Jokes on Marriage

Definition of Husband:
A man who lost his liberty in the pursuit of happiness!
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In life, it's not who you know that's important...
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What's important is how your wife found out?
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Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred!
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A man who surrenders when wrong is 'Honest'.
A man who surrenders when not sure is 'Wise'.
A man who surrenders even when he is right is a 'Husband'!
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In my house, I'm the boss.
My wife is just the decision maker!
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My wife is very intelligent.
She always learns from the mistake of others who take her advice!
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Secret of successful marriage:
Wife maintaining beauty secrets and husband maintaining secret beauties!
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A joint account is never overdrawn by the wife...
It is under deposited by the husband!
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If you have too many women in your life, you are successful like Mr. Trump.
If you have no woman in your life then also you are successful like Mr. Modi.
Real problem is for those who have only one woman in life!
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Men's opinion matters.
But not at home in front of their wives!
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Only after getting married you actually realize that those husband-wife jokes were not just jokes!
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I wear the pants in our relationship but my wife tells me which ones to wear!
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A nagging wife and a dripping tap have a lot in common!
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They say that a marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true...
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As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank!
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Husband: Kal Party Te Jana Assi, Main Pant Coat Pa Lawa?
Wife: Hanji Pa Lao,Te Main Ki Pava Kal?
Husband: Tu Ohi Pa Layi Jo Har Roj Paoni Aa...
Wife: Ki?
Husband: Kalesh!
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If women behaved before marraige the way they behave after mariage, half of the marriages would not take place!
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A body at rest will continue to be at rest... until the wife notices and finds some work for him!
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If you are wrong & you shut up... you are wise.
If you are right & you shut up... you are married!
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Pro Tip:
If you don't like how your wife is looking, just keep these thoughts to yourself or face the consequences!
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What is the next thing a man does after winning an impossible argument with his wife?
Apologize!
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Your decision to get married proves you are not ready to make important decisions in life!
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Insurance is like marriage where you just pay, pay and pay, but never get anything back!
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Safety Pro Tip:
Even if you have to criticize your wife... do it lovingly!
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A guy at a Samsung store:
"Are you sure the Samsung Note 7 phone blows up or shall I pick another option for my wife?"
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A hilarious quote about married life written by a husband.
"Only after marriage, I understood why bathrooms are also called 'Restrooms'!
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Wife: I'm heading to the store. Do you want anything?
Husband: I want a sense of meaning & purpose in my life. I seek fulfillment and completeness to my soul. I want to connect to God and discover the spiritual side to me....
Wife: Be specific - Black Label or Chivas?
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2 tips for happy married life:
Keep quiet when your wife is talking.
Don't talk when your wife is quiet.
~Husbands Association!
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Karwa Chauth ends.
Women remove all the makeup.
Halloween starts!
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Here's the list of things I understand about my wife...
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Marriage is nature's way of keeping us away from fighting with strangers!
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Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage:
The wife is in charge!
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Marriage is give and take.
You'd better give it to her or she will take it anyway!
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If your wife says she will make you the happiest man in the world, do tell her...
You will miss her!
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My wife was too beautiful for words... but not for arguments!
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Things that make men happy:
1. A game of Football
2. Friends over for a drink
3. Wife not at home
and if it all happens together, it doubles or triples the celebrations!
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The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much!
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Husband: Now second person helmet compulsory rule has been applied.
Wife: Next weekend, we have to buy helmets for all my matching dresses.
Husband sold his bike!
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If you are fed up with telemarketer then next time when a telemarketer calls, give the telephone to your wife and say, your ex is calling you...
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and listen to all the abuses!
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Dear Wife,
Thanks for never listening to me so I can always claim I told you something!
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My wife says I never listen... at least I think that's what she said!
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A bachelor is a man who comes to work each morning from a different direction!
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Every husband gets a Wireless Net Connection, by default, it's called...
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'WifeEye'!
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An Indian wife is very jealous and possessive - she'll never let any woman other than herself destroy her husband's life!
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Marriage has to be 100% commitment from both sides.
Try giving it everything you have got and see miracles happen!
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After marriage, a woman's eye sight becomes so sharp that she can see right through her husband without looking and a man's so dull that he can look right through his wife without seeing her!
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If you want your wife's attention, just talk to another pretty woman... she will be all ears!
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I didn't find out what happiness means until I got married...
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and then it was too late!
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To save time and energy, just assume your wife is never wrong!
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Early in the morning wife ordered the husband to prepare the breakfast. Angry husband went to a lawyer's home to file a divorce case.
However, he calmly returned home and prepared breakfast, after seeing the lawyer washing clothes!
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Wife to Husband: Will you take me out for dinner in the evening?
Your options are:
A) YES
B) A
C) B
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Wife: Mars Pe Life Hai Kya?
Husband: Pata Nahi, Meri Toh Earth Pe Bhi Nahi Hai!
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There is only one thing worse than pissing off a cop, and that is...
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Pissing off your own wife!
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College is a place to keep warm between high school and an early marriage!
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Middle-age is the time of life that a man first notices - in his wife!
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5 missed calls from husband, and wife thinks,
"What could have happened?"

5 missed calls from wife, and husband thinks,
"What is going to happen?"
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Wife: You used to go to temple every day before I got married to you, but now you don't go to the temple. What happened?
Husband: Actually, you see, then I got married to you, and I lost all faith in God!
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A man who says his wife can't take a joke... forgets that she took him!
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Situation of every husband is like a Duck:
Above the surface, look composed and unruffled, below the surface paddling like hell!
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Sometimes I look at old couples in love and wonder how they have made it so far in the journey of life called Marriage!
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A husband & wife may disagree on many things but one thing they all agree on... "Never, ever give up during a fight with each other!
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A man died and went to heaven. God was surprised to see his heart still beating.
God asked him, "Why is your heart still beating?"
The man replied, "I'm dead but my wife still lives in my heart."
He was sent to hell for bloody over-acting!
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A terribly jealous wife used to inspect her husband every evening when he came back from work.
The smallest hair discovered on his coat would lead to the most frightful scene.
One night, finding nothing, she burst into tears and cried, "Even bald women now!"
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Always remember... if your wife gets mad, she has the power to make you wish you were never born!
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Height of Innocence:
A man reaches the hospital with a fractured leg, there he finds another man with both his legs fractured... Expressing deep empathy, he asks him:
"Do you have 'Two Wives'?"
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I salute to all men who choose to be adventurous...
A few join the armed forces & fight for the nation, others get married & fight for their survival!
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My husband thinks he is smart. He said onions are the only food that make you cry...
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So I threw a coconut at his head!
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A husband sent a text to his wife, "Darling! do you love me more than my money?"
Wife replied back, "¥ € $"
The husband is still confused!
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Wife gave dice to husband & said: If you get 1, 2, 3, 4 or 5 you will take me out for shopping.
Husband asked: What if it is 6?
Wife: Haven't you played 'Ludo' before? You'll get another chance!
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All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner!
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My wife says I know just how to push all of her buttons.
Unfortunately, I still haven't been able to find the 'Mute Button'!
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Want to surprise your girlfriend?
Introduce her to your wife!
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The problem with some women is, they get all excited about nothing...
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and then marry him!
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Thanks to technology, the only crush left in a couple's life, after marriage is...
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'Candy Crush'!
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Golden Rule for marriage in the most difficult situations:
A man of knowledge restrains his words... and a wise man will remain calm!
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Married people always ask when you're getting married like...
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they get points for recruiting to their club of misery!
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Counter effects of the questions asked by husbands:
What's for dinner? - Dangerous
Can I help you with dinner? - Safer
Where would you like to go for dinner? - Safe
Here, have some wine! - Safest
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Married life in a nutshell:
Anything you say or do maybe used against you!
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If Nike was founded by a wife then it's tagline would have been:
Just Do it, if you want to... I don't want to Force you, it's your Life!
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A married man's best asset is...
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His 'Lie-Ability'!
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Never underestimate your wife's weakness, not even jokingly. Otherwise, you will have to face the consequences sooner or later!
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A wife sent a SMS to her husband.

Wife: Hi Baby
Husband: Hi Darling(Sending Failed)
Wife: Are you there?
Husband: Yes, yes, darling, I am here.(Sending Failed)
Wife: Are you ignoring me or what?
Husband: Honey, I am not. I am trying to reply you!(Sending Failed)
Wife: It's over... don't ever talk to me again.
Husband: Ja Mar!(Message Sent)

Aadmi Galat Nahi Hote, Halaat Galat Hote Hain!
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Fighting is essentially a masculine idea.
A woman's weapon is her tongue!
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My wife often questions me "Do you remember the day we met?"
How can I ever forget? Wish I could go back to the day and walk the hell away!
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Husband: Shaadi Se Pehle Tum Bahut Upwaas Rakhti Thi, Ab Kya Ho Geya?
Wife: Bahut Nahi Sirf Solah Somwaar Ke Rakhti Thi.
Husband: Phir Ab Kya Ho Geya?
Wife: Phir Tumse Shaadi Ho Gayi Aur Mera Upwaas Se Bharosa Uth Geya!
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Husbands:
The condition of your wife reflects to the world the kind of man you are!
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Marriage is like a fine wine if tended properly, it just gets better with age!
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The most helpful tool in housekeeping is a guilty husband!
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It's amazing how with each day, couples continue to discover new and creative ways to irritate the hell out of each other!
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It caused a great deal of trouble for me last night... when my wife asked me if she is fat?
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A wife visited 5 shops over three hours and finally selected one Saree out of 12 she had shortlisted. The husband settled the bill and commented, "Adam was very lucky because he and Eve used to wear only leaves."
Wife: Who knows how many trees Adam had to climb and finally pluck the leaves Eve chose!
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Irony of Life:
If you are a bachelor, life is incomplete... well, if you get married it's finished!
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Tip to all men:
Her nagging is a sign that she cares. Silence means she is plotting your death!
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I've found Paradise - where all wives are lovely, all husbands are loving and all children are angels.
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It's called Facebook!
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A hilarious quote read about married life today written by a married person:
"Only after marriage did I understand why Bathrooms are also called Restrooms!"
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Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance.
There's no doubt about it, anytime you have romance, your wife is bound to interfere!
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Love may be a dream but marriage is a nightmare!
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Husbands tend to be better lovers specially when they are betraying their wives!
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My wife and facebook...
She has 898 friends on her friend list, yet she is always cribbing of not having a social life!
MARRIAGE
Wife: You never gifted me gold, diamond or pearls?
Husband gives her a handful of soil.
Wife: Ye Kya?
Husband: Mere Desh Ki Mitti Sona Uglay, Uglay Heere Moti
Husband homeless now...
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Always remember:
When the Queen is happy, there is peace in the Kingdom!
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When a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason!
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My wife is weird, She starts every conversation with:
"Were you even listening to me?"
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Heights of Confidence:
We see the world suffering, we know there is a possibility of the same happening to us, but still we get married!
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7 words for a long, happy marriage:
Yes Dear
I'm sorry
It's my fault
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Marriages gives immense pleasure in annoying one special person for the rest of their lives!
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Wife: Where are you?
Husband: I am at the bus stop, waiting for the bus.
Wife: Hurry up!
Husband: Alright, I'll just wait a bit faster!
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If you think your wife doesn't listen to a word you say?
Try talking in your sleep!
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The words. 'Husband' and 'Wife' are filled with intense infatuation and attachment, but that attachment becomes weaker when you use the word 'Companion'!
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For a healthy relationship:
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterwards!
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A secret of a happy marriage remains 'A Secret'!
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Marriage is three ring circus.
First the engagement ring, the wedding ring, then the suffering!
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A wedding band is the smallest handcuff ever made.
Be sure to choose your cell-mate wisely!
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Mind blowing fact:
Did you ever realize that 'Listen' & 'Silent' have the same alphabets and both are mostly used in reference to Husbands!
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Key to Happy Marriage:
Marriages would be so much happier if people confessed of their love for one another in person rather than on Facebook!
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Request to all Wives:
Don't think too much. You'll create a problem that wasn't even there in the first place!
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Marriage is a beautiful forest where brave lions are killed by beautiful deer!
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The relation between Husband and Wife explained in just two computer keys.
Esc & Ctrl
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My wife has clearly said, "She doesn't have to be right in every argument as long as we both agree that I am wrong!"
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Wife: Let's go out for dinner.
Husband: Why?
Wife: Hafte Mein Ek Din Mera Bhi Mann Karta Hai Ki Tumhein Achha Khilau!
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Partners are important.
Because, you need someone to show you that behind all the clouds, the sun is still shining!
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Remember a good sense of humor does not mean that you tell your partner jokes, it means you laugh at theirs!
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The older my partner grows, the more I start disbelieving the familiar saying that age brings wisdom!
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Mumbling is the glue that holds a marriage together!
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Love is blind but marriage restores its sight!
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Dear husbands, don't expect the first few meals to be great, It takes time to find the right restaurant!
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You need at least 1 witness to prove a murder and minimum of 2 witnesses to register a marriage.
Which one is more dangerous?
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A couple planned to commit suicide together... but once the wife killed herself, he changed his mind as things suddenly looked more positive!
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Wife: Why do you wear your specs only when I come in?
Husband: The doctor has asked me to wear my specs whenever I see a headache!
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Before marriage, it's dating.
After marriage, it's accommodating!
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Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and an expert at making breakfast!
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In marriage, each person plays a part the other person does not like!
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Wives not only pinpoint that they hate their husband's habits, but also don't leave any point to give them a reason to doubt!
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Amazing Fact:
Only 25% of men have common sense.
Rest are all married!
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The best thing about marriage is being able to say 'go get your own ice cream' and not really feeling bad about not sharing!
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A marriage will be successful if it's modern enough to survive the times and old-fashioned enough to last forever!
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The definition of a Siren:
What your wife looks like before you marry her... and sounds like after!
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A Man's RTI application:

Dear Sir,

If age for marriage is 21 and for drinking is 25. Please throw some light on how to survive 4 years of marriage?
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Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want...
A divorced couple can explain better!
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Marriage should be like work, Easy to love if best, and best if it is easy to love!
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Some people are so determined to find a blissful happiness that they overlook a lifetime of contentment!
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Marriage means to give someone the power to destroy you and still have a trust that they will not!
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They say that a marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true...
As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank!
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Only a man who has loved a woman of genius can appreciate what happiness there is in loving a fool!
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There are two types of arguing with a wife.
Neither one works!
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Most women use more brains shopping...
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Than they do while choosing a husband!
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Being single is smarter than being in a long relationship!
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The sixth sense:
Dear Men, If you run into an old girlfriend even accidentally, your wife will know about it before you get home!
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Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons agree to harass and spy on each other until death do them apart!
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Husband and wife know the most about each other, but refuse to believe it!
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Husband: Kabhi Kabhi Mere Dil Mein Khayal Aata Hai, Agar Zindagi Teri Zulfon Ki Ghani Chaanv Mein Guzar Jaati Toh...
Wife(with affection): Toh!
Husband: Toh Kya, Home Loan Lene Ki Zarurat Na Padti!
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Two types of chromosomes cause marital problems...
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Ex & Why ?
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The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount spent on the wedding!
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The key to staying married is deciding not to get divorced.
It's that simple!
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The most terrifying thing any woman can say to her husband is...
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'Notice anything different?'
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Mathematics of marriage:
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage
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If you are wrong and you shut up, you are 'Wise'.
But if you are right and you shut up, you are 'Married'!
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Married men live longer than single men,
But married men are a lot more willing to die!
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If your wife laughs at your joke,
It means you either have a good joke or a good wife!
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Thought of the day:
Never advise anyone to go to war or to marry!
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To all couples:
I think the secret to a successful marriage is low expectations!
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My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo. I was disappointed, I had to put my foot down!
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I just assume I do everything wrong since I don't have a wife to confirm it!
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My wife is so sweet, every day she asks me what I want to have for dinner and then tells me to get it packed on the way back home!
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My wife is a boss but I always have a final word...
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Yes, Ma'am!
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Marriage is like a seahorse, you can willingly run away, but you can never be geographical unpleasant!
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Husband: Kabhi-Kabhi Mere Dil Mein Khayal Aata Hai, Tum Hoti Ho To Aisa Hota, Tum Hoti To Vaisa Hota.
Wife: Agar Main Na Hoti?
Husband: To Mere Paas Paisa Hota!
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A woman to her friend:
The only thing in the world, me & my mother-in-law agree upon is that my husband should have married someone else!
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I never change my mind on anything without the proper consent of my wife but I give her a liberty to change her mind at any time!
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Marriage is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired!
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Husband: Can we eat outside today?
Wife: Why? Are you bored with my cooking?
Husband: No, just don't feel like washing utensils today!
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A tactic is the ability to tell your wife to go to hell in such a way that she looks forward to the trip!
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Dear Husband,
Shopping is an excellent beginning to an Apology!
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Wife: Agar Main Waqt Hoti To Sab Meri Qadar Karte.
Husband: Log Tumhein Dekh Kar Darr Jaate.
Wife: Woh Kyon?
Husband: Log Kehte, Wo Dekho Bura Waqt Aa Raha Hai!
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To all husbands:
Better to remain silent and taken as a fool, than to speak and remove all doubts!
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To all bachelor's who are getting married, please remember, in marriage you can do anything... but not everything!
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When your wife messages you 'Have Fun', just stop whatever you are doing and return back home!
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Worst fear a man can face...
Leaving his mobile phone home!
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A smart husband is the one who always remembers his wife's birthday but never remembers her age!
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Most marriages suffer when the use of alcohol is more to solve the problems than to enjoy the company!
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My wife is my personal trainer, she decides my daily workout...
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Today it was laundry and the dishes!
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Thought of the day:
If you are trying to know your wife then please stop struggling to solve a jigsaw puzzle whose pieces keep on changing shapes every minute!
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Thought of the day:
Nothing brings your neighbours close to your family, like a fight between you and your wife!
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Only married people understand that you can be miserable and happy at the same time!
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Thought of the day:
If you can't convince her then...
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just confuse her!
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My wife is hard to impress, I remembered the car seat, the stroller and the diaper bag...
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Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby!
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It's a sin if you love another's wife but a punishment if you have to love your own!
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Thought of the day:
Before marriage men love all the women on earth.
And after marriage, one woman less!
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A man can be happy with any woman as long as she is not his wife!
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Secret formula for married couples...
"Love one Another" and if it doesn't work, bring the last word in the middle!
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Thought of the day:
There are no winners in marriage... only survivors!
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According to the rules of geometry, if a man cheats for four times, he will eventually come home!
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Wife: Kaisi Lag Rahi Hun Main Aaj?
Husband: Waah Kya Baat Hai, Aaj To Bilkul Priyanka Chopra Lag Rahi Ho!
Wife: Sachhi, 'Don' Wali Ya 'Krrish' Wali?
Husband: 'Burfi' Wali!
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Thought of the day:
Some wives need to understand that dinner will taste better if they cook it less frequently!
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Thought of the day:
Behind every man is a woman, shaking her head!
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It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers!
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If you really want to know about your mistakes, you should ask your wife!
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All married men should forget their mistakes, there is no use in two people remembering the same!
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Santa:I don't expect anything positive from my wife.
Banta: Why so?
Santa: Because even her blood group is 'B Negative'!
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Women wear Mangalsutra/Sindoor to show they're married.
Men carry 'Tupperware' lunch boxes into the office to show they are married!
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You just cannot compare marriage and lottery.
In lottery, there's, at least a slim chance you'll win!
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Wife: I want an explaination and I want the truth.
Husband: Make up your mind!
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The only thing worse than a husband who never notices what you cook or wear is... a mother-in-law who always notices what you cook and what you wear!
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After three years of marriage, there are some questions I'd like to ask my wife... little things like, 'Honey, why is it that you get three closets and I get the back of a chair?'
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Most men are wonderful husbands to other men's wives!
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Before marriage, man would awake all night thinking about something you said.
And after marriage, he'll go to sleep before you finish saying it!
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Marriage:
A deal in which a man gives away half his groceries in order to get the other half cooked!
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Whatever arrangements you make for the division of household duties, your husband's job will be easier!
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Every time you talk to your wife, you should always remind yourself...
'This conversation will be recorded for training and quality purposes'!
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Very effective threat by wife in new style:
Tum Jitna Time Facebook, WhatsApp, Twitter Ko Doge, Main Utna Time Flipkart, Amazon, Snapdeal Ko Dungi!
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Marriage is really tough sometimes, because...
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you have to deal with feelings and lawyers!
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Only a man who has loved a woman of genius can appreciate what happiness there is in loving a fool!
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When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one who's mad!
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Every mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than she managed to do... but she's certain that her boy will never get as great a wife as his father did!
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Wife: I think we need to return these glasses I got for you.
Husband: Why?
Wife: You are still not seeing things "My Way"!
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I never mind my wife having the last word.
Infact, I am delighted when she gets to it!
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Men never win an argument with their wife; and the only time they think they have, they realise the argument wasn't even yet over!
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Our body completely replaces all our cells every 7 years.
So technically, the person you are married no longer exists.
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I surely am going to go to Hell... because I lie everytime my wife asks me - Honey, how am I looking today?
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So Mastani was Bajirao's 2nd wife and he loved her the most.
Mumtaz was Shahjahan's 8th wife and he loved her the most.
Apparently, no one loves their 1st wife.
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While getting married, most of the guys say to girl's parents that, "Main Aapki Beti Ko Shaadi Ke Baad Bahut Khush Rakhunga!"
Has any girl said something like this to boy's parents anytime?
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A wise man once told his wife...
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Nothing! He was a wise man you see!
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A wife got so mad at her husband so she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
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Wife: You need to learn to focus.
Husband: Yes son, listen to your mother.
Wife: I was talking to you.
Husband: Oh I am sorry, can you repeat it please?
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When a woman says: 'Correct me if I am wrong'!
Do not try to do it... it's a trap.
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30th October is Karwa Chauth and 31st October is Halloween.
It will be like Dulhan Bani Daayan.
30th October Main Tumhein Marne Nahi Dungi, 31st October Main Tumhein Jeene Nahi Dungi!
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Sasur To Damad: Beta Kal Tumhare Saale Ke Liye Ladki Dekhne Jana Hai, Tum Kal Aajao!
Damad To Sasur: Sasur Ji, Aap Apne Hisab Se Dekh Lo... Yahan To Mera Khud Ka Decision Galat Hua Pada Hai!
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If love is blind and marriage is an eye opener, then divorce would surely be a champagne bottle opener.
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Agar Wife Apni Saree Ka Pallu Apni Kamar Mein Thus Le Toh Samjh Jao Ki...
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Ya Toh Woh Ghar Ka Kaam Niptayegi Ya Aapko!
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Every women needs a husband because...
So many things go wrong everyday and you can't blame God and Modi all the time.
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Two new words are to be included in oxford dictionary:
1. Gumshuda (n)- state of being physically lost.
2. Shadishuda (n)- state of being physically, mentally and financially lost.
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A man's wife was in ICU.
Doctors did their best but she was not responding.
Doctor said to husband, "We are sorry. Everything is in God's hand now."
Husband was inconsolable and was kept saying, "She is hardly 40".
An almost inaudible voice from wife's bed said, "37"!
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Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.
It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!
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Two golden rules of Happy Marriage
1. The wife is always right.
2. When you feel she is wrong slap yourself and read rule number 1 again.
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Every husband gets a wireless net connection by default, it is called,
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WifeEye!
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Marriage is worse than prison. There is no parole for good behaviour!
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The only mistake for which people are congratulated is 'Marriage'!
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Behind every woman, there is a man secretly planning the death of every guy she talks to!
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I've been married for thirty years and buying diamonds for the same woman - and I'm still in love with her.
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me !
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Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later!
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For Successful Married Life:
Be a little blind!
Be a little kind!
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Definition of a 'Happy Couple':
"She does what she wants but he does what she wants!"
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Marital explosions are at times caused by an old flame!
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The only mistake for which people are congratulated is 'Marriage'!
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A Wife's Reminder:
I trust you... but remember - 'My trust and your bones will break simultaneously'!
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Bridegroom: And now, dear, that we are married, let us have a clear understanding about our affairs. Do you wish to be president or vice-president?
Bride (Sweetly): Neither. You be both. I'll be just the treasurer!
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Every woman needs a husband because so many things go wrong daily and you can't blame God and Modi all the time!
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Husband: I love you!
Wife: I love you too, infact I love you so much I will fight the whole world for you.
Husband: But you fight with me the most.
Wife: Because you are the world to me!
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Every husband is a farmer by default.
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His survival solely depends on 'agree'culture!
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An idea can change your life;
But a wife can change your idea!
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Wife (after a fight): Tell me those 3 magical words.
Husband: I love you
Wife: No not this
Husband: I like you
Wife: Again No, not this
Husband: I miss you
Wife: Getting more angry... No no Husband: Galti Meri Thi!
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Every husband is a farmer by default.
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His survival solely depends on 'agree'culture!
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Marriage has its own ups and downs. At times, you want to throw the other person off the cliff and then rush to the bottom to catch them!
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When your wife says, all she wants for her anniversary is - "Your Love".
She is just kidding - actually she just expects Diamonds!
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Wife is very clever. She'll lay her head on your chest and ask - "Honey, have you ever cheated on me?"
And the wait for your heart to beat fast.
Dear Innocent Husbands, Be careful and please adjust your heart beats accordingly!
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27 June all world is celebrating International Husband Day.
Date itself explains why this date is selected.
"Satai Joon"
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Dedicated to all married couples:
Arranged Marriage is like a Lottery.
Lag Gayi Toh Lag Gayi;
Warna Lag Gayi!
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Real man would always lead their wife to a train. To make sure that she left for her parents' place!
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Story of an Intelligent Husband:
Wife was busy in packing her clothes.
Husband - Where are you going ?
Wife - I'm moving to my mother.
Husband also starts packing his clothes.
Wife - Now where are you going ?
Husband - I'm also moving to my mother.
Wife - And what about the kids ? Husband - Well I guess ... If you are moving to your mother and I'm moving to my mother ... They should move to their mother.
Clothes unpacked.
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All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble!
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I am sure most couples wish to find a way to stay married to their partner but divorce their insane in-laws!
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Breaking News:
Warning to all husbands, service tax goes up to 14%.
This will make beauty parlours and restaurants more expensive... so keep reminding your wives that they are naturally beautiful.
Also encourage them that they cook awesome food!
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You must marry someone you want to annoy for the rest of your life!
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November to January - The months of marriages. The other nine are devoted to divorcees!
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Silence is a language, too!
So if you don't hear anything from your wife, it doesn't mean you are safe!
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Wife: You had lunch?
Husband (in a naughty mood): You had lunch?
Wife: I'm asking you.
Husband: I'm asking you.
Wife: Are you copying me?
Husband: Are you copying me?
Wife: Let's go shopping.
Husband: I had lunch!
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What is the difference between Farmers and Husbands?
Farmers have "Agri-Culture";
Husbands have "Agree-Culture"!
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Define Marriage: It's a way through which two people join together to solve the problems they never had before.
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Short & Sharp:
Wife: I Love You!
Husband: Come to the point!
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Alimony - The high cost of name-dropping!
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Dedicated to all Women:
Everyday wake up in the morning, look at your wonderful husband and think -
Damn, he is so lucky!
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Marriage was the first union to defy management!
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Million Dollar Truth:
If Saturday and Sunday don't excite you, then change your Friends.
If Monday doesn't motivate you, then change your profession... If Monday is too exciting, and you are dying to get to work, then you should probably change your spouse!
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Marriage: a word which should be pronounced 'mirage'!
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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Dear Married People,
Buddha had to invent a whole new religion to escape his wife that's how difficult it is!
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Arranged marriage is like accepting an unknown friend request on Facebook!
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Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!
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MARITAL CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual sim phone, save both the number under one name - WIFE.
Never save it as "Wife 1" and "Wife 2"!
~ forwarded from a Hospitalised Husband
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Banker: So you wish to open a joint account with your husband. What kind?
Lady: Oh, just a deposit account for him- checking for me!
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Wife: Where have you been so late?
Husband: Stop me if you've heard this one!
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Weekend Special:
Wife: We must enjoy our Saturdays and Sundays.
Husband: Good idea! I will see you on Monday!
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Newly married husband: But you promised at the altar to obey me.
Wife: Of course. I didn't want to make a scene!
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Friend 1: Was your marriage one of those trial and error things?
Friend 2: Just the opposite. First came the error, then the trial!
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Husband: But, Alice, you don't want that!
Wife: How will I know until I get it?
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Wife: As the weather is still cold, I should like to look at some furs. Will you come with me?
Husband: Yes-let's go to the Zoo!
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I got married so that I can be auto-corrected even when my phone is off!
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The young wife, proudly to her husband, "My father always gives expensive presents."
"So I discovered when he gave you away", rejoined the young husband!
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Regarding... "I love you too" interesting fact is when husband says "I love you too..." wife takes it as: "Main Bhi Tumse Pyaar Karta Hun!"
Whereas what husband meant is "Main Tumse Bhi Pyaar Karta Hun!"
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Wife: Jaanu, Kaise ho?
The husband opened his diary.
Wife: Jaanu, Kya Kar Rahe Ho?
Husband: Check Kar Raha Hoon, Pichhli Baar Tumhare 'Jaanu' Bolne Par Kitna Kharcha Hua Tha!
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Before marriage, it's called 'DATING';
After marriage, it's called 'ACCOMMODATING'!
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A good wife tries to stay within your budget!
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Lady to her advocate: I want to marry my ex-husband again.
Advocate asks his client, "Why? Only last month you got the divorce."
Lady: After divorce, I see him very happy and I cannot tolerate it!
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Wife: How long have you been sleeping?
Husband: Ever since I got married!
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A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring... and your house is gone!
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I will marry the girl, who looks pretty in her Aadhaar Card!
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There are 3 Dolls in a man's life:
1. His Daughter - Barbie Doll
2. His Girlfriend - Baby Doll
3. His Wife - डांवाडोल
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I used to be an "incurable romantic", until I married an 'antibiotic'!
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Wife called her husband,
Wife: Honey where are you?
Husband: I'm at the bank.
Wife: Dear, please I need 1000 rupees to activate my iPhone, 5000 to do my hair and 10,000 to buy a dress.
Husband: Sorry, I meant I was at the BANK of a river. Do you want fish to cook?
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The man who never made a mistake is married to a lady who did!
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To keep your marriage brimming;
With love in the marriage cup.
Whenever you are wrong, admit it;
And whenever you're right, shut up!
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Wives always think that every female friend of their husband is interested in their husband.
As if two women would make the same mistake!
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What's common between clouds and wife?
When both are not around, we call it a bright day!
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Love - the quest
Marriage - the conquest
Divorce - the inquest!
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For men marriage is like museum - you have to be quite and you can't really touch anything!
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Son: The marriage vows say "till death do us part", so we are not married in heaven?
Father: That's right son... because if we were still married, we'd be in hell!
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A husband and wife were arguing over some issue.
After heated arguments for a long time, wife finally said: Tell me dear, do you want to win or do you want to be happy?
Argument ended!
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Sometimes I wake up GRUMPY; other times
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I let her sleep!
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My wife must be a relative of Nathu Ram Godse. She's constantly eliminating the Gandhis from my wallet!
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Wife: Shall I prepare 'Sambhar' or 'Rasam' today?
Husband: Make anything, we will name it later!
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If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?
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How to find the perfect woman in two steps.
1. Marry one!
2. All other women will automatically look perfect!
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The secrets of a Happy Marriage:
1. Go to Tools - Internet Options - Clear History - Delete Files - Delete Cookies!
2. Whatsapp Group Info - Delete Chat History - Delete Photos - Delete Videos!
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A drunk man arrives late at home. He knows his wife won't open the door, so he decides to pretend he bought her flowers & knocks at the door.
Wife: Who is it?
Drunk: I bring flowers for the pretty lady.
Wife opens the door & says: Where are the flowers?
Drunk: Where is the pretty lady? The guy is recovering from deep injuries!
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Never underestimate the power of 3 things:
1. Wife angry for a reason.
2. Wife angry without reason.
3. Wife about to get angry and looking for a reason!
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On her birthday and our anniversary, I also want to share on FB that my wife is best wife in the world.
But I need some experience to make such an announcement.
So for that, more wives are needed otherwise it would be hollow statement bereft of facts!
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Marital Advice:

Marry someone you want to annoy for the rest of your life!
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Hubby: The bank has returned that check you gave to the jeweller.
Wife: Isn't that splendid! What can we buy with it this time?
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Wife: I' m going up-town this afternoon.
Hubby: Shopping?
Wife: No, I won't have time. I just want to get some things I need!
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For my wife's birthday, I bought her a small bottle of exclusive perfume called 'Ample'.
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I just hope she doesn't notice where I scraped off the 'S'!
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"You complain that you have had to support your wife's family?" the court questioned the man seeking a divorce.
"Yes, your honor."
"How much of a family has she?"
"Four children, your honor."
"Who is their father?"
"I am, your honor!"
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Wife: It says the man was shot by his wife at close range.
Husband: Then there must have been powder marks on the body.
Wife: Yes; that's why she shot him!
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A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression... he just cleaned the whole house!
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Doctor: I would advise you, Madam, to take frequent baths, plenty of fresh air and dress in cool gowns.
Husband (an hour later): What did the doctor say?
Wife: He said I ought to go to the Bahamas; and afterwards to the mountains and to buy some new light gowns at once!
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The man who brags, "I run things in my house," usually refers to the lawn mower, washing machine, vacuum sweeper, baby carriage and the errands!
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Friend 1: My wife always has the last word.
Friend 2: You're lucky. Mine never gets to it!
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Bride: Mu hubby is perfectly wonderful to me, mother. He gives me everything I ask for.
Mother: That merely shows, my dear child, that you are not asking enough!
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Wife: I've got a lot of things I want to talk to you about...
Husband: Good. I'm glad to hear it. Usually you want to talk to me about a lot of things you haven't got!
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Boys have fun by teasing girls then girls cry for a few minutes;
And girls have fun by loving boys then boys cry for a lifetime!
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Wife: You don't love me any more. When you see me crying now, you don't ask why.
Husband: I'm awfully sorry, my dear, but these questions have already cost me such a lot of money!
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The Equation of Marriage:
7 Glances = 1 Smile
7 Smiles = 1 Meeting
7 Meetings = 1 Kiss
7 Kisses = 1 Proposal
7 Proposals = 1 Marriage
And that 1 marriage has 77777+ problems.
So beware of a glance!
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My wife doesn't mind me flirting with other women. She finds their rejection quite entertaining!
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Wife: I've bought you a beautiful surprise for your birthday, it has just arrived.
Husband: I am curious to see it.
Wife: Wait a minute and I will put it on.
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"What did you buy your husband for his birthday?"
"Well, knowing he wanted a diary, I bought him one that locked; he's so particular about his notes."
"And surely you bought something for yourself?"
"Oh, yes; I bought myself a duplicate key for the diary."
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How was the word WIFE invented?
They took the first two and the last two letters of WILDLIFE and got WIFE!
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Psychiatrists say girls tend to marry men like their fathers. That's probably the reason mothers cry the most at weddings!
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Newlywed wife to her husband: Is it true that money talks?
Husband: That's what they say, my dear.
Wife: Well, I wish you'd leave a little here to talk to me during the day. I get so lonely!
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One lady to another newly-wed lady: I hear you're going to divorce your husband.
2nd Lady: Don't be silly. Why, I hardly know him!
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Marriage is an 'Institution'.
Some walk out.
Some stay put and cheat.
And the rest just toil hard in the hope of pass marks and a reasonable future!
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Wife = 1/2 Husband
So 2 Wives = Husband
Also Wife = X Girlfriend
Therefore 2x Girlfriend = Husband
and so X = Husband/2 Girlfriends
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Louis Vuitton and Bottega purses are made from the skin of husbands!
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The only crush left in life, after getting married is...
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'Candy Crush'!
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If a wife needs husband's attention, she just has to look sad and uncomfortable;
If a husband needs wife's attention, he just has to look comfortable and happy!
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A guy wrote on his Facebook status: Want Wife?
7 girls liked it and 89 men commented: Take Mine!
The guy wrote back: I am not asking for it... but I am only enquiring from you whether you want mine!
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Wife: I am not talking to you.
Husband: Okay!
Wife: Don't you want to know the reason?
Husband: No, I respect and trust your decision!
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Women marry men hoping they will change;
And men marry women hoping they will not.
Unfortunately, it happens in contrast and as result, both of them get disappointed!
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A lot of husbands are interested in politics. In fact, many of them are already the minority leader in the house!
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I'm not saying my wife's voice is annoying, but right now... I'm really jealous of deaf people!
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Evolution of MAN:
Before meeting her, Spider Man;
After meeting her, Gentleman; During wedding, Superman;
Soon after marriage, Watchman;
After a few years, Batman (the one army officers have)!
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Getting married is very much like going to a Restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that!
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One marriage in every six ends in divorce;
But the other five couples fight it out to the bitter end!
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To our sweethearts and wives.
May they never meet!
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Why is King Solomon considered the wisest man in the world?
Because he had so many wives to advise him!
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Childish Game - The one at which your wife beats you!
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Why are bride's parents made to pay dowry in marriage?
Because Excise Duty is payable at the time of despatch of goods from the bonded warehouse!
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Wife: Let's enjoy our Weekend.
Husband: Great. Then let's meet on Monday!
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BACHELOR - A man who missed the opportunity of making some woman miserable!
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Marriage means commitment. So does insanity. Coincidence?
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Husband: Another new dress? Where do you think I'm going to get the money from to pay for it?
Wife: That's your business. I didn't marry you to give you financial consultation!
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A young couple were having their first fight and it was a big one.
After a while, the husband said: When we got married, You promised to love, honor and obey.
The bride replied: I know... but I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people at the wedding!
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A doctor got a call from a woman, "My husband just swallowed the aspirins, what shall I do?"
The doctor replied, "Give him a headache, what else?"
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My wife says she enjoys my company... it's a good thing that I own it!
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Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too!
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Before marriage, it's called DATING;
And after marriage, it's called as...
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AccommoDATING!
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Answering the wife is like defusing a bomb. One mistake and... BOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!
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The husband bought a new car and thought of giving surprise to his wife.
Soon after entering the house, he shouted, "Darling, your dream of so many years got fulfilled today".
The wife came running out of the kitchen and said, "Oh my God! What happened to my Mom-in-law?"
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If at first you don't succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you!
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Nurse (in mental home): A man called. He wants to know if we've lost any male patients.
Resident Doctor: Why?
Nurse: He says someone has run off with his wife!
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Marriage Certificate: Just another word for a work permit!
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Every married man's has to bear two kinds of expenses:
If the wife is fair complexioned, it's on Sun Screen Lotion;
And if she is dark-complexioned, it's on "Fair & Lovely" Cream!
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Trust is the most important part of a relationship. You must be 100% sure that...
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she will not tell your wife!
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The relationship between husband and wife should be like that between the hands and the eyes.
If the hands get hurt, the eyes cry;
And if the eyes cry, the hands wipe the tears!
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Pity the man who marries for love and then finds that his wife has no money!
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Did you hear about "the forbidden gadget" from Apple? It promises a life of misery as soon as you sign the contract...
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and it's called iDo!
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A couple were sitting together.
Wife: I'll make you the happiest man on earth.
Husband: I'll surely miss you!
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Summer Vacations:
I really wonder who has a vacation actually... a wife with kids at her mom's place or husband without his wife and kids at home!
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Husband: Hi Honey, are we eating out tonight?
Wife: What gives you the idea?
Husband: I can't smell anything burning!
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Every time you talk to your wife, you should remember that... "This conversation will be recorded for your Training and Quality monitoring purpose. And it can be used against you even after 30 years!"
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A husband was going shopping to buy a gift for his wife and asked her sizes.
"If it's clothes, I wear Small," she said. "If it's diamonds, I wear Large!"
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A man opens the door for his mother-in-law and declares, "Oh, long time, no see! This is a surprise. How long will you be staying with us, this time, then?"
The mother-in-law, trying to be polite, jokingly replies with a big grin, "Until you get sick of me."
"Oh, really? You won't even stay for a cup of coffee?"
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Married men play a lot with their wedding rings... because they're continuously trying to work out the unlock combination!
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Dear Ladies,
Please feed your man well... because a fat man can't run away!
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That hopeful moment... when your wife uses a dual sim phone and you save the numbers as...
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Wife 1 and Wife 2!
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You don't marry one person, you marry three:
The person you think they are;
The person they are;
And the person they are going to become as a result of being married to you!
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What is the difference between welding and wedding?
In welding, there are sparks first and bonding later;
Whereas in wedding, there is bonding first and sparks later!
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When husband breaks a glass.
Wife: Break everything. Break all these bottles... break the kitchen... break the house... just break everything!
And when wife breaks a glass.
Wife: Who kept this glass here?
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Married men are the most punctual when they have to drop their in-laws to bus stands, railway stations or airports!
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Being a husband is like any other job. It helps a lot if you like the boss!
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After our last argument, my wife told me:
I hope your next wife appreciates the improvements I've made in you!
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I'm not saying my wife's voice is annoying;
But right now... I'm really jealous of deaf people!
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Husband to wife, "Wow Darling, the house is so clean. Was the Whatsapp server down today?"
Wife: No.
Husband was completely surprised!
Wife: I lost my phone charger, had to put things in place to look for it!
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Every time I talk to my wife, my mind reminds me that... this conversation will be recorded for "Training and Quality purposes"!
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Husband standing on the scale, holding his stomach in.
Wife: I do not think that is going to help.
Husband: Sure it does. How else could I see the numbers?
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The only thing in the world, a daughter-in-law and a mother-in-law agree upon is that her hubby and her son respectively should have married someone else!
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Marriage is an occasion when a ring is put on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes!
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Dear Ladies,
Sometimes when you put your foot down, make sure you place it firmly on his neck!
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Women marry men hoping they will change;
Men marry women hoping they will not.
Unfortunately, it happens in contrast and ultimately both of them get disappointed!
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Wife to her hubby, "Whenever I dream, I see your face."
Husband : No wonder, I always wake up screaming!
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A successful marriage is based on give & take:
Where husband gives money, gifts, dresses and wife takes it;
And whereas wife gives advices, lectures,Tensions & husband takes it!
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The most cordial, happy and successful married life is
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"Yet to be seen"!
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A girl no longer marries a man for better or worse. She marries him for more or less!
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A wife is often referred to as the man's better half - which is why husbands often tell them the better half-truths!
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Lot of people don't understand the value of their wives, until a judge decides the alimony amount!
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Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops!
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Two chromosome that cause divorce... 'Ex' and 'Why'!
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In many countries, a hunting license entitles you to one deer and no more. Just like a marriage license!
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Husband to his angry wife, "Have a Nice Day!
Wife: Don't tell me what to do!
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Secret formula for married couples:
"Love One Another"
And if it doesn't work, bring the last word in the middle!
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To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup;
Whenever you are wrong, admit it and whenever you are right, shut up!
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There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it. There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it!
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What a Contradiction:
If a wife wants husband's attention, she just has to look sad & uncomfortable.
And if a husband wants wife's attention, he just has to look comfortable & happy!
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With the advent of smart phones, the 8th 'Phera' should be incorporated in our weddings.
The couple should pledge: Hum social media/FB/Whatsapp Se Zyaada Ek Doosre Ke Saath time spend Karenge!
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Why shouldn't wives treat their husbands as ATM machines? Even husbands treat them as washing machines, dish washers and vacuum cleaners!
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Buddha had to invent a whole new religion to escape his wife... that's how difficult marriage is!
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Husband: Wow Darling, the house is so clean. Was the Whatsapp server down today?
Wife: No.
Husband surprised!
Wife: Actually, I lost my phone charger and had to put things in place to look for it!
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You don't need to say anything to argue with your wife... she can even argue with your silence!
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After 3 years of divorce a man gained 30 kgs of weight, his doctor advised him,
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to end the celebrations immediately!
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Marriage is not a word, not merely a relationship, It is a silent promise which says "I was" "I am" and "I will be"
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a headache for you forever!
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Your wife misses you a lot, only when you are
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partying and enjoying with your friends!
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Wife: Don't you have simple manners. I have been speaking for hours and you keep on yawning.
Husband: I'm not yawning... I'm simply trying to say something!
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The most famous adventure sport of India is...
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ARRANGED MARRIAGE!
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If you're wrong and you shut up, you're wise. If you're right and you shut up, you're married!
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Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred!
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I was married for a short time... just long enough to realize that all those comedians weren't joking!
----------
If you are happy even after your marriage, you haven't taken your marriage seriously!
----------
I am not a housewife, I didn't marry a house!
----------
Marriage is like a Walkie Talkie.
Hubby goes out for a walkie, when wifey gets very talkie!
----------
Dear Weather,
Please stop being so cold. We don't have hot boyfriends, we already have cold husbands with hot temper.
Sincerely,
Wives
----------
What is the similarity between Media and Wife?
Till they don't share the same news at least 100 times, they really don't sit quietly!
----------
Everytime I try to make my marriage more exciting, my wife somehow finds it out!
----------
If all brides are beautiful, where do ugly wives come from?
----------
Wives are like electricity, I handled with care they will light up your life; but if mishandled will give you shocks throughout your life!
----------
People have become really naughty on Whatsapp... even married women have put their status as



'Available'!
----------
Wife: If you keep losing your hair at this speed, I shall divorce you.
Husband: Oh my God! And I was stupid enough trying to save them!
----------
Wisdom of the day:
Never approach a Bull from the front;
A Donkey from behind;
And an angry wife from any direction!
----------
Wife: If I die first, I want you to promise to let my mother ride in the first car with you at the funeral procession.
Husband: OK, but it will totally ruin my day!
----------
Marriage is so hard that even Nelson Mandela got a divorce.
He spent 27 years in South Africa prison getting tortured and beaten everyday of his life for 27 straight years. He got out of jail, spent 6 months with his wife, and said "I cant take this shit!"
----------
Wives are like electricity.
If handled with care they will light up your life;
But if mishandled they'll give you shocks throughout your life!
----------
Wife: Tum toh mujhe shaadi ke pehle se jaante the, kya main badal gayi hoon?
Hubby: Shaadi ke pehle you were a real 'Chick'... but now you are always "Chick Chick Chick"!
----------
Marriage is like a midnight phone call - you get a ring... and then you wake up!
----------
Staying single is a style;
Divorce is in vogue;
Living-in is common;
Extra-marital is happening;
And being married is totally outdated!
----------
There are many brave people, who always want to fight and be adventurous.
Some choose army and retire soon;
And others get married and fight till death.
Salute them!
----------
The wife always seems cute, when she is mute!
----------
Wife to Husband: Did you have any girlfriend before marriage?
The husband remains silent...
Wife: What is the meaning of silence?
Husband: Wait. Let me count!
----------
Samsung Galaxy S4 pauses the video if you look away. It's like your wife complaining
.
..
...
....
"TUMHARA DHYAAN KAHAN HAI?"
----------
Before marriage, men talk about India, Pakistan, US, Israel, Phones, Cricket, Golf, Football, Sunny Leone...
After marriage, men listen to their wives talk about their 'maids'!
----------
Shaadi.com would have been more popular if it had an "Add To Cart" button!
----------
I always read my wife's horoscope to see what kind of day I'm going to have!
----------
The difference between a husband and childbirth is that one can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable; while the other is just having a baby!
----------
Marriages may be made in Heaven... but the maintenance charges have to be paid on Earth!
----------
Women wear Mangalsutra and/or Sindoor to show that they're married.
Men carry Tupperware lunch boxes into office to show that they are married!
----------
Irritating Wife: Shall I put the kettle on?
Indifferent Husband: OK, but it won't go with that skirt!
----------
HONEYMOON: A man's last holiday!
----------
Wife: Honey, before we got married, you used to give me gifts and expensive jewelry.
Husband: Yes... so?
Wife: How come you don't do it anymore?
Husband: Have you ever seen a fisherman give worms to the fish after catching it!
----------
All Husbands are like Bluetooth;
Always connected when wife is around;
But;
The moment wife is away;
They automatically start searching for the new Devices.
----------
Wife : You are extremely impolite. All the time I was talking, you were continuously yawning...
Husband : I was not yawning; I was trying to say something!
----------
I believe trust is the very key in a relationship, cause if you don't trust your girlfriend, how could you be sure she won't tell your wife?
----------  
Written behind the back of a biker's T-shirt:
If you are able to read this, it means my wife has fallen off... please inform me!
----------
What a contradiction?
If wife wants husband's attention, she just has to look sad and uncomfortable;
But if husband wants wife's attention, he just has to look comfortable and happy!
----------
Never Argue with your wife when she's angry;
or when she's tired;
or relaxed;
or happy or whatever.
JUST NEVER.
----------
If women are always right, how come so many of them end up picking the wrong man?
----------
Wife: If I die first, I want you to promise to let my mother ride in the first car with you at the funeral procession.
Husband: OK, but it will totally ruin my day.
----------
A wife was screaming at her husband, "Leave! Get out of this house!" she ordered.
As husband was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
He stopped, turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"
----------
Husband before leaving for office to his angry wife, "Have a Nice Day!"
Wife: Don't tell me what to do!
----------
Sure, marriage can be fun some of the time. Trouble is one is married all of the time!
----------
Wife: I am not talking to you.
Hubby: Okay!
Wife: You don't want to know the reason?
Hubby: Nope, I trust your judgment!
----------
The human body has over a million nerves.
And only the wife knows how to get on every single one of them!
----------
Secret fail-free formula for married couples:
"Love One Another"
And if it doesn't work, bring the last word in the middle!
----------
Every unmarried girl looks for Mr. Charming. And after a few years of married life, she becomes unsecured and doesn't want him to look charming.
It's damn weird!
----------
Marriage is like a casino.
You go in all excited and optimistic;
And you stumble out broke, drunk and talking to yourself!
----------
A woman is the most beautiful creation of God. She starts compromising from a very tender age. She sacrifices her chocolates for her brother. Later, she sacrifices her love for just a smile on her parents' face.
As a result, she avenges it after she gets married by venting all her anger and directing her ire against her hubby!
----------
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep!
----------  
Definition of a Happy Couple;
HE does what she wants.
SHE does what she wants!
----------
Dear Wife,
Lose an argument for a change and surprise your Husband!
----------
Hard fact of married life:
Your wife misses you the most when you're partying with your friends!
----------
Some women are so concerned about their husband's happiness that they hire a private detective to find out as to who is responsible for it!
----------
Marriage is love.
Love is blind.
Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
----------
A woman learning to drive to her husband, "But I don't know what to do!"
Husband: Just imagine that I'm driving!
----------
Instead of divorce, why isn't there a marriage license that one has to renew every year!
----------
What's the difference between divorce and legal separation?
In legal separation, the husband gets time to hide his money!
----------
Love is like a game of Chess... One wrong move, and you are married!
----------
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
----------
The only thing, my mother-in-Law and I agree on is that:
My wife should have married someone else!
----------
The 4 dangerous weapons in the world:
1. Wife's Smile
2. Wife's Tears
3. Wife's Looks
And the 4th most dangerous is Wife's Missed Call!
----------
Married men aren't nearly as concerned about Wi-Fi, as they are about Wife's-Eye!
----------
A Happiest man is one;
Whose daughter is on Femina's cover;
Son on India Today;
Girlfriend on Playboy;
And;
Wife in the missing column of a newspaper
----------
Laughing at your own mistakes can lengthen your life;
But laughing at your wife's mistakes can shorten your life!
----------
Marriage is very much like a violin. After the sweet music is over, the strings are attached!
----------
My friends always use to say, "There's plenty of fish in the sea".
But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale!
----------
Man may have discovered fire... but woman discovered how to play with it!
----------
What's a man's idea of doing housework?
.
..
...
Lifting his legs so you can hoover.
----------
Married men are no more interested in Mid-Day meal (tiffins) sent by their wives.
Now they prefer junk food!
----------
Only a divorce teaches us that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a big financial loss!
----------
Marriage is a beautiful forest where "Brave lions" are killed by "Beautiful Deer".
----------
A woman who says her husband can't take a joke is wrong. He already took her!
----------
If you are happy even after your marriage, you haven't taken your marriage seriously!
----------
I tried Internet dating, but I quickly realized it wasn't for me when they matched me up with my wife!
----------
Modern paintings are like women:
You'll never enjoy them, if you try to understand them.
----------
Marriage counsellor: Why did you hit your wife with a chair?
Husband: I couldn't lift the table.
----------
Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious: Both are disappointed.
----------
Heated Gold is called Ornament;
Beated Copper is called Wire;
Compressed Carbon is called Diamond;
And Heated, Beated and Compressed Person is called Husband!
----------
Courtship is like looking at the beautiful photos in a seed catalogue.
Marriage is what actually comes up in your garden!
----------
Once a man asked God, "Why all girls are so sweet and all wives are horrible and bitter?"
God answered, "Because girls are made by me but wives are made by you"!
----------
Wife: Why in wedding Ceremony girl sits on left and boy on right?
Husband: Because according to profit & loss A/C all incomes are on right side and expenses on left side.
----------
I treat my wife like a goddess...
I'm an atheist, so I ignore her.
----------
A man's dream:
7 Digit bank balance
6 Digit salary
5 Room house
4 Wheel vehicle
3 Week's holiday
2 Lovely girlfriends &
1 'Silent' wife.
----------
Intelligent man + intelligent girl = Friendship.
Duffer man + intelligent girl = Love.
Intelligent man + duffer girl = Dates.
Duffer man + duffer girl = Love marriage
----------
A man likes his wife to be just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness, and just stupid enough to admire it.
----------
The Nigella Limit:
The maximum duration of time a husband can put up with wife's bad cooking!
----------
Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without;
But whatever you do, you'll regret it later!
----------
3 magical words for a happy and successful marriage:

OK! BUY IT!
----------
How to take major decisions of life?
First think from your heart;
Then think with your mind;
And then do as your wife says!
----------
Wife: I should have married a devil. Even, he would have made a better husband than you.
Husband: But honey, marriage between relatives is morally considered wrong in our culture!
----------
Every wife is a 'Mistress' for her husband.
'Miss' for one hour and 'Stress' for the 23 hours.
----------
Wives are the original bookies - they're forever trying to fix a husband's life!
----------
How to create the biggest doubt in your wife's mind for you?
Send her an SMS out of the blue saying,

"Honey, I love you, too!"
GAME OVER!
----------
Some people can't decide - whether weekdays are hectic or weekends. These people are called married men!
----------
It's damn funny when a wife thinks she is punishing her husband by not talking to him for days!
----------
Ever since Eve started it all by offering Adam an apple - woman's punishment has been to provide a man with food and also suffer the consequences!
----------
Marriage is that relation between man and women in which, the Independence is equal, the Dependence mutual and the Obligation reciprocal.
Best wishes for Happy Wedding Anniversary.
----------
LISTEN and SILENT are two words having the same Alphabets.
Amazingly both are meant for Husbands!
----------
Husband's practical problem is to deal with wife's imaginary problems!
----------
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
----------
Wives are never wrong...
It's just that sometimes they are rude, confused, senseless, emotionless, unchangeable, crazy, stupid, idiot and even mad.
But never ever they're wrong !
----------
Chess is the only game which reflects the true status of a husband...
The poor King can take only one step at a time;
While the mighty Queen can do whatever she likes!
----------
I used to think that I wasn't scared of anything until
.
..
...
I saw my wife reversing my new car!
----------
Whenever I disagree with my wife, which is seldom,she goes her way and I go
.
..
...
Her way too!
----------
A man before marriage is a Superman;
After Marriage, he is a Gentleman;
After 5 years, he is a Watchman;
And 10 Years later, he is a Spiderman caught in his own web!
----------
If men behave after marriage the way they do before it, half the divorces won't take place.
On the other hand, if women behave before marriage the way they do after it, half the marriages won't take place!
----------
Dear Ladies,
If your man says he'll fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it!
----------
Marry someone who can cook;
Love fades, hunger doesn't!
----------
Conversation between 2 Men:
1st man: I am a man of few words.
2nd man: Same here, I am married too!
----------
Lord Ganesha had two wives Riddhi and Siddhi.
Most men have one...
.
..
...
Ziddi!
----------
Holiday:
It's a day when a man stops doing what his Boss wants and starts doing what his Wife wants!
----------
Optimist:
He is a man who waits in his car with engine running while his wife goes shopping.
----------
Some people can't decide whether weekdays are hectic or weekends.
These people are called...
Married men.
----------
A good wife always forgives her husband when, She's wrong.
----------
Every Indian woman is Rani Laxmi Bai.
Rani: in her father's house before marriage.
Laxmi: when she goes to her husband's house.
Bai: when she raises her children!
----------
Two soldiers were having a chat during their free time.
1st Soldier: Why did you join the army?
2nd Soldier: I didn't have a wife and I loved war. So I joined. How about you? Why did you join the army?
1st Soldier: I joined because I had a wife and I loved peace!
----------
MARRIAGE is just a fancy word for adopting an over-grown female child who can't be handled by her parents anymore.
----------
Regardless of what you may say or hear, there are still many women these days who are excellent 'housekeepers'.
They keep the house every time they get a divorce.
----------
Alcohol is the worst thing in the world.
My friend had a lot last night and ended up saying - "I love you" to his own wife!
----------
The person who invented marriage was creepy as Hell.
Otherwise how can a person really think of such weird thing like,
"Hey! yo I love you so much. I'm gonna get the government involved so that you can't leave me".
----------
My Marriage is made of Trust and Understanding.
.
..
...
She doesn't Trust me and I don't Understand her!
----------
You're talking of Twitter and SMS;
Even in my real life, my communication to my wife is limited to 140 characters only.
----------
The government should make it mandatory to print a "Statutory Warning" on Wedding Cards like on Cigarette packets that:
Marriage may be injurious to Wealth!
----------
What do you call a man who loses 150 lbs of useless fat?
A divorcee!
----------
If love is blind and marriage is an institution;
Then marriage is an institution of the blind.
----------
Thinking on toes:
When mom asks, "Whom do you love more, me or your wife". Smart answer: I don't know Mom, but your love makes me forget my Wife; and her love and care reminds me of you".
----------
What's the difference between Poetry and Essay?
Any word uttered by a Girlfriend is Poetry while anything said by Wife is Essay.
----------
Adam and Eve's wedding.
Adam: I hereby take Eve to be my LAWFUL wedded wife.
EVE didn't hear the 'L'.
.
..
...
Thus, the misery began and has continued ever since.
----------
When you develop the ability to listen to anything unconditionally without losing your temper or self confidence, it means
.
..
...
that you're a MALE and MARRIED!
----------
You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands;
If they are placed around his hubby's throat, she's probably slightly upset.
----------
Listening to your WAGs is like reading the "Terms and Conditions" of a website.
You don't understand anything, still you confirm
.
..
...
"I Agree"!
----------
It's like a mini Heart Attack, when men can't find their mobiles in their pockets
and
It's almost like a Brain Hemorrhage, when they see it in their wife's hand.
----------
If Flipkart starts matrimonial services, they'll become the no. 1 site.
.
..
...
Coz they have the 30 day return policy!
----------
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. Bcoz they want to.
----------
Just because a person is silent doesn't mean that he is not aware of fun and joy. It's possible that life taught him some serious lessons.
Or may be, he is Married.
----------
Wife: I think...
Husband: Exactly!
Wife: But I haven't said anything yet!
Husband: Doesn't matter... You're right!
----------
Don't expect a woman to be an angel if you haven't created a heaven for her at home.
----------
Dear Weather,
Please stop being so romantic. We don't have girlfriends, we have wives!
Sincerely,
All Husbands
----------
There was a lover who once said to his beloved that he would go through hell for her.
And eventually married her, to prove it!
----------
A girl before marriage looks like a Barbie Doll.
After Marriage: Beautiful Doll;
After 1 Year: Nice Doll;
After 2 Years: Only Doll;
After 5 Years: Dholl;
After 10 Years: Dolly Bindra
----------
Wife: Darling, kuch aisi baat karo ki mai khush ho jaun aur jal bhi jaun.
Husband: Jaan tum meri Zindagi ho aur... aur... aur Laanat hai aisi zindagi pe.
----------
Both of my marriages were disasters. My first wife left me. My second one didn't.
----------
On a wall in a ladies room... My husband follows me everywhere.
Written just below it: I do not.
----------
Husbands are the best persons to share your secrets with. They won't tell anyone because they probably never listen to you in the first place.
----------
A man's body has millions of nerves but only a wife can manage to get on each & every one of them.
----------
You are not a real man until a woman is upset with you, for a reason that you don't even understand.
----------
Every wife is like "terms and conditions" of a website. The husbands never understand or read what she says but they all always accept.
----------
Q: What do you call 300,000 women with black eyes?
A: Horrible listeners.
----------
My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.
----------
Candle lit bubble baths are so relaxing - every time my wife takes one, I get about an hour of peace and serenity.
----------
Running away from any problem will only increase the distance from the solution. So face the problem in the same way as you face your spouse daily!
----------
Q: What do you call a woman who smiles at you when you leave the house and smiles when you come back?
A: The neighbour's wife.
----------
When you touch to feel, it's desire;
When you don't touch and still feel, it's love;
When you touch and still don't feel,
..
..
..
It's your wife!
----------
The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is...
Just open the door and push her out.
----------
I was playing Chess today. I beat my wife.
.
..
...
Then I went back to playing Chess.
----------
Who says wives are difficult to please? They just want two things in life - Love & Labels!
----------
Hey kids! Don't bother getting married, just find a woman you don't like and give her a house!
----------
The relationship between husband & wife is very psychological. One is psycho and the other is logical.
----------
Q: What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
A: You can't hear a cribbing vitamin.
----------
I lost 240 pounds in one day.
.
..
...
I divorced my wife!
----------
What most women want is just YOU; after you have taken her to the Jeweller's and an overseas holiday!
----------
Q: What's the difference between a woman's argument and a knife?
A: A knife has a point.
----------
Men are like fish; neither of them would get in trouble if they kept their mouths shut.
----------
The lie wives use most: I have a headache!
The lie husbands use most: I'm on my way!
----------
To err is human and to remember that error forever is
.
..
...
Wife.
----------
After years of threatening to leave, last night my wife finally broke my heart...She's staying.
----------
A man's silence can break a woman's heart into pieces.
While a woman's silence gives a thousand peaceful moments to a man!
----------
You cheat God thousands of times but God is so kind that he does not punish you each time. He just gets you married once.
----------
In most cases, Marriage is the only Union that can't be organized.
Both sides think they're......THE MANAGEMENT!
----------
The worst part of recession is that I lost half my stuff and still have my wife.
----------
Sadhu: We go years without verbal communication, we call it "Maun-Vrat".
Man: We have the same experience, but we call it Marriage.
----------
Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
----------
One man's folly is another man's wife!
----------
You know what I did before I got married?
Anything I wanted to...
----------
Spouse: Someone who will stand by you through all the troubles that you would never have had if you'd stayed single!
----------
Chess says everything about men & women.
The King has to take one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever she feels like...
----------
Son: Mummy, do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time?'
Mummy: No sometimes they start with, 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight!'
----------
Before marriage - She expects.
After marriage - She suspects.
After death - She respects.
----------
A son asked his mother, "Why are wedding dresses white?" She replied, "It shows your friends and relatives that the bride is pure." Then the son went and asked the same question to his father. "All household appliances come in white," said his father.
----------
Does anybody have an "Owner's Manual" for Wives? Mine's making a terrible loud whinning noise...
----------
Son-in-law to his father-in-law:
Dear Dad,
I deeply regret taking Petrol Car in dowry, please take ur daughter or the car back. Can't afford both!
Regards
----------
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
----------
Daughter: What made you marry, Mummy?
Father: So you are beginning to wonder, too?
----------
Wife: You had lunch?
Husband: You had lunch?
Wife: I'm asking you.
Husband: I'm asking you.
Wife: Are you copying me?
Husband: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you.
Husband: I had lunch!
----------
Research has revealed that you can actually fall in love with your own wife...
.
..
...
If somebody else describes her to you.
----------
Wife: There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.
Hubby: Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous.
Wife: I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.
Hubby: You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?
Wife: In the pool.
----------
Wife: There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.
Hubby: Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous.
Wife: I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.
Hubby: You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?
Wife: In the pool.
----------
The secrets of a happy marriage:
Open Tools;
Go to Internet Options;
Clear History;
Delete Files;
Delete Cookies.
----------
Which is the most dangerous alphabet?
'W'
Bcoz all Worries start with 'W'. Who, Why, What, When, Which, Whom, Where, War, Wine, Whisky, Women & finally above all, Wife!
----------
3 men are arguing about "When life begins?"
1st: At the time of conception
2nd: At the time of birth
3rd: When wife and children go for a vacation!
----------
There's a strain of virus deadlier than H1N1. It afflicts most married men causing speech impairment, stress, high B.P and fits of rage. There's no cure in sight and it stays with the victim forever. It's called B1W1(Wife).
----------
If you are single, remember good things come to people who wait.
If you are settled, then settlement is what you get from a separation.
----------
People say marriage brings spice, tears, happiness, flavour and taste to life.
Personally, I believe Paani Puri does a better job.
----------
A Chinese'll have a wife and a girlfriend and he'll love his wife more.
A Black'll have 2 wives and 5 girlfriends and he'll love his 1st wife more.
A White'll have 1 wife and 3 girlfriends and he'll love his girlfriends more.
An Indian'll have 1 wife and 4 girlfriends and he'll still love his mommy more.
----------
Women are like phones, they like to be held, talked to and touched often.
But push the wrong button and you're disconnected.
----------
Women's Dictionary:
NO = YES
May be = No
We need = I want
We need to talk = You're in deep trouble.
----------
Flirting is like a game of Chess;
One wrong move and you're married!
----------
One day God erased a husband's memory & asked, "Do u remember anyone now? The husband told his wife's name. God smiled and said, "the virus has not gone even after formatting".
----------
One day God erased a husband's memory & asked, "Do u remember anyone now? The husband told his wife's name. God smiled and said, "the virus has not gone even after formatting".
----------
I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband.
He's still not seeing things my way.
----------
Dear Husband,

Your wallet was getting fat so I am taking it out for some exercise!

Yours
Loving Wife
----------
Boss: You look like my third wife.
Lady: How many times have U been married?
Boss: Twice.
----------
A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is hatching a plan.
----------
Life is a paradox:
What U want U don't get(luv);
What U get, U don't enjoy(marriage); What U enjoy is not permanent(girlfriend):
What is permanent is boring(wife)!
----------
God thought that since He couldn't be everywhere so He made a mother. Then devil thought that He couldn't be everywhere so he made a mother-in-law.
----------
God thought that since he couldn't be everywhere he made a mother. Then devil thought that he couldn't be everywhere he made a mother-in-law
----------
A lot of men & women would rather stay single because they're tired of giving their everything and ending up with nothing.
----------
It's tough to stay married! My wife kisses the dog on the lips, but won't drink from my glass!
----------
Two theories to argue with wife :
1. If she is right then be fair to her & keep quiet.
2. If she is wrong then be kind to yourself & keep quiet!
----------
Women's Logic:
If he is not on FaceBook;
He must be with that Bitch!
.
..
If he is on FB;
He must be chatting with that Bitch!
----------
Married life is so easy. It's just like a walk in the park.
BUT the problem is:
.
..
...
that the park is Jurassic!
----------
A relationship without trust is like a cellphone with no service.
And what do you do with a cellphone with no service?
You play games.
----------
Wives often wonder why men drink so much! Well the answer is simple. If you're not going to make an effort to improve your appearance, someone has to!
----------
Never criticize ur husband's faults. Remember it may have been these little imperfections that stopped him from getting a better wife.
----------
Never criticize ur husband's faults. Remember it may have been these little imperfections that stopped him from getting a better wife.
----------
My Wife treats me like GOD!
She takes NO notice of my Existence till she wants Something.
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Wife to husband: You don't love me at all.
Husband points towards their 5 children and says, `Do you think I have downloaded them from Google`?
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Husband: When I`m gone, you`ll never find another man like me.
Wife: What makes you think I`d want another man like you!
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The successful marriage depends on one simple equation: Wife having Beauty Secrets and husband having Secret Beauties.
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An intelligent wife is one who makes sure she spends so much that her husband can`t afford another women.
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4 Stages of marriage:
Mad for each other.
Made for each other.
Mad at each other.
Mad bcoz of each other.
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Truth of Life:
Husband makes a mistake, wife shouts & husband says sorry.
Wife makes a mistake, husbands shouts & wife cries; & husband again says sorry.
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Marriage Age 18.
Drinking Age 25.
Can someone ask the damn politicians how to survive the first 7 years of Marriage?
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Interviewer: What is the best thing about your wife?
Husband: She has a problem for every solution.
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Marriage is like a public toilet Those waiting outside are desperate to get in & Those inside are desperate to come out.
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Man: Is there any way 4 long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of a long life will never come to u again!
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Q: What is the next thing one should do after winning an argument with the wife ?
A: Apologise !!!
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Meaning of Marriage for a woman: Sacrificing admiration of many men for the criticism of one man!
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Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia?
The mafia wants either ur money or life... The wives want both!
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A man is the head of the family and the wife is the neck. The neck turns the head exactly the way it wants.
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Men who don't understand women at all, by & large, fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
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Excellence is an option that is renewable.
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Wife to her friend: My hubby bought me a Mood ring the other day. When I'm in a gud mood, it turns Green & when Im in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead!
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Difference between GF & Wife?
GF-Beauty, Wf-Duty
GF-Pension, Wf- Tension,
GF-Yummy, Wf-Vehmi,
GF-Cool, Wf-Fool,
GF-Tutti-Fruity, Wf-Kismat Futi
GF-Fresh Cake, Wf-Earthquake
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Wats the diff between Complete & Finished?
If you find good wife u r complete otherwise u r finished.
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So many options: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow and sure!
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Friend: How's ur sex life?
Man: As usual, Monday to Friday.
Friend: What about the weekends?
Man: Weekends? Oh! That time I'm at home, relaxing with my wife !
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Have u heard about the man who threw his wife into a pond of crocodiles? He's now being harassed by the animal rights for being cruel to the crocodiles.
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While in bed after few years of marriage, husband and wife's HIPS meet each other more often than LIPS....
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True friends stand behind u during ur bad times. Do u want a proof? Check out your marriage album. U'll find that all ur friends standing behind U
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Two men r talking. 1st: I got married coz I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry & wearing shabby clothes.
2nd: Amazing, I just got divorced for the very same reasons!
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Every Man needs a Beautiful wife, intelligent wife, caring wife, loving wife, sexy wife, adjusting & cooperative wife, but it's sad that law allows only one wife.
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A man's silence can break a woman's heart into a thousand pieces while a woman's silence can give a man a thousand moments of peace!
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Wife: If I dismiss the cook and make the food myself for a month, what will you pay me?
Husband: I won't have to pay you, you'll get my entire insurance amount.
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If you never want to see a man again, say: I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children - they leave skid marks.
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They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true. As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank.
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Yeah, my husband and I just split up. I finally faced the fact that we're incompatible. I'm a Virgo and he's an a@@hole.
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Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home& devil in bed. But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home& economist in Bed.
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Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!
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Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u.
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Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
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Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
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Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
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Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
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It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
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It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women and then he turns them into Wives !
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A man who surrenders when he's wrong, is Honest. A man who surrenders when not Sure, is Wise. A man who surrenders even if he's Right, is a Husband.
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If u r married please ignore this msg, for everyone else: Happy Independence Day
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Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish.
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There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage
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Why do Bride & Groom exchange varmaala during wedding ?
To tell each other affectionately... Sweetheart U R Dead !
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Different Phases of a man:
After engagement: Superman
After Marriage: Gentleman
After 10 years: Watchman
After 20 years: Doberman
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There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it. There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it
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Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
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How Dogs and Women are alike?
Neither believe that silence is golden, neither can balance a checkbook, and Both put too much value on kissing
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The world's thinnest book has only one word written in it: Everything
and the book is titled: "What Woman Want!"
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A man who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
A man who surrenders when he's NOT SURE, is WISE.
A man who surrenders when he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND
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Galfriends r like chocolates, taste gud anytime.
Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.
Husbands r like Dal RICE, eaten when there`s no choice
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Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.
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Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
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There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thruogh hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell.
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On Jeeto's bday Santa had no money, so he sent a cheque of 100 kisses.
When he returns home Jeeto said: Thanks I got cheque cashed from bank manager.
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Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!
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Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!
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Life is a paradox-what u want u don't get(luv), what u get, u don't njoy(marriage), what u njoy is not permanent(galfriend), what is permanent is boring(wife)
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What men want: A woman who can cook, a woman who earns good money, a woman who loves him & system to make sure that those 3 women never meet each other!
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Lady 2 her maid: Oh Kanta, I hv reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary."
Kanta : I don't believe it! U r just saying that 2 make me jealous!"
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Man: I want a divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are hard to get!
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Husband: Shall we try a different position tonight?
Wife: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
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Husband: "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me."
Wife replied: "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"
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The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother & said, "I've found a man just like father!"
Mother replied, "So what do u want from me, sympathy?"
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After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love & didn't notice."
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Santa: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.
Jeeto: Yes darling I still do, only differnece is earlier it was 300ml now it's 1.5 ltr.
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