Jokes on alcohol

Not to get technical, but according to Chemistry... Alcohol is a solution!
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These days nobody respects age...
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Unless it is distilled and bottled!
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There was a man, he left alcohol. His liver was saved but...
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he lost his friends!
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Just want to be rich enough to support my alcoholism with quality wine!
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Alcohol is not the answer.
Alcohol is the question, yes is the answer!
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Beware: Alcohol is a perfect solvent. It dissolves marriages, families and careers!
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That moment when you accidently pour too much alcohol into your drink and you have to rough it out because you are not a quitter!
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I've never run a sprint, but once I ran real fast across a parking lot because the liquor store was about to close!
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Having a hangover the next day is like rebooting in safe mode.
The main stuff still works, but it's hard to get much else done!
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Yoga may be the key to your flexibility.
Alcohol is the key to mine!
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Positive thinking comes in all shapes and sizes at your nearest liquor store!
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You are drunk when...
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You have to hold on, to the grass to keep from falling off the earth!
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According to chemistry, alcohol is actually a solution!
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You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night!
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Yesterday, I read an article that said, "if you drink every day... you are an alcoholic."
Thank God, I only drink at every night!
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Childhood is like being drunk.
Everyone remembers what you did, except you!
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I can't seem to find love. But it's okay.
I know exactly where the wine shop is!
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Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of a group of grains that could have become beer but didn't!
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Fact:
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow!
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Guy 1: Dude, how did you win that dance competition?
Guy 2: I don't know I was so drunk and I just walked across the dance floor to get another drink and they declared me the winner!
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A real man is one who takes success and failure in equal measure...
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60 ml, to be precise!
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It was so windy that when I was walking to the gym, I got blown into a liquor shop!
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What do you say when you're gonna drunk dial someone?
Al-cohol you!
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A baby can drink a bottle, fall asleep and people say it's cute.
If I do it, I'm an alcoholic!
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A friend is someone who makes you feel like everything is going to be okay... and gets you drunk!
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At some point in life, we need to ask ourselves some fundamental questions like...
Who am I? Where am I going? And when I reach there, will the bar be open?
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People who call drinking a habit are insane, it's just a ritual which alcoholics follow religiously!
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Breakfast is not the most important meal of the day.
The most important meal is the one you have to eat to avoid getting too drunk too early!
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Sometimes part of me says, I can't keep drinking like this.
While another says, Don't listen to him, he's too drunk!
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You can't find happiness at the bottom of the beer.
Well, no kidding. Who is happy when their beer runs out?
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I can't afford a vacation.
So I'm just going to drink until I don't know where I am!
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Sometimes I turn to God,
Sometimes I turn to Vodka.
Either way, I'm being guided by A Spirit!
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Alcohol doesn't mend a broken heart, but then there is no harm trying!
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I'm in a good place right now.
Not emotionally... just that I'm at the liquor store!
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Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser.
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And Vodka makes you not remember any of that crap!
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Don't be sad, somewhere in a bar, there are happy hours!
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Stop trying to make everyone happy. You are not...
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Tequila!
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They say never drink before 8 PM.
It must be 8 PM somewhere in the world!
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Did you know that drinking 2 to 3 glasses of wine per day can reduce your risk of giving a shit!
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Most conflicts can be resolved over drinks!
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I work so I can afford the amount of alcohol required to continue going to work!
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You can't buy happiness, but you can buy scotch.
That's the kind of same thing!
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Whatever your troubles, the answer is never at the bottom of a bottle.
It's usually about halfway down the second!
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I have a Punjabi friend who doesn't drink. I think he is adopted!
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I really don't understand why people consider alcohol to be a problem...
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Chemically speaking, it's a solution.
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What I'm about to say is extremely important!
~ Drunkards
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Oh, they said run... I thought they said rum!
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Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer!
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Someone sent me a message about using Vodka for cleaning around the house.
It worked! The more vodka I drank the cleaner the house looked!
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I'm never drinking again = I'm never drinking again until this hangover is gone!
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If life gives you a lemon... always take it with a pinch of salt and a shot of Tequila!
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Exercise makes you look and feel better;
But so does 'Tequila'!
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Happiness comes in four sizes:
Glass
Pint
Pitcher
Barrel
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I don't make enough money to go on vacation so I'm just going to get drunk this weekend until I don't know where I am!
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I am not an alcoholic. I just have a lots of reasons to celebrate!
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Alcohol doesn't make you a different person. It just amplifies who you really are.
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When it comes to bonding 'Fevicol' loses by a big margin to...
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'Alcohol'!
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It's funny when people say you don't need alcohol to have fun.
You don't even need running shoes to run, but it helps!
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I know I should give up drinking...
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But I am not a quitter!
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Starbucks is planning on selling beer and wine, apparently it's getting difficult to sell sober people a $12 cup of coffee!
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Thought of the day:
An empty glass gives you an opportunity to have another 'Drink'!
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When people tell me - "You're going to regret that in the morning."
I sleep in till noon, because I'm a problem solver!
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It's strange how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible but 8 beers are so damn easy!
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The past, the present and the future walked into a bar.
It was tense!
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Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your clothes!
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The good thing about Scotland is that when someone says "Aaj Desi Piyunga", - they still mean Scotch!
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent:
It dissolves marriages, families and careers!
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People who drink to escape their problems are...
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'Booze-dils'!
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Alcoholism:
The problem that helps you forget all your other problems!
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Reality is an illusion caused by alcohol deficiency!
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I distrust camels, anyone else who can go a week without a drink!
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In a bar, they had a new drink on the menu ' RUM Fillip'
Customer: What's this drink?
Bar Tender: It's a cocktail of Rum mixed with milk and sugar.
Customer: Why sugar?
Bar Tender: Sugar gives energy.
Customer: What about milk?
Bar Tender: Milk will give you strength.
Customer: Why Rum?
Bar Tender: Rum will give you ideas about what to do with strength and energy.
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If you can't find your 'Better Half',
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Just remember, Liquor is available in 'Quarters' also!
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The only problem I have with alcohol is not having enough money to keep on buying it.
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There's a reason why "sober" and "so bored" sound almost exactly the same!
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There are two types of people in this world:
People you want to drink with and people who make you want to drink.
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Dear Liver,
This month will be rough, stay strong!
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Sometimes liquor is the only thing that can lubricate the grindstone we call life!
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Alcohol doesn't mend a broken heart.
But that doesn't mean I won't try it again tonight!
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I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge!
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A great man said,
"I still use Pythagorus theorem of 30, 60, 90 to solve most difficult problems of life.
Only difference is, 'degrees' have been replaced by 'ml' 30ml, 60ml, 90ml!
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Vodka + Water = Injures Kidney
Rum + Water = Injures Liver
Whiskey + Water = Injures Heart
Gin + Water = Injures Brain
I think there is something wrong in water!
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Alcohol is not the answer.
Alcohol is the question, yes is the answer.
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I hate when people say you don't need alcohol to have fun...
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You don't need running shoes to run but it helps!
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Board outside a pub:
We have 'Beer' as cold as your 'EX's' heart!
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'Red Bull' gives you wing
'Vodka' gives you 4X4
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After using WhatsApp, Facebook, BBM, Hike, Line, WeChat, Twitter etc...
I've realized 'Daaru' is still the best way to connect with friends!
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I only drink a little but when I do,
I turn into another person, 'And that person drinks a lot'.
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I lost a good friend and drinking buddy this past weekend in a tragic accident.
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He got his finger caught in a 'Wedding Ring'!
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Tequila
Helping people wake up in stranger's beds since 1521.
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Full Form of Drinks:
D - Delicious after 1 peg
R - Romantic after 2 pegs
I - Interesting after 3 pegs
N - Naughty after 4 pegs
K - King after 5 pegs
S - Siyaapa after 6 pegs
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People who drink to escape from their problems are...
'BoozeDils'!
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All I want is a whiskey twice my age served by a woman half my age!
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After implementing OROP (One Rank One Pension), the govt. must implement OBOR (One Bottle, One Rate).
Why special price to armed forces and higher rate for others?
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Beer doesn't have many vitamins.
That's why one needs to drink lots of it!
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I don't get why people find drunk texts annoying -
You must realise you're the person, they're thinking of;
when their brain can't even function properly!
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I just rescued some wine it was trapped in a bottle!
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To me "Drink Responsibly" means - don't spill it!
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There are two types of people in this world:
People you want to drink with;
And people who make you want to drink!
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I am still using Pythagoras theorem of 30-60-90 to solve most difficult problems of life.
Only difference is - 'Degrees' have been replaced by 'mls'.
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Alcohol - the cause of, and solution to all life's problems!
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No one respects age, unless it's bottled!
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Man and malt are simply great, when they are single!
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Pain makes you stronger;
Tears make you braver;
Headaches makes you wiser;
And Vodka makes you not remember any of that crap!
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Last night, I was so drunk I replied to my own text:
Did you get home safe?
Yes I'm home now!
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Men & Malts are great when they are single!
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Wine improves with age... I improve with Wine!
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I was pretty drunk last night. No wonder, my alarm didn't go off this morning!
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When alcohol goes inside, whatever is in the mind comes outside.
So, it's highly suggested to all the students to drink before writing exams!
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I have huge respect for monks. Specially the old ones!
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Part of me says, I can't keep drinking like this. While another says - Don't listen to him, he's drunk!
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No wonder AkBAR and BEERbal were such pals!
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Tips for women who love to cook:
While seasoning... if you put few drops of whiskey the oil doesn't burn
While kneading dough put a few drops of beer and the chapatis will be golden brown
If you add a few drops of vodka in Daal it will not spoil in summer time
While making Kadhi if you add a few drops of brandy the buttermilk will not be sour and Kadhi will taste sweet
Putting red wine in Rasam will enhance the taste

If you can't manage the above pour 2 pegs in your husband's stomach... then it doesn't matter how the food tastes!
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Even if Vodka is not the answer, it's worth a shot!
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Drunk - Proved when he feels sophisticated and can't pronounce it!
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If you can't find your "Better Half",
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Just remember, Liquor is available in Quarters also!
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Just because you can't dance doesn't mean that you shouldn't dance.
~ Alcohol
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I only drink a little but when I do, I turn into another person. And that person drinks a lot!
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Alcohol was always a part of our culture; and was considered as a basic necessity.
That's why:
Ghar - Bar
Khana - Peena
Dawaa - Daru
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#Beefban
By similar logic, should Beefeater Gin also be banned!
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I will stop drinking when Johnnie Walker stops walking!
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Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose a shoe at midnight, you're drunk!
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I hate friends who can't handle alcohol. The other night, they dropped me thrice while carrying me back home!
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I distrust camels, anyone else who can go a week without a drink!
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Why is it always "I see you drink all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator!"
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Some people have relationships and some people have vodka!
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers!
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Bhai Log - I have serious concerns:
When good happens, I drink to celebrate!
When bad happens, I drink to forget!
When nothing happens, I drink so that something does happen.
I can't go on like this! People have started calling me Alcoholic! This is a very serious problem and needs our urgent attention.
Let's meet over drinks tomorrow and talk about it!
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Tonight's forecast: 99% chance of alcohol!
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Life and beer are very similar.
For best results - CHILL!
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Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is - "What is C2H5OH?"
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I use to drink... but
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that was hours ago!
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Being every successful hangover, there is promise of never drinking again!
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You can't buy happiness... but you can buy wine and that's kind of same thing!
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Sometimes, all you need is a good cup of coffee (or a good drink) and 5 million dollars!
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The secret of enjoying a good wine:
1. Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.
2. If it does not look like it's breathing give it mouth to mouth!
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Wine a little - it'll sure make you feel better!
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Sabhi Samsayaon Ka Ek Hi Hal Hai -
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Alcohol!
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If one glass of wine is good for you - just imagine... what a whole bottle could do!
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Wine improves with age. The older I get. the better I like it!
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A meal without wine is called breakfast!
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An average human walks 1500 Kms in a year and drinks 83 litres of beer.
Bascially, we're getting 18 Km/litre of beer - which is not bad!
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Whenever someone asks you for a relationship advice, just point them in the direction of the nearest liquor store!
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Think Positively:
An empty glass gives you an opportunity to have another 'Drink'!
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If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget;
If something good happens you drink in order to celebrate;
And if nothing happens you drink to make something happen!
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Doctor said to drink alcohol only one day a week, but did not say which. So let's drink every day not to miss that day!
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Rather be someone's shot of whisky than everyone's cup of tea!
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Alcoholic: A person who drinks more than you!
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An excellent way to reduce Alcohol consumption:
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD!
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY!
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Alcohol solves all our life's problems only when we're drunk!
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BKS Iyenger, a world renowned Yoga exponent died yesterday at the age of 94.
Khushwant Singh, a great lover of Scotch who enjoyed his drinks daily, died a couple of months back at the age of 99.
Bottom line is that Whisky gives you that edge of 5 years!
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If
Gin
Rum
Vodka
Tequila and
Whiskey
are called Spirits; then all my friends are Spiritual!
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Ironically, the fight between the mind and the heart always ends up hurting the liver!
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After installing WhatsApp, FB, WeChat, Snapchat, Line, Hike, Viber etc., I have finally realised that the best way to connect with friends is...
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Whisky only!
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Women: Divided by ego, united by gossips!
Men: Divided by women, united by Liquor!
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D - Delighted after 1 peg
R - Romantic after 2 pegs
I - Interesting after 3 pegs
N - Naughty after 4 pegs
K - King after 5 pegs
S - Satyanash after 6 pegs
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Alcohol - A liquid good for preserving almost everything except secrets!
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Alcohol - A liquid good for preserving almost everything except secrets!
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If beer is proof that God loves us, then hangovers are a proof that He has a sadistic sense of humour!
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Drinking Drinking little beer;
How I wonder which bar is near;
Scotch rates are up so high;
Let's have IMFL with peanuts fry!
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Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life!
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I drink wine because I don't like to keep things bottled up!
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Ironically, the fight between the mind and the heart always ends up hurting the liver!
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Two beer or not two beer that is the question! ~ William Shakesbeer
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You know you're drunk when you get out of bed and miss the floor!
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Dear Modi Ji,
Please don't follow the Gujarat model and declare the whole country 'Dry'.
The boozers of India can't afford to travel frequently to foreign countries for drinking!
Spiritually Yours!
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Thought for the Day:
Good friends are bad for our liver!
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If you did not drink, how would your friends ever know at 2 AM... that you love them?
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Don't drink and dance. Always have a designated dancer!
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Urgent Message:
Please pass this to all your friends. A person is very SERIOUS and needs 3 BOTTLES of
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BEER (chilled) with fried fish and chips!
It's really hot!
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Women: Divided by ego, united by gossips!
Men: Divided by women, united by Liquor!
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I drank so much vodka last night, I woke up with a Russian accent!
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Zindgi To Bar-Bar Miligi.
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Kabhi Iss Bar Mein, To Kabhi Uss Bar Mein!
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Teacher who says keep your "head down" is better than friends who say "bottoms up"!
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People who drink to escape their problems are...
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'Booze-dils'!
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Trust me you can dance.
~ Vodka
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You know you're drunk... when you sit down on the toilet sear and try to put on your seatbelt!
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One Good way to Reduce Alcohol consumption:
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are Sad,
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are Happy.
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You know you're drunk... when you sit down on the toilet and try to put your seat belt on!
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3 simple steps to Happiness:

1. Make a peg.
2. Say cheers and finish it.
3. Repeat steps 1 and 2 until you feel happy!
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What device tells you that you've drunk too much? A karaoke machine!
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O' Lord,
Give me Coffee to change the things that I can... in the morning;
And Whiskey to accept the things that I can't... in the evening!
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I always take life with a grain of salt;
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plus a slice of lemon; and a shot of Tequila!
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Coffee has to end a lot of things that alcohol starts!
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Pack my box with five dozen liquor jugs.
This sentence has all 26 alphabets of English. Be proud to be a drinker!
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Money can't buy happiness. Just kidding yes it can, if that money is used to buy beer!
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Dear Colgate,
First you added salt and now lemon. Let me know once you add Tequila so that I can finally start buying it.
Sincerely!
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Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it!
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People always say that alcohol kills... but if you think about it... it causes many births too!
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It's a lot easier to start the day when you know it will end with BEER!
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Food security bill passed. Now we have to earn only for liquor!
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Alcohol is like the liquid version of Photoshop!
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Warning:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not!
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Don't ever talk to your EX, while drunk; because Booze has information in it!
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Women: Divided by ego, United by gossip!
Men: Divided by women, United by Liquor!
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Girls express their feelings with lot of tears;
And Boys express their feelings with bottles of beers!
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Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 69%!
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Whisky mixes really well with almost everything, except decisions!
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Behind every terrible Hangover, there is a promise of never drinking again!
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Ever heard about the device that converts thoughts into speeches?
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It's called Alcohol!
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Just because you can't dance, that doesn't mean you shouldn't dance.
~ Alcohol
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I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they are going to feel all day!
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Only two kind of people enjoy their life:
Punjabi and Sharabi
Proud to be both!
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Relationship between Cafes and Bars:
Most of the love stories start at Cafes and end at Bars!
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Beauty of Vodka: It looks like water!
Beauty of School: Water bottles are allowed!
Irony of Life: We didn't realize this in our school days!
Anyways, enjoy it now. It's never too late!
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Recession:
When Wine and Women get replaced by Water and Wife!
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It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more wine!
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Do not let a bottle of wine serve as an inspiration to call your ex in a pathetic attempt to get back together.
Some very fine grapes have died in the making of this wine.
Show some respect!
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I tried to drown my sorrows in liquor but the bastards learnt how to swim!
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The secret of enjoying a good wine:
1. Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.
2. If it does not look like it's breathing give it mouth-to-mouth.
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Why do people find drunk texts annoying. You're the person they're thinking of when their brain can't even function properly!
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Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink more like their fathers.
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Alcohol is a liquid that blends truth with fantasy.
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Always get drunk before taking your driver's licence picture. That way whenever you get pulled over, the cop will think you always look like that.