Jokes on exercise n dieting

Yes, I do have feelings!
Last night, I dropped a piece of pizza on the floor and I just stared and cried for 10 minutes!
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I'm glad chocolate bars come with resealable packages, so I can eat half now, and the other half 1 minute from now!
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Humans are funny creatures.
They invent machines to skip efforts and then invent gyms to make up for the efforts they skipped!
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Contrary to popular belief, it's actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress!
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I wanted to lose weight, so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there!
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The body is 70% water... So cool, I am not fat I am just flooded!
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I can lose weight but I hate losing!
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I do have feelings.
For example... I always feel hungry!
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Damn, you know you're getting old when you get up in the morning and have to rest for a while!
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Our bodies don't trust us at all. They keep fat because they're not confident we are going to eat!
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I exercised once but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath.
Very dangerous!
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A Samosa is just a fortune cookie and the potato inside it is telling us how fat our future is!
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Anyone who says time flies has obviously never been on a treadmill!
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I am trying to be more fit these days,
So now I walk inside the store to buy my burger instead of using the drive-thru!
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When on a diet:
Waiter: What would you like to have?
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: You want a sandwich?
Me: I'd prefer if we called it a salad, as I am on diet!
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I would like to go on a diet, but I'm afraid my brain will get thinner and I will become narrow-minded. So I dropped the idea!
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I am not fat, God gave me Airbags because I am precious!
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Saying 'You need to eat more' to a skinny person is acceptable in society but saying 'You need to eat less' to an obese is not!
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What's the difference between sun and bun?
Sun rises in the East and sets in the West.
Bun rises in the yeast and sets in the waist!
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If you weigh 100 kilos (220 lbs) on Earth, you only weigh 38 kilos (83 lbs) on Mars.
You are not fat, you are just on the wrong planet!
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The leading cause of obesity is...
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"Free Home Delivery"!
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My daily workout routine generally involves running around the house looking for my wine glass!
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I have a condition that prevents me from dieting.
It's called being hungry!
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Real pain is when you offer someone your food just to sound polite and they say yes and take it!
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My Gym instructor suggested skipping.
So I skipped the gym for 2 years and counting!
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Fat people should be called skinny as they have more skin surface area!
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The only reason I'm fat is because...
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A tiny body couldn't store all this personality!
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True happiness is when someone says, You've lost weight!
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A vegetarian lady looked at my burger and said, " You know, a sheep died so you could have that burger."
I looked at her salad and responded, " Maybe she died because you keep eating all her food!"
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The leading cause of obesity is...
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"Free Home Delivery"!
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People are never fat, they are just easier to see!
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I wish we could donate body fat to those in need!
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As long as everything is exactly the way I want it... I am totally flexible!
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Please God, if you can't make me 'slim', make my friends 'fat'!
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On some days, I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running!
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Diet Tip:
Your pants won't get too tight if you don't wear any!
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I've been hiding from exercise. I'm in the fitness protection program!
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If health is wealth then I should care more... because 2 for 1 pizza is keeping me poor!
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I wish I loved exercise as much as I love getting drunk and eating everything around me.
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Every time I lose some weight i find it again in the refrigerator.
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Lose weight by taking 3 simple steps!
And then take 3 more steps.
Basically, keep walking until you've lost the weight.
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There's no excuse for laziness,
But if you find one let me know!
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For all fitness freaks:
5 ways to burn 100 calories:
1. Walking - 45 mins
2. Jogging/Running - 16 mins
3. Swimming - 17 mins
4. Climbing Stairs - 16 mins
5. Tennis - 14 mins

Note:
People who can't do all the above mentioned exercises, arguing with your wife for 2 minutes is equally effective!
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Important Dieting Tip:
Avoid things that make you fat like...
Measuring scale, Mirrors and Photographs!
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The past of eat is ate;
Th future of ate is weight;
And the most funny part is that people realize it when it's too late!
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I love my six packs so much, I cover it with a layer of fat!
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The more you weight, the harder it's to kidnap you.
So stay safe and eat cake!
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I didn't make it to the gym today.
That makes five years in a row!
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Learning from cows, buffaloes and elephants:
It's just impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass, salads and walking!
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I think I figured out Victoria's Secret. She's hungry!
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Diet rule #1:
If nobody sees you eating it, it doesn't contain any calories.
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Kya Aaj Aapne Exercise Ki?
Maine Toh
NIKE
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You can't spell diet without die!
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Take a walk, not a pill. The side effects are much better!
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Soreness - the most satisfying pain!
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Person 1: I can draw really well!
Person 2: I can sing really well!
Me: I can eat and drink really well!
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The hardest part of my diet is watching my friends eat!
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I wish I had a pair of skinny genes!
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20 years ago we had Johnny Cash,
Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.
Now we have no cash, no hope and no jobs.
Please don't let Kevin 'Bacon' die!
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Just wondering why brain cells die, skin cells die, your hair follicle die, but fat cells live FOREVER?
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Me: Why am I still single?
Brain: You're weird as shit.
Body: And you're fat.
Face: Plus you're ugly.
Food: But I'm here for you!
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I have finally realised that only way to lose weight with green tea is if you go to the mountain and pick it yourself!
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I'm not fat. I'm just so sexy, it overflows!
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing!
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The hardest part of my diet is watching my friends eat!
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I've finally decided to do something about my weight.
Lie!
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I wish there was a way to donate fat like you can donate blood!
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All I want in life is to lose weight and gain money.
Instead, I am, gaining weight and losing money!
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Exercise
Exercis
Exerci
Exerc
Exer
Exe
Ex
Extra
Extra Fr
Extra Fries
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I named my dog "5 miles" so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day!
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I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me!
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I really think that tossing and turning at night should be considered as exercise!
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I wish weight was like virginity, once you loose it you can't get it back!
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You know you're bored when all you do is eat!
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Single: Taken at the gym and don't have time for your sh*t!
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Age is only a number, Weight is only a number. These numbers are really starting to p*ss me off!
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My heart says bacon and beer but my jeans say, for the love of God dude - eat a f***ing salad!
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I can lose weight but I hate losing!
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Ganpati, Laughing Buddha, Santa-Claus or Kuber.
They're a few of the most popular Gods who're in the heavier side. So don't get hassled if you are a few pounds overweight!
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One quarter of what we eat keeps us alive. The other three quarters keep our doctors alive!
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The advantage of exercising every day is you die healthier!
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What we learnt from cows and buffaloes, It is just impossible to lose weight by eating greens and salads!
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Diet Tip:
Your pants will never get too tight if you don't wear any!
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Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow ye diet!
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The past of eat is ate and the future of ate is...
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Weight.
And the most funny part is that people realise it when its TOO LATE!
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January-February: Fried Food, Paranthas
March-April: Holi, Baisakhi and Harvest Season
May- June: Travel, Holiday and Grandparents visits
July-August: Mangoes and Fruit Season
September-October: Festivals - thus Mithai Season
November-December: Weddings and Parties Season
All Year Round: Chicken, Pizza and Burgers
Months with 'R' in them: Fish Season
Bhai Sahib, WEIGHT Kam Ho to Ho Kaise?
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My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It's called lunch!
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It's hard to sleep when you know how BURDENED your mind is.
It's even harder to sleep when you know there is
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some left over Butter Chicken in the fridge!
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Whoever snuck the letter 's' in "Fast Food" must have been a very clever person!
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The best way to a woman's heart is by saying those three words:
"You lost weight!"
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My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine!
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If it comes from a plant, eat it;
If it is made in Plant, don't!
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The leading cause of obesity is...
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"Free Home Delivery"!
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If God meant us to touch our toes, He would have put them higher up our body!
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I'm starting to think that the gym isn't really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later!
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People don't want to hear about your diet. Just shut up... eat your salad, and be sad!
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