Punjabi jokes

A Punjabi woman in London talking in English to a doctor about her sick child:
My Kaka is ill Ek Week Da,
Na Eat Da, Na Sleep Da,
Bas Weep Da Te Cheek Da,
Nale Nak Vi Leak Da!
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Fakir: Koi Baba Nu Roti Khawa Do
Baba Chawal Vi Kha Lena
Baba Icecream Vi Kha Lenda
Baba Burger Vi Kha Lenda
Baba Sandwich Vi Kha Lenda
Lady: Baba Juttiyan Vi Kha Lenda Ke Nahin?
Fakir: Na Puttar, Sakht Cheez Di Manai Hai...!
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Enjoy the finest of Punjabi poetry:
Once there was a Crow;
Chandigarh Vich Baitha Si Oh.
Usne Peg Laye Si Do;
O Talli Geya Si Ho.
Ik Chiri Rahi Si Ro;
Crow Ne Ched Ditti Oh.
Utto Aa Geya Chiri Da Peo;
Chiri De Peo Ne Phir Kuttya Crow.
Crow Sharminda Geya Si Ho;
Hun Chiri Nu Bhain Kehnda Oh!
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Ajj Kal De Zamaane Vichh Maape Apne Baccheyan Da Bahut Kehna Mande Hann!
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Santa used to go daily to a meat shop: Boneless Meat Deo... Kutte Vaaste.
Then one day he came - Bones Wala Deo.
The butcher asked: Ajj Dog Nu Bones Vi Deoge?
Santa: Nahi, Ajj Assi Khaana!
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Yaar Main Ik Kudi Di Fake ID To Kisi Kudi Naal Gall Karda Hunda Si, Mainu Usde Naal Pyaar Ho Geya. Fir Ik Din Main Usnu Daseya Ki Main Munda Haan,
Usda Reply Aaya Ki Oh Vi Munda Hai.
Yaar Lok Eddan Kyon Karde Aa!
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Punjab Da Vikas Te Malaysia Da Jahaaj - Je Kise Ne Dekhia Ta Jaroor Dasso!
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T.T.: Ticket Dikhao.
Santa: Aa Lo Ji.
T.T.: Eh Ta Purani Ticket Hai.
Santa: Te Train Kehda Tere Peyo Ne Hune Showroom To Kadwai Aa!
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Professor: Je Koi Munda Girls Hostel Di Taraf Geya Ta Pehli Vaar Rs.100 fine, Duji Vaar 200 Te Tiji Vaar 500 fine Lagguga.
Pappu: Sir Ji, PASS Kine Da Banuga?
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Saade Layi Ta Valentine Week Aiven Langh Geya,
Jiven Sharabian Layi Naraate!
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Vehle Assi - 'Tension' Lokan Nu!
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Petrol, Sharab Te Net Pack Jinne Marzi Mehnge Ho Jaan,
Punjabiyan Nu Koi Farak Nahi Painda!
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Mangal Sutra Latakda Hovey Ta Kudi Shaadi Shuda;
Je Munh Latakda Hovey Ta Munda!
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ਉੱਠ ਕੇ ਸਵੇਰੇ ਨਾਮ ਲਈਏ ਰੱਬ ਦਾ;
ਦੋਵੇਂ ਹੱਥ ਜੋੜ ਭਲਾ ਮੰਗੀਏ ਸੱਬ ਦਾ!

Uth Ke Savere Naam Layiye Rabb Da;
Dove Hath Jod Bhala Mangiye Sab Da!

Good Morning!
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Biology Teacher: What is Aloe Vera?
Pappu: It's a Punjabi sister/brother offering something to his elder brother!
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Baari Barsi Khattan Geya Si;
Baari Barsi Khattan Geya Si;
Maa Ne Khichh Ke Maari Chandd;
Jacket Paa Kuteya, Bahar Kinni Thandd!
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Yaar Change Hoan Tan Rabb Ban Jande Ne;
Yaar Madde Hoan Tan Yabb Ban Jande Ne!
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Janta Group Ta Eda Join Kardi Hai Jive Bhua Da Viah Hunda Te Share Karan Vele Bimari Eda Paindi Hai, Jive Fufad Ne Daj Vich Safari Gaddi Mang Layi Hove!
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Urdu Mein Arz Kiya Hai:
Woh Waqt Gujar Gaya, Jab Mujhe Teri Mohobbat Ki Aarzoo Thi;
Ab Tu Khuda Bhi Ban Jaye Toh Main Tera Sajdaa Na Karoon!
Punjabi Explanation in Short:
MAIN DUJJI LABH LAYI!
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Kinni Ajeeb Gall Hai - Kandh Vichh Traid Pai Jaave Ta Kandh Digg Paindi Hai;
Par Rishteyian Vich Traid Pai Jave Ta Kandhan Khadiyan Ho Jandian Ne!
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We are Punjabi.
Aapa Calm Coom Nahi Hunde!
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Ik Kudi Mainu Kehndi - Tussi, Mera Dil Ta Nai Todoge?
Main Keha - Kamliye, Assi Sara Din Dakka Ni Tod De, Tera Dil Ki Todange!
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Santa: Sir Hun Meri Salary Wada Diyo, Mera Viyah Ho Geya Hai.
Boss: Factory De Bahar Hon Wale Hadseyan Layi Factory Jimmevar Nahin Hundi!
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Lo Bhai Dosto, T-shirts Nu Karo Maaf;
Geyser Nu Kar Lo Saaf, Rajayia Nu Chara Lo Glaaf;
Jacketan Te Kotiyan Wali Kholo Paand;
Mere Walo Sareya Nu Happy Thand!
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Doctor Kehnda Savere Jaldi Utho... Umar Vaddhi Hai.
Murga Savere Cheti Uthda Hai, Te Sham Nu Shaheed Ho Janda Hai.
Vehma To Bacho Aaram Naal Utho!
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Teacher: Jo Bachha 20 Tak Counting Sunaega Use Main Ek Kiss Dungi.
Punjabi Bachha: Madam Ji, Mainu 100 Tak Aaundi Hai. Tussi Scheme Puri Dasso!
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Janta Group Ta Eda Join Kardi Hai... Jive Bhua Da Viah Hunda Te 'Share' Karan Vele Bimari Eda Paindi Hai, Jive Fufad Ne Daj Vich 'Innova' Gaddi Mang Layi Hove!
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Always speak truth to your parents and run away immediately after saying it... because the speed of
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'JUTTI' shall be certainly faster than you!
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Ik Ta Pehla Hi Mood Off Hunda Utto Ghar De Moongi Masri Bana Lainde Aa!
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Dada: Puttar Andarun, Mere Dand Tain Zara Le Aa.
Pota: Par Daddu, Ajje Roti Tain bani Nahin.
Dada: Oye! Roti Nu Maar Goli, Main Tain Sirf Saamne Waali Buddhi Nu Smile Deni Hai!
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Main iPhone 6 lena aa,
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Je Kise Nu Kidney Chahidi Hove, Ta Dasyo!
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Kissi Ne Mainu Pucheya - Whatsapp Group Ki Hunda Hai?
Main Keha, "WhatsApp Group Railgaddi De Uss Bhare Hoye General Dabbe Di Tarah Hunda Hai Jiss Vich 'Padd' Koi Vi Maare Sunghna Sare Dabbe Nu Painda Hai!"
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Meanwhile in Punjab:
Doctor: Yeh Goli 'Tongue' ke Niche Rakhna.
Santa: Kehdi Tang, Left ya Right?
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Arrange Marriage means that you are walking and suddenly a snake bites;
But Love Marriage means you go to the snake, and say "Ley Wadd Ley".
Hunn Wadd Vi!
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Punjabi Girl to her Bengali boyfriend in College: Main Kidan Lag Rahi Hain?
Bengali Boyfriend: Bhalo!
Girl: Aur Tu Bandar. Kutte... Kamine... Dafa Ho Ja!
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Main Petrol Pump Aley Nu Keha 20 Da Tel Payi, Yaar.
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Saala Aggo Kenda - 10 Hor Dedo Pump Ch Hissa Pva Dene Aa !
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Jananiya De Drame Te 'Nike' De Pajame Saara Saal Chalde Ne!
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When I Whatsapp and you read, we both think of each other. Do you know what that means?
It means...
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Tussi vi Vehle te Assi vi Vehle!
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Convent School de bachhe Zoo Vichh: Wow monkey is sleeping, don't disturb.
Punjab Govt. School de bachhe: Oh Vekh, Tera Peo Suta Peya... Watta Mar Saale de!
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Pendu Jawaak: Bapu, Main Ikk Billi Agge 2 Chuhe Rakhe... Billi Ne Ikk Kha Lea, Ikk Nahi.
Peyu: O Kyon? Ik Plastic da Houga, Kanjra.
Jawaak: Nahi Bapu. Ik Main Nakk Cho Kadeya Si!
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Bachha: Mummy Tu Ta Kehndi Si Ke Pari Udd-di Hundi Aa. Fir Apni Gwandan Aunty Kyun Ni Udd-di?
Mummy: Ohnu Pari Kihne Keha?
Bachha: Daddy Kehnde Si.
Mummy: Lae Fir Puttar, Ajj Uddegi.. Ohh Naale Tera Peo Vi!
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Wife ko Pyaar Sey Gulaab Maarne Par Response:
English speaking wife: You are really very naughty, Sweetheart!
Urdu speaking wife: Na Karo na, Jaanu!
Panjabi speaking wife: Banda Ban Ja, Kanjra!
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Pappu: Papa, mera padhayi vich dil ni lagda...Mera vyaah karwa deo.
Santa: Marzi aa teri, Puttar... Inj rull ya unj rull!
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Vyaah Karoun Da Ik Fayda Ta Jaroor Hai...
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Paise Bhavein Lagg Jaande Ne... Par Saari Umar Di Cheej Ban Jaandi Hai!
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Teacher: Jurmana Maafi Di Arzi Likho.
Pappu: Sir, Jurmana Kina Hai?
Teacher: 5 Rupae.
Pappu: Ah Lo 5 Rupae, Mere Bapu Ne Keha Hai Ke 5-10 Pichhe Kissi Kanjar Di Minnat Ni Karni
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A boy proposed to a girl, "I love you, I was in love with you from the 1st time I saw you. I can do anything for you. You're my first and the last wish. You're everything for me. I wish we marry and live happily ever after! Please don't say no to me. You're the love and my life.
Girl: Veere! Mainu Angreji Ni Aundi!
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English Mother : Good night, dear!
Hindi Mother: Shubh Ratri, Beta!
Punjabi Mother: So Ja Kuteya! Mobile Da Kheda Chadd De! Rakh De Apne Peo Nu Hun...
Phone Wali Maa Naal Svere Gala Kr Lei!
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Whatsapp Wali Ho Gayi Kudiye;
Tu Bhul Gyi FB Wale Yaaran Nu;
Dukhaan Ne Tera Yaar Khaa Leya;
Jiven ELANTE Khaa Gya 17 Nu!
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