Hindi Jokes

Jija Aur Saali...
Jija Aur Saali Sunsaan Jungle Se Ja Rahe The.

Sali: Jija ji Kahin Aap Is Mauke Ka Phayda Utha Ke Mere Saath Zabardasti Toh Nahin Karoge Na?

Jija: Dikhta Nahi Ki Mere Ek Haath Mein Bakri Aur Danda Hai, Aur Doosre Haath Mein Murga, Rassi Aur balti Hai. Main Kaise Kuch Kar Sakta Hoon.

Sali: Kyon Nahi Kar Sakte, Agar Aap Danda Gaad Ke Rassi Say Bakri Ko Baandh Do Aur Balti Ko Ulta Karke Murge Ke Upar Rakh Do Toh Aap Sab Kuch Kar Sakte Ho, Mujhe Toh Sach Mein Aapse Bahut Darr Lag Raha Hhai.........
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Husband & Wife Humour
Patni: Chalo Ek Khel Khelte Hain... Main Chhupti Hoon Aur Aap Mujhe Dhoondhna. Agar Aapne Dhoondh Liya Toh Main Aapke Saath Shopping Karne Chalungi.
Pati: Aur Agar Nahin Dhoondh Paya Toh ?
Patni: Aaisa Mat Kaho Jaanu...... Bas Darwaje Ke Peechhe Hee Chhupoongi ...!!!

Ek Aurat Apne Boyfriend Ke Saath Bazaar Mein Ghoom Rahi Thee Ki Tabhi Uska Pati Mila Gaya.
Pati Ne Boyfriend Ko Peetna Shuru kar Diya.
Aurat: Maaro Saaley Ko... Apni Biwi Ko Kabhi Ghumaane Le Jaata Nahi Aur Doosron Ki Biwion Ko Le Jaata Hai.
Tabhi Boyfriend Ko Josh Aa Gaya Aur Woh Pati Ko Peetne Shuru Kar Deta Hai.
Aurat: Maar Saale Ko !!! Khud Toh Kabhi Ghumaane Le Jaata Nahi Aur Doosron Ko Bhi Nahin Ghumaane Deta!!!

Husband: Tumhare Shaadi Se Pehle Kitne Boyfriend The??
Wife silent...
Husband Chilla Ke: Mein Iss Khamoshi Ka Kya Matlab Samjhun?
Wife: Haaye Rabba... Gin Toh Rahi Hun.... Chilla Kyun Rahe Ho...

Pati: Saab, Meri Patni Gum Ho Gayi Hai!!!
Postmaster: Oye, Andhaa Hai Kya ??? Ye Post Office Hai, Police Station Jaa Na.
Pati: Maaf Karna Bhai, Kyaa Karoon, Khushi Ke Maare Kuchh Samajh Nahi Aa Rahaa Ki Kidhar Jaauun ???`
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Sidhi Baat No Bakwaas
3 Idiots Part 2

Rancho: Smiling

Teacher: Aap Muskura Kyon Rahe Ho?

Rancho: Bahut Dino Se Facebook Mein Account Banane Ki Ichha Thi...Aaj Bana Diya Hai...Bahut Maza Aa Raha Hai!

Teacher: Zyada Maza Lene Ki Zarurat Nahi Hai. Tell Me, What is a Post?

Rancho: Anything that is posted on Facebook is a Post, Sir.

Teacher: Can you please elaborate?

Rancho: Sir...Jo Bhi Facebook Pe Log Daalte Hain Post Hai Sir. Ghumne Gaye...Photo Daal Diya! Post Hai Sir.
Match Dekha, Score Daal Diya! Post hai Sir.
Sir Actually Hum Posts Se Ghire Hue Hain Sir!
Katrina Ki Pic Se Ronaldo Ki Kick Tak! Sab Post Hai Sir!
Ek Second Mein Comment, Ek Second Mein Like!
Comment-Like...
Comment-Like...

Teacher: Shut up! Account Banake Ye Karoge?
Comment-Like...Comment-Like...?

Haan Chatur, Tum Batao.

Chatur: Pictures, texts or videos posted through mobile or tablet or laptop or desktop via different operating systems using internet on Facebook is called a Post.

Teacher: Excellent!

Rancho: Par Sir Maine Bhi To Wahi Bola Seedhe Shabdo Mein.

Teacher: Seedhe Shabdo Mein Karna Hai To Orkut Ya Twitter Ke Pages Pe Account Banao.

Rancho: Par Sir Dusre Sites Bhi To.

Teacher: Get out!

Rancho: Why sir?

Teacher: Seedhe Shabdo Mein Bahar Jaiye.

Rancho goes out and comes back.

Teacher: Kya Hua?

Rancho: Kuch Bhool Geya Tha Sir.

Teacher: Kya?

Rancho: A utility button given to us, to protect our private data i.e. pictures, messages or personal information for being stolen or used for bad purpose by hackers or anyone else.

Teacher: Arre, Kehna Kya Chahte Ho?

Rancho: Logout Sir! Logout Karna Bhool Geya Tha.

Teacher: To Seedha Seedha Nahi Bol Sakte The?

Rancho: Thodi Der Pehle Try Kiya Tha Sir, Aapko Pasand Nahi Aaya!
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Preparing for Guests
Wife: Mehmaan Aa Rahe Hain Aur Ghar Main Daal Ke Siva Kuchh Bhi Nahi.

Husband: Jab Woh Aaye Toh Kitchen Mein Ek Bartan Gira Dena, Aur Jab Main Puchchu Toh Kehna Ki KORMA Gir Gaya...
Phir Dusra Bartan Girana, Aur Kehna Biryani Gir Gayi... Phir Main Kahunga Chalo Daal Hi Le Aao...

Mehmano Ke Aane Ke Baad Bartan Girne Ki Awaaz Aayi.....

Husband: Kya Hua...???

Wife: Bhangra Paa Le Kanjraaa... Daal Hi Gir Gayi...
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Husband-Wife Funnies
Hubby Ke Birthday Par Wife Ne Pucha: Kya Gift Chahiye Tumhe???
Hubby: Tum Mujhe Pyar Karo, Izzat Karo Aur Mera Kehna Maano... Bas Yahi kaafi hai.
Wife, Kuch Der Soch Ke: Nahin, Main Toh Gift Hi Dungi.

Ek Marwadi Ne Shadi Mein Damad Ko CHESS Board Gift Diya.
Damad: Yeh Kya ?
Marwadi: Badi Tamanna Thi ki Beti Ko Shadi Mein HATHI, GHODE, UNTH, NAUKAR-CHAKAR Dun, Aaj Meri Iccha Puri Ho Gayi !!!

Why do most indian women request 4 the same husband in the next life???
Arre... Itni Mehnat Se Trained Kiya Hai... Waste Thodi Jaane Denge!

Wife: Aap Bangkok Jaate Ho Toh Mujhe Kyon Nahin LE Jaate???
Husband: Arrey Pagli, Jab Restaurant Mein Jaate Hain Toh Tiffin Thode Na Le Ke Jaate Hain!!!!

Pati: Tum Hamesha Mera - Mera Karti Ho, Mera Beta, Mera Ghar, Meri Car. Tumhe 'Hamara' Kehna Chahiye.
Ab Almari Mein Kya Dhoond Rahi Ho...???

Wife: Hamara Petticoat...!!!
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Drunken Driving
Santa Aur Banta Daaru Pee Ke ghar Jaa Rahe The.

Tabhi Santa Chillya: Oye Banta, Deewar... Abe Saamne Dekh Deewar Hai.... MArwayega Kya, Oye! Kar Kya Raha Hai Yaar???? Dekh Aagey Deewar Hai...

Dhadaaaaam! and They Hit The Wall.

The Next day in the hospital Santa asked Banta: Harami, Thukwa Diya Na. Kab Se Keh Raha Tha Deewar Hai, Deewar Hai, Deewar Hai... Saale Sun Hi Nahi Raha Tha. Tujhe Ek Baar Bhi Khayaal Nahin Aaya Ki Gharwale Intezaar Kar Rahe Honge? Gharwalon Aur Bbachchon Per Kya Beetegi? Aur Agar Hum Mar Jaate Toh Gharwalon Ka Kya Hota???? Bol Ab Daarubaaz... Bolta Kyun Nahi Hai Kutte, Sharaabi ???

Banta Karahte Hue: Oye Santa... Gaadi Mein Nahin Tu Chala Raha Tha... Sharaabi, Bevde...!!!
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Suicide... Suicide...
Ek Wife Ne Subah Uthte Hi Apne Pati Ko Pankhe Se Rassi Baandhte Dekha, Toh Ghabrakar Pucha: Arey, Yeh Aap Kya Kar Rahe Ho???

Husband Ne Dukhi Swar Mein Kaha: Mein Teri Roz Roz ki Naye Kapde Dilaane Ki Pharmaish Se Tang Aa Gaya Hun, Isliye Suicide Kar Raha Hun.

Ye Sunte Hi Wife Ne Zor Zor Se Rona Start Kar Diya, Aur Boli: Jaatey Jaatey Ek White Suit Toh Dilwa Do, Varna Terahvin Pe Kya Pehanungi????
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Sunnny Leone in a Sabzi Market
Sunny Leone: Mujhe Koi aisi Sabzi Do Jiske 7 Phaayde Hon !

Sabziwaala: Ye Lo Madam Gajar !!!

1..: Pasand Aaye Toh Aloo Matar Ke Saath Paka Lena... Warna...

2. Juice Bana Ke Pe Sakti Ho... Nahi Toh...

3. Salad Bana Sakti Ho... Ye Bhi Na Theek Lage Toh...

4. Gaajar Ka Halwa Bana Lena... Nahi Toh...

5. Chinese Noodles Mein Daal Lena... Aisa Bhi Nahi Toh Phir...

6. Murabba Bana Sakte Ho... Aur Agar Ye Bhi Na Pasand Aaye Toh...

7. Achaar Bana Lena !!!

Bhai !!! Jo Tu Dhoond Raha Hai Woh Yahan Nahin Milga...
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Banta in a Job Hunt
Banta Ek Job Ke Liye Interview Dene Gaya. Vaise Naukri Already Boss Ke Saale Ko Mil Chuki Thee Par Formality Ke Liye Interview Jaroori Tha Isliye Aise Sawaal Pucche Ja Rahe The Jinka Kol Matlab Nahin Tha. Apne Banta Ko Bulaya Gaya Interview Ke Liye.

Interviewer: Aap Nadi Ke Beech Mein Ek Boat Par Ho Aur Apke Paas 2 Cigarettes Ke Alawa Kuch Bhi Nahin Hai. Apko Ek Cigarette Jalana Hai, Kaise Jalaoge ???

Banta: Sir Iske 3-4 Solutions Ho Sakte Hain.

Interviewer Shocked Lekin Kahaan: Achcha!!! Theek Hai Batao!!!

Banta Ke Out Of The World Answers:
Take One Cigarette and Throw it in the Water. So the boat will become LIGHTER...... using this LIGHTER you can light the other Cigarette.

Interviewer: Kya Bakwas Hai.

Banta's Another solution:
You throw a cigarette up and catch it. Catches win Matches. Using the matches that you win, you can light the cigarette.

Interviewer: Stupid!!!!

Banta: Sir one more Solution: Take water in your hand and drop it drop by drop (TIP, TIP, TIP...)

Interviewer: Abey Bewakoof, Us Se Kya Hoga???

Banta: Sir Aapne Wo Gaana Nahin Suna 'TIP TIP Barsa Pani, Pani Ne Aag Lagayee', Us Aag Se Humne Cigarette Jalayee...

Banta: Sir If that was not enough, I have one more solution: Start praising one cigarette, the other will get jealous and 'Jalney Lagega'.

Interviewer Impressed... Saale Ko Maaro Goli, Naukri Banta Ko Hee De Dete Hain.
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Pati, Patni Aur Patient...
Patient: Doctor Sahab, Jaldi Kuch Karo, Mere Pairon Par Ek Aurat Ne Gaadi Chadha Di.

Doctor Ne Usko Achche Se Check Kiya, Aur Paaya Ki Bahut Hi Mamuli Si Chot Hai, Par Mareez Ghabraya Hua Hai!

Doctor Bola: Oh! Bhai Operation Karna Padega, Bahut Kharcha Aayega... Taiyaar Ho?

Mareez: Kuchh Bhi Karo, Jaldi Karo. Kameeni Ne Mara Hua Soch Kar Uthaya Bhi Nahin!!

Itne Mein Doctor Ki Biwi Ka Phone Aa Gaya.

Doctor: Hellooo...

Biwi: Hello Ko Maro Goli! Main Ek Musibat Mein Phas Gayi Hun, Jaldi Se Koi Raasta Batao.

Doctor: Kaisi Musibat???

Biwi: Maine Car Chalate Hue Ek Aadmi Ko Takkar Maar Di Aur Vo Shayad Mar Gaya Hai.

Doctor: Aadmi Ne Kapde Kaise Pehen Rakhe The?

Biwi: Hari T-shirt Aur Black Pant.

Doctor: Oh! To Us Ko Tumne Maara Hai? Police Khooni Ko Talaash Karti Hui Ghoom Rahi Hai.

Biwi: Toh Ab Mein Kya Karun?

Doctor: Karna Kya Hai... 4-6 Mahine Ke Liye Maikey Chali Jao, Jaldi.

Patni: Theek Hai Jaa Rahi Hoon.

Mareez: Doctor Ji, Karo Na Kuch!

Doctor: Bhai Kuch Nahin Hua Hai Tujhe... Yeh Piase Pakad Aur 4-5 Beer Le Aaa Jaldi Se... Dono Piyenge... Aur Haan, Please Ye Hari T-shirt Nikaal Ke Jaa.
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Bas Kar Khan
Ek Pathan Ke 3 Bachche Hue, Usne Unke Naam Rakhe:
1) Hasrat Khan
2) Harkat Khan
3) Barkat Khan

2 Saal Baad Uske Yahan Phir 3 Bachche Hue, Usne Is Baar Unke Naam Rakhe:
1) Dariya Khan
2) Samandar Khan
3) Sailaab Khan

Next Time Phir Se 3 Bachche Hue Aur Is Baar Naam The:
1) Himmat Khan
2) Housla Khan
3) Bardasht Khan

Har Baar Ki Tarah Jab Is Baar Bhi Uske Yahan 3 Bachche Hue Toh Is Baar Naam Biwi Ne Rakhe:
1) Bas Kar Khan
2) Sharam Kar Khan
3) Reham Kar Khan.....
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Short but Hilarious
Boy: I Love You!
Girl: Agar Main Bhi Ttumse I Love You Kahun Toh??
Boy: Main Toh Khushi Se Marrr Jaaunga.
Girl: Jaa Pagle, Nahi Kehti... JEE Le Apni Zindagi...

Boy: Tum Ladki Ho Ke Sharaab Peeti Ho???
Awesome reply by girl: Toh Kya 2-4 Peg Ke Liye Gender Change Karwaun ???

Operation Ke Baad Patient Bola: Doctor Sahab! Kya Ab Main ROG MUKT Hun?
Samne Se Jawab Mila: Beta! Doctor Sahab Toh Dharti Par Rah Gaye, Main Toh CHITR GUPT Hun!!!

Police: Aapke Ghar Kee Talaashi Leni Hai !
Santa: Kyon ?
Police: Khabar Mili hai Ki Aapne Ek Khatarnaak Aatankwadi Ko apne Ghar Mein Rakhaa Hua Hai !
Santa: Khabar Toh Ekdum Pakki Hai Inspector Saab... Par Aajkal woh Maayke Gayi Hui Hai !!!
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Stop Barking!
Pati Patni Ki Ladayi Ho Rahi Thi.

Pati Ne Patni Se Puchha: Kya Tumne Mujhe Kutta Kaha???

Biwi Ne Koi Jawab Nahi Diya.

Pati Ne Fir Se Puchha: Kya Tumne Mujhe Kutta Kaha???

Biwi Fir Chupp Rahi.

Pati Ne Ek Baar Aur Puchha: Main Tumse Kuch Puch Raha Hun. Kya Tumne Mujhe Kutta Kaha???

Biwi: Nahi Kaha Aur Please Ab Bhaunkna Band Karo.
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Marriage Jokes
Once A man asked God: Why all the girls are so cute & sweet, and all wifes are always angry?
God Answered: Girls are made by me... and you make them Wife...!!! Your Problem.. !!!

Hubby came home drunk. To avoid wife's scolding, he took a laptop & started working.
Wife: Peeke aye ho kya?
Hubby: Nahi meri maa...
Wife: Phir suitcase khol ke kya type kar rahe ho???

There are two types of suicide (Fast & Slow):
Fast: Gale me rassi dalo and latak jao.
Slow: Gale me warmala dalo aur zindagi bhar latke raho.

Wife: Agar meri shaadi kisi 'Raakshas' se bhi ho jaati to mai itni Pareshaan nahi hoti jitni tumare saath hun.
Awesome reply: Husband: Arrey pagli, Blood Relation me shaadiyan kahan hoti hai... !!!
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Sharaabi Ki Dawat
Ek Sharaabi Ne Doston Ki Dawat Ka Program Banaya, Aur Apne Hi Ghar Se Raat Ko Bakra Chori Kiya, Aur Khoob Dawat Ki.

Subha Jab Ghar Pahuncha Toh Bakra Ghar Mein Hi Tha.

Sharaabi Apni Biwi Se Puchta Hai: Oye, Ye Bakra Kahan Se Aya?

Biwi, Gusse MEin: Bakre Ko Maro Goli, Ye Batao Raat Ko Tum Choron Ki Tarha, KUTTE Ko Kaha Aur Kyun Le Kar Gaye the..?
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The Frozen Fart
3 Bachchey Apne Apne Shehar Ki Sardi Pe Bahas Kar Rahe The.

1st: Humare Yahan Itni Sardi Parti Hai Ki Jab Hum Subah Nalka Kholte Hain Toh Pani Ki Jagah Baraf Nikalti Hai.

2nd: Bus Itni Hi ??? Humare Yahan Toh Itni Sardi Parti Hai Ki Hum Jo Bhi Baat Kartey Hain Wo Jam Jaati Hai Phir Hum Use Aag Par Pighla Ke Sunte Hain.

3rd: Bas Itni Si??? Kal Hamare Ghar Mehman Aaye, Un Ke Jaane Ke Baad Humein Sofe Pe Ek Baraf Ka Gola Para Hua Mila. Jub Hum Ne Usko Aag Pe Pighlaya Toh Awaaz Aayi... Poooooooon.....
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Ladies Through the Years
Ladies of 1970s:
Husb: Ek cup Coffee!
Wife: Abhi laee ji.

Ladies of 1980s:
Husb: Ek cup Coffee!
Wife: Abhi laee.

Ladies of 1990s:
Husb: Ek cup Coffee!
Wife: Laa rahi hu.

Ladies of 2000:
Husb: Ek cup Coffee!
Wife: Banake pee le.

Ladies of 2014:
Husb: Ek Cup Coffee!
Wife: Kya kaha?
Husb: Maine kaha, ek cup coffee bana du kya?
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Sabse bada kaun?
Ek Sharabi full tight hokar ghar jaa raha tha. Raaste me mandir ke baahar pujari dikha. Sharabi ne pujari se poocha, "Sabse bada kaun?"

Pujaari ne peecha chudane ke liye kaha, "Mandir Bada."

Sharabi bola, "Mandir bada toh dharti pe kaise khada?" Pujari: "Dharti badi."

Sharabi, "Dharti badi toh Sheshnaag pe kyun khadi?"

Pujari: "Sheshnaag bada."

Sharabi: "Sheshnaag bada toh Shiv ke gale me kyon pada?" Pujari: "Shiv bada."

Sharabi: "Shiv bada toh Parbat par kyon khada?"

Pujari: "Parbat bada."

Sharabi: "Parbat bada toh Hanuman ki ungli pe kyon pada?"

Pujari: "Hanuman bada." Sharabi: "Hanuman bada toh Ram ki charno me kyon pada?"

Pujari: "Ram bada."

Sharabi: "Ram bada toh Ravan ke piche kyun pada?"

Pujari: "Arey mere baap tu bata kaun bada?"

Sharabi, "Is duniya me woh bada jo puri bottle pee ke apni taango pe khada!!!"
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Marriage Humor
A very effective Dhamki by wife in new style:
Tum Jitna Time Facebook, Whatsapp, Twitter Ko Doge... Mein Utna Time Flipkart, Amazon, Snapdeal, Jabong, ebay ko dungi !!!

Santa: Yaar! Main Jo Bhi Kaam Shuru Karta Hoon, Meri Biwi Beech Mein Aa Jaati Hai.
Banta: Tu Truck Chala Kar Dekh, Shayad Kismat Saath De De.

A Philosopher HUSBAND said: Every WIFE is a 'Mistress' of her Husband...
'Miss' for first year & 'Stress' for rest of the life.

A very intelligent girl was asked the meaning of marriage.
She said: Sacrificing the admiration of hundred guys, to face the criticism of one idiot.

Listening to your Wife is like reading terms & conditions of a website. You understand nothing but still click on "I AGREE"

The sweetest msg:
Husband to wife: You should learn to embrace your mistakes... She hugged him tightly...
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New on Whatsapp
Mrs. Khanna of my society messaged me: Hi... I am new on whatsapp... Any idea what does IDK, LY, TTYL mean...?

I replied: I don't know, Love You, Talk To You Later !

She replied: No problem. I'll ask my son... Love you too... Bye and Take Care

And my wife read it and......

Saala, bhalaai ka to zamana hi nahi raha.
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Knee Pain Remedy for Women!!!
Banta: Bhai Santa ! Tumhari Biwi Ka Ghutne Ka Dard Theek Hua Yaa Nahi ?

Santa: Haan Yaar Doctor Ko Dikhaate Hee Theek Ho Gaya !

Banta (Hairani se): Achchha ! Kaunsi Dawa Se ?

Santa: Dawa Vagaira Kuchh Nahi ! Bas Doctor Ne Bataya Ki Ye Budhaape Kee Nishaani Hai Aur Us Din Ke Baad Phir Usne Dard Kee Shikaayat Hee Nahi Ki !!!
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Husband & Wife Short Jokes
Husband: Darling!!! Tumhara Naam Haath Pe Likhu Ya Dil Pe??
Wife: Idhar Udhar Kyun Likhte Ho ? Agar Sachcha Pyar Karte Ho Toh Seedha Apne Property Ke Papers Pe Likho !!!
Moral: Biwi Ke Saamne Style Nahin Maarnr Ka.

Prabhu... Yeh Kya Moh-Maya Hai?
Apna Bachcha Roye, Toh Dil Mein Drd Hota Hai Aur Doosre Ka Roye, Toh Sir Mein!
Apni Biwi Roye, Toh Sir Mein Dard Hota Hai Aur Doosre Ki Roye, Toh Dil Mein....
Sab Prabhu Ki Maya Hai.

A Man Praying in Kumbh Mela:
Hey Prabhu, Nyaye Karo...
Hey Prabhu, Nyaye Karo...
Hamesha Bhai-Bhai Bichhadte Hain Is Kumbh Ke Mele Mein...
Kabhi Pati-Patni Pe Bhi Try Karo!!!!

Wife: Jaanu, Kaash Aap Message Hote, Main Aapko Save Karti Aur Jab Dil Chahta Ta Padh Leti.
Husband: Kanjoos Hee Rahiyo, Save Hee Karke Rakhiyo, Apni Kisi Saheli Ko Forward Na Kariyo!!!
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Wines and Spirits Offers
I found a Leaflet in newspaper this morning which read:

ARE YOU AN ALCOHOLIC? CALL NOW. WE CAN HELP!!!'

My wife insisted I make a call. I Called up.

It was a liquor shop offer:
'Buy 3 & Get 1 Free'

Mere toh khushi ke aansu nikal aaye.
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Khuskhi Ka Ilaaj
Sardiyo Mein Skin Khushk Ho Jaye To Pani Mein Haldi Aur Zara Sa Milk Powder Daal Kar Ubal Lein.

Thanda Ho Jaye To 1/2 Cup Dahi Daal Ke Mixture Ko Dhoop Mein 4 Ghante Rakhen.

Baad Mein 1 Chammach Zzaitoon Ka Tail, 1 Desi Anda Aur 1 Chutki Zaafran Daal Kar Phaint Lein.

Zaroorat Ho To Garam Pani Daalein.

Jab Wo Sahi Se Paste Ban Jaye To Use Dustbin Mein Phenk Dein.

Aur Munh Pe Cold Cream Laga Lein.

Jab Badiya Se Badiya Cold Cream Market Mein Maujud Hai To Bina Wajah Time Waste Karne Kee Kya Zaroorat Hai.

Gaur Se Padhne Ka Shukriya.

Aur Galiyan Na Dein Mujhe.

Aage Forward Kar Dein.

Dil Ko Sukoon Milega!
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Baba Ji Ka Thullu!
Gutthi - Cricket
Cricket - Match
Match - Team
Team - India
India - Australia
Australia - Bada Score
Bada Score - India
India - Aasan Jeet
Asaan Jeet - Khushi
Khushi - Sidhu Pajji
Sidhu Pajji - Thoko Taali
Australia Ne Samjha India ko Ullu
Australia Ne Samjha India ko Ullu
.
..
...
359 runs bana ke bhi kya mila - BABAJI KA THULLU!!!
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Kabir Vani vs. Software Engineer
Kabir:
Aisi Baani boliye, Man Ka Aapa Khoye,
Auron Ko Sheetal Kare, Aaphi Sheetal Hoye.

SE:
Aisa presentation dijiye, man ka aapa khoye,
Auron ko confuse kare, aaphi confuse hoye.

Kabir:
Guru Govind Doyu Khade, Kaake Laagu Paye,
Balihari Guru Aapke, Govind Diyo Bataye.

SE:
Client Aur Manager Doyu Khade, Kaake Laagu Paye,
Balihaari Client Aapke, Manager Diyo Bataye.

Rahim:
Rahiman Dhaaga Prem Ka, Mat Todo Chatkaye,
Tode Se Phirr Jude Na, Jude Gaanth Pad Jaaye.

SE:
SE Confidence Manager, Mat Todo Chatkaye,
Project To Barbaad Hoye Hi, Appraisal Mein Waat Lag Jjaye.

Kabir:
Dheere Dheere Re Mana, Dheere Sab Kuch Hoye,
Maali Seenche Sow Ghara, Ritu Aaye Phal Hoye.

SE:
Dheere dheere Re Project Leader, Dheere Project Execute Hoye,
Client Dikhaye Kitni Bhi Urgency, Release Deadline Ke Baad Hi Hoye.

Kabir:
Jab Tu Aaya Jagat Mein, Log Hanse Tu Roye,
Aise Karni Na Kari, Pache Hanse Sab Roye.

SE:
Jab Project Aaye Company Mein, Client Hase Hum Roye,
Aisi Karni Na Kari, Tu Hase Client Roye...

Kabir:
Dukh Mein Sumiran Sab Kare, Sukh Mein Kare Na Koye,
Jo Sukh Mein Sumiran Kare, Tau Dukh Kahe Ko Hoye.

SE:
Rush Hour Mein Kaam Sab Karein, Routine Mein Kare Na Koye,
Jo Routine Mein Sab Kaam Kare, To Rush Hour Kaahe Hoye.

Kabir:
Pothhi Padh Padh Jag Mooya, Pandit Bhaya Na Koye,
Dhai Aakhar Prem Ka, Padhe So Pandit Hoye.

SE:
Coding Kar Kar Jag Mooya, Programmer Bhaya Na Koye,
Do Shabd Copy-Paste Ke, Kare So Programmer Hoye.

Kabir:
Chalati Chakki Dekh Ke, Diya Kabira Roye,
Do Paatan Ke Beech mein, Saabut Bacha Na Koye.

SE:
Client Aur Manager Ko Dekhke, Engineers Saare Roye,
Deadline Meet Karne Ke Chakkar Mein, Saabut Bacha Na Koye.

Kabir:
Chinta Aisee Dakini, Kat Kaleja Khaye,
Vaid Bichara Kya Kare, Kahan Tak Dawa Lagaye.

SE:
Deadline Aisi Dakini, Man Ka Tension Badhaaye,
Kaam Itna Ho Sar Par, Time Pe Complete Kaise Ho Paaye.

Kabir:
Maala To Kar Mein Phire, Jeebh Phire Mukh Mahin,
Manua To Chahun Dish Phire, Yeh To Sumiran Nahin.

SE:
Engineer Gaye sab Cigarette Peene, Leader Phire Office Maahin,
Cubicle Se Jyaada Time Canteen Pe Rahe, Yeh To Dedication Naahin.
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Married Life
Pyaar + Kkhayal = Maa.

Pyaar + Dar = Papa.

Pyaar + Saath = Behan.

Pyaar + Ladai = Bhai.

Pyaar + Zindagi = Girlfriend.

Pyaar + Masti = Friends.
Pyaar+Khayal+Dar +Saath+Ladai+Zindagi+Masti =Wife.

Married life is so easy, It's just like a walk in the Park, but the problem is that the Park is 'Jurassic Park'... Lo karlo walk...!!
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Khuli Loot!
Pappu: Saala Ye Sab Teacher Logo Ki Mili Bhagat Hoti Hai, Ek Photo Ke 20 Rupaye lagte Hai Aur Hum Logo Se 50-50 Rupaye Liye Ja Rahe Hain. Matlab Ek Bachche Se 30 Rupay Bachayenge Aur Akele Apni Class Mein 60 Bachche Hai, Toh 60*30 Hote Hain 1800 Rupaye. Khuli Loot Macha Rakhi Hai In Logon Ne. Phir Hamare Paiso Se Ye Sab Staff Room Mein Baith Ke Maje Se Samose Khayenge Aur Hum Bachchon Ko Milega Babaji Ka Thullu... Chal bhai Tappu Ghar Chalte Hai, Kal Mummy Se 50 Rupaye Le Kar Aana.

Pappu to Mom: Mummy Kal School Mein Group Photo Shoot Hona Hai, Teacher Ne 100 Rupaye Mangaye Hai.

Mom: Ek Photo 100 Rupaye??? Khuli Loot Macha Rakhi Hai In Logo Ne. Phir Hamare Paiso Se Ye Sab Aish Karenge. Ruk Pappu Beta Mein Tere Papa Se Maangti Hun.

Mom to Dad: Aji Sunte Ho, Pappu Ke School Mein Group Photo Ke Liye 200 Rupauye Mangaye Hai!!!
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How to Test for Live Wire
Ek din husband apne ghar ki light theek kar raha tha.

Usne apni wife ko awaaz lagai: Sonu ki mummy.... sunti ho... idhar toh aana ek minute ki lye.

Wife: Kya hai?

Husband: Arrey idhar toh aao yaar, kaam hai.

Wife: Lo aa gayi, batao kya kaam hai?

Husband: Yeh 2 wires hain, inmein se kisi ek ko pakadna.

Wife: Kisliye?

Husband: Arrey pakdo na, just ek second ke liye.

Wife: Yeh lo, pakad liya... ab?

Husband: Kuch hua toh nahin?

Wife: Nahin toh... kyun?

Husband: Iska matlab current doosri waali taar mein hai.... Thanks yaar!!!!
----------
Wife Ki Nazar Se Duniya Dekho
Aao Wife Ki Nazar Se Duniya Ko Dekho...

World Ka Sabse Perfect Aadmi - Uske Papa.

World Ki Sabse Pyari Aurat - Uski Mummy ji.

World Ki Sabse Akalmand Aurat - Woh Khud.

World Ka Sabse Dukhi Pati - Uska Bhai.

World Ki Sabse Badi Chudail - Uski Bhabhi.

World Ka Sabse Handsome Ladka - Uska Beta.

World Ka Sabse Kaamiyaab Aadmi - Uski Behan Ka Pati.

World Ki Sabse Badi Gawar Aurat - Uski Saas.

Aur Dunia Ka Sabse Kharab, Nikkamma, Selfish, Jhootha, Kanjus, Unromantic, Bekaar Aadmi...



YE BHI LIKHNA PADEGA KYA???
----------
What a Tragedy!!!!
Aaj Jo Ek Aurat Ke Saath Hua Woh Kisi Dushman Ke Saath bhi Na Ho....

Subhay Uthi..... Breakfast Banaya, Lunch Banaya.....

Bachchon Ko Khilaya.....

Pati Ko Khilaya.....

Unhe Tayaar Kar Ke, Unka Tiffin Pack Kar Ke Unhe Bheja.....

Joothay Bartan Ikhata Karke Rakh Diye.....

Kapde Washing Machine Mein Daal Diye.....

Phir Shower Lene Chali Gayi.....

Bahar Nikalkar Nail Paint Lagai.....

Hair Dry Kiye.....

Red Suit Pehna,.....

Kajal Lagaya.....

Lipstick Lagai.....

Hair Style Kiya.....

Bus Duppata Lene Hi Waali Tthi..... Ki Uska Mobile Baja....

......Pucho Mat Ki Kya Hua.....

Use Laga jaise Kisi Ne Garam Lohe Ka Hathoda Us Ke Kaan Par Maar Diya Ho.....

Kya...

Kya....

Kya Bol rahi Hai Tu???

......
........
...........

Memsaab Mereko Bukhar Hai.... AAj Kaam Par Nahi Aaaugi....
----------
Gabbar's Management Lessons
Gabbar was more than just a ruthless Dacoit he was also a management and marketing genius. Just have a look at all that we can learn from his enterprising character:

1. Jo Darr Gaya Samjho Marr Gaya!!
This is the most timeless lesson from Gabbar Singh. Courage and enterprise are the most important factors for laying the successful foundation of a growth oriented organization or a happy life.

2. Kitne Aadmi The ?
As part of business strategy, Gabbar Singh made it a point to understand his competition and knowing that his team was defeated by only two people, he understood that even a small team could make a difference.

3. Arey O Sambha, Kitna Inaam Rakhi Hai Sarkaar Hum Pe?
Gabbar knew the importance of promoting one's own brand. He put it very nicely. When mothers put their kids to sleep saying, "So ja nahi toh Gabbar aa jayeg," you know that brand value is built by shamelessly promoting your business.

4. 6 Goli Aur Aadmi 3? Bahut Nainsaafi Hai?
Gabbar Singh had a sense of sarcasm and sadism. He created an illusion where his people had a chance of survival. He kills them in the next scene. Moral: - Perform or perish.

5. Le, Ab Goli Kha...
Sometimes in the interest of the organization the management has to take some hard decisions. He always put the interest of his establishment before himself. So sometimes he had to 'fire' some employees.

6. Bahut Yaraana Lagta Hai!
Gabbar was good at recognizing emotions and knew how to milk them for his own good. Through close observation, he found that Basanti and Veeru were madly in love with each other.
So, he motivated her to shake a leg by threatening her 'जब तक तेरे पैर चलेंगे, इसकी साँसे चलेंगी '. He had a good sense of timing while applying the 'carrot and stick approach'.
He was also a lover of music and dance. 'Mehbooba Mehbooba' was his favorite bonfire song.

7. Bahut Pachtaoge Tahkur!
Gabbar never took superficial decisions. Thakur put him behind bars. He made a promise to himself and returned from prison to obliterate Thakur's family and chop off those very limbs that put him behind prison walls.
It shows his resoluteness. Very important factor for success.

8. Tera Kya Hoga Kaliya?
This statement shows how much employee feedback is valued during management decisions taken at the Board of directors meetings.

9. Tu Kya Ladega Mujhse Thakur?
Final lesson: Never underestimate your competition. Gabbar had robbed Thakur of his arms but not of his willpower and intelligence. Thakur finally brings Gabbar to his knees and ends his reign.
----------


Saas-Bahu Ka Kissa
Ek Saas Apni Bahu Se Bahut Pareshaan Thi Kyunki Vo Koi Kaam Nahin Karti Thi.

Ek Din Tang Aakar Saas Apne Bete Se Kahti Hai Ki Kal Subah Mein Ghar Mein Jhaadu Lagungi Aur Tum Mujhe Rokna Aur Kehne Ki Lao Maa Main Kar Deta Hoon. Is Tarah Bahu Ko Kuch Toh Sharam Aayegi!!!

Subah Jaise Hi Saas Jhaadu Lagane Lagti Hai Toh Uska Beta Aa Jaata Hai Aur Kehta Hai: Lao Maa, Main Kar Deta Hoon.

Maa: Rehney Do Beta, Main Laga Lungi.

Beta: Rehne Bhi Do Na Maa, Aapse Ab Kaam Nahin Ho Paata Hai, Lao Mein Laga Dunga.

Yah Sab Sunkar Bahu Aa Jaati Hai Aur Kehti Hai: Arey Ismein Ladne Ki Kya Zaroorat hai, Ek Din Maa Lagayegi, Ek Din Tum Laga Lena... Baari Baari Se Kar Lo...
----------
Dharam Patni
Dharam Pita... not real father.

Dharam Maa... not real mother.

Dharam Putra... not real son.

Dharam Bhai...... not real brother.

Dharam Behan... not real sister.

But how this zabardast mistake happened? Dharam PATNI... means REAL WIFE.

Pata Karo Shashtro Main Kahan Galti Huyi... !!
----------
Funny Translation
Santa English me fail ho gaya translation ki wajah se...;

1. Mein ek aam admi hun...
I am a mango man.

2. Mujhe English aati hai.
English comes to me.

3. Mera talluq haripur hazara se hai.
I belong to green pur thousanda.

4. Sdak par goliya chal rahi hai.
Tablets are walking on the road....!
----------
What's Baba ji Ka Thullu?
Girlfriend: Babaji Ka Thullu is trending. What does it means?

Boyfriend: It's 'Nothing'

Girlfriend: Why? Tell me na... please...

Boyfriend: Arre uska matlab 'kuchh nahi' hota hai.

Girlfriend: Bata na bhav kyu kha raha hai?

Boyfriend: Bola to 'kuchh bhi nahi' hota hai.

Girlfriend: Kaminey, akhiri baar poochh rahi hoon, ek word me chup chap answer de...

Boyfriend: Ghanta....

Girl gives him 4-5 tight slaps.

Boyfriend: Mujhe maar ke tujhe kya mila?

Girlfriend: Kuchh nahi.

Boyfriend: Yahi hota hai 'Babaji Ka Thullu'

Girlfriend: Sweetu, pahle nahi bata sakte the?
----------


Santa and Maggi!
Santa se interview mein pucha gaya:

Agar 2 minute ke liye aapko PM bana diya jaye toh aap kya karenge.....??

Santa: Hum Maggi noodles banayenge.

Intrviwer: Why....??

Santa: 2 Minute mein toh sirf Maggi ban sakta hai..

Intrvwer: Agar 5 saal ke liye bana diya jaye....??

Santa: Hum 5 saal ke liye PM nahi banenge.

Intrvwer: Why....??

Santa: Itni Maggi kaun khayega...??
----------
Bechaare Ladke!!!
Boy: Mom Aaj Khaane Mein Kya Banaya Hai...

Mom: Baigan Ki Sabji...

Boy: Kya Mom!!!! Phir Baigan Ki Sabji? Aapko Toh Pata Hai Ki Mujhe Baigan Bilkul Achche Nahin Lagte......

Mom: Ye Sab Nakhre Apni Bivi Ke Samne Karna, Tab Toh Munh Se Ek Shabad Nahin Niklega Jo Vo Banaygi Chup Chaap Kha Loge!!!

Boy: Ok Lao Baigan Hi Khata Hu...

After Marriage..........
Boy: Aaj Khane Mein Kya Bana Hai Darling?

Wife: Baigan Ki Sabzi!!!

Boy: Kya??? Baigan Ki Sabzi...!!!

Wife: Ye Nakhre Na Apni Maa Ke Saamne Kiya Karo, Tab Toh Kuch Bola Nahi Jaata.

Boy: Achcha Lao, De Do Baigan Ki Sabzi...

Bechaare Ladke...
----------
Lalu and Ebola Problem
Lalu's PA: Sir! There is a new problem.

Lalu: Ka problem?

PA: Ebola.

Lalu: Kaun bola?

PA: Koi bola nahin Sir, Ebola.

Lalu: Arrey Kaun bola bhai? Nitish bola? Modi bola? Kaun bola?

PA: Sir, aap samajh hi Nahin rahey hain. Ebola.

Lalu: Abey ham samajh Nahin rahey hain Ki tum pagla Gaye ho ka? Bola kaun, Manmohnwa Bol Diya ka re?
----------
Naughty Wives
Wife is angry as hubby stands too close to a beautiful girl in bus, a few seconds later the girl slaps him for pinching.
Hubby to wife: I swear I didn't.
Wife: I know, I did it...

Doctor to injured patient: Jab Car Ek Lady Vhalaa Rahi Thi Toh Tumhein Road Se Dur Hat Jaana Chahiye Tha.
Patient: Kaun Sa Road? Main Toh Garden Mein Letaa Huaa Tha.

Husbund & Wife Ek Hi Plate Mein Pani Puri Kha Rahe The, 1 Dusre Ki Aankhon Mein Aankhe Daal Ke.
Wife, Pyar Se: Aaise Kya Dekh Rahe Ho?
Husband: Thoda Aaram Se kha.... Meri Baari Hi Nahi Aa Rahi !!!

Husband to Wife: Tum Sabke Saamne AG, OG, Suno G Kah Kar Kyun Boltee Ho? Wife: Hum Indian Wives Sanskaron Waali Hoti Hain, Kabhi Sabke Saamne Apne Pati Ko 'Abe Gadhe' Ya 'Oye Gadhe' Ya Sun O Gadhe' Nahin Bol Sakti. Isliye Short Mein AG, OG, Sun O G Kehti Hain.

A wife wrote this specially for her husband:
Kabhi Kabhi Mere Dil Mein, Ye Khayal Aata Hai....
Kabhi Kabhi Mere Dil Mein, Ye Khayal Aata Hai....
Jab Tu Raat Ko 11.00 Baje So Jaata Hai, Toh Next Day Morning Tera Whatsapp Last Seen at 2.30 AM Kyuin Dikhata Hai???
----------



Mian-Biwi Ke Kisse
Husband: Tumne Pada... Akhbaar Mein Likha Hai Taaje Survey Se Pata Chala Hai Ki 25 Percent Auratein Maansik Bimari Ke Liye Medicines Leti Hain?
Wife: Toh Ismein Khaas Kya Hai?
Husband: Yeh Toh Bada Hi Darawani Type Ki News Hai.
Wife: Kyun?
Husband: Iska Matlab Hua Ki 75 Percent Ladies Bina Medicines Liye Ghoom Rahi Hain...!!!

Biwi Ne Namaaz Padhkar Dua Ke Liye Haath Uthaye, Par Kuchh Nahin Manga Aur haath Neeche Kar Liye!
Shauhar Yeh Sab Dekh Raha Tha, Toh Puchh Baitha: Yeh Kya? Dua Kyun Nahin Maangi?
Biwi: Maangne Hi Lagi Thi Ki 'Allah Aapki Tamaam Mushkilein Khatam Kar De' Phir Socha, Kahin Mujhe Hi Kuchh Na Ho Jaaye!

Patni: Aaakhir Aurat Kya-Kya Sambhaale...
Tumko Sambhaale,
Tumhare Bachche Sambhaale,
Tumhare Maa - Baap Ko Fambhaale
Yaa Phir Tumhara Ghar Sambhaale ???
Pati, Sukun Se: Agar Aurat Sirf Apni ZABAAN Sambhaal Le Toh Baaki Sab Apne-Aap Sambhal Jaayega !!!
----------
Pati, Patni Aur Jhagda
Pati: Priye, Kal Subah Kya Tum Mere Saath Yoga Class Chalna Pasand Karogi?
Patni: Tum Kehna Kya Chahte Ho, Main Kya Moti Ho Gayi Hoon?

Pati: Koi Baat Nahin, Ichcha Nahi Hai Toh Mat Chalo.
Patni: Matlab Main Aalsi Hoon?

Pati: Arey Tum Gussa Kyun Kar Rahi Ho?
Patni: Matlab Main Hamesha Jhagadti Joon!

Pati: Arey Maine Aisa Kab Bola?
Patni: Matlab Ki main Jhoothi Hoon!

Pati: Achcha Baba, Main Nahin Jaata Hoon!
Patni: Main Sab Samajthi Hoon, Darasal, Tum Le Jana Hi Nahin chahte The...

Pati Ne Chup Rehne Mein Hi Bhalaai Samjhi Aur Chup Chaap So Gaya...
----------
Facebook Humour
Girl's Status: In Temple
Comments:
Boy1: Jai Mata Di.
Boy2: Mere Liye Bhi Prasad Lana.
Boy3: Wow Nyc.

Boy's Status: In Temple
Comments:
Boy1: Abey Vahan Bheekh Maangne Baith Gya Kya???
Boy2: Saale Temple Run Or Temple Mein Fark Ni Pata Kya???
Boy3: Abey Kamine, Tharki... Tu Vahan Bhi Pahunch Gaya Ladkiyan Tadne...

That Awkward Moment:
Jab Main Kisi Unknown Ladki Se Friendship Karta Hun Aur Kuch Dino Baad Dekhta Hun Ki Hamare Beech 10 Mutual Friend Ho Gaye Hain... Aur Vo Sab Mere Dost Hain... Kamine Kahin Ke!!!

Dear facebook...
Whenever I add a Girl, you always ask me: Do you Know her?
I just want to ask: Behan Lagti Hai wo Teri....????

She: Jao Mujhe Baat Nahin Karni Tumse.
Me: Okie.
She: Puchoge Nahin Ki Kyun Baat Nahin Karni, Kis Baat Pe Gussa Hun Main ???
Me: Na Re, I Respect Your Decision.
Single Again...

Banta: Yaar Santa, Kal Jeeto Bhabhi Itni Zor-Zor Se Kyun Chilla Rahi Thi? Unki Awaaz Mere Ghar Tak Aa Rahi Thi.
Santa: Kya Bataun Yaar Banta... Hua Ye Ki Uski Photo Facebook Pe Upload Karni Thi Lekin Galati Se OLX Pe Upload Kar Di... Aur Hadd Toh Tab Ho Gayi Jab Ek Ladke Ne Kaha Ki Bhai Ye 1960 Ka Kabaad Kaun Lega???
----------
Things to learn From Shah Rukh Khan movies
Kuch Kuch Hota Hai: DOST SE PYAAR

Mohabattein: PRINCIPAL KI BETI SE PYAAR

Kal Ho Na Ho: PADOSI KI BETI SE PYAAR

Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gum: NAUKAR KI BETI SE PYAAR

Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna: DUSARO KI BIWI SE PYAAR

Baazigar: DUSHMAN KI BETI SEPYAAR

My Name is Khan: BAAL KATANE WALI SE PYAAR

Pardes: DOST KI MANGETAR SE PYAAR

Dil Se: TERRORIST SE PYAAR

Mai Hoon Na: TEACHER SE PYAR
----------



Pappu's Love Affair
Pappu Ko Ek Ladki Se Pyar Ho Gaya. Isi Chakkar Meine Vo Daily Us Ladki Ko Subah Uske Office Drop Karne Jaata Aur Phir Shaam Ko Use Office Se Pick Karke Uske Ghar Chhod Ke Aata Tha.

Ek Din Raaste Mein Ladki Dukhi Si Hokar Boli: Kal Ladke Waale Mujhe Dekhne Aaye The.

Pappu: Phir???

Ladki: Mujhe Pasand Kar Gaye.

Pappu Behad Dukhi Hokar Bola: Togh Ab... ???

Ladki Rone Lagi Aur Rote Rote Boli: Agle Mahine Kee Shaadi Fix Ho Gayi Hai... Unka Ghar Laxmi Nagar Mein Hai.

Pappu Gehri Soch Mein Pad Gaya.

Ladki: Ab Kya Karna Hai... Tum Please Jaldi Kuch Socho Na...

Pappu: Soch Hee Toh Raha Hun.

Ladki: Kya Soch Rahe Ho???

Pappu: Ab Laxmi Nagar Se Tumhe Office Drop Karne Ke Liye Mujhe Ring Road Leni Padegi..... Phir 3 Kilometer Baad U-turn, Uske Baad One-Way Ke Kaaran Rajguru Road, Phir Woh Mukherji Nagar Waala Fly-over... Oye Nahin Yaar Mere Bas Ki Baat Nahi Hai, Roz-Roz Ka Toh Mushkil Ho Jayega... Tu Apne Husband Ko Bol Ki Vo Koi Intezaam Kare... Mujhe Bahut Lamba Padega.
----------
Hot Secretary!
Boss Ne Ek Chulbuli, Nihayat Hi Khoobsurat Aur Hot Ladki Ko Apni Secretary Ke Kaam Pe Rakh Liya Lekin 10 Din Ke Baad Hi Boss Ne 11th Floor Se Jump Maar Ke Suicide Kar Liya.

Inspector: Kamre Mein Us Waqt Kaun Kaun Tha?

Secretary: Ji Sirf Mein Aur Boss The.

Inspecor: Aakhir Aisa Kya Ho Gaya Ho Tumhaare Boss Ko Suicide Karna Pad Gaya?

Secretary: Pata Nahin Sir, Vo Toh Bahut Hi Achche Insaan The. Ek Din Unhone Mujhe 2 Lakh Ka Necklace Gift Mein Diya. Phir Us Din Unhone Mujhe 10 Lakh Ki Diamond Ki Ring Gift Ki. Do Din Pehle Hi Unhone Mujhe Audi Khareed Ke Gift Ki...

Inspector: Phir ???

Secretary: Aaj Jab Mein Sir Ke Cabin Mein Aayi Toh Sir Pooch Rahe The Ki Kaisa Flat Logi, Kahan Pe Logi... Aur Tabhi Mere Papa Ka Phone Aaya... Maine Unse Sirf Itna Kaha Ki Papa Aap Yahan Hote Toh Dekhte Ki Mere Boss Kitne Achche Hain, Mujhe Kitna Pyaar Karte Hain, Kitna Chahte Hain Mujhe... Aap Toh Hamesha Yehi Kehte Rehte Ho Ki Pappu Beta Ladki Bankar Mat Ghuma Kar....

Inspector Sahab, Mein Apne Papa Se Baat Kar Rahi Thi Ki Pata Nahin Sir Ko Ekdum Se Kya Hua, Unhone Khidki Kholi Aur Kood Gaye....
----------
Lajawab Santa
Santa: Oye Banta, Ye Tere Haath-Pair Kaise Toot Gaye?
Banta: Ab Kya Bataun Yaar, Vo Joh Mere Pados Mein Chinese Rehta Hai Na...
Santa: Vahi Jiski Pichle Saal Shaadi Hui Thi?
Banta: Haan Yaar Vahi. Kal Uski Biwi Mar Gayi.
Santa: Toh!!!???
Banta: Toh Kya? Vo Ro Raha Tha Toh Maine Kaha Ki Bhai Dukhi Mat Ho, Ye Ek Saal Toh Toh Chali Varna Chinese Maal Toh 5-6 Mahine Se Jyada Kahan Chalta Hai???

Bengali: My grandfather lived for 96 years & he never used glasses.
Santa: Yes, I know, some people in my family also drink directly from the bottle.

Doctor To Santa: Aapki Ek Kidney Fail Ho Gayi Hai...
Santa Pehle Toh Bahut Roya... Phir Aansu Ponchte Hue Pucha: Kitne Number Se ???

Santai: Khaana Kya Bana Rahi Ho?
Santa: Aaj Butter Chicken, Chicken Biryani, Butter Naan Aur Saath main Tumhare Liye Chilled Beer Bhi Hai....
Santa: Khaana Bana Rahi Ho Ya Chutiya???
----------
Pappu Ke Dada Aur Dadi
Pappu Ke Dada Aur Dadi Ne Apni Jawani Ke Dino Ko Taaza Karne Ka Socha. Kaafi Sochne Ke Baad Unhone Ye Decide Kiya Ki Vo Phir Se Darya Ke Kinaray Milenge, Jaise Puraane Dinon Mein Chori-Chupe Mila Karte The.

Dada Tayyar-Shayyar Ho Kar, Baal Bana Kar, Kapdon Mein Scent Laga Ke, Kaal Bada Waala Chashma Pehan Ke, Aur Haath Mein Gulab Lekar Darya Ke Kinarey Pahunch Gaya Aurr Taza Thandi Hawaon Mein Intezar Karn Lage...

Lekin Bahut Der Intezar Karne Ke Baad Bhi Unki Girlfriend Nahin Aayi...

Dada Ko Bahut Gussa Aaya. Jab Wo Wapas Ghar Pahunche Toh Dekha Ki Dadi Kursi Per Baithi Muskura Rahi Thi.

Dada, Gusse Se: Tum Aayi Kyun Nahi??? Dadi Sharmati Huye: Mummy Ne Ghar Se Bahar Jane Nahi Diya.


----------


Hindi Songs and their Medical Meanings
Jiya Jale Jaan Jale, Raat Bhar Dhuan Chale - Fever

Tadap Tadap Ke Is Dil Se Aah Nikalti Rahi - Heart Attack

Suhani Raat Dhal Chuki, Na Jaane Tum Kab Aoge - Constipation

Bidi Jalayle Jigar Se Piya Jigar Ma Badi Aag Hai - Acidity

Tujh Mein Rab Dikhta Hai, Yaara Main Kya Karoon - Cataract

Tuje Yaad Na Meri Aayi Kisi Se Ab Kya Kehna - Alzheimer's

Mann Dole Mera Tann Dole - Vertigo

Tip-Tip Barsa Pani, Pani Ne Aag Lagayi - Urinary Infection

Dil Dhadak-Dhadak Ke Keh Raha Hai -Hypertension

Aaj Kal Paaon Zameen Par Nahi Padte Mere - Corn On Feet

Haay-Re-Haay Neend Nahi Aaye -Insomnia

Batana Bhi Nahi Aata, Chupana Bhi Nahi Aata - Piles

And Sabse Mast
Lagi Aaj Saawan Ki Phir Wo Zadi Hai - Loose Motion
----------  
Husband-Wife Humour
Husband: Tumse Shaadi Karke Mujhe Ek Bahut Phayada Hua Hai.
Wife: Kaun Sa Phayada?
Husband: Mujhe Mere Gunaaho Ki Saza Jeete-Jee Hi Mil Gai.

What's the difference between Dava & Daru?
Dava is like girlfriend, that comes with expiry date and Daru is like wife, Jitni Purani Hogi Utna Hi Sir Chad Ke Bolegi.

Wife: Sunte Ho Ji?
Husband: Haan Bolo!
Mujhe Happiness Ki Spelling Batao!!
Husband: Likh... UNMARRIED.

Santa: Dekh Teri Biwi Ko Saap Kaat Raha hai... Banta: Chinta Mat Kar Yaar, Kuch Nahi Hota, Saap Ka Zehar Khatam Ho Gaya Hai, Recharge Kawane Aaya Hhoga.

Ek Aadmi Apne Biwi Ke Har Kaam Me Nuks Nikalta Rehta Tha.
Agar Wo Anda Boil Kar Ke Deti Toh Kehta Ke Fry Karna Tha, Agar Fry Karti Toh Kehta Ke Boil Karna Tha.
Ek Din Biwi Ne Dono Bana Diya. Pehle Toh Wo Dono Andon Ko Gaur Say Dekhta Raha, Phir Kehne Laga... Tumhe Akal Kab Ayegi... Jis Anday Ko Fry Karna Tha Usko Tumne Boil Kar Dia Aur Jisko Boil Karna Tha Usko Fry Kar Diya.

Height of Misunderstanding:
Wife not talking to Husband & Thinking that She is giving Punishment to Him....

After massive demands from all husbands a new app called 'Panic' is launched for smart phones.
You just say 'WIFE'
and it closes all websites, hides all chats, hide all special folders and best of all puts your wife's photograph as a wallpaper!!!
----------  
Dangerous Dosti!
Main ghar late aaya toh Dad ne Pucha: "Where were you?"

Maine kaha: "Friend ke Ghar par tha."

Dad ne Mere hi saamne mere 10 friends ko call kiya.

4 ne Kaha: "Haan Uncle, Yahin par tha."

2 ne Kaha: "Abhi Just Nikla hai."

3 ne Kaha: "Yahin hai Uncle, Padh Raha hai, baat karwaun Kya?"

1 ne toh hadd hi Kar di, kaha, "Haan Papa bolo kya hua"!

PITWA DIYA SAALON NE !!!
----------  
Alia Ke Kisse
Alia Bhatt: Hey dad, what's the plan for weekend ?
Mahesh Bhatt: Income Tax Returns.
Alia Bhatt: Hey, first Part Kab Release Hua Tha?
Mahesh Bhatt: Jaa Meri Maa, Tu Shooting Pe Jaa!!!

Alia was Participating 100 metres Race...
Referee said: 1, 2, 3, GO....
Everybody started running except Alia Bhatt.
Referee: Why are you not running...?
Alia Bhatt: My number is 4.

SBI Bank: Humara Bank Aapko bina Interest Ke Loan De raha Hai....
Alia Bhatt: Agar Dene Mein Interest hi Nahi Hai Toh Kyun De Rahe Ho? Nahi Chahiye....

Alia Bhatt: Let's go for movie .
Varun: Shit, I've got a doctor's appointment today.
Alia Bhatt: Just cancel it, tell him you're sick.

Alia reading newspaper.
News: Indian athlete lost gold medal in long jump.
Alia comments: Idiot !!! Who told him to wear gold medal while jumping!!!

Deepika Padukone: I have more Fans than You.
Alia Bhatt: Big deal, I have AC at Home.
----------



Phone Book
Biwi Ne Apne Naye Naye Shohar Ka Mobile Dekha. Us Tharki Ne Phone Book Main Ladkiyon Ke Naam Yun Save The:

Parosan Ki Bachchi,
New Bachchi,
Purani Bachchi,
Samney Wali Bachchi,
Oper Wali Bachchi,
Collage Wali Bachchi,
Insurance Wali Bavchi,
Hospital Wali Bachchi,

Biwi Ko Excitment Hui K Mera Number Kis Naam Se Save Hoga
Biwi Ne Apna Number Likh Ke Dial Kiya Tu Likha Hua Tha: Pagal Ki Bachchi.
----------  
Daru Aur Darubaaz
Ek Sharabi Ki Naukri Lag Gai.
Naukri Ke Order Mein Likha Tha Ki Company Ki Taraf Se Aapko Quarter Milega.
Apna Bhai Itna Bhola Thaa Ki Subah-Subah Joining Ke Time Khaali Glass Aur Namkeen Lekar Pahunch Gayaa !!!

Ek Din TV Par Sharabi Film Dekhte Huye Patni Boli: Amitabh Bachchan Kitna Achchha Actor Hai... Sharab Na Peekar Bhi Piye Huye Kee Kitni Achchhi Acting Karta Hai !
Yeh Sunkar Main Sochne Laga: Ab Is Pagli Ko Kaun Samjhaaye Ki Sharab Na Peekar Piye Huye Kkee Acting Karne Se Jyada Mushkil Hoti Hai Sharab Peekar Na Piye Huye Kee Scting Karna... !!!

Teen Dost Baithe Daaru Pee Rahe The.
Pehla Dost: Bhai, Motorcycle Se Leh-Ladakh Chalte Hain.
Dusra Dost: Haan Haan Bhai Chalte Hain, Bada Maza Ayega, Khoob Enjoy Karenge...
Teesra Dost: Per Yaar, Apne Paas Toh Cycle Bhi Nahin Hai... ???
Pehle Dono Dost: Kamine, Humein Pata Tha Ki Daaru Nahin Pee Raha Hai, Sirf Namkeen Kha Raha Hai...

Sharaabi Husband: Agar Mere Haath Mein SARKAR Hoti Toh Main Desh Ki Taqdeer Badal Deta!
Wife: Haramkhor, Bevde... Pehle PAYJAMA Toh Badal Le, Subah Se Meri SALVAAR Pehan Ke Ghoom Raha Hai!!!
----------  
Kaisa Hona Chahiye ?
Ladka Handsome hona chahiye,
Smart to Phone bhi hote hain.

Phone to iPhone hona chahiye,
S1, S2, S3 to Train ke Dibbe bhi hote hain.

Insaan ka dil Bada hona chahiye,
Chhota to Bheem bhi hai.

Aadmi ko Samjhdar hona chahiye,
Sensitive to Toothpaste bhi hota hai.

Teacher jyada Number dene wala hona chahiye,
Andaa to Murgi bhi deti hai.

Yuva Rashtrawadi Hone chahiye,
Cool to Navratna Oil bhi hai.

Rashtrapati Kalaam Hona Chahiye,
Mukherjee to Rani bhi hai.
v Bathroom mein Hair Dryer Hona chahiye,
Towel to Sreesanth ke paas bhi hai.

Ladki mein Akal honi chahiye,
Surat to Gujrat mein bhi hai.

Mobile General mode par hona chahiye,
Silent to Manmohan Singh bhi hain.

Seb meetha hona chahiye,
Lal to Advani bhi hain.

Ladka Dravid jaisa hone chahiye,
Rahul to Gandhi bhi hai.

Ghumna to Hill Station par chahiye,
Goa to Pan masala bhi hai.

Reply dhang ka hona chahiye,
'Hmmmmmmm.' to bhains bhi kar leti hai.
----------  
Lip Kiss!!!
Pappu Ki Ek Ladki Se Kaafi Time Se Setting Chal Rahi Thi. Bahut Manane Ke Baad Vo Kiss Ke Liye Razi Hui.

Pappu Ne Sham Ko Use Apne Ghar Bulaya Aur Bola: Chal Aaj Ambulance-Ambulance Khelte Hain.

Ladki: Oye, Ye Kaisi Game Hai? Maine Toh Iska Naam Tak Nahi Suna Aaj Tak.

Pappu Muskurate Hue: Badi Simple Game Hai Yaar, Main Tumhe Gall Pe Kiss Karunga, Aur Jab Tum Mujhe Rokna Chaho To Bolna Red Light. Ladki Kuch Soch Ke Boli: Theek Hai. Pappu Ne Gall Pe Kiss Kiya Aur Phir Lip Kiss Karne Laga Toh Ladki Chillane Lagi: Red Light...... Red Light
Red Light... Kya Kar Rahe Ho??? Peeche Hato......
Red Light.... Mujhe Nahin Khelna.....
Red Light....
Kutte Kamine Red Light.....
Ruk To Sahi Besharam......

Pappu Shaitani Hasi Hanste Hue Bola: Arey Pagli, Ambulance Bhi Kabhi Red Light Pe Rukti Hai???
----------


A True Fact of Private Job Life
Beemar Employee se uski biwi boli: Iss bar koi Janwaron ke Doctor ko dikhao tabhi aap theek hoge??

Pati: Woh Kyon ??

Biwi: Roz Subah Murge ki tarah Jaldi Uthh Jate ho...
Ghode ki tarah Bhag-Bhag ke Office chale Jate ho...
Gadhe ki tarah dinbhar kaam karte ho...
Lomadi ki tarah idhar-udhar se information batorkar report banate ho...
Bandar ki tarah client ke ishare par nachte ho...
Ghar aakar pariwar par kutte ki tarah chillate ho....
Aur fir bhainse ki tarah khaa kar so jate ho...
Insaano ka Doctor tumhe kya theek kar payega !!!!
----------  
Awesome Girlfriends
A Boy to a girl: Hey!!! New Laptop?
Girl: Yes!
Boy: Even I've got a new one.
Girl: Oh really!!! Which one?
Boy: Dell Inspiron 14 5000, 14 inch touch screen, 1.7ghz intel core i5 CPU, 8GB RAM, 1TB hard disk, windows 8.1, HD graphics, bluetooth 4.0, HD 720p webcam and 3 cell lithium ion battery.
Girl: Ohh nice.
Boy: And Yours?
Girl: Mera Na Pink Wala Hai, Usmein Internet Bhi Hai, Songs Bhi Hain, Aur Usmein Pendrive Bhi Laga Sakte Hain.

Ek Ladke Ko Uski Girlfriend Ne 2 Baar Message Kiya Aur Dono Hi Baar Ladka Heart Attack Ki Vajah Se Marte-Marte Ye Hain Vo Do Message:
Pehla: Bahut Ho Gaya... It's Time to Break-up... Sab Kuch Khatam Ho Gaya.
Doosra Message: Sorry... Sorryyy... Ye Message Tumhaare Liye Nahin Tha...

Girl: Ye Lo Pendrive, Ismein FACEBOOK Aur Whatsapp Daal Do Please.
Boy gave a surprised look to the girl...
Girl: Kya Hua, 2 GB Mein Nahin Aayega Kya???

Girlfriend: McDonald's Chalein?
Boy: Spelling Bolo Toh Hi Jayenge.
Girlfriend: McDonald's Rehne Do, KFC Chalte Hain...
Boy: Agar KFC Ka Full Form Bata Dogi Toh Le Chalunga.
Girlfriend: Rehne De Kanjoos. Samosa Hi Khila De.
----------  
Love Marriage!
Ek Din Khuda Ne Mujhse Kaha: Mat Kar Intezar Uska, Is Janam Mein Uska Milna Mushkil Hai.

Maine Bhi Keh Diya: Lene De Maza Intezar Ka, Agle Janam Mein Toh Mumkin Hai.

Phir Khuda Ne Kaha: Mat Kar Itna Pyar Bahut Pachhtayega.
Muskura Ke Maine Kaha: Dekhte Hain Tu Kitna Mujhe Tadpayega.

Phir Khuda Ne Kaha: Bhool Ja Usko, Chal Tujhe Jannat Ki Apsra Se Milata Hun.
Maine Kaha: Aa Neeche Dekh Mere Pyar Ka Muskurata Chehra, Tujhe Jannat Ki Apsra Bhulvata Hun.

Gusse Mein Khuda Ne Kaha: Mat Bhool Apni Aukaat Tu Toh Ek INsaan Hai.
Hans Kar Maine Bhi Challenge Phenk Diya: Toh Mila De Mujhe Mere Pyar Se Aur Saabit Kar Ki Tu Hi Bhagwan Hai.

Phir Khuda Ne Gusse Mein Us Se Meri Shaadi Hi Karwa Di.......

Pyaar Ka Saara Bhoot Utar Gaya.... Sari Shayari Hi Bhula Di... Aaj Tak Pachtaa Raha Hun Ki Kyun Maine Khuda Se Panga Liya...
----------  
Facebook Ka Kamaal!!!
Class Ke Dauraan Ek Ladke Ne Apna Facebook Account khola Aur Status Update Kia: I am using fb in Class.

Professor Ne Us Pe Comment Kia: Class Se Nikal Jao.

Principal Ne Professor Ke Comment Ko Like Kia.

Dost Ne Comment Kia: Oye Cafe Aaja.

Maa Ne Comment Kia: Nalayak Kahin Ka, Class Nahin Attend Karni Toh Sabzi Le Kar Ghar Aaja.

Baap Ne Bhi Comment KAr Dia: Dekh Lo Apne Bete Ki Harkatein.

Usi Waqt Girlfriend Ka Comment Aa Gaya: Dhokhe Baaz Tum Ne Toh Kaha Tha Ki Hospital Mein Hun... Daadi Aakhri Stage Par Hain Isliye Milne Nahin Aa Sakta. Aur Aakhiri Khatarnaak Commnent Bhi Padhiye...

Daadi Ji Ka Comment: Tere Munh Min Keede Padein Haraam Khor, Main Abhi Zinda Hoon.
----------


Patni Ki Dhamki
Pati Aur Patni Mein Kisi Baat Par Jabardast Jhagra Ho Gaya.

Pati Us Baat Se Naaraz Hokar Patni Se Baat Nahi Kar Rahaa Tha.

Patni: Ab Main 10 Tak Ginuungi, Agar Tum Naa Bole Toh Main Zehar Kha Loongi !!!

Pati Khaamosh.

Patni: Ek !!

Pati Khamosh!

Patni: Do !!

Pati, Phir Bhi Chup.

Patni (Pyar Se): Bolo Na Please...!!!!

Pati, Apni Mundi Ghumaa Ke Chup.

Ab Patni Ka Rona Shuruu.

Pati: Pagli, Ginti Chaalu Rakh... Counting... Counting!

Patni: Shukar Hai ! Aap Bole Toh....... Nahi To Mai To Zehar Khane Wali Thi !!
----------  
Doctor vs Plumber!
Doctor Raat Ko 3 Baje Toilet Jaane Ke Liye Utha Toh Usne Dekha Ki Toilet Puri Tarah Se Block Ho Gaya Hai.

Usne Apni Biwi Se Kaha: Mai Abhi Plumber Ko Bulata Hun.

Biwi, Hairani Se: Tum Raat Ko 3 Baje Plumber Ko Bulaogey?

Doctor: Haan, Kyon Nahin? Hum Bhi Toh Jaate Hain Raat Mein Agar Koi Mareez Beemaar Ho Jaye Toh.

Usne plumber Ko Call Kiya, Shikayat Ki Aur Usko Raaat Ko Hi Aane Ko Kaha.

Plumber Ne Mana Kiya Aur Kaha Vo Subah Aa Jayega.

Doctor Ne Pir Se Wahi Baat Kahi: Agar Mai Raat Mein Mareez Dekhne Jaa Sakta Hun Toh Tum Bhi Aa Sakte Ho.

Plumber Bechara Subah 3:30 Baje Aankhein Malta Hua Doctor Ke Ghar Pahuncha. Usne Toilet Dekha Aur Baag Se Kuch Goliyaan Aur Powder Nikaal Ke Toilet Mein Daal Di Aur Phir Doctor Se Bola: Doctor Saab, Is Se Theek Toh Ho Jaani Chahiye, Agar Koi Pharak Na Pade Toh Subah Mujhe Phir Se Call Kar Lena.
----------  
Santa Aur Pappu Humour
Santa Ke Hip Pe Chot Lag Gayi. Vo Doctor Ke Paas Jaa Kar Check Karwaata Hai.
Doctor Kehta Hai: Santa ji Taanke Lagaane Padenge.
Santa: Ok, Laga Do.
Doctor: Aapka Bill Hua Rs 5000.
Santa: Kya??? 5000???? O Doctor Saab, Aapne Taanke Hi Lagaye Hain Ya Kashmiri Kadhaai Ki Hai???

Pappu: Dada Ji Aap Kya Kar Rahe Ho..?
Dada ji: Kitaab Padh Raha Hoon....
Pappu: Kaun Si Kitaab...?
Dada ji: History Ki Kitaab...
Pappu: Zara Dehoon Toh, ............ Arey Yeh Toh Kamasutra Ki Kitaab Hai....
Dada ji: Haanh Bacchey.... Ab Mere Liye Yeh Sab History Hi Hua Na.......

Shaadi Ke 2 Saal Baad Jeeto Rote-Rote Apne Maayke Jaati AHi Aur Apni Maa Se Bolti Hai: Mein Ab Santa Ke Saath Nahin Rah Sakti, Woh Toh Daarubaaz Hai, Har Waqt Nashe Mein Rehta Hai!
Maa Ne Hairaani Se Pucha: Yeh Baat Tu Mujhe Ab Bata Rahi Hai, Shaadi Ke 2 Saal Baad???
Jeeto: Ab Tak Mujhe Bhi Kahaan Pata Tha!!! Vo Toh Kal Jab Wo Bina Piye Ghar Aa Gaya... Tab Pata Chala!!!
----------  
Dhongi Baba and Pappu
Pappu Ko Apne Khet Mein Tubewell Lagwana Tha Per Usko Smajh Nahin Aa Raha Tha Ki Kahan Lagwaye. Tabhi Wahan Se Ek Baba Ji Gujre. Pappu Ne Socha Ki Kyun Na Baba Ji Se Pucha Jaaye.

Baba Ji Saare Khet Mein Ghoomte Hain Aur Thodi Der Ke Baad Ek Kone Mein Haath Rakh Kar Bolte Hain Ki Beta, Yahan Laga Le Tubewell Aur Batane Ke 1100 Rs Maang Liye.

Pappu Samajh Gaya Ki Ye Dhongi Baba Hai Lekin Bechara Kuch Bol Nahi Paaya Aur Chupchaap 1100 De Diye.

Phir Achcnak Pappu Babaji Se Bola: Babaji Mein Bahut Khush Hun... Aap Mere Ghar Chalo Aur Khaana Khaake Ke Jaana.

Baba Ji Ne Socha Ki Aaj Toh Murga Phas Gaya... Aur Haan Kar Di.

Pappu Apni Patni Ko Phone Karke Se Bola: Mein Aur Ek Babaji Aa Rahe Hain Khaane Pe, Kuch Paka Lo Aur Ek Katore Mein Neeche Desi Ghee Aur Upar Chawal Daal Dena.

Patni Boli: Lekin Ghee Toh Uppar Hota Hai.

Pppu Bola: Aaj Tu Ghee Neeche Rakhna.

Thodi Der Mein Pappu Babaji Ko Lekar Ghar Pahunch Jaata Hai Aur Uski Patni Khaana Laga Deti Hai.

Babaji Chawal Wala Katora Dekh Kar Bole: Beta, Ismein Ghee Toh Hai Hi Nahin...!!!

Pappu Toh Isi Baat Ka Intezaar Kar Raha Tha, Aur Usne 2-3 Thappad Laga Diye Baba Ji Ke Aur Bola: Baba, Tune Khet Mein 100 Foot Neeche Paani Dekh Liya Per Katori Mein 3 Inch Neeche Ghee Nahin Dikha???
----------



Nonveg or Veg Biryani ?
Ek Aadmi Samundar Mein Nahate Huye Doobne Laga Toh Usne Dua Ki: Hey Bhagvan ! Agar Mein Bach Gaya Toh Biryani Ki Deg Garibo Ko Khilaunga.

Tabhi Ek Badi Si Lehar Aati Hai Aur Usko Utha Ke Sahil Pe Phenk Deti Hai.

Usne Upar Dekha Aur Kaha: Hehe, Kaunsi Biryani, Kaisi Biryani...

Achanak Ek Aur Lehar Aayi Aur Usko Waapas Samundar Mein Ley Gayi.

Tab Vo Aadmi Phir Se Uapar Dekhta Hai Aur Kehta Hai: Mera Matlab Tha Chicken Ya Mutton Ya Veg Biryani...
----------  
Santa, Banta Aur Pappu
Banta Suhagrat Pe Apni Nayi Naveli Dulhan Ke Paas Jaa Ke Baith Gay Aur Bade Pyaar Se Samjhane Laga.
Banta: Dekho, Sabse Pyaar Se Rehna, Sabki Respect Karna, Unka Vishwas Jeetne Ki Koshish Karna, Unki Care Karna, Hamesha Sach Bolna...
Dulhan: Achcha ji, Thek Hai...
Banta: Choton Se Hamesha Pyaar Se Baat Karna, Subah Jaldi Utha, Thoda Pooja Paath Karna, Bade-Bjurgon Ki Sewa Karna... Aur Pata Nahin Kya Kya....
Dulhan Bechari Bore Ho Rahi Thi... Phir Vo Fatafat Uthi Aur Room Ka Darwaza Khol Kar Chilla Kar Boli: Arey Sab Log Andar Aa Jaao, Yahaan Satsang Ho Raha Hai...

Santa Apne Motaape Ki Wajah Se Tang Aa Kar Doctor Ke Paas Gaya.
Santa: Doctor Sahab Is Mote Pet Ka Kuch Karo.
Doctor: Iska To Sirf Ek Hi Ilaaj Hai.
Santa: Wo Kya Doctor Sahab?
Doctor: Tum Roz Sirf Do Hi Rotiyan Khaya Karo.
Santa: Hmmmm, Par Ye Do Rotiya Khaane Se Pehle Khani Hai Ya Baad Mein?

Pappu Ki Bike Ki Takkar Ek Scooty Waali Ladki Se Ho Gayi Aur Bechari Ladki Gir Gayi
Bheed Jama Ho Gayi Aur Sabne Pappu Ko Kaafi Maara, Peeta, Aur Phir Ladki Aur Uski Scooty Ko Uthaya...
Ek Aadmi Ne Pucha: Ap Theek Ho, LAgi Toh Nahin?
Ladki: Arey Nahi, Ye Toh Roz KA Kaam Hai... Vo Actually Mein Abhi Seekh Rahi Hun Na...

Madam Asked His Student, Pappu, To Get His Father's Signature On His Report Card.
Pappu Bought His Report Card Next Day With A Signature On It - @@@@@@@@@ Madam Hairani Se: Pappu!!! Yeh Kaise Signature Hain?
Pappu: Vo Mam, Mere Daddy Ki Jalebi Ki Dukaan Hai, Unka Haath Aise Hi Chalta Hai.
----------  
`3 Idiots` ke Lessons
Teacher: '3 Idiots' film dekhne ke baad aap ko kya lesson mila?
Pappu: Madam yahi ki... Engineering padh kar bhi Medical ki ladki fasaai jaa sakti hai!!!
Teacher: Shut up and get out !

Tinku: Madam main bataaun?
Teacher: Haan Tinku, tum bataao.
Tinku: Madam college ke 1st day Underwear zaroor pehenna chahiye!!!
Teacher: You also get out !

Chintu: Madam main bataun ?
Teacher: Arre Chintu, you are a brilliant student, I'm sure ki tum sahi bataoge.
Chintu: Madam, sirf Doctors hi nahin Engineers bhi delivery karwa sakta hai...!!!
----------  
Message Templates
Agar Mobile INDIA Mein Bante Toh Usmein Message Templates Kuch Aise Hote...

1. Kamine Call Kar.

2. Cigarette Lete Hue Aana.

3. Teri Bhabhi Ke Saat Hun.

4. Yaar Kisi Ladki Ka Number Toh De.

5. Kahan Hai Saale??

6. Kal College Ya Bunk...??

7. Dimaag Mat Chaat Yaar.

8. Yaar Teri Bhabhi Naraz Ho Gayi, 2-3 Senti Msg Toh Bhej.

9. Abhi Call Mat Karo Jaanu, Papa Jaag Rahe Hain.

10. Baad Mein Baat Karti Hun, Mummy Saamne Hain.

11. Ghumne Chal Rahi Ho Na??

12. Jaldi Aa Sale, Meine Daru P K Gira Pada Hun.

13. Mere Bare Mein Puchegi Toh Bol Dena Daru P K Soya Hai Yahan Tere Gum Mein.

And the most Important......
12. Balance Nahin Hai... Call Kar Kutte...
----------


The Yummy Dish!
A man who is a manager in 5 star hotel calls his wife.

Husband: Aaj khaane mein kya pakaya hai?

Wife: Steamed fine long grain white rice, hand-picked in the emerald green lap of the Vindhyas, accompanied by a golden lentil soup that was gently simmered over the smouldering kisses of angels and served with dollops of fragrant clarified butter.

Husband: WOW... SOUNDS YUMMY!!1! Naam kya hai dish ka???

Wife: Daal-Chawal.

Husband: Daal-Chawal?? Toh itna ghumaya kyun?

Wife: Maine bhi vaise hi kaha jaise tum 5 star wale public ko kehte ho.
----------  
Lottery Ticket
Ek Baar Banta Mandir Gaya Aur Haath Jodkar Bahgwaan Se Prarthana Karta Hai: Hey Prabhu ! Aaj Maine Lottery Daali Hai, Meri Aapse Dua Hai Ki Please Meri Lottery Aaj Nikalni Chahiye.

Ye Kahkar Banta Apne Kaam Par Chala Jaata Hai. Raaste Mein Uski Jeb Kat Jaati Hai. Woh Gusse Mein Vaapis Mandir Aata Hai Aur Bhagwaan Ke Saamne Khade Hokar Kahta Hai:

Hey Bhagwaan, Koi Bhi Action Lene Se Pehle Puri Baat Toh Sun Liya Karo.
----------  
Busy Husband!
Wife calls hubby...

Wife: Kahan per ho, kyaya kar rahe ho?

Hubby: O yaar, kuch mat pucho, bura haal hai. Office mein hoon, bahut jyada busy hoon, kaam hi hi kaam hai, saans lene ki bhi phursat nahin hai. Aur tum batao, kya kar rahi ho, bachche kya kar rahe hain?

Wife: KFC mein tumhare peeche bachchon ke saath bethi hun aur bachche pooch rahe hain ki papa ke saath kaun nai BUA bethi hain?
----------  
Blocked...
Aaj kal ki ladkiyan choti choti baat pe chat account block kar deti hain... Few examples:

Boy: What's your Name??
Girl: Palak and you?
Boy: Paneer.
**BLOCKED!!!**

Girl : Hello I am Khusbu.
Boy: Khusbu ka dusra naam bharosa agarbati.... kone kone me khusbu faila de.
**Blocked**

Boy: Hi, what's your name??
Girl: Neha Singhal.
Boy: Oh.. I am also Single.
**Blocked**

Girl: What's UP?
Boy: Uttar Pradesh...
**blocked**

Girl: Tu soya hai...???
Boy: Nahi...! Schezwan hun..!
**Blocked Instantly**

Girl: I'm free tommorow!
Boy: Pehle kya paid thi??
**BLOCKED**

Boy: Aj mausam achha hai, Mall chalte hain.
Girl: Waha kya karenge??
Boy: Hawan karenge, hawan karenge.
**Blocked**

Girl: See ya!
Boy: Ram Chandra ki jai!
**Blocked**

Girl: Have a Good Day....
Boy: No thank you... I like Parle-G more...
**BLOCKED**

Girl: I need some Space.
Boy: Ok then go to Sonakshi Sinha's forehead.
**Blocked**

Girl puts up her status: Waiting for CHENNAI EXPRESS...
Boy: COOLIE hai kya??
**Blocked**

Boy: Thank you.
Girl: It's my Pleasure.
Boy: My Bajaj Pulsar.
**Blocked Forever**
----------


Shaadi Ki Stages
Married Life Ki First Stage:
Nayi Nayi Shadi Hui Hai. Husband Office Jaane Se Pehle Shave Kar Raha Hai Aur Shave Karte Karte Usko Blade Lag Jaata Hai. Uske Munh Se Halki Si Aaah Nikalti Hai.
Nayi Naveli Patni Kitchen Se Bhaagti Hui Aati Hai Aur Puchti Hai: Kya Hua ???
Pati Bade Hi Normal Tareeke Se Kehta Hai: Kuch Nahin Darling, Blade Se Halka Sa Cut Lag Gaya.
Patni Jaldi Se Dettol Laakar Laga Deti Hai Aur Bade Dukhi Se Swar Mein Boli: Kitna Saara Blood Nikal Gaya. Aaj Aap Office Mat Jayiye, Ghar Pe Rest Kijiye. Ghar Se Hi Kaam Kar Lijiye Laptop Se... Hai Ram Kitna Dard Ho Na Raha Hoga?

Married Life Ki Second Stage:
Ab Bachche Ho Jaate Hain. Husband Roz Ki Tarah Office Jaane Se Pehle Shave Kar Raha Hai Aur Shave Karte Karte Usko Blade Lag Jaata Hai.
Husband Hone Wale Dard Se Bhi Tez Chillaya: Ufffff... Menuuu.... Blade Se Cut Lag Gaya.
Aap Bhi Na!!?? Itne Saal Ho Gaye Aapko Shave Banate Banate Per Abhi Tak Aapko Dhang Se Shave Karna Nahin Aaya. Ye Lo Phitkari, Laga Lo. Main Aapka Aur Bachchon Ka Khana Ready Kar Rahi Hun. Patni Jhallate Hue Phitkari Patakte Hue Wahan Se Chali Gayi.

Married Life Ki Third Stage:
Bachchon Ki Marriage Ho Chuki Hai. Husband Retire Ho Chuke Hain Lekin Aur Unhe Abhi Bhi Subah Shave Karne Ki Aadat Hai. Aur Aaj Phir Shave Karte Karte Unko Blade Lag Jaata Hai.
Haiii... Mar Gayaaaa......!!! Arey Pappu Ki Mummy Kahan Hai Tu ?
Kyun Chilla Rahe Ho Itna Gal Phaad-Phaad Kar... Blade Hi Laga Hai Koi Talvaar Toh Nahin Lagi? Kitni Baar Kaha Hai Ki Ab Apne Aap Shave Mat Kiya Karo. Naai Se Karwa Liya Karo Per Tumhe Toh Is Budhaape Mein Bhi Jawaan Banne Ka Bhoot Chada Rehta Hai. Almari Mein Dettol Ya Phitkari Padi Hogi Laga Lo.
----------  
Epic Jokes on Maggi Ban
Always felt there was something wrong with MAGGIE, having such a feminine name and getting ready in "two minutes"?
Highly suspicious.

The amount of Maggi Noodles we have eaten, if it really contained that much lead, the men would be Natraj HB pencils by now and the ladies would have turned to Apsaras!

Breaking News:
Khatron Ke Khiladi Ke Next Season Mein Ek Task Mein Maggi Khilayi Jayegi!

Maggi Ke Peeche Sab Pade Hain, Koi Darru Ke Samples Bhi Check Kre,
Aaj-Kal Saali Chad Hi Nahi Rhi !

Saala Daaru Toh Bas Naam Se Badnaam Hai,
Warna Kidney Kharab Toh Maggi Ne Bhi Ki Hai!

The new Statutory Warning, censor board may issue: Maggi consumption may be injurious to health.

Ek Maggi Hi Aesi Female Thi Jo Do Minute Mein Ready Ho Jaati Thi...
Ab Uspar Bhi Rok Lag Gayi!

Agar 'Maggi' Band Ho Gayi Toh Sabsey Jyada Pareshaani Un Ladkiyon Ko Hogi Jo Apne 'Biodata' Mei Likhti Hain....
I Like cooking...

Hum Bharatiyon Ka Oil Mein Doobey Bhture/Samose, Paseene Vaale Paani Ke Goalgappe, Bird Flu Vaale Murge Baal Bhi Baanka Nahim Kar Sake, Toh Maggi Ki LEAD Kya Bigaad Legi!

Bhikari: Khane Ko Kuchh De Do Behen.
Behen: 2 Minutes Ruko Bhai.
Bhikari: Bhago Bhai, Yeh Toh Maggi Bana Rahi Hai!

Maggi Par Ban Lagne Ke Baad Ek Facebook Status: Cooking Daliya With Riya and 47 Others

Bharat Mein Maggi Bechne Ka Ab Ek Hee Tarika Hai: Iski Advertisement Mein Mein Liha Jaaye - Kesryukt Maggi.

Maggi Par Pratibndh Lagne Par Akhil Bhartiya Bachelore Sangh Ne Aapaat Baithak Bulaai Hai. Mudda Tha Ki Agar Raat 2 Baje Bhukh Lage Toh Bechaare Bachelors Kya Karein???
Sarkar Ghiri.

Ab Ekta Kapoor Ke Serial Mein Jehar Ki Jagah Maggi Istemal Ki Jaayegi.
----------  
The Nagging Wife
Pati-Pani Car Se Ek Shaadi Attend Karne Jaa Rahe The. Raaste Mein Car Puncture Hi Gayi... Bechaara Pati Utara Aur Stepni Badalne Ke Kaam Mein Lag Gaya.

Patni Bhi Utri Aur Utarte Hi Apne Pati ko Ulta-Seedha Bolne Lagi . Suniye Uski Bak-Bak.
Dekha Kar Nahin Chala Sakte The,
Kisi Nokile Patthar Pe Chada Di,
Puncture Toh Hua Hi Dent Pada So Alag.
Pata Nahin Kaise Driver Ho,
Biwi Ko Baitha Kar Bhi Raough Driving Karte Ho,
Zaroor Nazar Kahin Idhar-Udhar Hogi,
Ya Kisi Aur Ke Khayalon Mein Gum Hoge.
Pata Nahin Kisne Tumko License Diya.
Koi Kaam Dhang Se Aur Theek Se Nahin Kar Sakte Tum.
Ab Pata Nahin Stepni Theek Bhi Hai Ya Nahi.
Aur Sabse Badi Baat Ki Ab Shaadi Mein Bhi Der Se Pahunchenge,
Socha Tha Meri Nayi Saree Dekh Kar Sab Jalengi Mujhse,
Lekin Ab Toh Varmaala Ke Baad Hi Pahunchenge,
Tumse Toh Meri Khushi Dekhi Nahin Jaati.
Arey, Bade Ajeeb Aadmi Ho, Kuch Kahoge Bhi Ya Yun Hi Gunge Bane Rahoge?
Meri Toh Kismat Hi Phooti Ki Tum Jais Aadmi Mila.
Bolte-Bolte Bechaari Kalpane Bhi Lagi.

Itne Mein Ek Aadmi Bike Wala Aakar Ruka Aur Pucha: Bhai Saab, Kuch Help Karun Kya?

Pati: Bhai Saab, Badi Meharbaani Hogi Agar Aap Meri Patni Se Thodi Der Baatein Kar Lein... Taaki Mein Ye Tyre Change Kar Sakoon...
----------  
Pappu and Maggi Noodles
Interviewer: Agar 2 minute ke liye aapko pradhanmantri bana diya jaye toh aap kya karenge???

Pappu: Hum Maggi noodles banayenge.

Interviewer: Why???

Pappu: Kyunki 2 minute mein toh sirf Maggi hi ban sakti hai.

Interviewer: Aur agar 5 saal ke liye bana diya jaye toh???

Pappu: Hum 5 saal ke liye pradhanmantri nahin banenge.

Interviewer: Why???

Pappu: Arre mam, itni Maggi kaun khayega?
----------



An Angry Mom
Ek Baar Ek Aurat Haath Mein Hathoda Liya Apne Bete Ke School Mein Pahunchi Aur Chaprasi Se Puchne Lagi: Gupta Madam Ki Class Kaun Si Hai?

Haath Mein Hathoda Dekhkar Chaprasi Ne Darte Hua Pucha: Kya Hua Behanji, Kyun Puch Rahi Hain Aap, Kya Kaam Hai?

Hathoda Hilaate Hui Vo Aurat Hui Boli: Arey Vo Mere Bete Ki Class Teacher Hai.

Chaprasi Ne Daudkar Gupta Madam Ke Paas Gaya Aur Batay Ki Ek Aurat Haath Mein Hathoda Liye Gusse Mein Unhe Dhoondh Rahi Hai.

Ye Sunkar Gupta Madam Ke Hosh Ud Gaye. Vo Phataphat Principal Ke Paas Gayi Aur Aurat Waali Baat Bataai.

Principal Daudta Hua Us Aurat Ke Paas Gaya Darte Hue, Bade Hi Respect Se Bola: Krpya Kar Ke Aap Shaant Ho Jaaiye.

Aurat: Mein Shaant Hi Hoon. Aap Bas Mujhe Ye Batao Ki Gupta Madam Ki Class Kahan Hai?

Principal Bola: Aap Mujhe Bataiye Ki Baat Kya Hai?

Aurat: Baat Kuch Bhi Nahin Hai. Mujhe Bas Gupta Madam Ki Class Mein Jaana Hai.

Principal: Lekin Kyun? Hua Kya Hai?

Aurat: Kyunki Mujhe Wahan Us Bench Ki Keel Thokna Hai Jis Par Mera Beta Baithta Hai. Kal Vo School Se Teesri Pant Phaadkar Aaya Hai.

----------  
Maa Kya Hoti Hai?
Ek khoobsurat rishte ka naam hai Maa.

Yeh Maa hi hai jo apne bachchon ko subah uthaati aur kehti hai...

Uth jao kanjron, 10 baj rahe hain, kutton ki tarah pade rahte ho, tumahre baap ne naukar nahi rakkhe hain jo tumhein nashta bana kar denge. Zindagi haraam kar rakhi hai kameeno ne. Kaam ke na kaaj ke dushman anaaj ke...

Note: Har "Maa" wale msg emotional nahin hote.
Maa kabhi kabhi frustrated bhi toh ho sakti hai.
----------  
Santa in USA
Ek Baar Santa USA Ghumne Gaya. Wahan Ek Din Jab Santa Shopping Kar Raha Tha Tabhi 1 Building Mein Aag Lag Gayi.

Santa Fire Brigade Waalon Se Bola: Tum Logon Ko Neeche Phenko, Main Sabko Catch Karunga!

Pehle 1 Ladka Aaya, Phir Ek Ladki. Phir Ek Aadmi, Phir Ek Aurat.

Santa Ne Sabko Pakad Liya.

Phir Ek Negro Aaya, Toh Santa Ne Chhod Diya!!!

Jab Fire Brigade Walon Ne Santa Se Poocha Ki Usne Negro Ko Kyun Nahin Pakda Toh Santa Bola: Abe Saalo, Jo Jal Gaye Hain Unko Toh Mat Phenko!!!
----------  
Bechaara Santa!!!
Santa Apni Wife Ke Saath Ek Party Mein Gaya.
Thodi Der Ke Baad Wife Ne Dekha Ki Santa Ek Sundar Si Mahila Se Bahut Ghul-Milkar Muskuraate Hue Baatein Kar Rahaa Thaa.
Wife Ne Dheere Se Santa Ke Kaan Mein Jaakar Kaha: Lautate Samay Kisi Medical Store Se Hote Hue Chalenge.
Santa: Kyon ? Kya Lena Hai ?
Wife: Marham-Patti Kaa Saamaan.
Santa: Par Kis Liye ?
Wife: Ghar Pahunch Kar Tumhaari Choton Par Lagaane Ke Liye....
Santa: Par Mujhe Toh Koi Chot Nahin Lagi Hai !!!
Wife: Abhi Hum Ghar bhi Kahaan Pahunche Hain....!!!!

Ek Baar Santa Ne Socha Ki Apni Wife Ko Ek Surprise Diya Jaye Toh Usne Wife Ko Bina Bataye Nayi Car Khareed Li.
Ghar Pahunchte Hi Santa Ne Excitement Ke Maare Darwaaje Se Hi Awaaj Laga Di: Yaar Sunti Ho, Aaj Tumhaara Barson Ka Sapna Poora Ho Gaya!
Biwi Daudti Hui Kitchen Se Bahar Aayi Aur Shock Mein Chillai: Haye, Haye!!!! Kya Ho Gaya Saasu Maa ko?????

Santa Apni Wife Ko Cherte Huye Bola: Maine Tumhe Bina Dekhe Shadi Ki, Can you believe that?
Wife: Aur Meri Himmat Toh Dekho, Maine Tumhe Dekhne Ke Baad Bhi Tumse Shadi Ki.

Santa Ki Wife Ne Ambulance Ke Liye Phone Kiya. Operator Ne Pucha: Madam, Kya Takleef Hai Aapko?
Santa's Wife: Vo Table Ki Thokar Se Mere Pair Ki Ungli Mein Thodi Si Lag Gayi Hai.
Operator: Ye Kya Mazaak Hai Madam!!! Itni Choti Si Baat Ke Liye Bhi Koi Ambulance Bulaata Hai???
Santa's Wife: Nahin Bhaisaab!!! Ambulance Mujhe Apne Liye Nahin, Apne Husband Ke Liye Chahiye.... Vo Darasal Jab Mujhe Lagi Toh Unki Hasi Nikal Gayi Thi....
----------



Overspeeding!
Traffic police chalaan book nikaal ke bola: Naam bol?

Ladka: Galti ho gaya Sir...

Police: Naam Bol.

Ladka: Sorry sir, is baar jane do... dobara nahi hoga.

Police: Naam kya hai.

Ladka: Trikulavattyy Thekkeparambli Venkateshwara Swami.

Police (book band karke): Theek hai, agli baar gaadi dheere chalana!
----------  
Santa & Jeeto Ke Kisse
Jeeto Ne Apni Kaam Waali Baai Ko Apna Ek Purana Suit De Diya.
2 Din Baad Kaam Waali Gusse Se: Maalkin, Ye Pakdo Apna Suit Mujhe Nahi Chahiye.
Jeeto: Kya Hua Re Tujhe... Suit Lekar Toh Bade Shouk Se Gayi Thi, Ab Kya Ho Gaya?
Kaam Waali: Hona Kya Hai Maalkin Jab Mein Ye Suit Pehan Ke Aati Hun Toh Sahab Aap Ho Samajh Kar Meri Taraf Dhyaan Bhi Nahi Dete, Aur... Aur.... Jeeto: Aur Kya???
Kaam Waali: Aur Driver Peeche Se Aakar Lipat Jaata Hai.

Santa Subha Office Ke Liye Tayaar Ho Raha Tha.
Santa Apni Wife, Jeeto Se Bola: Jeeto, Meri Blue Wali Shirt Kahan Hai?
Jeeto: Oh Sorry Ji, Wo Toh Aaj Mere Se Jal Gayi.
Santa: Chal Koi Na, Mere Paas Waisi Ek Aur Bhi Hai, Wo Le Aa.
Jeeto: Pata Hai Ji, Maine Usmein Se Kapda Kaat Ke Pehle Wali Mein Laga Diya Hai.

Santa Ke Ghar Aag Lagne Par Uski Patni Ki Kuch Body Jal Gayi.
Santa Usko Shehar Ke Mashoor Surgeon Ke Paas Le Gaya.
Santa: Doctor Sahab, Plastic Surgery Karvane Mein Kitna Kharcha Aayega?
Doctor: Sab Mila Ke Lagbhag 10 Lakh.
Santa Kuch Soch Kar Bola: Doctor Sahab, Aur Agar Plastic Hum De Toh?
----------  
Pathan Ka Dushman!
Pathan: Wo jo table pe aadmi baitha hai us se hamara dushmani hai.
Dost: Table pe toh 4 aadmi hain.

Pathan: Wo jiski muchhein hain.

Dost: Muchhein to sub ki hain.

Pathan: Wo jis ne safed kapre pehan rakhe hain.

Dost: Wo toh sub ke safed hain.

Pathan ne gusse mein pistol nikala aur 3 aadmion ko goli maar di aur bola: Wo jo reh gaya hai usko hum nahi chhorega.
----------  
Facebook vs WhatsApp
Husband-Wife's Facebook and WhatsApp life...

On 'WhatsApp'

Wife: Ghar kab aa rahe ho???

Husband: Pata nahi dimaag mat khao... bahut kaam hai aaj...

On 'Facebook'

Wife: Dear when will you be back... you are the best husband in the world... miss you!!! Come back soon.

Husband: Thanks for being there always... so lucky to have a wonderful wife like you!!! Will be back soon honey.
----------


Proper Procedure
Bank mein customer ne cheque dete hue poochha: Madam yeh kitne dino mein clear ho jaayega.

Madam: Kam se kam do-teen din lagenge.

Customer: Lekin madam itna time kyon lagega? Jis bank ka cheque maine diya hai woh to saamne waali duilding mein hi hai.

Madam (Bade hi shaant swar mein): Sir main aapko kaise samjhun, procedure to follow karna hi padta hai na. Maan leejiye ki aap shamshaan ke saamne hi mar jaate hain to ghar waale aapki laash ko ghar le jaayenge ya wahin saamne nipta denge. Boliye?

Customer behosh!
----------  
English and Hindi always Contradict
English and Hindi always Contradict...

English: The sooner the better...
Hindi: Jaldi ka kaam shaitaan ka hota hai...

English: Think of the devil, and the devil is here...
Hindi: Badi lambi umar hai tumhari, abhi tumhe hi yaad kar rahe the...

English: Don't wait, fight for your rights...
Hindi: Sabr ka fal meetha hota hai...

...and the most striking of all,
English: As wise as an owl...
Hindi: Ullu ka Pattha...
----------  
Wrong Sign Board!
Ek Ghane Jungle Se Gujarti Hui Sadak Ke Kinaare Ek Gyani Guru Apne Chele Ke Saath Ek Signboard Lagaa Kar Baithe Huye The, Jis Par Likha Thaa:
Thahariye... Aapka Ant Nikat Hai ! Is Se Pehle Ki Bahut Der Ho Jaaye, Rukiye !!! Hum Aapka Jeevan Bacha Sakte Hain !

Ek Car Badi Tezi Se Wahaan Se Gujri. Chele Ne Driver Ko Board Padhne Ke Liye Ishaara Kiya.

Car Driver Ne Board Kee Taraf Dekhkar Aur Gaali Dee Aur Chele Se Yah Kahte Hue Nikal Gaya: Tum Log Yahan Jungle Mein Bhi Dhandha Kar Rahe Ho. Sharam Aani Chaahiye Tumko!

Chele Ne Badi Asahaye Nazron Se Guruji Ki Taraf Dekhta Hai.

Guruji Bole: Jaise Prabhu Ki Ichchha !

Kuchh Hi Der Mein Brakes Ke Cheekhne Kee Aawaaz Aayi Aur Jordaar Dhamaaka Hua.

Thodi Der Baad Ek Mini Truck Wahaan Se Gujra. Uska Driver Bhi Chele Ko Dutkarte Hue Aage Chalaa Gaya.

Kuchh Samay Ke Baad Phir Brakes Ke Cheekhne Kee Aawaaz Aur Fir Dhadaam !

Guruji Phir Bole: Jaisi Prabhu Kee Ichchha !

Ab Chele Se Nahi Rahaa Gaya Aur Bola: Guruji Prabhu Ki Ichchha Toh Theek Hai Par Kaisa Rahe Yadi Ham Is Board Par Seedhe-Seedhe Likh Dein Ki:
AAGE PULIYA TOOTI HUI HAI !!!
----------  
Santa Ke Latife
Santa Pehli Baar Train Mein Safar Kar Raha Tha. Uski Nazar Ek Signboard Pe Padti Hai Jis Pe Warning Likhi Thi:
Bina Ticket Safar Karne Wale Yaatri Hoshiyaar!!!!!!
Santa: Waah ji Waah... Aur Humne Ticket Li Toh Hum Bewakoof???

Santa: Insaan Ko Zindagi Mein Koi Bhi Problem Ho Toh Kiske Paas Jaana Chahiye?
Banta: Kisaan Ke Paas!
Santa: Kyun?
Banta: Kyunki Uske Paas 'HAL' Hota Hai!

Santa Aur Jeeto Ek Shadi Jaate Hain, Wahan DJ Par Gana Baj Raha Tha: Jisko Dance Nahin Karna Vo Jaa Ke Apni Bhains Charaye.
Sanat Jeeto Se Kehta Hai: Oye Jeeto, Chal Yaar Khaana Khaate Hain.

School Ke Peechey Ke Talaab Mein Headmaster Ji Doob Rahe The...
Pappu Ne Vo Nazara Dekha Aur Bhagte Hue Chillane Laga: Kal Chhutti Hai... Kal Chhutti Hai...

Santa went out to buy an Indian flag. The shop owner gave him the flag.
Guess what did he ask next... Bhaisaab, Ismein Aur Colour Dikhaiye.


----------


Is This My Lucky Day...
Pappu Apne Flat Mein Akela Rehta tha. Ek Shaam Vo Apni Car Mein Bazaar Mein Ghoom Rahaa Tha Ki Tabhi Uski Ek Hot Colleague Ka Message Aaya, Jismein Likha Tha: Mummy-Papa Baahar Gaye Hain. Mujhe Akele Dar Lagta Hai. Agar Aapko Pareshani Na Ho Toh Aaj Raat Sone Ke Liye Aapke Flat Pe Aa Jaun???

Message Dekhte Hi Pappu Ne Socha Wah Kya Kismat Aaj. Vo Phauran Gaadi Side Pe Lagata Hai Aur Khushi Khushi, Excitment Mein Reply Type Karne Lagta Hai: Yes Sure! Pareshaani Waali Koi Baati Nahin... You're Welcome !

Isse Pehle Ki Paappu Message Bhej Pata, Ek Jhapatmar Ne Gaadi Ke Andar Haath Daala Aur Mobile Chheen Kar Bhaag Khada Hua...

Pappu Gaadi Se Utra Aur Us Jjapatmar Ke Peechhe Bhaagte Huye Chillaya: Send Ka Button Dabaa De... Kutte....... Send Ka Button... Kamineeee...... Tujhe Tere Poore Khaandaan Ki Kasam.... Ek Baar Send Dabaa De Yaar... Mobile Tu Hi Rakh Le but Send Ka Button Daba De.... Tere Haath Jodta Hun..... Send Daba De Mere Baaapppp...
----------  
Miss You!!!
Patni Ne Apne Maike Se Pati Ko Phone Kiya Aur Pucha: Kaise Ho?

Pati: Theek-Theek Hun Jaanu. You Know... Tumhaare Bina... Tum Batao, Tum Kaisi Ho?

Patni: Main Bhi Theek Hun. Meri Yaad Aati Hai? Kya Karte Ho Jab Meri Yaad Aati Hai Toh?

Pati: Arey Jaanu, Bahut Yaad Aati Hai Tumhaari. Aur Jab Bhi Tumhe Miss Karta Hun Tab Main Tumhaari Pasand Ki Ice-cream, Kesar-Pista Kha Leta Hun Ya Tumhaari Pasand Ki Chocolate Kha Leta Hun... TV Pe Koi Serial Dekh Leta Hun... Aur Meri Yaad Aane Pe Tum Kya Karti Ho?

Patni: Mein Bhi TV Pe Match Laga Ke, Bagpiper Ka Quarter Le Leti Hun, 4-5 Cigarettes Phoonkti Hun Aur 1-2 Rajnigandha Kha Leti Hun...
----------  
Facebook Status and Comments
A Girl's Facebook status: Travelled in Bus after long time.

Comments Left by Male friends:
1) Awww, so sweet...!!!

2) May be nextime will go together sweetie...!!!

3) Wow, I want to experience it...!!!

4) You went without me...? x-(

5) Wonderful dear...!!!

6) Superlike!!!

A Boy's Facebook status: Travelled in Bus after a long time...

Comments Left by same Male friends:
1) Haan toh saale hum kya kare...?

2) Bas yehi teri aukat hai...!!!

3) Kamine ab auto mai bhi jaiga toh status update karega kya...???

4) Baap ko bol kam se kam cycle lekar de...!!!

5) Usi bus ka conductor ban ja kutte.

6) Ticket kharida ki nahi Bhikhari ?
----------  
Drunken Driving
2 Dost Daaru Pee Ke Apni Gaadi Se Gahr Jaa Rahe The.

Tabhi Ek Dost Chillaya, "Deewar... Abbe Samne Dekh Deewar Hai.... Deewar... Dewaar Dekh Kamine......"

Aur Itne Mein... Dhadaaaaam!!!!

They Hit The Wall.

The next day in the Hospital 1st asked 2nd, "Mein Chilla chilla Ke Bol Raha Tha Deewar Hai Deewar Hai... Suna Kyun Nahi Tu Ne??? Peene Ke Baad Agar Drive Nahin Kar Sakta Toh Batana Chahiye Tha Yaar!!!"

2nd answered him, "Abe Bewde...... Gaadi Tu Chala Raha Tha...!!!"
----------



Gas and Flatulence
Ek Adami Ko Gas Ki Problem Thi. Vo Bahut Pareshaan Tha. Na Kahin Aata Tha Na Kahin Jaata Tha.

Ek Baar Kisi Vajah Se Usko Apni Sister Ke Ghar Jaana Padta Hai.

Sister Ke Ghar Jaate Samaye Raaste Mein Sochne Laga Ki Apne Bhanje Ke Liye Kya Le Ke Jaun? Phir Ek Dukaan Se Kuch Biscuits Aur Chocolates Le Li.

Ghar Pahunchte He Bhanje Ne Dekha Toh Khush Ho Ke Mama Aa Gaye, Mama Aa Gaye Bolta Hua Daudkar Mama Ke Paas Aaya.

Mama Ne Apni Pocket Se Biscuit Nikalkar Jaise He Use Dene Ke Liye Jhuke, Toh Jor Ke Aawaj Ke Saath Gas Nikal Gayi.

Ab Ye Toh Musibat Ho Gayi. Vo 5 Saal Ka Bachcha Biscuit Phenk Kar Neeche Late Kar Zor-Zor Se Rone Laga.

Mama Ne Use Uthakar Puchha: Kya Huya Kyun Ro Rahe Ho?

To Bachcha Aur Bhi Zor Se Rone Laga.

Mama Ne Use Uthakar, Bade Pyar Se Pucha: Kya Hua Beta? Ro Kyun Rahe Ho? Biscuits Nahin Chahiye? Chocolate Loge Kya?

Bhanja Rote Huye Bola: Humko Biscuit Aur Chocolate Nahin Chahiye. Humko Vo Pipudee Chahiye Jo Aapane Abhi-Abhi Bajaayee Hai!
----------  
Santa Jokes
Santa dials a number, a Girl answered.
Santa: Hello... Kaun?
Girl: Main Seeta...
Sardar: O Teri!!! Yeh Toh Ayodhya Lag Gaya... Sorry Maaate... !!!

Santa: Yaar Banta... 'I am going' Ka Matlab Kya Hota Hai?
Banta: Main Ja Raha Hoon...
Santa: Abe Aise Kaise Jaayega... Saala 20 Logon Se Puchh Chuka Hun, Sab Chale Gaye... Answer Bata Ke Jaa!!!

Santa Ko Dast Lag Gaye. Wo Doctor Ko Dikhane Gaya.
Doctor Ne Kaha Nimbu Ka Istemaal Karo!
2 Din Baad.
Doctor: Ab Dast Kaise Hain?
Santa: Nimbu Hatate Hi Phir Shuru Ho Jaate Jain!!!
----------  
Auto Refill
Santa Ko Beach Pe Sair Karte Hu Ek Bottle Milti Hai. Vo Usko Uthakar Jaise Hi Uska Dhakkan Kholta Hai, Ek Jinn Prakat Hota Hai Aar Kehta Hai, "Tumne Mujhe Is Bottle Se Azaad Kiya Hai, Mein Tumhe 3 Wishes Deta Hun, Maang Lo Jo Bhi Maangana Hai!"

Sanat Phataak Se Bolta Hai, "O Yaar Bahut Pyaas Lagi Hai.... Tu Aisa Kar Pehle Ek Beer Ka Can De De, Baaki Baad Mein Soch Ke Batata Hun...

And poof! there was a Can of Beer in his hand. Santa Jhat Se Beer Pee Leta Aur Jaise Hi Can Phainkane Lagta Hai Jinnn Kehta Hai, "Oye, Phainkane Se Pehle Is Can Ko Ek Baar Chek Toh Kar Le...

He did and watched as it magically refilled itself with Beer. Santa Hairaani Se, "Kamaal Hai Yaar, Ye Toh Phir Se Bhar Gayi...

"That's a magic can. Jab Bhi Tum Ise Khaali Karoge Ye Apne Aap Phir Se Bhar Jayegi." Santa Puchta Hai, "Matlab Ke Ye Kabhi Khaali Nahin Hogi???" Jinn Kehta Hai, "Kabhi Nahin. Aur Batao Santa ji, Aur Kya Chahiye... Apni Baaki ki 2 Wishs Batao"

Santa grinned, "Oye Yaar, Aur Kuch Nahi Chahiye... Bas Aise 2 Can Aur De De... Kamaal Ke Can Hain Ye.....!!!!"
----------  
Free Bhindi
Manmohan Singhji Sabji Kharidne Gaye.
Manmohan Singhji: Bhai Sahab, Ye Bhindi Kya Bhaav Hai?
Sabjiwala: Ab Rulaoge Kya? Free Mein Le Jao, Pehli Baar Awaaz Suni Hai Apki...

Narendra Modi Sabji Kharidne Gaye.
Narendra Modi: Bhai, Ye Bhindi Kya Bhaav Hai?
Sabjiwala: Ab Rulaoge Kya??? Muft Mein Le Jao Sir ji, Jab Se Aap PM Bane Hain, Uske Baad Pehli Baar Aapko India Mein Dekha Hai!!!

Rahul Gandhi Sabji Kharidne Gaya.
Rahul Gandhi: Bhaiya, Ye Bhindi Kya Bhaav Hai?
Sabjiwala: Ab Rulaega Kya Pagle??? Muft Mein Le Ja Aur Ye Bhindi Nahin Matar Hain!!!

Do You Know Ye Sabjiwaala Kaun Tha?
Ab Tum Log Mil Ke Rulaoge Kya?
Arey Yaar Itna Sab Muft Mein Kejriwal Ke Ilawa Kaun De Sakta Hai???
----------



Sasural Hai Ya Ghar ?
Ek Ladki Ki Nayi Nayi Shaadi Hui...

Bahu Ka Mann Udaas Na Ho Issliye Sab Gharwaalon Ne Socha Uska Khaas Khayal Rakhenge...

Subah-Subah Hi Sasur Bole: Aaj Se Tum Meri Bahu Nahi Beti Ho...

Shaam Ko Saas Bhi Boli: Aaj Se Tum Meri Bahu Nahi Beti Ho...

Phir Nanad Boli: Aaj Se Aap Meri Badi Bahen Ho...
Shaam Ko Jab Pati Lauta Toh Bahu Boli: Maa Ji... Babu Ji.... Bhaiyaa Aa Gaye... Didi... Bhaiyaa Aa Gaye...
----------  
Ransom Call...
Ek admi ki wife kidnap ho jaati hai aur kidnappers uske husband ko phone lagate hai:

Agar aaj raat tak paise na diye toh tumhari biwi ko maar denge!

Husband khamosh raha.........

Agle din phir phone aya: Agar aaj raat tak paise na diye toh tumhari biwi kje tukde-tukde kar ke cheel-kauwon ko khila denge!

Husband khamosh raha.........

Agle din phir phone aya: Agar aaj raat tak paise na diye toh tumhari biwi tumhe sahi-salamat lkauta di jayegi!!!

Husband: Paise bol kaminey, darata kisko hai....???
----------  
Kolhu Ka Bail...
Ek Eingineer Ko Yeh Dekh Kar Badi Hairat Hui Ki Andar Ke Kamre Mein Ek Bail Kolhu Kheench Raha Hai Aur Teli Bahar Baitha Chilam Pee Raha Hai.

Engineer Ne Teli Se Poocha: Agar Bail Ruk Jaaye Toh Tumhe Pata Tak Nahin Chalega.

Teli: Pata Chal Jayega Engineer Sahab, Uske Gale Mein Bandhi Hui Ghanti Ki Awaaz Aana Bhi Ruk Jayegi.

Engineer Ne Ek Minute Socha Aur Phir Bola: Achcha, Agar Yeh Ek Jagah Khada Hokar Bas Apna Sir Hilaata Rahe Toh Ghanti Bajti Rahegi Aur Tumh Samjhoge Ki Bail Chal Raha Hai.

Teli Ne Badi Shaanti Se Jawaab Diya: Engineer Sahab, Hamare Bail Ne B-Tech Nahin Kiya Hai...
----------  
Santa & Banta vs Viswanathan Anand
Santa and Banta were playing chess...
(joke doesn't end here).

Santa: Chal yaar bas karte hain, pak raha hai.

Banta: Haan yaar, waise bhi tera sirf haathi bacha hai aur mera sirf ghoda.

The joke doesn't end here either...

Phir wahan Viswanathan Anand aata hai.

Vishy: Chalo Santa-Banta, chess khelte hain.

Santa-Banta: Nahi, aap to hume aasani se hara doge.

Vishy: Chalo yaar. Tum dono aur me akela.

Santa-Banta: Phir bhi hum haar jayenge.

Vishy: Okay, mai left hand se khelunga.

Ssnts-Banta: Haan. Phir thik hai.

The joke still doesn't end...

Dono obviously haar jate hai aur Vishy chala jata hai.

Santa: Badi sharmanaak baat hai, yaar. Left hand se bhi hara diya usne.

Banta: Abe bewkoof bana gaya woh hume.

Santa: Kaise?

Banta: Saala lefty hi hoga...
----------


Guess What...
Ek Larki interview dene gayi.

Boss: Batao wo kaunsi cheez hai jis ke 2 tyres hotey hain ??

Larki: Bike !

Boss: Nahin, it's Honda bike. Chalo ek aur sawal, wo kaunsi cheez hai jis ke 4 tyres hotey hain ?

Larki: Car !

Boss: Nahin, it's Toyota car.

Larki: Chal ab aap merey sawal ka jawab do! Wo kaunsi cheez hai jo dikhney main white hai aur us ke beech main ek kala circle hota hai ?

Boss: Hehehe !! Aankh.

Larki: Nahi, teri Maan ki Aankh!!!
----------  
Aap Chutiye Hain!
1. Agar aap Black Goggles, pistol aur fuddu se Coat mein apna DP set karte hai to aap cool nahi @aapchutiyehain.

2. Mall ke andar shades pehen kar ghoomne wale, jo apne aap aapko dude samajhte hain krupa dhyan de Aap dude nahi @AapChutiyeHain.

3. Daru pi ke har jagah ulti karne wale "experienced" drinker, everybody at the party knows ki @AapChutiyeHain.

4. Agar aap apni crush se uske paanch baar please bolne pe rakhi bandhwane ko tayyar ho jaate hain, toh kasam Rakhi Sawant ki, @AapChutiyeHain.

5. Apne birthdayy pe party nahi dene wale dost, agar aaj mere birthday pe party maangte ho to, aapke birthday cake pe bhi yahi likha hoga @aapchutiyehain.

6. Agar apko lagta hai ki Office Mail mein 'As soon as possible' likhne se kaam jaldi ho jaayega, toh MS Outlook ki kasam @AapChutiyeHain.

7. Agar aap GYM ke liye 40k 'upfront' dete hain or 1st floor ke liye bhi lift ka upyog kartey hain toh Adnaan Saami bhi kahega @AapChutiyeHain.

8. Agar aap bhari hui Mumbai local mein ipad nikaal ke temple run khelne khade ho jaate hein toh Steve jobs bhi kahega @AapChutiyeHain.

9. Agar aap apni splendour ka silencer nikalwa ke sochte hai ab wo sports bike type lagegi toh mechanic bhi kahega @AapChutiyeHain.
----------  
Bechara Doctor...
Doctor: Tabiyat kaisi hai ab?
Mareej: Pahle se jyada kharaab hai?

Doctor: Dawai kha li thi?
Mareej: Khali nahi thi bhari hui thi.

Doctor: I mean dawai le li thi?
Mareej: Ji aap hi se toh li thi.

Doctor: Bewakoof dawai pee li thi?
Mareej: Nahi ji dawai neeli thi.

Doctor: Abe gadhe dawai ko pee liya tha?
Mareej: Nahi ji peeliya to mujhe tha.

Doctor: Ullu ke patthe dawai ko khol k muh me rakh liya tha?
Mareej: Nahi aap hi ne to kaha tha ki fridge me rakhna.

Doctor: Abe kya mar khayega?
Mareej: Nahi dawai khaunga.

Doctor: Nikal sale, tu pagal kar dega.
Mareej: Ja raha hun, par phir kab aaun?
Doctor: Kayamat ke baad.
Mareej: Kayamat ke kitne din baad?
Doctor behosh......
----------  
Janta Maaf Nahi Karegi!
Whatsapp par 2 km lambe message bhejne waalon, tumhe Janta maaf nahi karegi.

John Abraham ko comedy film me cast karne waalon, tumhe Janta maaf nahi karegi.

Har hafte Adobe update nikaalne wale logon, tumhe Janta maaf nahi karegi.

Good morning ko Guuddd Morningggg..!!! Likhne waalon, tumhe Janta maaf nahi karegi.

Good Night bol ke bhi online rehne waalon,tumhe Janta maaf nahi karegi.

Price tag ke aagey Only lagane waalon, tumhe Janta maaf nahi karegi.

Chilar ki jagah, Eclairs dene waalon, tumhe Janta maaf nahi karegi.

Har movie se pehle gutka mukesh ki ad dikhane waalon, tumhe Janta maaf nahi karegi.

Ladkon ki reply par hmmm... likhne wali ladkiyon, tumhe Janta maaf nahi karegi.

"I love you but as a friend" kehne wali ladkiyon, tumhe Janta maaf nahi karegi.

Har hafte set max par Sooryavansham dikhane waalon ,tumhe Janta maaf nahi karegi.

Sunny Leone ko sari pehnaane waalon, tumhe Janta maaf nahi karegi.

Android per BBM use karne waalon, tumhe Janta maaf nahi karegi.
----------


Banta Ka Affair
Ek Baar Banta Apni Premika K Saath Park Mein Bahon Mein Bahein Daalkar Baitha Hua Tha Aur Badi Hi Romantic Aur Pyaar Bhari Baatein Kar Raha Tha.

Tabhi Wahan Ek Policewala Aaya Aur Banta Se Bola: Aapko Sharam Nahin Aati, Aap Ek Samajhdar Admi Hote Hue Bhi Yaha Park Mein Khule Aam Aisi Harkatein Kar Rahe Hain?

Banta: Dekhiye Hawaldar Sahab, Aap Galat Samajh Rahe Hain, Jaisa Aap Soch Soch Rahe Hain Vaisa Kuch Bhi Nahin Hai.

Hawaldar: Toh Phir Kaisa Hai?

Banta: Ji Hum Dono Shaadi-Shuda Hain.

Hawaladar: Agar Tum Shadi-Shuda Ho Toh Phir Yeh Pyar Bhairi Baatein Apne Ghar Pe Kyun Nahin Karte?

Banta: Darasal Vo Aisa Hai Hawaldar Sahab Ki Hum Toh Kar Lein Lekin Meri Patni Aur Inke Pati Ko Shayad Achcha Na Lage...
----------  
Janata Maaf Nahin Karegi
'Janata Maaf Nahin Karegi' Bankers Version: Totally related to your daily BELOVED customers..

ATM Card Hote Hue Bhi Branch Mein Gardi Karne Walon Tumhe Janata Maaf Nahi Karegi.

100 Rs Ke Liye 10 Lacs Ka Attitude Dikhane Walon Tumhe Janata Maaf Nahi Karegi.

Entry Karne Pure Mohalle Ke Passbook Lane Walon Tumhe Janata Maaf Nahi Karegi.

50 Lacs Balance Hote Hue Bhi 100 Rs Service Charges Deduction Pe Rone Walon Tumhe Janata Maaf Nahi Karegi.

Ek Branch Mein Cheque Deposit Karke Dusre Branch Mein Enquiry Karne Walon Tumhe Janata Maaf Nahi Karegi.

Without 15G/15H Bharke TDS Deduction Pe Rone Walon Tumhe Janata Maaf Nahi Karegi.

Cheque/Withdrawal Slip Pe Khud Ke Galat Sign Karne Walon Tumhe Janata Maaf Nahi Karegi.

RTGS/NEFT Par Khud Galat Information Dekar Bank Staff Par Chillane Walon Tumhe Janata Maaf Nahi Karegi.

Without Reason Counter Pe Ainvey Hi Khade Rehne Walon Tumhe Janata Maaf Nahi Karegi.

Branch Mein Naye Staff Ki History-Geography Puchne Walon Tumhe Janata Maaf Nahi Karegi.

Just Passbook Entry Ke Liye Over Hyper Hone Walon Tumhe Janata Maaf Nahi Karegi.

Counter Time Khatam Hone Par Bhi 'Bank Chalu Hai Kya?' Puchne Walon Tumhe Janata Maaf Nahi Karegi.

And This One is Best:
Loan Lekar Usse NPA Banane Walon Tumhe Janata Maaf Nahi Karegi.
----------  
Sher Ki Sawaari!
Pappu: Papa circus dekhney chaley???

Santa: No!!! I am busy.

Pappu: Us mein ek ladki ne bina kapdon ke sher pe sawari ki hai.

Santa: Bahut ziddi ho gaye ho.... har baat zidd karke manvate he lete ho.... Chalo chalta hun tumhaare liye. Vaise bhi bahut din huey sher nahin dekha....!!!!!

Santa ne sabse aage waali row ki seats ki ticket le li... Lion show aaya, 3-4 lions aaye, ladkiyaan bhi aayi but jis ladki ka Santa kointezaar tha vo nahin aayi. Phir Lion show khatam ho gaya aur kuch time ke baad Circus bhi khatam ho gayi...

Santa: Oye Pappu, tumne toh kaha tha ki ek ladki bina kapdon ke aayegi?

Pappu: Bina kapdo ke toh sher tha, ladki nahi... Papa maine jo kaha vo dobara padho!!!
----------  
Facebook Freak!
Teacher: Tum bade hokar kya karoge?
Student: Facebooking Karunga !!

Teacher: Nahi, mera matlab hai kya banoge?
Student: Facebook pages ka Admin banunga.

Teacher: Ohoo, I mean bade hokar kya hasil karoge?
Student: Facebook Admin Rights.

Teacher: IDIOT! Mera matlab bade ho kar mummy papa ke liye kya karoge?
Student: Facebook par Page bnaunga 'I MOM & DAD'

Teacher: Stupid tumhare papa tumse kya chahte hain ?
Student: Mere Facebook ka Pasword.

Teacher: Oh God, tumari zindagi ka kya maksad hai?
Student: Facebook, but never Face your Book.
----------


Army Training Ke Dauran...
Officer ne Santa se pucha: Ye Haath me kya hai?

Santa: Sir, Banduk hai...!

Officer: Ye Banduk Nahi! Tumhari Izzat hai, Shaan hai, Ye Tumhari MAA hai MAA.!!

Phir Officer ne dusre sipahi, Banta se pucha: Ye Hath me kya hai?

Banta: Sir, ye Santa ki Maa hai, Uski Izzat hai, Uski Shaan hai aur Hamari bhi Maa jaisi hai, Maa jaisi...
----------  
ATM Instructions for Men & Women
Aapka Swagat Hai.
1. Apna Card Nikalein Aur ATM Mein Insert Karein.
2. Apna Card Bahar Nikalein.
3. Ab Apna Pin Number Type Karein.
4. Avashyak Amount Bharein.
5. Apna Amount Aur Receipt Collect Karein.
6. Atm Ka Use Karne Ke Liye Dhanyavaad.

For Ladies:
1. Hey Bhagwaan.
2. Apne Hand Bag Mein Rakha Saara Samaan Side Waale Table Pe Nikaal Ke Rakh Dein Taaki Aap Apna Card Asaani Se Dhoond Sakein.
3. Card Nikaalein Aur Atm Mein Daalein.
4. Ab Card Bahar Nikaalein Aur Dobara Sahi Tareeke Se Insert Karein.
5. Ab Table Par Pade Samaan Mein Se Vo Diary Nikaalein Jismein Aapne Apna Pin Code Likha Hai.
6. Hand Bag Mein Lage Mirror Mein Apna Make-Up Check Karein.
7. Diary Mein Likhe Pin Number Ke Ek-Ek Digit Ke Neeche Ungli Rakhte Hue Araam Se Entry Karein.
8. Bahar Line Mein Khade Gusse Mein Aa Chuke Logon Ko 2 Minute Rukne Ka Ishaara Karein.
9. Apni Passbook Nikaalein Jismein Aapke Last Transaction Ki Raseed Rakhi Hogi, Jis Se Aapke Account Mein Present Balance Pata Chal Sake.
10. Required Amount Ko Carefully Entry Karein.
11. Paise Collect Karein Aur Achchi Tarah Gin Lein.
12. Raseed Collect Karein.
13. Ab Apne Phone Pe Trasaction Ka Message Check Karein.
14. Agar Message Aaya Hai Toh Raseed Se Tally Karein.
15. Agar Message Nahin Aaya Toh Apne Pati, Pita Ya Bhai Ko Yahin Se Phone Karke Batayein.
16. Apna Samaan Vaapas Apne Handbag Mein Daalein Aur Ek Baar Phir Apna Make-Up Check Karein.
17. Aapka Transaction Pura Hua.
18. Atm Use Karne Ke Liye Dhanyavaad.
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Indian Parents
22 EPIC things only Indian parents say. Read this...

1. Paise Ped Pe Nahi Ugte Hain.

2. Me: Mom, Can I go out for a late night party?
Mom: Ask Dad.
Dad: Ask Mom.

3. If you don''t reach home by 8 pm, then there's no need to come back.

4. If you don't study and make a career, you will become like him. *points to a homeless man...

5. Bete, abhi padh lo, baad mein aish hi aish hai...

6. Wait till you have Kids of You're own.

7. Isse Boarding school bhejenge tabhi sudherega.

8. Uncle Aunty ke Pair Chuo Beta... Aashirwaad Lo!

9. Kid: Mummy mere maths mein 90 aaye out of 100.
Mom: Class mein Highest marks kitney hain?

10. Go and study! Ye dost nahi aane vale tere exams dene.

11. Tumko hi sab pata hai... humne toh duniya dekhi hi nahi hai na.

12. Humari baat sun na kabse shuru karoge?

13. Kahaan hai laad sahab, ye koi time hai ghar aane ka ?

14. Ghus ja TV ke Andar... man of the match toh tujhe he milne wala hai!

15. Aunty ko thank you bolo... bolo... 'Thank you aunty' bolo...

16. Humare Time mein aise nahi hota tha.

17. Jab khud kamaoge toh pata chalega kitna mushkil hai kamana.

18. Kya tumhare dost bhi apne maa-baap se isi tarah baat karte hain?

19. Mein ek hi baat mein baar baar nahi bolungi. You're getting up or no? I'm asking youu one last time.

20. Beta, uncle ko woh dance kar ke dikhao, chalo dance kar ke dikhao. Haha, ab nahi kar raha, sharmila hai thoda.

21. Iske Par nikal aaye hain.

22. Dopahar mein bhi light kyu jalate ho?
----------  
Miscalculation!
Banta: Doctor Saab... Pait Mein Bahut Dard Ho Raha Hai.... Aahhh...

Doctor: Achcha Ye Batao Ki Akhri Baar Khaana Kab Khaya Tha?

Banta: Khana Toh Roz Hi...

Doctor: Achcha Achcha, (2 Ungli Uthathe Hue) Akhri Baar Kab Gaye The?

Banta: Ji, Jaata Toh Roz Hun Lekin Kuch Hota Nahin Hai...

Doctor: Theek Hai, Samajh Gaya.

Doctor Andar Se Ek Dawai Ki Bottle Aur Ek Calculator Leke Aaya Aur Banta Se Pucha: Ghar Kitni Dur Hai Tumhaara?

Banta: Ji Yahan Se 1 Km.

Doctor Ne Calculator Pe Kuch Hisaab Kiya Phir Bottle Se Chaar Spoon Dawai Nikal Kar Ek Katori Mein Daal Di.

Doctor: Paidal Aaye Ho Ya Kisi Vehicle Se?

Banta: Paidal.

Doctor: Jaate Waqt Bhaag Ke Jaana.

Doctor Ne Phir Kuch Calculate Kiya Aur Thodi Si Dawai Katori Se Nikaal Li.

Doctor: Aap Ka Ghar Kaun Se Floor Pe Hai?

Banta: 3Rd Floor Pe

Doctor Ne Phir Calculator Pe Kuch Hisaab Kiya Aur Phir Thodi Si Dawai Katori Se Nikaal Li.

Doctor: Lift Hai Ya Seedyion Se Jaoge?

Banta: Ji Seediyon Se Jaunga.

Doctor Ne Is Baar Bhi Kuch Calculations Karne K Baad Katori Se Thodi Si Dawai Bahar Nikaal Li.

Doctor: Ghar Ke Main Darwaaje Se Toilet Kitni Dur Hai?

Banta: Kareeb 25 Feet.

Doctor Ne Phir Se Kuch Hisaab Karne Ke Baad Thodi Si Dawai Katori Se Bahar Nikaal Li.

Doctor: Ab Pehle Meri Fees De Do Aur Phir Yeh Dawai Peekar Phataphat Ghar Chale Jao, Kahin Rukna Mat Aur Phir Mujhe Phone Kar Ke Batana.

Banta Ne Vaisa Hi Kiya.

Takreeban Aadhe Ghante Ke Baad Bana Ka Phone Aaya.

Doctor: Haan Banta Ji, Ho Gaya Clear Sab... Ab Dard Kaisa Hai... ?

Banta, Ek Dum Dheeli Awaaz Mein: Doctor Ji, Sab Saaf Bhi Ho Gaya Aur Ab Bilkul Bhi Dard Nahin Hai Lekin......

Doctor: Lekin!?!... Lekin Kya???

Banta: Ji Aap Ki Dawai Toh Bahut Hi Achchi Thi Lekin Calculator Theek Karwa Lena Apna... Hum Takreeban 50 Metre Se Haar Gaye...
----------



Sachcha Premi!
Ladka apni friend se:
Mere paas mere dost jaisi car nahi hai;
Par tumhein palkon pe baitha ke ghumaaunga.

Uske jaisa bada ghar nahi hai;
Par tumhein dil mein rakhunga.

Uske jitne paise nahi hain;
Par tumhein majdoori kar ke khilaunga.

Aur kya chahiye tumhein????

Ladki: Bas kar pagle ab rulayega kya...? Chal apne dost ka number de...
----------  
Guys vs Gals!
Ladka izhar-e-mohabat kary to ladki k ye 5 jawab ho saktay hain:

1) No...
2) Yes...
3) Aapko dost samjhti hun...
4) I m engaged...
5) I love someone else...

Aur ladki izhar-e-mohabat kary to lardke k 5 jawab ye hongay:

1) Haan...
2) Yes...
3) Ok...
4) Alright...
5) Me too...
Boyz ka dil, dil nahi darya hota hai.
----------  
Question Paper
Banta is a teacher and exam ke liye Question Paper banaya...
Paper dekhte hi saare bachche behosh ho gaye... Questions were:

1. 'China' kis Desh me hai ?

2. '15th Augusty' kis Date ko Aati hai ?

3. 'Green' colour kis rang ka Hota hai ?

4. 'Tamatar' ko Hindi may kya Bolte hai ?

5. 'Mumtaz' ki Qabar main Kon Dafan hai ?
----------  
Kiss or Pay!
Ek Ladki Apne Kamre Mein Badi Udaas Si Baithi Thi, Tabhi Uski Ek Friend Us Se Milne Aa Gayi.

Friend: Arey Yaar, Badi Udaas Si Lag Rahi Ho, Kya Baat Hai?

Ladki: Ab Kya Bataun Tujhe, Rehne De...

Friend: Please Bata Na, Share Karne Se Tera Man Halka Hoga...

Ladki: Kal Raat Mein Ek Party Mein Gayi Thi... Tabhi Se Man Kuch Ukhda-Ukhda Sa hai.

Friend: Aisa Kya Hua Party Mein, Kisi Ne Kuch Kaha Kya? Kisi Ne Tere Saath Badtameezi Ki Kya?

Ladki: Party Mein Humne Ek Game Khela, Jisme Har Ladki Ko Har Ladke Se Ek Question Puchna Tha, Aur Agar Kisi Ladke Ko Uska Answer Nahin Aata Ho Toh Vo Us Ladki Ko Ya Toh Kiss Karega Ya Phir 100 Rs Dega.

Friend: Ye Toh Bada Mazedaar Game Tha... Tumhe Kitne Kiss Mile??? Aur Vaise Ismein Udaas Hone Wali Kya Baat Hai???

Ladki: Kiss!!!?? Mere Paas 3000 Rs Ikatthe Ho Gaye...
----------


My Name is Sheila...
Ladka: Tumhaara naam kya hai?

Ladki: Kyun bataun? Main tumhe jaanti tak nahin.

Ladka: Theek hai, mat batao, main kaun sa tumhe apni BMW mein bitha raha hun.

Ladki: Mein Sheila hun, B.Com second year mein padti hun. Saamne waali gali mein seedhe haath ki tarf chauthe number pe ghar hai mera - House number 322B top floor. Ghar mein mummy, papa aur ek chota brother hai. Aur haan, shaam ko 6-8 baje tak tution jaati hun.

Ladka: Ok, thanks, jis din BMW lunga us din zaroor bithaunga.
----------  
Santa-Pappu Jokes
Zoo Mein Ek Sher Ne Santa Ko Maar-Maar Ke Zakhmi Kar Diya.
Logon Ne Hairan Hokar Sher Se Puchha: Arey Tum Toh Bade Seedhe-Sadhe Shareef The, Santa Ko Maar Maar Ke Kyu Zakhmi Kar Diya?
Sher Gusse Se Bola: Arey Saale Ne Dimag Kharab Kar Rakha Tha, Kitni Der Se Bole Jaa Raha Tha, Itni Badi Billi, Itni Badi Billi...

Girl-Friend Apne Boy-Friend Pappu Se: Maine Aaj Cheating Ki Hai.
Pappu Pehle Toh Thoda Sa Hairaan Hua Phir Chillate Hue Bola: Tho Main Kaunsa Tujhse Pyar Karta Hoon, Mein Bhi Toh 2 Saal Se Cheat Hi TohKar Raha Hoon.
Ladki Rone Lag Gayi, Aur Boli: Par Main To Exams Ki Baat Kar Rahi Thi.
Pappu: Ooohhhhhh Shitt.... Pehle Batana Tha Na.

Santa Petrol-Pump Par Scooter Leke Gaya Aur Bola: Bhai 10 Rupaye Ka Petrol Daal Do.
Salesman Ne Suna Aur Majak Udate Hue Puchha: Bhai, Itna Sara Petrol Dalva Ke Kya Karoge? Kahin Jana Hai Kya?
Santa: O Jana Kahan Hai Yaar, Hum Toh Aise Hi Paise Udate Hain.

10th Karne Ke Baad Santa NE Pappu Se Pucha: Beta, Bade Hokar Kya Karoge?
Pappu Khushi Se Boli: Baap Banunga, Padhai Karunga, Shaadi Karunga.
Santa Ne Ghabrate Hue Kaha: Beta Tu Kuch Bhi Kar, Teri Zindagi Hai... Lekin Ek Request Hai.
Pappu: Ji Papa, Bolo.
Santa: Yaar Thoda Sequence Ka Dhyan Rakhna...

Santa Ladki Waalon Ke Ghar Rishta Pappu Ka Rishta Leke Pahuncha.
Ladki Ke Parents: Hamari Beti Toh Abhi Pad Rahi Hai.
Santa: Koi Baat Nahin ji... Hum 2-3 Ghante Baad Aa Jayenge.
----------  
Today's Excuse to Drink!
Monday Night:
Wife: Aaj tum daaru peeke aaye ho! Kyun?
Husband: Arre aaj office main foreign clients ke saath meeting thi to peeni padi.

Tuesday Night:
Wife: Aaj tum fir daaru pee ke aaye ho ! Kyun?
Husband: Arre aaj mere ek friend ki engagement thi toh usne party di isliye.

Wednesday Night:
Wife: Aaj bhi tum peeke aaye ho...
Husband: Aaj ek friend ka breakup ho gaya... wo bahut udaas tha toh uska mood fresh karne ke liye...

Thursday Night:
Wife: Aaj fir se... Ab kiska breakup ho gaya?
Husband: Breakup nahi.... Aaj Office mai work load tha... bahut tension thi.... isliye.

Friday Night:
Wife: Aaj kyun?
Husband: Jis friend ki engagement thi na Tuesday ko, Aaj uski shaadi thi... toh khushi ke mauke pe toh peeni banti hai.

Saturday Night:
Wife: hmmm... Ab?
Husband: Aaj purane school friends mil gaye the toh wo disco le gaye aur zabardasti pila di... maine bahut mana bhi kiya par maane nahi...

Sunday Night:
Wife (gusse se): Ab Aaj kya ho gaya?
Husband: AADMI EK DIN BHI APNI MARZI SE NAHI PI SAKTA HAI KYA ???
----------  
Kripa Keejiye Maharaj !!!
Ek Sharaabi ek Pahunche Huye BABA Ke Aashram Mein Daya.

Sharaabi: Maharaj, Main Aapki Sharan Mein Aaya Hun.... Mujh Per Kripa Kijiye.

Baba: Kya Baat Hai Beta ?

Sharaabi: Babaji Mein Sharaab Kee Vajah Se Bahut Dukhi Hun. Kripa Karke Meri Sharaab Chhudwa Deejiye !

Baba: Tum Bilkul Sahi Jagah Aaye Ho Bachcha ! Ye Samjho Tumhari Sharaab Chhoot Gayi.

Sharaabi: Jai Ho Babaji Ki ! Mujhe Vishwas Thaa Ki Aap Meri Madad Zaroor Karenge ! Ab Jaldi Se Phone Keejiye Civil Lines Thaane Ke Incharge Ko! Usne Meri 2 Peti Whiskey Zabt Kar Lee Hai !!!
----------


Innocent Kids
Ek Chota Sa Bachcha, Apni Dadi Se: Dadi Maan, Kya Aap Tain Bol Sakti Hain ?

Dadi: Tain...!

Bachcha: Wah Dadi Ji... Ek Baar Phir Se, Please...

Dadi: Tain...!

Bachcha: Dadi Aap Toh Kamaal Ka Tain Bolti Hain... Achcha Aap Ek Baar Mummy Ko Bhi Bol Kar Dikha Sakti Ho ?

Dadi: Kyun Re, Teri Maan Ko Kyun Bol Ke Dikhaun ?

Bachcha: Vo Darasla, Neeche Mummy Apni Friends Se Hamesha Bolti Rehti Hain Ki Ye Budhiya Pata Nahin Kab Tain Bolegi...!
----------  
Aaj Kal Ke Bachche
Main Ye Sochkar TV Ke Aagey Baith Gaya Ki Aaj Ki NEWS Dekhi Jaaye. Bagal Mein Baithi Biwi Apne Daily Ke Serial Mein Kuch Is Kadar Dubi Hui Thi Ki Usko Ye Bhi Ahsaas Nahin Hua Ke Kab Main Aa Ke Uske Saath Baith Gaya.

Tabhi Mujhe Khyaal aaya Ki Agar Is Samaye Shrimatiji Se Remote Maanga Toh Bhukamp Aa Jayega... Is Se Toh Achcha Ye Hai Ki Thodi Der Baad News Dekh Li Jaaye Ya Phir Subah Newspaper Pad Lunga. Bas Yehi Sochkar Sofe Se Uhtne Laga.

Tabhi Hamar Chota Beta Kamre Mein Aaya Aur Yahan Wahan Kuch Dhoondne Laga. Shrimatiji Abhi BahiApne Serial Mein Gum Thi... Koi Hosh Nahin Ki Beta Bhi Kamere Mein Aa Chuka Hai.

Maine Pucha: Kya Dhoond Rahe Ho? Kuch Kho Gaya Hai Kya?

Beta Bola: Nahin Papa, Kuch Nahin Khoya, Main Toh Remote Dhoond Raha Haun, Match Dekhna Hai.... Kahan Hai Remote?

Maine Shrimatiji Ki Taraf Ishaara Kiya Toh Beta Bola: Arey Papa, Aapka Nahin... TV Ka Remote Chahiye, TV Ka...!!!
----------  
Contempt of Court!
Ek Aadmi KoPatni Ke Saath Maarpeet Karne Ke Jurm Mein Adalat Mein Peh Kiya Gaya.

Judge Ne Pati Se Puri Baat Bade Dhyaan Se Suni Aur Future Mein Doabara Aisa Na Karne Ki Warning Dekar Chod Diya.

Agle Hi Din Aadmi Ne Patni Ko Phir Se Maara-Peeta. Usko Phir Se Adalat Mein Usi Judge Ke Saamne Pesh Kiya Gaya.

Judge Ne Gusse Se Pucha: Tumhaari Himmat Kaise Hui Apni Patni Ko Dobara Marne-Peetne Ki??? Adalat Ko Mazaak Samajhte Ho Kya?

Aadmi Ne Apni Safaai Mein Judge Ko Bataya: Nahi Sir, Aap Meri Puri Baat Sun Lijiye. Kal Jab Aaapne Mujhe Chod Diya Toh Meine Khud Ko Refresh Karne Ke Liye Thodi Si Sharaab Pi Li... Jab Us Se Koi Phark Nahin Pada Toh Thodi Si Aur Laga Li... Aur Deheere-Dheere Kar Ke Mein Saari Bottle Pi Gaya.
Peene Ke Baad Jab Mein Ghar Pahuncha Toh Patni Chillakar, Badi Badtameezi Se Boli: Nalayak.... Aa Gaya Naali Ka Ganda Pani Peekar???
Sir Ji, Mainne Chupchaap Sun Liya... Kuch Nahin Kaha.

Phir Vo Boli: Besharam, Kuch Kaam Dhandha Bhi Kiya Kar... Sirf Paise Barbaad Karne Ka Theka Le Rajha Hai Kya???
Huzoor, Maine Phir Kuch Nahin Kaha, Aur Chupchaap Apne Kamre Ki Taraf Jaane Laga...

Vo Peeche Se Phir Chillai: Agar Us Nikamme Aur Bewakoof Judge Mein Thodi Si Bhi Akal Hoti To Tu Aaj Jail Mein Hota...

Bas Huzoor, Adalat Aur Aapki Ye Tauheen Mujhse Bardash Nahin Kar Saka Aur....

Case Rafa Dafa.... Pati Baizzat Bari...
----------  
Gharelu Totkey!
1. Agar aapko kutta kaat le to aap usay kaat lein, hisaab baraabar....

2. Doodh phat jaaye to safed dhagay se siii lein.... Kisi ko pataa nahi chalega.

3. Agar aap ke baal girtay hon to mundan karwa lein, Phir nahi girenge.....

4. Agar rang gora karna ho toh, machhli kha k doodh pee lein, Safed ho jaaoge....

5. Agar gale me dard ho to kisi se gala dabwa lain... Phir kabhi dard nahi hoga....

6. Agar aap ke paaon ki ediyan phat jayen aur koi cold cream asar na kare to aap sui dhaaga lekar siii lain....

7. Agar aap ke haath main bahut dard hai to ek mazboot hatthaudi lain aur zor se paaon pe maaren... Yaqeen karen aap haath ka dard bhool jaayenge....

8. Agar aap ke daant me keeda lag jaaye to ek do haftay tak kuchh Khayen peeyen nahi... Keera andar hi bhookha mar jaayega...

9. Agar aap ko raat main neend nahi aati to aankhon main ek ek Drop Elfy daal lain, Aap ko neend bhi achchhi aayegi aur subah aankh bhi nahi khulegi....

Totkon se phayda ho toh duaon mein yaad rakhana.... Warna khush to main waise bhi hoon....
----------


Income Tax Raid!
Ek Baar Ek Seth Ke Ghar Icome Tax Ki Raid Pad Gayi.

Income Tax Officer: Baaki Toh Theek Hai Seth Ji, Per Aapne Kutton Ko Jalebi Khilane Ka Kharcha 5 Lakh Rupaye Jo Likhe Hain.. Us Se Hum Satisfied Nahin Hain. Kya Aap Iska Koi Pakka Document Ya Bill Ya Koi Proof Dikha Sakte Hain?

Seth: Ji Nahin, Iska Toh Koi Proof Ya Document Nahin Hai Mere Paas. Income Tax Officer: Seth Ji, Ye Toh Problem Ho Gayi.... Haan Ek Raasta Hai... Agar Aap Humein 25,000 Rupaye De Do Toh Hum Baat Ko Yahin Rafa-Dafa Kar Denge.

Seth Ji Maan Gaye Aur Bole Ki Theek Hai Sahab, Mein Aapko 25,000 De Deta Hun.

Seth Ne Apne Munim Ko Awaaz Lagaai Aur Kaha: Munim Ji, In Logon Ko 25000 Rupaye De Do Aur Khaate Mein Likh Dena Kutton Ne 25000 Ki Jalebiyaan Aur Khaayi....
----------  
Rahul's Election Rally
Bihar Mein Elections Ke Chalte Rahul Gandhi Wahan Ke Ek Dur -Daraj Ke Gaanv Mein Election Rally Karne Ke Liya Gaya. Kareeb 30-35 Km, Kachchi Aur Tuti Si Sadak Pe Safar Karne Ke Baad Jab Rahul Wahan Pahuncha Toh Dekha Ki Wahan Sirf Ek Hi Kisaan Baitha Hua Tha.

Usko Akela Dekh Ke Rahul Baba Bahut Niraash Ho Gaye Aur Kissan Se Bole: Bhai, Tum Toh Ek Hi Ho, Ab Samajh Nahin Aa Raha Ki Bhashan Dun Ya Nahin?

Kisaan: Sahab, Mere Ghar Mpe 20 Bail Hain. Main Unhe Chaara Daalne Jaun Aur Wahan Ek Hi Bail Ho Toh Kya Us Akele Bail Ko Chaara Nahin Dalunga? Baaki 19 Bailon Ke Na Hone Ke Karan Kya Us Ek Bail Ka Upwaas Karwa Dun?

Kisaan Ka Ye Jawab Sunkar Rahul Ke Andar Josh Aa Jaata Hai Aur Vo Khush Hokar Stage Pe Chad Jaate Hain Aur 2 Ghante Tak Bhaashan Diya. Bhaashan Khatam Hone Ke Baad Rahul Kisaan Se: Bhai, Tumhaari Bailon Waali Baat Aur Udharan Mujhe Bahut Hi Achcha Laga, Isliye Maine Tum Akele Ko Bhaashan Diya. Ab Tum Batao Ki Tumhe Mera Bhashan Kaisa Laga?

Kisaan: Sahab Ji, 19 Balon Ki Gairhazri Mein 20 Bailon Ka Chaara Ek Hi Bail Ko Nahin Daal Dena Chahiye... Itni Akal Toh Hai Mujhe Mein Bhi....
----------  
Hyderabadi Mother...
Mom: Beta where are you now? It's 1.00 AM na Beta, come home fast!

Son: Who's This ???

Mom: Arre O Murde!! Zaleel. Kaha Hai Re Ttu? Itti Raat ho Gayi Na, Kidar Mara Re. Awara Gardi Karte. Jaldi Ghar Ku Aaa.

Son: Aji ammi Tum Hai ??? Iti Izzat Se Baat Karre Toh Mai Samjha Ki ABBA Dusri Shadi Kar Liye. Abhi Aaroo.
----------  
Police Wale Ki Jyadti
Ek Ladke Ko Ek Police Wale Ke Saath Gaali-Galauch Aur Maar-Peet Karne Ke Ilzaam Mein Magistrate Ke Saamne Pesh Kiya Gaya.

Magistrate: Kya Hua Tha?

Yuvak: Janaab, Mein Telephone Booth Mein Tha Aur Chupchaap, Bade Hi Shaantipurn Tareeke Se Apni Girlfriend Se Pyaar Bhari Baatein Kar Raha Tha. Tabhi Ye Police Waala Wahan Aaya. Pata Nahin Ise Phone Karne Ki Itni Kya Jaldi Thi Ki Isne Booth Ka Darwaza Khola, Meri Baaju Pakadkar Mujhe Bahar Kheench Liya Aur Dhakka Dekar Road Pe Gira Diya.

Magistrate: Toh Isliye Tumhe Gussa Aa Gaya Aur Tumne Isko Gaaliyaan Di Aur Isko Maara Bhi?

Yuvak: Ji Janaab.

Magistrate: Ye Toh Sach Mein Is Policewaale Ki Jyadti Hai... Jab Tum Pehle Se Hi Booth Ke Andar The Aur Baat Kar Rahe The Toh Isko Toh Intezar Karna Chahiye Tha.

Yuavk: Itna Hi Nahin Janaab, Mujhe Bahar Nikaalne Ke Baad Isne Aur Bhi Jyada Badsalooki Ki...

Magistrate: Achcha!!! Aur Kya Kiya Isne?

Yuvak: Mujhe Bahar Nikalne Ke Baad Isne Meri Girlfriend Ko Bhi Haath Pakadkar Bahar Nikala Aur Usko Bhi Dhakka Dekar Road Pe Gira Diya...
----------


Upset Girlfriend
A guy got stuck on a Rs. 1 crore question.

He uses phone-a-friend helpline, and chooses his girlfriend to ask the answer.

Amitabh Bachchan: Girlfriend ji, Namashkaar, mein Amitabh Bachchan bol raha hun KBC se. Abhi aapke mitra aap se ek prashan puchenge aur aap ko sirf 30 seconds mein us prashan ka uttar dene hai. Aapka samay shuru hota hai ab...

Boy reads out the question and the 4 options.

Girl: Mil gaya time tumhe phone karne ka ? Mujhe tumse koi baat nahi karni !!! Byeeeee....
----------  
Kids vs Teachers
Ek Student Ko Apni Life Me Khud Par Sabse Zyada Proud Kab Hota Hai ?
Jab Usko Exam Mein Kuch Na Aata Ho, Aur Pichhe Se Teacher Aake Kahe: Copy Chhupa Lo, Pichhe Wala Dekh Raha Hai...
Kasam Se, Seena Kushi Se Chauda Ho Jaata Hai...

A School Inspection Inspector: Ek bade Ccientist Ka Naam Batao?
Student: Alia Bhatt..!!
Inspector: Aap Ye Sikhate Ho School Mein?
Teacher: Ye Totla Hai Sir... Ye Bol Raha Hai... ARYABHATT

Pappu Kayi Dino Se School Nahi Ja Raha Tha.
Toh Kaafi Dino Ke Baad School Jane Per Teacher Pappu Se Puchti Hai: Itne Din Se Kahaan The?
Pappu: Bird Flu Ho Gaya Tha.
Teacher: Par Yeh Toh Birds Mein Hota Hai.
Pappu (Gusse Me): Insaan Hi Kaha Rehne Diya Apne, Roj To Murga Bana Dete Ho...

Top Replies by Teachers if they don't know the answers:
1) I think the question is wrong.
2) I'll tell you tomorrow.
3) Don't ask foolish questions!
4) You'll study this in the next semester.
& the most famous one,
5) Nice question, raise your hands who know the answer of this question ?
If no one raises... Then it is an assignment for you.

Teacher: Pappu, What's 5 - 5?
Pappu remains quiet.
Teacher tries again: Agar Tere Paas 5 Bhaturey Hain, Aur Maan Lo Ki Vo 5 Bhature Tum Se Le Loon Toh Tumhaare Paas Kya Bachega?
Pappu: Chholle.....!!!!
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Wife's Letter
Mayeke Gayi Hui Patni Ka Pati Ko Letter:
Kripya Instructions Dhyaan Se Padhein.

Kaamwali Ko Salary De Di Hai, Jyada Daanveer Mat Ban Jaana.

Aapko Kitni Baar Bataya Hai Ki Padosan Ka Akhbaarwala, Doodhwala, Laundrywaala Humse Alag Hai, Har Roz Subah Bahane Se Puchne Mat Pahunch Jaana Ki Aapka Akhbaara Aa Gaya...

Almaari Mein Left Side Pe Aapke Underwar Aur Baniyan Rakhi Hai Aur Right Side Pe Pappu Ke, Last Time Saara Din Office Mein Upar -Neeche Kheench Rahe The...

Chashma Sahi Jagah Pe Rakhna, Pichli Baar Jab Mein 5 Din Baad Aayi Thi Tab Fridge Mein Mila Tha...

Apna Mobile Sambhaal Kar Rakhna, Pichli Baar Bathroom Mein Soap Case Mein Mila Tha. Mujhe Toh Ye Samajh Nahin Aaya Ki Bathroom Mein Mobile Ka Kya Kaam Hota Hai.

Aur Haan, Yaaron-Doston Ko Jyada Jama Mat Karna. Yaad Hai Pichli Baar Sofe Ke Cover Se Kitne Saare Mungfali Aur Santre Ki Chilke Mile The Aur Bed Ke Neeche Beedi-Cigarettes Ke Tukde.

Aur Most Important Baat: Jyada Khush Hone Ki Zaroorat Nahin Hai, Mein Kabhi Bhi Vaapas Aa Sakti Hun.
----------  
Lajawab Santa!
Santa Ke Ghar Navjot Singh Siddhu Ki Tasvir Lagi Hui Thi.
Banta: Yaar, Tujhe Toh Cricket Mein Bilkul Bhi Interest Nahin Hai, Phir Tune Siddhu ji Ki Photo Kyun Laga Rahi Hai???
Santa: Kaun Siddhu?? Main Toh Laughing Buddha Lene Gaya Tha... Dukaandar Ne Kaha Ye Le Jao, Latest Hai !!!

Santa Jab Bhi Kapde Dhota, Tab Hi Baarish Ho Jaati. Ek Din Dhoop Nikli Toh Usne Shukr Kiya Aur Dukaan Pe Surf Lene Gaya.
Wo Jaise Hi Dukaan Par Gaya, Baadal Zor-Zor Se Garajne Lage. Santa Fatafat Aasmaan Ki Taraf Muh Karke Bola: Kya?
Kidhar??
Main Toh Biscuit Lene Aaya Hoon, Kasam Se...!!! ???

Santa Ki Maa: 21 Saal Tak Meri Koi Aulad Nahi Hui.
Press Reporter: Phir Apne Kya Kiya?
Santa Ki Maa: Phir Jab Mein 21 Saal Ki Hui Toh Papa Ne Meri Shadi Karwa Di, Phr Ja Ke Apna Ye Santa Hua... !!!

Ek Aadmi Khade-Khade Chaabi Se Apna Kaan Khujla Raha Tha. Santa Usko Bade Gaur Se Dekhte Hue Bola: Bhaisahab, Aap Start Nahi Ho Rahe Toh Dhakka Maaru?

Doctor: Motape Ka Ek Hi Ilaaj Hai. Tum Roj 2 Chapatis Khaya Karo.
Santa: Theek Hai Doctor Sahab, Par Ye Toh Bataiye 2 Chapati Khaane Se Pehle Khaani Hai Ya Khaane Ke Baad ?
----------



Hilarious Santa
Pappu Ko Fire Brigade Main Naukari Mil Gayi.
Ek Lady Ne Call Kiya: Hello Mere Ghar Par Aag Lagi Hai
Pappu: Apne Pani Daala....??
Lady: Haa, Par Aag Bujhi Nahi.
Pappu: Pagal, Fir Hum Aa Kar Kya Karenge. Hum Bhi To Pani Hi Dalenge Na.

Self Confidence at its Peak...
Santa writes to SBI : My Cheque was returned with remark 'Insufficient funds'. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank.

Santa Ne Blood Test Karwaya. Result Aaya A+
Result Dekhkar Santa Ko Bada Achraj Hua Aur Vo Sochne Laga Ki Saali Kamyaabi Tog Rag-Rag Mein Daud Rahi Hai... Phir Saala School Mein Hamesha C Kyun Milta Tha...

Santa Apni Shaadi Ki Saalgirah Pe Jeeto Ko Gulaab Dete Hue Bola: O Darling... Happy Annirversary!
Jeeto: Yeh Nahin, Mujhe Sone Ki Cheeez Chahiye.
Santa: Oh, Achcha, toh Ye Lo Pillow Aur Araam Se So Jao.
----------  
The Story of MATHS
Aaj se 300 saal pehle MATHS bahut masoom aur pyara tha.

Ek din kuch badmash students ne MATHS ko bahut maara... itna maara, itna maara ki bechare MATHS ki jaan chali gayi. Lekin jaate jaate MATHS sab students ko ek baddua de gaya... Main to ja raha hoon lekin..."MATHS"

M = Meri
A = Aatma
T = Tumhe
H = Hamesha
S = Satayegi
Aaj bhi maths ki aatma bhatak rahi hai aur saare students ko sata rahi hai aur hamesha satati rahegi....
----------  
The 500 Page Book
Doctor, pagal se: Ye kya hai?

Pagal: Ye maine 500 panno ki kitab likhi hai...

Doctor: Tumne 500 panno pe kya likha?

Pagal: 1st page pe likha hai Ek Raja ghode par baith ke jungal ki taraf chala, aur akhri page pe likha ke wo Raja jungle pahunch gaya.

Doctor: To Kaminey beech ke 498 panno pe kya likha???

Pagal: Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....

Doctor: Teri ye kahani padhega kaun ?

Pagal: WhatsApp par rakh dunga, mere jaise log juroor padhenge.
----------  
Break-up!
Girlfriend: I am just too fed up from our daily fights, I just wanna break up with you.

Boyfriend: Kya hua yaar?

Girlfriend: Mein ab tumhaare saath nahin rah sakti, mein jaa rahi hun.

Boyfriend: Theek hai, theek hai, par pehle yeh chocolate toh le lo.

Girlfriend: Ohhhh... so you don't want me to go, manaa rahe ho na mujhe choclate deke.

Boyfriend: Nahin re pagal, meri maa kehti hai ki koi bhi shubh kaam karne se pehle munh zoaroor meetha kar lena chahiye.
----------


Doctor's Advice
Ek Aadmi Bahut Jyada Beemar Ho Gaya Tha, Aur Theek Hi Nahi Ho Paa Raha Tha.

Uski Patni Usko Shahar Ke Ek Bahut Bade Doctor Ke Paas Le Gayi.

Doctor Ne Achchi Tarah Se Checkup Kiya Aur Patni Ko Samjhate Hue Bola: Inko Achcha Aur Healthy Breakfast Do, Hamesha Inke Sath Dheere Aur Pyaar Se Bolo, Apni Koi Bhi Problem Inko Mat Batao, Ghar Mein Koi Bhi TV Serials Na Dekho, Shopping, Naye Kapde Aur Jewellery Ki Koi Bhi Demand Bilkul Bhi Na Karein, Aisa Agar Ek Saal Tak Karo Toh Ye Bikul Perfect Ho Jayenge.

Ghar Aate Hue Raaste Mein Pati Ne Patni Se Puchha: Kya Kaha Doctor Ne?

Patni Dukhi Man Se Boli: Aapke Bachne Ki Koi Umeed Nahi Hai.
----------  
Kaamchor Husband!
Wife to her husband: Suno, aate hue zara kitchen se namak lete aana.

Husband (kitchen se): Yahan to koi Namak nahi hai.

Wife: Mujhe pata tha, tum toh ho hi andhe, kaamchor kahin ke. Ek kaam dhang se nahi kar sakte, bas bahane banaate rehte ho, zindagi mein kuch to kaam karo. Mujhe pehle se hi pata tha ki tumhe nahin milega, isliye mein pehle hi le aayi thi.

Husband shocked!
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Special Paani Puri Menu
Ek Paani Puri Wale Ka Menu

Paani Puri : 10 Rs.
Special Paani Puri : 20 Rs.
Extra Special Paani Puri : 30 Rs.
Double Extra Special Paani Puri : 40 Rs.
Triple Extra Special Paani Puri : 50 Rs.
Multi Special Paani Puri : 60 Rs.
Special 'Sunday' Paani Puri : 100 Rs.

Maine Socha Ki Daily Alag Alag Paani Puri Khaunga Aur Dektha Hun Ki Kya Difference Hai. Par Mujhe Taste Mein Sabhi Ek Jaise Lage, Koi Difference Nahin Laga.

Maine Pucha: Bhaiya, Sabhi Paani Puri Ka Taste Toh Ek Jaisa Hi Hai Phir Ye Alag Alag Price Kyun Hai ?

Paani Puri Wala:
Sahab, Paani Puri Matalab Paani Puri Sirf 5 Rs.
Special Paani Puri Matalab - 'Sirf Chammach Dhoya Hua.'
Extra Special Paani Puri Matalab - 'Chammach Aur Dish Dono Hi Dhoye Hue.'
Double Special Paani Puri Matalab - 'Paani Puri Dene Ke Pahele Haath Bhi Dhoye Hue.'
Itna Bolkar Wo Paani Puri Wala Chup Ho Gya...

Par Mujse Raha Nahi Gaya Meine Puch Hi Liya" Aur Ye Sunday Special Matalab??

Paani Puri Wala: Vo Sahab, Sunday Ko Mein Nahata Hu, Isliye Sunday Special.
----------  
Abi Toh Party Shuru...
Ek Baar Tommy Naam Ka Kutta Apne Relatives Se Milne Shehar Chala Gaya. Tommy Se Milkar Sab Bade Khush Hue. Sabne Decide Kiya Ki Tommy Ko Shehar Dikhaya Jaaye. Bas Phir Kya Tha, Kutton Ka Jhund Tommy Ko Lekar Ghumne Nikal Pada.

Saar Din Ghumne-Phirne Ke Baad Jab Jhund Ghar Pahuncha Toh Shaam Ho Chuki Thi, Tommy Kaafi Thak Gaya Tha Aur Usko Bhookh Bhi Lagi Thi.

Tommy: Chacha, Bahut Zor Se Bhookh Lagi Hai, Kuch Intezaam Kar Do.

Tommy Ka Chacha: Bhookh Lagi Hai? Chal Aa Hamare Saath, Tujhe Ek Party Mein Le Chalte Hain.

Kutton Ka Jhund Tommy Ko Lekar Ek Park Mein Pahuncha Jahan Kuch Yaar Dost Party Kar Rahe The. Sab Baith Kar Dekhne Lage.

Party Abhi Start Hui Thi. Sabke Haathon Mein Peg Tha. Yaaron Ne Apna-Apna Peg Khatam Kiya, Chicken Leg-Piece Khaya Aur Haddi Ko Dustbin Mein Daal Diya.

Tommy: Chacha, Dustbin Se Haddiyaan Kaise Nikalein?

Chacha: Abhi Ruk Thodi Der Aur Baitha Reh Araam Se.

Thodei Der Yaaron Ne Dusra Peg Khatam Kiya Aur Is Baar Leg-Piece Kha Ke Haddiyon Ko Bahar Hi Phenk Diya.

Bhukha Tommy Haddiyon Ko Dekhkar Lapka Per Chacha Ne Phir Pakad Ke Baitha Diya.

Jab Yaaron Ne 2-3 Peg Aur Laga Liye Toh Leg-Piece Ko Aadha Kha Kar Phenkna Start Kar Diya.

Leg-Piece Dekh Kar Tommy Phir Lapka Per Phir Se Chacha Ne Pakad Ke Baitha Diya.

Tommy, Gusse Se: Kya Chacha, Ab Toh Haddiyon Ke Saath Meaal Bhi Hai, Ab Toh Khaane Do.

Chacha, Hanste Hue: Beta, Yaaron Ko Ek-Ek Peg Aur Lagane De Phir Inke Saath Table-Chair Pe Baith Ke Khaayenge.
----------


Jeeto's Secret Admirer!!!
Santa Aur Uski Biwi, Jeeto, So Rahe The. Raat Ko Takreeban 2 Baje Jeeto Ke Mobile Par Message Ki Tone Baji.

Santa Chaunk Kar Uthta Hai Aur Mobile Pe Messagae Dekhta Hai...

Usmein Beautiful Likha Dekh Kar Apni Patni Ko Uthaya Aur Gusse Se Puchta Hai: Yeh Kya Hai, Kiska Message Hai, Kaun Aise Messages Bhej Raha Hai Tumko ???

Jeeto Bhi Hadbadahat Mein Uthi... Socha Ab 45 Saal Ki Umar Mien Kaun Beautiful Kahega Bhala?

Jab Mobile Dekha To Jhalla Kar Boli: Chashma Laga Kar Mobile Haath Mein Liya Karo.... Yeh Beautiful Nahi Balki Charging Mein Lage Phone Par BATTERYFULL Likha Hai. Satyanash Kar Diya Neend Ka...
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On The House!!!
Ek Baar Santa Restaurant Mein Jaata Hai Aur Zor Se Bolta Hai: Mujhe Ek Bottle Champagne Chahiye Aur Baaki Sab Jo Yahan Baithe Hain Unko Bhi Champagne Do..... Kyunki Jab Mein Champagne Peeta Hun Toh Main Chahta Hun Ki Sab Champagne Hi Peeyein.

Sab Bade Hairaan Hote Hain But Saath Mein Khush Bhi The Kynki Free Ki Champagne Jo Mil Rahi Thi.

Drink Ke Baad Santa Phir Chaillaya: Mujhe Ek Tandoori Chicken Do Aur Baaki Sab Jo Yahan Baithe Hain Unko Bhi Tandoori Chicken Do..... Kyunki Main Chahta Hun Jo Main Kha Raha Hun Vo Sab Khaayein.

Sab Phir Se Bahut Khush Hote Hai, Taaliyaan Bajate Hain Aur, Seetiyaan Maarte Hain... Chicken Jo Aane Waala Tha....

Khaane Ke Baad Santa Phir Se Chaillaya: Mujhe Mera Bill Do Aur Yahan Baithe Baaki Logon Ko Bhi Unka Bill Do... Kyunki Mein Chahta Hun Jaise Main Apna Bill Pay Kar Raha Hun Vaise Hi Sab Apna Apna Bill Pay Karein...

He is still recovering in the ICU!!!
----------  
I'm the Best!
I m the best. I can prove it.
I can put Coffee in coffee cup. Can you put world in World Cup?

OK one more:
I can send my address on your mobile. Can you send your mobile on my address?

Nahin na... Ok Ok... One last one
I can eat Cream biscuits with Cream. Can you eat Tiger biscuits with Tiger?
Kaha na, only I'm the best...
----------  
Baba Ji Ka Thullu!
Kapil: O Ji, Maine Kaha... Nice Lipstick.

Girl: Thanks.

Kapil: O Ji, Main Kya.. Nice Top And Jeans.

Girl: Thanks.

Kapil: O Ji, Main Kya..Nice Ear-Rings.

Girl: Thanks.

Kapil: Aur Toh Aur Nice Necklace.

Girl: Thank you so much BHAIYA.

Kapil: Kamaal Hai... Itni Saari Achchi Cheezein Pehan Kar Bhi Tu Bhootni Hi Lag Rahi Hai.

Ladki Ko Mila Baba Ji Ka Thullu...
----------


Lawaris Bandar!
Banta ko ek Lawaris bandar Mila. Woh us bandar ko Police Station le gaya aur pucha ki iska kya karun?

Inspector ne kaha Isko Zoo le jao.

Next day Inspector ne Banta ko Bandar k saath bus stop per dekha.

Inspector: Arre tum isko Zoo nahi le kar gaye..??

Banta: Kal gaye the Sir, khub ghoome, bada maza aaya... Aaj Qutub minar jaa rahe hai... Phir India Gate jayenge.
----------  
My Sweet Son!!!
After watching a story of an Emperor on TV, a 6 years old kid: Mumym, Mujhe Bhi 5 wives Chahiye, Ek Jo Mere Liye Khana Banaye, Ek Mere Liye Padhai Karegi Aur Mera Homework Bhi, Ek Mere Saath Khelne Ke Liye, Ek Mujhe Gaane Sunane Ke Liye, Ek Mujhe Nehlaane Ke Liye...

Mum smiled and said: Theek Hai Beta, But Phir Raat Ko Mere Paas Mat Aana Sone Ke Liye, Unhi Ke Saath Sona.

After some thought, son said: Nahin Mom, this is not possible, Mein Toh Aapke Saath Hi Sounga Kisi Aur Ke Saath Nahi.

Moms eyes fill up with tears of happiness: Mera Raja Beta... My Sweet Son! Love You Beta. Phir Tumhari Biwiyon Ke Saath Kaun Soyega???

Son Said: Tum Tension Mat Lo Mom, Papa Hain Na, Vo So Jayenge Unke Saath.

Now Dad's eyes fill up with tears of happiness: My sweet son... Mera Raja Beta... Kitna Khyaal Haie Tujhe Apne Papa Ka.... Proud of you Beta!!!
----------  
Aalsi Naukar!
Malik, apne aalsi naukar se: Yahan par itne sare machchar goon-goon kar rahen hain, tu in sabko maar de.

Thodi der baad Malik: Oye aalsi kahin ke, maine tujhe machchar maarne ko kaha tha abhi tak tune mare nahin? Woh ab bhi goonn-goon kar rahe hain.

Aalsi naukar: Malik machchar toh maine saare maar diye hain. Yeh toh unki biwiyaan hain jo vidhva ho kar ro rahi hain.
----------  
Doctor's Wife
Ek Aadmi Ka Gala Baith Gaya Tha... Bahut Koshish Ke Baad Bhi Kuch Araam Nahi Mila. Raat Ke Do Baje Jab Takleef Kaafi Bad Gayi Toh Tang Aakar Vo Apni Biwi Se Bola: Kuch Samajh Mein Nahi Aa Raha Hai Ke Kya Karoon?

Biwi: Main Toh Shaam Se Hi Bol Rahi Thi Ki Kisi Doctor Se Check Karwa Lo... Lekin Tum Meri Sunte Kahan Ho... Vo Samne Wale Apartment Mein Doctor Ka Ghar Hai, Wahan Chale Jaao.

Pati: Raat Ke Do Baje Kisi Ke Ghar Jaate Achcha Nahin Lagta.

Patni: Doctor Ka Farz Hota Hai Mareej Ko Dekhna Aur Theek Karna, Raat Ya Din Ka Koi Matlab Nahi Hota Ismein.

Pati Ne Is Baat Ko Socha Aur Pareshani Ki Haalat Mein Samne Wale Apartment Mein Pahunch Ke Dawaja Khat-Khataya, Ander Se Doctor Ki Biwi Ne Pucha: Kaun Hai?

Pati (Gala Bethi Hui Awaaz Mein): Main Hoon Aapka Padosi, Doctor Sahab Hai?

Ander Se Biwi Ki Sexy Si Awaaz Aayi: Nahi Hai, Aa Jaao.
----------

Kuch Anmol Vachan
Zindagi Mein Sirf 'Paana' He Sabkuch Nahin Hota, Uske Saath Nut-Bolt Bhi Chahiye.
-Chhagan Mistree

Tum Mujhe Khoon Do... Mein Tumhee 3 Baje Tak Blood Report De Doonga.
-Ghanashyaam Leboretaree

Yahaan Khuda Hai, Vahaan Khuda Hai, Aaas Paas Khuda Hi Khuda Hai Aur Jahaan Khuda Nahin Hai, Vahaan Kal Khudegaa.
-Nagarpalika

Zindagi Mein Jab Aapko Koi Raasta Dikhayi Naa De, Koi Manzil Dikhayi Na De, Koi Apna Dikhayi Na De Toh... Mobile Mein Tourch Bhi Hota Hai, Usko Jala Lena.
-Pawan Mobile

Jeevan Mein Kabhi Ghabraahat Mehsoos Ho, Aap Paseene-Paseene Ho Rahe Hon Toh Yeh Sochein Ki Aapko Attack Aane Vala Hai. Yeh Bhi Ho Sakta Hai Ki Aapka Pankha Kharaab Ho.
Bhola Electrician

Kis Bhi Cheez Se Moh Mat Palo.... Jeevan Mein Tyag Karna Bhi Seekho... Apna Purana Aur Bekaar Samaan Mujhe De Do -Mango Kabadiya
----------  
Awesome Santa
Mele Mein Announcement Hui:
Ek Bachcha Mila Hai, JIN KA HAI, Aa Kar Le Jaayein.
Santa Bheed Se Chillata Hua Aaya: Mujhe Bhi Dikhaaaaaooo JIN KA BACCHA Kaisa Hota Hai...

Santa: Yaar, Saamne Waale Makaan Mein Ek Ladki Har Roz Khidki Mein Se Rumaal Hila-Hila Ke Ishaare Karti Hai Per Kabhi Khidki Nahin Kholti. Ab Tu Hi Bata Yaar Kya Karun?
Banta: Behak Mat Bhai, Vo Ladki Tukhe Dekhkar Rumaal Nahin Hilaati.... Darasal Vo Us Ghar Ki Naukraani Hai Aur Khidki Ke Sheeshe Saaf Karti Hai.

Jeeto Ek Dibbe Mein Apne Bachche Ki Potty Lekar Test Karwaane Jaati Hai.
Doctor: Behan Ji, Yo Potty Nahin Halwa Hai.
Jeeto, Hairaani Se Aur Lagbhag Rote Hue: Doctor Ji, Muje Ek Phone Call Karni Hai, Badi Urgent and Important Hai... Please Doctor Saab...
Doctor: Kar Lijiye Behanji, Koi Baat Nahi, Lekin Hua Kya???
Jeeto: Unko Batana Hai Ki Vo Galat Dibba Office Le Gaye Hain.

Santa Sharaab Pee Kar Jaa Raha Thaa. Raaste Main Vo Ek Saadhu Se Takra Jaata Hai.
Sadhu Gusse Mein: Aye Murkh Mein Tujhe SHRAAP Deta Hun...
Santa: Rukiye Maharaj, Mein Glass Leke Aata Hun.
----------  
English or Desi!!!
Ek ladka shaadi ke liye ek ladki ko dekhne gaya.

Ladke ne socha ki kyun na ladki ko impress kiya jaaye aur English mein baat karne ki sochi.

Ladka bola: Suniye, aapko English chalti hai na?

Ladki, sharmate hue dheere se boli: Ji, bilkul chalti hai. Agar SODA ho saath mein ho tab toh DESI bhi chalti hai.
----------  
Who's The Boss?
Ek Baar Pati Aur Patni Ke Beech Kisi Baat Ko Lekar Jhagda Ho Gaya, Bahut Behas Hui Aur Baat Maar-Peet Tak Aa Pahunchi.

Jaise Hi Patni Belan Lekar Pati Pe Jhapati Toh Usne Bhi Gazab Ke Reflexes Dikhaye Aur Ekdum Se Almaari Ke Andar Ghus Gaya.

Patni Belan Se Almaari Ko Khatkhatate Hue, Gusse Se Boli: Bahar Nikalo!!!

Andar Se Pati Bolta Hai: Nahi Nikalta...

Patni Chilla Kar Boli: Mein Kehti Hun Bahar Niklo....

Pati Almaari Ke Andar Se Chillata Hai: Nahin Nikalta, Kar Lo Jo Karna Hai.

Pati-Patni Ka Shor-Sharaba Sunka Padosi Bhi Aa Gaye Aur Puchne Lage Ki Kya Hua, Kya Baat Hai...???

Patni, Gusse Se Chillati Hui Boli: Ye Darpok Aadmi Almaari Ke Andar Ghus Gaya Hai... Ise Kaho Ki Fauran Almaari Se Bahar Aa Jaaye Verna Theek Nahin Hoga.

Pati, Almaari Ke Andar Se, Lagbhag Dahaadta Hua Bola: Nahin Nikalta...!!! Aaj Pure Mohalle Ko Pata Chal Hi Jaana Chahiye Ki Is Ghar Mein Kis Ki Marzi Chalti Hai....!!!!
----------


Pathan vs. Bainya!
EK Pathan ek Baniye ki shaadi mein gaya.

Shaadi waale ghar mein 2 darwaze the, 1 pe Rishtedaar, dusre pe Dost likha tha.

Pathan, Dost wale darwaze se enter ho gaya.

Aage phir 2 darwaze the, 1 pe Ladies, dusre pe Gents likha tha.

Pathan, Gents wale darwaze se enter hua.

Wahan 2 aur darwaze the, 1 pe Gift dene wala dusre pe Bina giftwala likha tha.

Pathan bina giftwaale darwaze mein enter ho gaya!

Jab dekha to Pathan, bahar gali me khada tha!

Aur wahan likha tha: 'Sharm to nhi aa rahi hogi!!! Baniye ki shaadi aur free mein roti khayega ? JA JA hawa khhaa..!!!
----------  
Munna Bhai in Jail
In Jail...
Sanjay Dutt: Jailer Sahab, Mujhe Phir Se Baapu Dikh Rela Hai!
Jailer: Kidhar?
Sanjay Dutt: Wo Udhar, Dhoti Mein.
Jailer: Abe Asaram Baapu Hai Wo!!!

Akbar and one Gujju were best friends.
The Gujju went to a Masjid for the 1st time with Akbar.
Akbar enters the Masjid and says: Allah hu Akbar......
Gujjubhai Thodi Der Sochne Ke Baad: Allah, Hu Jignesss Patel.....

Biwi: Wo Saamne Sharabi Dekh Rahe Ho ?
Pati: Husband: Haan! Kyun, Tum Jaanti Ho Us Ko?
Biwi: Haan. 10 Saal Pehle Maine Use Shaadi ke Liye Inkaar Kiya Tha. Aur Woh Aaj Tak Pee Raha Hai.
PATI: Baap Re...... Itna Lamba celebration!!!

A couple went to an Art Gallery. Ther was a picture of a girl covered only by Leaves.
Husband was watching.
Wife: Ghar abhi chaloge, Ya Hawa Aane tak rukoge!!!

A man went to the marriage hall to reserve wedding date...
Office was closed and he read the following Notice outside the office:
"Office closed between 1 pm and 3 pm... you may use this time to think again."

When a woman loves you, you are a husband......
When many women love you, you are an actor......
When hundreds of women love you, you are an idol......
When thousands of women love you, you are a leader........
But When all the women in the city love you, then you are a Best Paanipuri wala.
----------  
Daru ki vajah!
Daru ki vajah se barbaad hue ek sharabi ne kasam li aur ghar se daru ki khali bottles phainkne laga...

1st bottle phainkte hue bola: Teri vajah se meri naukri gayi...

2nd bottle phainkte hue bola: Teri vajah se mera ghar bik gaya...

3rd phainkte hue bola: Teri vajah se meri biwi chali gayi...

Jab usne 4th bottle uthaai toh woh bhari hui nikli. Sharaabi us bottle ko utha ke bola: Tu side mein hoja pagli, tu to bekasur hai....
----------  
Shaadi Ke Baad...
Shaadi Ke baad Patni Kaise badalti hai... Zara gaur kijiye...

Pehle Saal: Maine kaha ji, khana kha lijiye, aapne kaafi der se kuchh khaya nahin!

Dusre Saal: Ji, khana taiyaar hai, laga dun?

Teesre Saal: Khana ban chuka hai, jab khana ho tab bata dena...!

Chauthe Saal: Khana banakar rakh diya hai, main bazaar ja rahi hoon, jhud hi nikal kar kha lena.

Paanchve Saal: Main kehti hoon, aaj mujhse khana nahin banega, hotel se le aao.

Chhathe Saal: Jab dekho khana khana aur khaana, abhi subah hi to khaya tha.

Shaadi ke baad Pati kaise badalte hain.. Zara gaur kijiye...

Pehle Saal: Jaanu, Sambhalkar... udhar gadda hai...

Dusre Saal: Arey yaar dekh ke, udhar Gadda hai...

Teesre Saal: Dikhta nahin udhar Gadda hai...

Chauthe Saal: Andhi hai kya, Gadda nahin dikhta??

Paanchve Saal: Arey udhar kidhar marne jaa rahi hai, Gadda to idhar hai...
----------


The Proper Procedure
Customer (ek ladki): Agar mein aaj cheque deposit karun toh wo kab clear hoga?

Clerk: Kam se kam 3 din lagenge madam.

Ladki: Dono bank amne-samne toh hain phir bhi itna time kyun?

Clerk: Madam, PROCEDURE to FOLLOW karna padta hai na. Socho agar aap Shamshan ke bahar hi mar gai, toh aapko pahle ghar lekar jayenge ya wahin nipta denge ?
----------  
Sunny hates Doodh
Sunny's mom: Beti doodh ka glass pee lo.

Sunny: No mama, mujhe nahin peena.

Maa: Beti agar doodh nahin piyogi toh badi kaise hogi?

Sunny: Maa apko bhi toh doodh pasand nahi tha, aap bhi nahin peeti thi, phir bhi aap badi ho gai na. Main bhi vaise hi bina piye badi ho jaungi.

Maa: Achchi bachiyan zid nahin karti, agar meri achchi beti ho toh doodh pee lo warna mei tum se khafa ho jaungi.

Sunny: OK mama.

aap kehti hain toh mein doodh pee leti hoon.

Aur is tarah sunny ne doodh pee liya...

Message end tak kitney gaur se padha hai ki kab non veg start hoga... bus karo darindo
----------  
Plight of a Married Man
Bechaara shaadi shuda aadmi dukhi bhi nahi ho sakta...

Wife: I love you baby.
Husband (softly): I love you too.
Wife: Upset kyun lag rahe ho...??? Husband: Bas thoda mood off tha.
Wife: Doston ke saath to bade khush rehte ho, aur mere saath hi drame.
Husband (pyar se): Aisa kuch nahi jaanu, tabiyat thodi theek nahi hai.
Wife: Haan, agar abhi koi dost phone kare to 2 sec mein tabiyat theek ho jayegi.
Husband: Dost kahan se aa gaye, mera mood thoda upset hai bas.
Wife: Mere saath hi ye sab hota hai, friends ke saath enjoy karte ho, badi has has ke pictures click karwate ho. Ya koi aur ladki pasand aa gayi..??
Husband (aur jyada pyar se): Arrey, kahan se kahan baat le jaa rahi ho?
Wife: Aaj sab clear hoga !!
Husband: Kya clear karna hai jaanu, aisa kya ho gaya??
Wife (khud confused): Jab tum khud clear nahi, tumhe kuch pata nahi to main kya bolun..!!
Husband (trying to act smart): Tumhe hua kya hai ?? Kis baat pe upset ho ?? Batao!!
Wife: Tumhari sangat hi kharab hai !!
Husband: Mere saath to tum ho!!
Wife: Ab bohut ho gaya, ab aur nahi!!
Husband (fully crashed): Yeh toh bata do ki hua kya hai ?
Wife: Hum ab saath nahi reh sakte?
Husband: Ye baat kahan se aayi?
Wife: I want Divorce.
Husband: Hmmmm OK !!
Wife (gone crazy): Haan, yehi chahte ho tum to, phir tum jo marzi kar sako.
Husband: Arrey tumne khudne bola abhi, maine kya galat kaha??
Wife: Itni problem thi to bola kyun nahi, main khud bina bole chali jaati tumhari life se.
Husband (apne baal pakad kar): Mujhe meri galti toh bata do.
Wife: Waqt aane pe pata chalegi tumhe apne aap, jab main chali jaungi.
Husband: Achcha, to main wait karta hoon sahi waqt ka.
Wife: Tum serious kab hoge??
Husband: Ab kya hospital mein admit ho jaun, serious hone ke liye?
Wife: Go to hell!!!

AFTER 3 HOURS.
Wife: Tumhe pata hai na, main tumhare bina nahi reh sakti jaanu, sorry !!! I love you my baby.
Husband (Sab bhool kar): Achcha, Really!!! I love you tooo...
Wife: Upset kyun lag rahe ho ?............... !!!
----------  
I'm Sorry!
Ek Budha ek ladki se takra gaya.

Budha ladki se bola: Sorry...

Ladki: Andha hai kya..... Dikhta nahi hai... Is umar mein bhi ye sab... Pata nahin kahan se aa jaate hain!!!

Yeh bolkar jaise hi woh ladki aage badhi, ek handsome sa ladka us se takra gaya.

Ladka: Sorry...

Ladki, sharmaate hue, "Koi baat nahin. it's okay!!!

Wo budha uncle ye sab dekh raha tha. Woh agey bada aur ladki se pucha: MERI SORRY KI SPELLING GALAT THI KYA??
----------



Online Friend
Nayi nayi friendship hui Facebook pe... numbers exchange hue... aur phir...

Girl: Hello darling! Kya kar rahe ho...???

Boy: Hai Jaanu, Shave kar raha hoon...

Girl: Jab bhi mai tum ko call karti hoon tum shave kar rahe hote ho... din mein kitni baar Shave krte ho...??

Boy: 30-40 baar...

Girl: Tum Pagal ho. kya...???

Boy: Nahi jaanu mainn Barber hun...
----------  
Yes or No ?
Ek Baar Ek Kachari Mein Ek Gawah Kaafi Lambe-Lambe Bayaan De Raha Tha. Sarkaari Vakeel Naraaz Ho Gaya.

Vo Thoda Gusse Se Gawah Ko Bolta Hai: Itna Jyada Biolne Ki Zaroorat Nahin Hai. Tumse Jo Bhi Poocha Jaye Uska Jawaab Sirf Haan Ya Na Mein Do.

Gawah: Huzoor, Har Sawaal Ka Jawaab Haan Ya Naa Mein Nahin Diya Ja Sakta.

Vakeel: Bilkul Diya Ja Sakta Hai. Tum Mujhse Kuch Bhi Pucho Mein Sirf Haan Ya Naa Mein Jwaab Dekar Dikhata Hun.

Gawah: Theek Hai Huzoor, aapki Zid Pe Mein Apse Ek Sawaal Puchta Hun. Aap Sirf Haan Ya Naa Mein Jawaab Dena.

Vakeel: Theek Hai, Pucho.

Gawah: Huzoor, Kya Aapki Biwi Ne Apko Peetna Band Kar Diya Hai ?

Vakeel Abhi Tak Behosh Hai.
----------  
Papa's BMW!!!
A Boyfriend sends a message to his girlfriend on WhatsApp...

Boyfriend - Hi.

Girlfriend - Hello.

Boyfriend - Kahan par ho?

Girlfriend: Main apne papa ki BMW mein club ja rahi hun, abhi driver mujhe club chor dega, uske baad mall mein shopping ke liye jaungi, tab tumhe call karti hun, tum kahan par ho?

Boyfriend: 401 no ki bus mein, TUMHARI SEAT SE 2 SEATS PEECHE, TUM TICKET MAT LENA Maine Le Li hai...!!!
----------  
Unsecured Connection!
Ek ladki roz jab college se ghar ati to ek ladke ko apne ghar ke bahar khada dekhti.

Aisa roz hota tha, even pura 1 saal beet gaya. Aur wo ladka roz us ko apne ghar ke samne nazar aata.

Wo kuch nahi kehta tha bas chup chaap kabhi agey pechay aur kabhi apne mobile phone ko dekhta.

Ladki ko yaqeen hone laga ki ladka usko chahta hai.

Ek din ladki himmat kar ke us ke pass gayi aur pucha, "Tum roz aise mere ghar ke bahar kyun khade hote ho ??

Ladka ghabra gaya aur foran bola, "Maaf karna bahen actually tumhare Wifi pe password nahi laga hua wo use karne aata hun...."
----------


Kahan, Kyun, Kiske Saath?
COLUMBUS agar married hota to America kabhi discover nahi kar pata. Kyunki tab us se poocha jata:

1. Kahan jaa rahe ho?

3. Kyun Jaa rahe ho?

2. Kiske saath jaa rahe ho?

3. Main bhi chalungi.

4. Wapas kab aaoge?

5. Ghar reh kar hi discover karlo.

6. Mere liye kya laoge?

7. Wapas aate waqt sabji lete aana.

8. Pahunch ke phone karna.

9. Har baar tum hi kyon discover karte ho? Koi aur kyon nahi kar sakta?
----------  
Kanjoos Lovers...
A kanjoos boy fell in LOVE with a kanjoos Girl

Girl: Jab Dad so jayenge to main gali mein ek SIKKA phenk dungi, tum turrant andar aa jana.

Lekin ladka sikka phenne ke ek ghante baad aaya aur kuch pareshaan bhi tha.

Girl: Itni der kyo laga di?

Boy: Wo main sikka DHOOND raha tha.

Girl: Pagal wo tho 'DHAAGA BAANDH' ke phenka tha, tabhi waapas kheench liya tha...
----------  
Indian Friendship
Doston se problem share karna achha hai..... Isliye nahi ki vo use solve ker dete hai but... Saale aise-aise solutions dete hain ki hum problem hi bhool jaate hai.

Indian Friendship is not about: Sorry!
It's about: "Saari Galati Teri Thi."

Indian Friendship is not about: "THANKS!"
It's about: "Koi Ehsaan Nahi Kiya Mujhpe."

Indian Friendship is not about: "I Miss You!"
It's about: "Kahan Mar Gaye Tha Itne Din?"

Indian Friendship is not about: "I Understand"
It's about: "Hamesha Main Hi Kyun Samjhoon"?

Indian Friendship is not about: "I'm happy 4 your success."
It's about: "Chal beta treat de?"

Indian Friendship is not about: "Are you coming to see us tomorrow?"
It's about: "Dramaybazi Band Kar, Aur Chup Chaap Chal Mere Saath."

Indain Friendship is not about: "Just reading this message."
It's about "Sending it to all lovely friends whom you never want to lose."
----------  
Banta Ki Samajhdari!
Ek Baar Gaanv Mein Rehne Wala Banta Shehar Se Aye Apne Friends Ko Ghumaane Le Jaata Hai.

Gaadi Ke Saamane Ke Kaanch Se Doston Ko Kuch Bhi Dikhai Nahin De Raha Tha.

Lekin Banta Sadak Ke Tamaam Gaddhe Bachata Hua Badi Hi Safai Aur Proper Tareeke Se Gaadi Chala Raha Tha.

Doston Ne Hairaan Hokar Puchha: Yaar Banta, Saamane Kanch Se Kuch Bhi Saaf Najar Nahin Aa Raha Phir Bhi Tu Gaadi Itni Parfect Kaise Chala Le Raha Hai?!?

Banta: Kyaa Bataun Yaron... Apni Bhulane Ki Aadat Ke Karan Ab Tak Mere 40-50 Chashme Gum Ho Chuke Hein.

Dost: Are Banta, Hum Driving Ke Bare Mein Puch Rahe Hein.

Banta: Vahi Toh Bata Raha Hun. Chashme Banwa-Banwa Kar Mein Pareshaan Ho Gaya Tha.... Tab Maine Gaadi Ka Kaanch He Chashme Ke Number Vala Banakar Gaadi Mein Lagwa Liya. Ab Koi Dikkat nahin Aati.
----------



Family's Introduction
A man fron UP is introducing his family:

1. Yeh hai meri biwi..... Google Raani... Ek sawal poocho toh 10 jawab deti hai...!!!

2. Yeh hai mera beta.... Facebook Kumar... Ghar ki baat sare colony tak pahuchata hai...!!!

3. Yeh hai meri beti.... Twitter Kumari... Poori colony isko folow karti hai...!!!

4. Aur mein, mein hun Orkut Kumar... Mujhe koi puchhta hi nahi...!!!
----------  
The Real Lover!
Once 3 boys proposed the same girl!

1st: Main tumhare liye apni jaan bhi de sakta hun.

Girl: Woh toh sab kehte hain.

2nd Guy: Main tumhare liye chaand tare tod kar la sakta hun.

Girl: Nothing special, bahut purana dialogue hai.

3rd Guy: Main tumhe apna Facebook ka pasword tak de sakta hun. Yahan tak ki apna facebook account delete bhi kar sakta hun.

Girl, Ankhon main ansu ke sath: Pagal itna chahta hai mujhe ? I Love You Too!!!

Doston, Facebook Badi Cheeaz Hai.
----------  
Generous Santa
Ek din Santa office jaane ke liye bus mein chada toh conductor ne haste hua pucha, "Sir, kal raat theek-thaak ghar pahunch gaye the aap? Kahin gire toh nahin, ya ghar ka raasta toh nahin bhule ghar ka?"

Santa, gusse mein, "Kyun? Kal raat ko mujhe kya hua tha?"

Conductor, "Kal raat aap nashe mein tunn the."

Santa, "Tum kaise kah sakte ho ki main nashe mein tha, hamne toh aapas mein baat bhi nahin ki koi?"

Conductor, "Sir ji, vo aisa hai ki kal raat jab aap bus mein baithe hue the tab ek madam bus mein chadhi, aur aapne uthkar unhe seat offer ki thi."

Santa, hairaani se, "Toh kya kisi lady ko seat offer karna gunah hai?"

Conductor, haste hue, "Gunah toh nahin hai sir, per us time bus mein sirf 4-6 hi passenger the."
----------  
Girlfriend's Call
Ek ladki ne apne boyfriend ko phone kiya toh us ke 10 saal ke bhatije ne phone uthaya.

Ladki: Hello bachche, zara apne uncle ko phone dena please.

Bachcha: Aap ka kya naam bataun uncle ko?aam Name?

Ladki: Apne uncle se kaho ki unki Jaan-E-Man ka phone hai.

Jawab mein bachchey ne jo kaha us ko sun kar bechaari ladki behosh ho gayi.

Bachhe ne badi masumiyat se kaha: Lekin auntie ji is mobile pe toh 'Bitch' Likha hua aa raha hai.
----------



Biwi k kuch awesome kisse!!!
Papa: Arre aaj tumhari mummy itni chup-chap kyun baithi hui hai?
Son: Kuch nahin papa, mummy ne lipstick maangi aur maine galati se fevistick de di.
Papa: (with tears in eyes) Kamaal kar diya yaar, God bless you!



Whats Checkmate?
You tell your wife: I saw a lady, looked exactly like you.
Wife asks: WAS SHE HOT??
You can't say 'No' and you can't even say 'Yes'....
That's Checkmate!



Wife: Where are you?
Husband: I'm at Bank.
Wife: Wow that's good! I need 20,000 for new Cell Phone, 5,000 for new dress, 6000 for new shoes, 4000 for new purse, 8000 for my new cosmetics...
Husband: Sorry, I mean I am at Blood bank, KHOON PIYOGI? KHOON ???
----------  
Black or White?
TV Anchor Charwahe se: Aap Bakre ko kya khilate hain?
Charwaha: Kale ko ya Safaid ko?
Anchor: Safaid ko.
Charwaha: Ghass.
Anchor: Aur Kale ko?
Charwaha: Use bhi Ghass.

Anchor: Inhain bandhte kidher ho?
Charwaha: Kise Kale ko ya Safaid ko?
Anchor: Safaid ko.
Charwaha: Bahar ke kamre mein.
Anchor: Aur Kale ko?
Charwaha: Use bhi bahar ke kamre mein.

Anchor: Aur nehlate kaise ho?
Charwaha: Kise Kale ko ya Safaid ko?
Anchor: Kale ko.
Charwaha: Pani se.
Anchor: Aur Safaid ko?
Charwaha: Use bhi pani se.

Anchor Ghusse se: Abey bewakoof admi jab dono ke saath ek jaisa karta hai to mujhse bar bar puchta kyu hai Kala ya Safaid...???
Charwaha: Kyu ke Safaid bakra mera hai.
Anchor: Aur kala?
Charwaha: Woh bhi mera hai.
----------  
Soap Affair
Ek REXONA naam ki ladki thi.
Jiske Mammi Papa ka naam DAYNA or CINTHOL tha.
Ek MARGO naam ka ladka jo REXONA ko pyaar karta tha or REXONA bhi MARGO ko apna LIFEBOY banana chahti thi. Dono ka pyaar PEARS ki tarah bilkul saaf tha. Dono ki shaadi FAIR & LOVELY Garden mein hui.
Shaadi mein, DETOL, MEDIMIX, LUX, FAA, NIRMA, VIVEL, DOVE Etc. Aate hain.
Shaadi ke kuchh saal baad unke Judwa bachche hue jinka naam rakha gaya "JOHNSON & JOHNSON"
Hanso mat, ye ek tareeka tha aapko btaane ka ki bazaar mein Sabun ki poori family hai, kisi ek member ko pakdo or Nhaa lo.
----------  
Banta Quickies
Banta Apne Guruji Ka Pravachan Sunne Gaya.
Guruji Bole: Jo Jo Swarg Jaana Chahta Hai Vo Apna Haath Khada Kare.
Banta Ki Gharwali Aur Saas Ne Apne Haath Upar Utha Diye.
Guruji Ne Banta Se Pucha: Kya Tum Swarg Nahin Jaana Chahte?
Banta: Guruji, Yeh Dono Chali Jayengi Toh Yahin Par Swarg Ho Jayega.

Aaj Banta Ko Ek Ladki Ka Message Aya.
Girl: Hi......
Banta: Hello
Girl: How Are You?
Banta: Fine
Girl: Where Are You From?
Banta: Hoshiarpur
Girl: Aap Kitna Pade-Likhe Ho?
Banta: Tumhare Jitna.
Girl: Mere Jite!!! Matlab?
Banta: Main Bhi Bas Itni Angreji Bol Kar Seedha Hindi Mein Shuru Ho Jata Hun...
Girl: Mar Ja Kaminee... Tera Kcuh Nahin Hoga!!!

Ghar Ka Kaam Time Se Aur Achche Tarike Se Nahi Ho Paa Raha Tha Toh Banta Apni Biwi Ko Bola: Kaam Ke Liye Koi Bai Hi Rakh Lete Hai?
Preeto Gusse Se Boli: Nahi Chahiye.
Banta: Kyun?
Preeto: Achchi Tarah Jaanti Hun Mein Tumhe Aur Tumhari Tharki Aadaton Ko, Main Bhi Toh Bai Bankar Hi Aayi Thi Kamine.

Ek Diwaar Par Likha Tha: Yahaan Kutte Susu Karte Hain.
Banta Ko Badi Zor Se Susu Aaya Thha, Usne Idhar Udhar Dekha Ki Koi Bhi Nahi Dekh Raha Toh Waha Susu Kar Diya.
Phir Muskura Kar Bola: Ise Kehte Hai Dimaag, Susu Maine Kiya Naam Kutte Ka Aaya.
----------


Shaadi Ke 7 Sukh
1. Subaah subaah garam paani milega..... Bartan dhone ke liye.

2. Pyaare pyaare bachche milenge..... Aapko gadha Banaane ke liye.

3. Har roz biwi aapse pyar se nolegi..... Ration laane ke liye.

4. Biwi aapke baahon me baahein daalegi..... Kharcha paani ke liye.

5. Aap gaana gaana shuru kar doge..... Bachchon ko sulaane ke liye.

6. Wo roz taiyaar hokar saamne aayegi..... Shopping jaane ke liye.

7. Aapko bhi whiskey ka mazaa ayegaa..... Kuch der gum bhulaane ke liye.

NO LIFE WITHOUT WIFE
----------  
Special Note for Ladies
Paani Puri Ki Dukan Par Laga Board:

Munaa Paani Puri Wala, Rs.10/- Ki 6 Paani Puri.

Special Note:

1. Sukhi Paani Puri Ke Alag Se Paise Lagenge.

2. Kripya 6 Paani Puri Chupchap Khane Ke Baad Mirchi Tez Hone Ke Naam Par Aakhri Mein 1 Mufat Maang Ke Sharminda Na Karein.

3. Toot-Foot Ki Koi Jawabdari Nahi. Tooti-Footi Paani Puri Ke Settlement Ke Naam Par Last Mein 1 Extra Paani Puri Mufat Mein Na Mange.

4. Hum Bhi Panchvi Paas Hain Aur 100 Tak Ki Ginati Bindaas Aati Hai! Aakhri Mein "Bhaiya, Meri 2 Aur Baki Hain' Bolkar Cheating Na Karein.

5. Kirpya 10 Rs Ki Paani Puri Kha Kar 500 Rs Ka Note Na Dikhayein Varna 500 Ka Note Jama Kar Liya Jayega Aur Khule Paise Laane Pe Hee Vapas Kiya Jayega.

Mahilaon Hetu Vishesh Roop Se Laagu.
----------  
I Love You!
Ek ladka ek ladki ko bahut chahta tha, lekin apne pyaar ka izhaar karne se darta tha.

Ek din us ladke ne socha ki chahe jo bhi ho jaaye vo us ladki ko msg kar ke 'I Love You' zaroor kahega aur apne prem ka izhaar karega. Usne raat ko apne mobile pe 'I Love You' likha aur us ladki ke number pe SMS send kar diya.

Jaise hi vo sone laga tabhi uske mobile pe ek message aaya lekin usne decide kiya ki vo messages subah uth kar, naha kar, mandir se vaapas aa kar hi message check karega.

Raat bhar vo us ladki ke sapne dekhta raha. Isi chakkar mein subah bhi jaldi uth gaya aur nahakar mandir chala gaya. Mandir se aate hi usne mobile uthaya aur message pada.

Message the:
A/C balance is insufficient.

Main bal is Rs. 0.08.

Msg can not be send.
----------  
India-Pak Cricket Match
Scene: Ajit is watching cricket match of India vs. Pakistan. Chetan is bowling and Javed is batting. Pakistan needs 24 runs in 4 balls.

Ajit: Rabert, Jao Aur Chetan Se Kaho Ki Ek Khatarnak Bouncer Daal De Aur Javed Ko Out Kar De.

Robert: Ok boss!

Robert Jaata Hai Aur Ajit Ka message De Deta Hai. Chetan nods and bowls a bouncer but Javed hits it for a six!

Ajit: Rabert, Ab Chetan Se Kehna Ek Tez Sa Yorker Daal De Aur Javed Kaa Kaam Tamam Kar De.

Robert: Ok boss!!

He goes again and Ajit Ka message Chetan Ko De Deta Hai. Chetan nods and bowls yorker but Javed hits it for a six again. Now there are two balls and 12 runs.

Ajit: Rabert Ab Chetan Se Jaake Kehna Ek Khatarnak Out Swinger Daal De Aur Javed Ko Catch Out Karwa De.

Robert: Ok boss!!!

He goes to Chetan and tells him to bowl an Out Swinger. Chetan nods and bowls an out swinger but Javed again hits it for a six again. Now just one ball and six runs to win.

Robert: Boss, Ab Chetan Ji Se Kya Kehna Hai?

Ajit: Ab Chetan Se Kuch Mat Kehna. Is Baar Javed Ke Paas Jao Aur Kaho Ki Uski Maa Aur Beewi Hamare Kabje Mein Hai!
----------


Aaj Ki Sachchai
Yadi Aap Phoolon Pe So Rahe Hain Toh Ye Aapki Pehli Raat Hai;
Aur Yadi Phool Aap Pe So Rahe Hain Toh Ye Aapki Akhri Raat Hai.
Ajab Teri Duniya Gajab Tere Khel.

Mombatti Jalakar Murdon Ko Yaad Kiya Jaata Hai;
Aur Mombatti Bujha Ke Janamdin Manaya Jaata Hai.
Kaisi Vidambana Hain Hamare Desh Ki.

Phoolan Devi Daaku Hokar Election Jeet Gayi Aur Kiran Bedi Police Waali Ho Kar Bhi Elction Haar Gayi.

Kitni Ajeeb Duniya Hai Ye, Yahan Auratein Dusri Auraton Ki Buraiyaan Karti Nahin Thakti;
Jabki Aadmi Dusri Auraton Ki Tareef Karte Nahin Thakte.
Aadmi Sach Mein Mahaan Hai.

Humne 5 Aadmiyon Ko Beer Pilayi Aur 5 Auraton Ko Dove Lagaya.
Aadmiyon KE Chehre Pe Jyada Rangat Thi.

5 Things Jo Khatam Hone Pe Kaafi Problems Deti Hain.
Dosti
Paisa
Pyar
Sunday Aur
Internet Pack
Last Waala Toh Almost Rula Hi Deta Hai.

Puraane Jamane Mein Jab Koi Akela Baith Ke Hasta Tha Toh Sab Kehte The Ki Us Per Kisi Bhoot-Pret Ka Saaya Hai.
Aajkal Koi Akela Baith Ke Hasta Hai Toh Kehte Hain Ki Mujhe Bhi Send Kar De.
----------  
Talking Parrot!
Boy went to buy a talking parrot!

Boy: Main kaisa lagta hoon?

Parrot: Kamine lagte ho!

Boy: Ye parrot badtameez hai!

Shopkeeper ne parrot ko pani mein duboya or pucha: Phir gali dega?

Parrot: Nahin.

Boy Parrot se: Agar mere sath ghar me ladki aye to tum kya sochoge ?

Parrot: Biwi hogi.

Boy: Agar 2 ladkiya ayen toh?

Parrot: Biwi or saali.

Boy: Agar 3 aye toh?

Parrot: Biwi, sali or dost.

Boy: Agar 4 aaye toh?

Parrot (apne mailk se): Paani le aao bhai.. Maine to pehle hi bola tha kamina hai ye sala!!!
----------  
Driver Ki Phere
Ek Aadmi Ki Shaadi Mein Jab Phere Lene Ki Baari Ayi Toh Pehle Phere Ke Waqt Hee Dulha Phatafat Dulhan Se Aagey Nikal Gaya.

Pandit Ji Ne Dulhe Ko Peechhe Rahane Ko Kaha.

Dusra Phera Ke Lete Waqt Phir Wahi... Dulha Bhagkar Dulhan Se Agey Nikal Gaya.

Pandit Ji Ne Phir Se Dulhe Ko Samjhaya Ki Bhai Tumhe Dulhan Se Peeche Rahna Hai, Aagey Mat Niklo.

Lekin Dulah Baar-Baar Aise Hee Teji Dikhata Aur Dulhan Se Agey Nikal Jaata.

Aisa Hota Dekh Dulhan Ke Pita Ko Gussa Aa Gaya Aur Ve Bola: Yeh Kaisa Dulha Hai Jo Phere Bhi Dhang Se Nahin Le Sakata. Aise Toh Yeh Shaadi Nahin Ho Sakti.

Dulhe Ke Chacha Ne Samajhaate Hue Kaha: Maaf Karna Bhai Sahab, Darasal Ladka Hariyana Roadways Mein Bus Driver Hai, Isliye Ise Baar-Baar Overtake Karne Ki Aadat Hai!
----------  
Police Investigation!
Santa was caught by police.

Police: How did you kill 20 people?

Santa: Main gaadi tez chala raha tha par jab maine brake lagaya, toh pata laga ki brake fail ho gaya hain.

Phir main ne samne dekha toh ek taraf 2 aadmi ja rahe the aur dusri taraf 1 barat ja rahi thi. Ab aap hi batao main gaadi kidhar modta?

Police: Of course, jis taraf 2 admi the. Nuksaan kam hota.

Santa: Exactly. Maine bhi yahi socha tha par woh 2 aadmi meri gaadi dekh kar barat me ghus gaye..!!!
----------


Qualities of Indians...
Some interesting facts about Indians...

1. Jab shampoo ki bottle khatam ho jaaye to usme paani daalo ek baar aur use karlo.

2. Toothpaste ko tab tak use karo jab taq usko pura nichod naa loo.

3. Ghar me showcase me China Crockery ko sirf aur sirf Guests ke liye use karo.

4. Gold kharidna ek gram bhi nai, par Gold ke rates ki bahut chinta hai apne ko.

5. TV ke remote ko zor zor se dabayenge, usse thokenge, par usme nayi batteries nai daalenge.

6. Kisi ne dinner party me invite kiya ho to uss din, din bhar kuch nai khaayenge, taki wahan party mein jee bhar k daba sake.

7. Jab T-Shirt purani ho jaaye to usse night dress bana lo, jab aur jaada purani ho jaaye to use Holi me use karo, Aur fir usska Pocha bana lo. 8. Dominos waale se extra ketchup, oregano, paparika maango taki baad me ghar me use kar sakein.

9. Pani puri khaane k baad, payment karne ke baad free Sukha Puri apna Haq hai...
----------  
Kanjoosi Ki Hadd!
Ek Admi Maha Kanjus Tha! Usne Ek Martbaan Mein Desi Ghee Bhar Kar Usko Kas Ke Band Kar Diya.

Kyunki Kanjoos Darta Tha Ki Uska Ghee Khatam Na Ho Jaye Isliye Jab Bhi Vo Aur Uske Bete Khana Khaate Toh Roti Ko Martbaan Se Ragad Lete Aur Khana Kha Lete The.

Ek Baar Kanjoos Kisi Kaam Ke Silsile Mein Shahar Se Bahar Gaya.

Waapas Aane Pe Use Apne Beton Se Pucha: Tum Logon Ne Khana Time Se Kha Liya Tha Na?

Bete Bole: Ji Pita Ji.

Kanjoos: Bina Ghee Ke Koi Mushkil Toh Nahin Hui? Kyunki Ghee Ka Martbaan Toh Almari Mein Band Kar Ke Gaya Tha.

Bete: Vo Humne Almari Ke Handle Se Rotiyaan Ragad Kar Kha Lee.

Kanjoos: Nalayakon!!! Kya Tum Log Ek Di N Bhi Bina Ghee Ke Khaana Nahin Kha Sakte?

Bete Behosh!!!
----------  
Premature Birth???
Banta ki shaadi ke 3 mahine baad hi beta ho gaya.

Banta: Ye hamara bachcha 3 mahine baad kaise ho gaya? Aur logon ka toh 9 mahine baad hota hai?

Biwi: Aaap bhi na.., Ye batao aapki shaadi ko kitna time hua hai?

Banta: 3 Mahine.

Biwi: Aur meri shaadi ko?

Banta: 3 Mahine.

Biwi: Aur hamara bachcha kitne time baad hua?

Banta: 3 Mahine baad.

Biwi: Total kitne months ho gaye?

Banta Khushi Se: Oh... shit yaar, SAMAY ka pata hi nahi chala... Sorry Janu maine tum par shaq kiya.

Biwi: Please, aisa mat bolo ji, Rulaoge Kya...?
----------  
Students Classification by Age
Classic examples for students of different age groups:

1st to 3rd class: Hey! I studied everything for exam.

4th to 6th class: Hey! That question was very hard so I leave only that question.

7th to 10th class: Hey! Read only important questions.

11th class: I think 4 chapters are enough to get pass.

12th class: Kal exam kaun sa hai yaar?

And in college: Abey kaminon, bata toh dete aaj exam hai, main toh pen bhi nahi laya.
----------


She's Pregnant!
Kanjoos baap k bete ne kaha: Papa meri girfriend pregnant ho gayi hai. 50,000 mang rahi hai, CHUP rehne ke.

Kanjoos baap ne khamoshi se paise de diye.

2 mahine baad dusra beta bola: Meri girlfriend pregnant hai. 75,000 mang rahi hai, CHUP rehne ke.

Kanjoos baap ne ek baar phir khamoshi se paise de diye.

6 mahine baad Kanjoos ki kuwari beti boli: Papa, I am pregnant!

Kanjoos ne usko gale se lagaya aur maatha chum ke khushi se bola: Shabaash beti, ab paise lene ki baari hamari hai.
----------  
Shakki Pati...
Pehle Din:

Pati (phone par): Kahak ho?

Patni: Ghar mein hun darling.

Pati: Achcha agar Ghar mein ho to mixi chalao.

Patni mixi chalati hai..... grrrrr grrrrr grrrrr grrrrrr...

Pati: Achcha theek hai.

Dusre Din

Pati: Kahan ho?

Patni: Ghar pe hi hun darling.

Pati: Achcha agar Ghar mein ho to mixi chalao.

Patni mixi chalati hai..... grrrrr grrrrr grrrrr grrrrrr...

Pati: Acchha theek hai.

Teesre Din pati phone nahin karta aur ghar pahuch jata hai...

Pati, naukrani se: Maalkin kahan hai?

Naukrani: Pata nahi sahab, bahut der se kahi gayi hai lekin sahab... ek baat samajh nahi aayi - Maim saab saath mein mixi kyun le gayi?
----------  
Laila Following Majnu!
Laila ne Majnu ko ek ped ke peeche dekha aur Boli: Tum Majnu ho na ??

Majnu Bola: Haan.

Phir kuch der baad Laila ne Majnu ko jhadiyon ke peeche dekha toh vo boli: Tum Majnu ho na ??

Majnu Bola: Haan, main Majnu hi hoon.

Phir kuch der baad us ne Majnu ko ek diwaar ke peeche dekha aur pucha: Tum Majnu hi ho na ??

Majnu bola: Haan-haan Laila... main Majnu hi hoon, tum mujhe susu karne dogi ya nahin???
----------  
Swarg ki Entry
1st Aadmi : Bhagwan main doctor hoon aur maine logo ki bahot sewa ki hai mujhe swarg mein aane do.

Bhawan: Nahi tum andar nahi aa sakte.

2nd Aadmi: Bhagwan main Brahmin hoon aur maine sari zindagi aapki pooja ki hai mujhe swarg mein aane do.

Bhagwan : Nahi tum bhi andar nahi aa sakte.

3rd Aadmi: Prabhu main shaadi shuda hoon.

Bhagwaan: Bas kar pagle rulayega kya, chal andar swarg mein aaja.
----------



Apna Apna Tariff
Electricity Department Ke Office Ke Saamne Ek Kele Wala Thela Lagaakar Kela Bech Rahaa Tha.

Jab Office Kee Chhutti Hui Toh Electricity Department Ke Ek Engineer Ne Kele Wale Se Poochha: Kele Kya Bhav Hain ?

Kele Walah: Kis Liye Chahiye ?

Engineer: Matlab ?

Kelewala: Mandir Mein Chadhaao Toh 30 Rs. Kg.
Old Age Home Ke Liye 35 Rs. Kg.
School Children Ke Liye 40 Rs. Kg.
Ghar Ke Liye 45 Rs. Kg.
Aur Hotel Ke Liye 50 Rs. Kg.

Engineer: Yeh Kya Baat Hui ? Kele Ek Hee Tarah Ke Aur Bhav Alag-Alag ? Aisa Kyon Bhai?

Kela Walah: Ye To Apna Apna Tariff Hai Sir ! Aap Bhi Toh Ek Hee Pole Se Bijli Dete Ho, Ghar Ke Liye Alag Rate, Dukan Ke Alag Rate, Factory Ke Alag Rate.... Hai Ki Nahi ?
----------  
Nokia Lovers
Shadi mein juta chupai ke time dulhe ki ek saali boli: Jijaji main to 1100 lungi.

Second saali: Jijaji, 1100 se kaam nahin chalega, main toh 2100 hi lungi.

Peeche se Santa bola: 2310 le lo usmein bluetooth aur FM bhi aata hai.
----------  
T20 Exams
Ek Baar Master Ji Apni Class Ke Bachchon Se Puchne Lage: Bachchon Jis Tarah T20 Cricket Aane Se Cricket Dekhne Ka Maza Badh Gaya Hai Usi Tarah Tum Bhi Kuch Aisa Suggest Karo Ki Tumhaare Exams Bhi Bade Interesting Aur Mazedaar Ho Jayein Aur Sab Bachche Exams Se Darein Na.

Jab Koi Nahin Bola Toh Pappu Is Sawaal Ka JAwab Dene K Liye Khada Ho gaya.

Master Ji Uske Khurafati Dimaag Se Parichit The, Vo Jaanta The Ki Ulta-Seedha Bolega, Na Chahte Hue Bhi Bole: Jaldi Se Bata.

Pappu Gambhir Hokar Bola: Master Ji, Hamara Paper 1 Ghanta Aur 20 Minute Ka Hona Chahiye.
Har 20 Minute Ke Baad Students Ko Aapas Mein Baat Karne Ke Liye 2 Minute Ka 'Time Off' Milna Chahiye.
Bachchon Ko Ek Free Hit Milni Chahiye, Jismein Bachche Kisi Bhi Ek Question Ka Answer Apni Marzi Se Kuch Bhi Likh Sakte Hon.
Pehle 20 Minute Mein 'Power Play' Hona Chahiye Jismein Duty Waale Sir Examination Room Se Bahar Hon.

Aur Most Important.... Har Sahi Answer Likhne Pe 'Cheer Girls' Room Mein Aa Ke Dance Karein...
----------  
Sorry Dear!
Ladki apne Boyfriend ko naraz karne ke baad SMS pe kaise manati hai...

1st Hour: Sorry!!!

2nd Hour: Sorry plzz.....

3rd Hour: Plzz ek baar baat karlo...

4th Hour: Plzzz.. reply jaan...

5th Hour: Plzzz itna naraz mat ho...

6th Hour: I'm really sorry, I'll die agar tumne baat nahi ki toh...

7th Hour: Dafa ho, 100 ladke ghumte hai tere jaise... Aise hi sar pe chadha jaa rha hai, bhaad me jaa...

Boy: Sorry Dear, balance nahi tha...

Girl: Ohh.. It's okkk! Love you jaan...
----------



The Real Bitch!
EK shaitaani Chudel ne 60 saal ke husband & wife se kaha: Main tum dono ki ek ek wish puri kar sakti hun.

Wife: Main apne pati ke saath saari duniya ghoomna chaahti hun.

Chudel ne chutki bajayi aur 2 tickets aa gaye.

Phir husband se poochha: Tum bolo kya chaahte ho??

Husband: Mujhe apne se 30 saal chhoti wife chaahiye.

Chudel ne chutki bajayi aur husband ko 90 saal ka kar dia!!!

Moral: Aadmi ko yaad rakhna chaahiye ke Chudel bhi aurat hi hoti hai.
----------  
The Importance of Number 4
4 dino ka pyar o rabba lambi judai.

4 dino ki chandni, phir andheri raat.

4 kitabein toh padh li, ab 4 paise bhi kama lo.

Akhir hamari bhi 4 logon me koi izzat hai.

Ye baat 4 log sunenge to kya kahenge... ke 4 din ki aayi bahu ne ye kamal kiya.

4 din toh ghar mein tik ke baith jati.

Tum se kya 4 kadam bhi nahi chala jata?

Wo aai aur 4 bateein suna ke chali gayi.

4 bottle vodka kaam mera roz ka...
----------  
Papa Hain Vo Tere...
Girlfriend- Mere Papa Mujhe Saara Din Guss Karte Rehte Hain... Hamesha Daantte Rehte Hain.

Boyfriend- Koi Bat Nahi Yaar, Papa Hain Vo Tere.

Girlfriend: Lekin Din Bhar Chillate Rehte Hain Mujhpe... Chup Hone Ka Naam Hi Lete.

Boyfriend Jaanu, Koi Baat Nahin... Papa Hain Vo Tere.

Girlfriend: But Bina Vajah Ke Daantna Bhi Theek Nahin Hai Na Yaar...

Boyfriend Arey Jaane Bhi Do Yaar... Papa Hain Vo Tere.

Girlfriend: Tum Bhi Unki Hi Side Loge..... Meri Toh Koi Value Hi Nhain Hai Tumhare Liya...

Boyfriend Achcha... Bula Toh Usko... Aisi Taisi Na Kar Di Us Buddhe Ki Aaj Toh Mera Naam Badal Dena... Tum Bulao Toh Sahi Ek Baar Us Kamine Khoosat Ko... Aaj Uski Kabr Khod Hi Deta Hun Mein... Hamesh Pareshaan Karta Rehta Hai Meri Jaan Ko... Bula Bula Us Kutte Ko...

Girlfriend: Gaali Mat Do Jaanu... Papa Hain Vo Mere

Boyfriend: Mein Bhi Toh Itni Der Se Yahi Bata Raha Tha Tumko... Ki Papa Hain Vo Tere..
----------  
Dominant Husband!!!
Judge: Kya naam hai tumhaara?

Mulzim: Huzoor, Ram Lal.

Judge: Tum ne 10 saal se apni wife ko dabaa ke, daraa ke, dhamka ke, apne control mein rakha hai.

Mulzim: Judge sahab vo aisa hai ki...

Judge: Khamosh!!! Main safaai nahin maang raha hun; tarika bata tarika!!!!
----------



Movie Names
If movies were made by drinkers, then the titles would be....

Soda Akbar
Rab Ne Pila di Thodi
Rum De Basanti
Hum Tight Ho Chuke Sanam
Beer Zara
Bevde Zameen Par
Ek Tha Bagpiper
Talli six
Rum Maro Rum
Maine Drink Tujko Diya
Bewdy Rathore
Hickk Hick Hota Hai
DaaruDas
Hum Tunn
Maine Neat Kyu Piya
Peg Piya Toh Darna Kya
Ulti Kar Di Aapne
Whiskiya
Pinewale Baatliyaa Le Jayenge..!
----------  
Friends Never Change
RESULT AGAR ACHCHA HO:
Maa: Bhagwan ki kripa hai.
Papa: Beta Kiska Hai.
Dost: Chal Daaru Peete hain.

RESULT AGAR BURA HO:
Maa: Aag lage is college main.
Papa: Laad pyar ne bigaad diya.
Dost: Chal Daaru Peete hain.

NAUKRI LAGNE PAR:
Maa: Apni sehat ka khyal rakhna.
Papa: Khoob Mehnat se kaam karna.
Dost: Chal Daaru Peete hain.

NAUKRI CHHOOTNE PAR:
Maa: Naukri hi kharab thee.
Papa: Koi baat Nahin, doosri mil jayegi.
Dost: Chal Daaru Peete hai.

BIRTHDAY PAR:
Maa: Jug jug jiye mera beta.
Papa: Hamesha aage badhe.
Dost: Chal Daaru Peete hai.

SHAADI PAR:
Maa: Sadaa Sukhi Raho.
Papa: Khush Raho.
Dost: Chal Daaru Peete hai.

LOVE MAIN FAIL HONE PAR:
Maa: Beta Bhool ja usko.
Papa: Mard ban.
Dost: Chal Daaru Peete hai.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Duniya badal jaati hai par DOST kabhi bhie nahin badalte... Cheers to all.
----------  
Unknown Caller!
A man got a call from unknown number...

Caller: Hi, are you single ???

Man: Yes, but who are you... ???

Caller: Your wife... Aaj ghar aana tab bataoongi.

Another call from unknown number...

Caller: Are you married...?

Man: Yes, but who are you.. ??

Caller: Your girlfriend, U cheat...

Man: Sorry baby, I thought it was my wife...

Caller: Wife hi hoon kamine, aaj tum bas ghar aao...
----------  
Confused Pappu!
During Exam...
Madam: Why are you so confused..?

Pappu: *Silent*

Madam: Did you forget your pen...?

Pappu: *Silent*

Madam: Forgot roll no...?

Pappu: *Silent*

Madam: Forgot calculator..?

Pappu: Oye chup kar ja maata..!! Yaha parchi galat subject ki le aya, tujhe pen, pencil ki agg lagi hai..!!!
----------



Sabki Pasand Nirma
Washing powder Nirma....

Washing powder Nirma....

Doodh si safedi Nirma se Aaye.....

Rangeen kapde bhi Khil khil jaaye...

Sabki pasand Nirma....

Washing powder Nirma...

Kuch bhi Post karo, log padhte zarur hain.... Woh bhi tune ke saath
----------  
Santa-Jeeto Jokes
Khaana Khaate Huye Santa Ne Jeeto Ko Aawaz Lagaai Aur Pucha: Bhagyawan...! Yeh Jo Tumne Sabji Banaai Hai Ise Kya Kehte Hain?
Jeeto: Kyun, Kisliye Poochh Rahe Ho?
Santa: Arrey Bhai Mujhse Bhi Toh Swarg Mein Poochha Jayega Ki Kya Kha Ke Mare The?

Ek Baar Santa Aur Jeeto Chori Ke Topic Par Baat Kar Rahe The.
Santa: Jo Insan Chori Karta Hai, Wo Baad Mein Zaroor Pachhtaata Hai.
Jeeto (Romantic Mood Mein): Aur Tumne Jo Shaadi Se Pehle Meri Neendein Churaai Thi Unke Baare Mein Kya Khayal Hai?
Santa: Keh Toh Raha Hoon, Jo Chori Karta Hai Wo Baad Mein Pachhtata Zaroor Hai.

Ek Baar Jeeto Ne Santa Se Pucha: Agar Main Aapko 2-3 Din Na Dikhoon Toh Aapko Kaisa Lagega??
Santa Se Khushi Ke Maare Raha Nahi Gaya Aur Usne Bhi Bol Diya: Bahut Achcha Lagega.
Jeeto Ko Bada Gussa Aaya... Bas Phir Kya Tha....
Jeeto Monday Ko Nahi Dikhi.
Tuesday Ko Nahi Dikhi.
Wednesday Ko Nahi Dikhi.
Thursday Ko Bhi Nahi Dikhi.
Aur Phir Friday Ko Jab Santa Ki Aankh Ki Soojan Zara Si Kam Huyi Toh Thodi Thodi, Dhundli Si Dikhai Di.

Santa Ki Wife Ka Baby Hone Wala Thha So Hospital Mein Admit Thhi.
Nurse: Mubarak Ho Aap Ke Ghar Ladka Paida Hua Hai.
Santa: Wah Ji Wah Kya Technology Hai, Biwi Meri Hospital Hai, Aur Bachcha Mere Ghar Paida Hua Hai.
----------  
New Year's Resolutions
Teacher: Happy New Year bachchon! Aaj se 2014 start ho raha hai. Is naye saal pe kasam khao ki kabhi bhi sharaab aur cigarette nahin piyoge, drugs nahin loge, non veg nahin khaoge.

Bachche: Theek hai sir, hum sharaab, cigarette, drugs, non veg ko chuenge tak nahin.

Teacher: Kabhi ladkiyaan nahin chedoge.

Bachche: Nahin chedenge sir.

Teacher: Kabhi jua nahin kheloge.

Bachche: Nahin khelenge sir.

Teacher: Desh ke liye apni jaan tak bhi de denge.

Bachche: De denge sir, aisi jaan ka karna bhi kya hai.
----------  
Maa Sab Jaanti Hai
5 year Old Boy: I Love you Mom.
Mom: Awwwww ! I Love you Too.

16 year Old Boy: I Love you Mom.
Mom: Sorry ! I Have No Money.

25 year Old Boy: I Love You Mom.
Mom: Kaun Hai ? Kahan Rehti Hai Wo ?

Moral: Maa Sab Jaanti Hai!

35 year Old Man: Mom I Love You.
Mom: Beta Pehle Hi Bola Tha Us Chudail Se Shadi Mat Karna.

And The Best One is...
45 Year Old Man: Mom I love you.....
Mom: Beta Main Kisi Bhi Paper Pe Sign Nahin Karungi.
----------



Lying Boyfriend
Do Ladkiyan Aapas Mein Baatein Kar Rahi Thi.

1st Girl: Aaj Ke Baad Kisi Bhi Ladke Par Vishwaas Nahi Karungi, Sab Sale Jhoothe, Dhokhebaaz Aur Kameene Hote Hain...

Her Friend: Kyun Kya Hua, Tere Boy Friend Ne Tujhe Kuch Kaha Kya?

1st Girl Gusse Mein: Naam Mat Le Us Jhuthe Dokhebaaj Ka, Main Toh Aaj Ke Baad Uska Munh Bhi Nahi Dekhungi.

Friend Ne Hairani Se Puchha: Kyun? Aisa Bhi Kya Ho Gaya, Tune Use Kisi Aur Ladki Ke Saath Pakad Liya Kya?

1st Girl: Arre Nahi... Uski Itni Aukaat Kahan Ki Vo Dusri Girlfriend Rakhe...

Her Friend: Toh Phir Hua Kya ???

1st Girl: Yaar Usne Mujhe Mere 2nd Boy Friend Ke Saath Dekh Liya, Jab Ki Usne Mujhe Kal Kaha Tha Ki Woh Out Of City Ja Raha Hai... Kamina Kahin Ka.... Ek Number Ka Liar
----------  
Girl's Reactions!
Reactions of a Girl without a boyfriend:
1) Main nahi padti in chakkaro meine..!
2) Mere liye mere gharwale important hain aur unke saamne boyfriend kuch bhi nahi...!
3) Sab Ladke Ek Jaise Hi Hote Hain..!!

Same Girl after having a boyfriend:
1) Yaar pata nahi kaise ho gaya pyaar, uske siway kuch nahi dikhta ab mujhe..!!
2) Gharwalon ko manana padega kaise bhi, I can't leave him and mein uske bin nahin rah sakti..!!
3) Wo baaki ladkon ki tarah nahi hai, he loves me a lot..!!
----------  
Santa's Railway Interview..
Santa ka Railway Interview:

Interviewer: Agar do gaadiyan ek line pe aa gayi toh kya karoge?

Santa: Jee, red light dikhaunga.

Interviewer: Red light na hoto?

Santa: Torch dikhaunga...

Interviewer: Torch na ho toh?

Santa: Apni red shirt utaar kar dikhaunga.

Interviewer: Shirt bhi red na huyi toh?

Santa: Phir main apne bua ke ladke ko bulaunga...

Interviewer: Hain..!! Wo kyun?

Santa: Jee, usne kabhi traino accident nahin dekha...
----------  
Let there be light
Ek gaon me bijli aane waali thi. Wahan ke sabhi log khush the...

Bijli aane ki khushi mein sab gaon waale jhum rahe the, nach rahe the, gaa rahe the, celebrations chal rahi thi...

Wahin ek kutta bhi jhum-jhum ke nach raha tha... enjoy kar raha tha ann bada hi khush tha.

Gaon ke ek admi ne kutte se puchha, "Are bhai tun kyo nach raha hai ?

Kutta bola, "Bijli ayegi to khambe bhi to lagenge...."
----------


Banta's First Date
Jab Banta College Mein Tha, Toh Uske Bholepan Ki Wajah Se Ek Ladki Se Uski Dosti Ho Gayi.

Ek Din Dono Ka Program Bana Ki Aaj Date Pe Chalte Hai Aur Kahi Dinner Karte Hai.

Toh Dono Ja Pahunch Jaate Hain Ek Badiya Se Hotel Mein. Dono Mein Baaton Ka Daur Chalta Raha, Saath Saath Main Kuch Mocktails.... Snacks... Soup... Bhi Chalte Rahe... Aur Phir Last Mein Dono Dinner Karna Shuru Kiya.

Dinner Karte Karte Achanak Banta Badi Masoomiyat Se Ladki Ki Taraf Dekhne Lagta Hai.

Ladki Puchti Hai: Kya Hua? Aise Kyun Dekh Rahe Ho?

Banta, Dheere Se: Maine Aapko Kuch Kehna Hai, Aap Naraz To Nahi Ho Jaoge Na?

Ladki, Sharma Ke: Nahi Ji, Bilkul Nahin. Aap Boliye.

Banta: Bill Adha Adha Kar Lein, Koi Problem Toh Nahi Aapko???
----------  
When Santa Caught Spying...
Santa was caught by Mughal soldiers and they took him to their king Akbar.

Akbar: Kaun ho tum?

Santa: Jahanpanah, main Santa hun.

Akbar: Itni raat tum hamare mahal ke paas kya rahe the?

Santa, ghabraate hue: Ji... main...vo... kuch nahin.. bas aise hi...

Akbar: Sipahiyon, isko bandi bana do...

Santa pleads: Nahin Jahanpanah, aisa mat kariye, please mujhe banda hi rehne do.
----------  
Alcohol Therapy
Apni Sharaab Kee Lat se pareshaan Santa Doctor Ke Paas Gaya.

Santa: Doctor Sahab.... Meri Sharaab Chhudaao !

Doctor: Roz Kitni Peete Ho ?

Santa: 4 Peg !

Doctor: Aaj Se 1 Peg Kam Kar Do Aur 1 Hafte Ke Baad Mujhse Milo.

1 Hafte Baad....
Doctor: Abhi Kitni Pee Rahe Ho Roz ?

Santa: Jitni Aapne Bataayi Thee... Sirf 3 Peg !

Doctor: Aaj Se 1 Peg Aur Kam Kar Do Aur Agle Hafte Mujhe Phir Se Milo.

Phir 1 Hafte Ke Baad...
Doctor: Ab Kitne Peg Le Rahe Ho ?

Santa: 2 Peg Sir !

Doctor: Good ! Ab Aaj Se Daily Sirf 1 Peg Lena Hai, Theek Hai? Santa: Par Doctor Sahab... 1 Peg Mein Poori Bottle... Peg Kuchh Jyada Tight Nahi Ho Jayega ???
----------  
How to Stop Telemarketing Calls...
I called at Vodafone Customer Care, a girl picked up the phone.

Girl: Vodafone care mein aapka swaagat hai.

Me: Thank you.

Girl: Mein aapki kya sahaayta kar sakti hun??

Me: Kya aap shaadi karna chahti hain mujhse??

Girl: Jee aapne galat number laga diya hai.

Me: Nahin nahin, maine sahi number lagaya hai, aap shaadi karengi?

Girl: Jee mein shaadi main interested nahin hun.

Me: Arre madam sun toh lijiye ek baar.

Girl: Not interested.

Me: Love marriage karengi toh honeymoon Switzerland mein, arrange marriage karengi toh Paris mein.

Girl: Jee mein aapse shaadi karna hee nahinchahti toh aap offer kyun de rahe hain??

Me: Court marriage ka expense 10,000 Rs, normal wedding ka expense 2,00,000 Rs.

Girl: Aapko samajh nahin aata ki mujhe shaadi nahin karni phir bhi aap samajhte nahin.

Me: Ab pata chala madam aapko humara dard, jab hume aapke offers mein interest nahin hota phir bhi aap humaari naak mein ungli karne baar baar call karti rehti hain.

Girl shocked, I rocked....
----------



Doctor's Love Letter
Kaafi Time Pehle Ka Kissa Hai. Ek Sundar Aur Bholi Si Ladki Ek Chemist Shop Ke Saamne Kaafi Der Se Khadi Thi! Bheed Chhatne Ka Intezaar Kar Rahi Thi.

Shop Ka Owner Usko Shaq Ki Nazaron Se Ghoor Raha Tha...

Bahut Der Baad Jab Dukaan Mein Koi Customer Nahin Bacha, Toh Wo Ladki Dukaan Mein Aayi! Ek Salesman Ko Dheere Se Ek Kone Mein Bulaya. Ye Dekhkar Dukaan Ka Malik Ab Aur Bhi Jyada Chaukanna Ho Gaya.

Ladki Ne Dheere Se Ek Kagaj Salesman Ko Pakda Diya.

Salesman Ne Kagaj Ko Dekha Aur Pucha (Confused): Kya Hai Ye?

Ladki Ne Sharmate Hue Dheere Se Kaha: Bhaiya, Meri Ek Doctor Ke Sath Shaadi Fix Ho Gayi Hai Aur...

Salesman: Toh?

Ladki: Aaj Unka Pehla Khat Aaya Hai, Thoda Padhkar Sunayenge Kya? Writing Samajh Mein Nahin Aa Rahi Hai!!!
----------  
Role Reversal
Ek Admi Ne Bhagvaan Se Pucha: Main Sara Din Kaam Kartaa Hoon... Apne Parivaar Ke Liye Itni Mehnat Karta Hoon Meri Patni Pura Din Ghar Mein Rah Kar Karti Kyaa Hai? Uski Zindagi Bahut Saral Hai... Aisa Kyun Prabhu?

Bhagvaan Bole: Kyun Na 2 Din Ke Liye Tumhe Patni Bana Dete Hain Aur Tumhari Biwi Ko Pati??

Aadmi Maan Gayaa.

Agle Din Subah 5 Baje Alaarm Baj Gayaa... Usne Uth Kar Bachchon Ka Breakfast Aur Lunch (Tiffin) Banaya, Phir Bachchon Ko Ready Kar Ke School Bheja. Phir Patni Ko Uthaa Kar Uska Naashta Banaya... Patni Ke Jaane Ke Baad Ghar Saaf Kiyaa... Abhi Naashta Karne Baitha Hi Tha Ki Kaamwaali Aa Gayi... Vo Gayi Toh Bachchon Ke School Se Aane Ka Time Ho Gaya. Unhe Khana Khilayaa Aur Homevark Karane Baith Gaya. Shaam Ke Khaane Ki Taiyaari Kar Ke Bachchon Ko Evening Classs Mein Le Gaya.
Shaam Ko Patni Ke Aane Par Khana Parosa Toh Patni Ne Usamein 4 Kamiyaan Nikaal Di... Agle Din Subah Uthakar Sabse Pehle Bhagvaan Se Prarthna Kee: Bhagvaan Mujhe Vaapas Adami Bana Do... Mujhe Samajh Aa Gaya Ki Aurat Kitna Kaam Karti Hai...

Kahaani Mein Twist.. Bhagvan Bole: Vaise Toh Tujhe 2 Din Ke Liye Aurat Bananaa Tha, Lekin Ab Main Chaah Kar Bhi Tujhe Aadmi Nahin Bana Sakta.

Aadmi: Kyun Prabhu...???

Bhagvaan: Kyunki Kal Raat Ko Tum Pregnant Ho Gaye Ho.
----------  
Malik Aur Murghiyan
'Agar tum sab ne 2-2 ande nahi diye to tum sub ko kaat dunga...'

Agli subah sab ne 2-2 ande diye, magar 1 ne 1 anda diya...

Malik: Tum ne 1 anda kyun diya.

Usne kaha,"abe kaminey..... woh toh katne ke darr se de diya...... warna main toh Murga hun !!
----------  
Thanks SMS!
Ek husband ne apni wife ko ek SMS bheja:

Thanks for making my life wonderful and being a part of my life. What ever I am is only because of you. You are my angel thanks for coming in my life and making it worth living. You're Great.

Uski wife ne reply bheja: Pee li hai na ? Ab chup chap ghar aa jao...
DARO MAT... KUCHH NAHI BOLUNGI..!!!

Husband: Thank you!
----------


Students and Their Favourite Songs...
SCHOOL:
Apni toh paatshala, masti ki pathshala...

TUTION:
Idhar chala main udhar chala, jaane kahaan main kidhar chalaa...

MATHS:
Ajeeb dastan hai yeh, kahan shuru khana khatgam...

SCIENCE:
Aa khusi se kudkushi karle...

GEOGRAPHY:
Musafir hoon main yaaro, na ghar hai na thikaana...

ECONOMICS:
Kyu paisa paisa karti hai, paise pe kyu tu marti hai....

EXAM:
Zehrelein raatey ninde udd jati hai...

RESULT:
Jiya dhadak dhadak jaye, Jiya dhadak dhadak jaye...

PASS:
Aaj mai upar asman niche, aaj mai aage jamana hai pichhe...

FAIL:
Jag suna suna lage...
----------  
Pappu Ke Saath Dhokha
Pappu Ki Harkaton Se Tang Aa Kar Santa Ne Usko Hostel Mein Dal Diya.

Ek Din Hostel Ke Room Mein Baith Ke Vo Jor Jor Se Ro Raha Tha.

Uske Friend Bunty Ne Us Se Pucha: Kya Hua Yaar, Ro Kyu Raha Hai?

Pappu: Yaar Mere Saath Bahut Bada Dhokha Hua Hai, Aur Vo Bhi Daddy Ne Kiya.

Bunty: Kyun? Kya Kiya Unhone?

Pappu: Yaar Paison Ki Jarurat Thi, So Unko Bola Ki Books Ke Liye Paise Bhej Do.

Bunty: Toh?

Pappu: Toh Kya, Unhone Books Hi Bhej Di...
----------  
Please Take Care of Yourself
Husband: Dubai ja raha hun...
Wife: Mere liye jewellery lana...

Husband: Paris ja raha hun....
Wife: Mere liye cosmetics lana...

Husband: London ja raha hun...
Wife: Perfumes leke aana...

Husband: Narak mein ja raha hun...
Wife: Bhagwan ka diya sub kuch hai... bas tum apna khyal rakhna..!!!
----------  
Santa Quickies
Bank Manager Santa Ki Application Pe Ek Ajeeb Sa Signature Dekhta Hai... @/e
Bank manager: Ye Kaisa Ajeeb Sa Signature Hai? Aur Kiska Sign Hai Ye???
Santa: Ye Sign Meri Daadii Ka Hai!
Bank Manager: Aisa Ajeeb Sa Sign? Kya Naam Hai Unka?
Santa: Jalebi Baai...

Santa went to a restaurant in China
Chinese Waiter: Sir I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue and Frog Legs.
Santa: Yaar Tu Apni Problems Chhodd, Menu Card Le Aa...!!!

Subah Subah Jeeto Ne Santa Se Newspaper Maanga.
Santa: Kitni Backward Ho Tum, Duniya Kahan Se Kahan Pahunch Gayi Aur Tum Newspaper Maang Rahi Ho?? Ye Mera TAB Le Lo...
Jeeto Ne Tab Liya Aur Us Se Cockroach Maar Diya...
Santa Behosh...
Moral: Biwi Jo Maange... De Do!!
----------



Karva Chauth Offer!
Chitrgupt Bohut Pareshaan The Aurr Brahma Ji Se Bole: Hey Prabhu Ye Karvachauth Ke Vratt Se 7 Janam Tak Ek Hi Pati Milne Wali Yojna Band Kar Dein.

Bramha Ji Ne Pucha- Kyon? Kya Hua?

Chitrgupt: Prabhu Manage Karna Mushkil Ho Gaya Hai. Sabhi Aurteein 7 Janam Tak Wahi Purush Maangti Hai Par Sabhi Purush Har Bar Dusri Aurat Maangte Hai Bohot Dikkat Ho Rai Hai.

Brahma Ji Ne Kaha: Ye Scheme Aadi Kaal Se Chali Aa Rahi Hai, Ise Band Nahi Kia Jaa Sakta. Prithvi Par Ek Santa Naam Ka Prani Rehta Hai, Usse Jaa kar Salah Lijiye.

Chitrgupt Santa Ke Paas Gaye or Unse Salah Maangi.

Santa Bola: Jo Bhi Aurat 7 Janam Tak Wahi Pati Demand Kare Use Dedo Par Saath Mein Shart Bhi RakhDo Ke Pati Wahi Chahiye Toh Saas Bhi Wahi Milegi, Demand Apne Aap Band...
----------  
Caught Smoking!
Chintu chup ke cigarette pee raha tha, tabhi us ke papa aa gaye. Chintu ne ghabrahat mein, jaldi se cigarette shirt ki jeb mein chupa li.

Papa, gusse se: Kya tum cigarette pee rahe the?

Chintu: Nahin toh...

Papa: Toh phir tumhari shirt se yeh dhuwan kyun nikal raha hai?

Chintu: Papa aap ne baat hi dil jalane wali ki hai toh dhuan toh niklega hi.
----------  
Defective Laptop!
Ek ladki ne new laptop liya...

Sham ko, gusse mein bhadkti hui, vapis aai aur dukan wale se boli: Ye lappy bekar hai, ismein purane PC ki file paste nahi ho rahi hai.

Shopkeepr: Not possible! Ye latest laptop he aur ismein aisa ho hi nahi sakta. Ap jara batayengi ke kaise kiya aap ne copy and paste ?

Ladki shop keeper ko ghar le gai, apne computer ko on kiya mouse se right click kar ke file copy ki fir PC se mouse nikal ke laptop me lagaya, aur right click kar ke boli: Dekho paste ka option kahna hai ?

Shopkeeper on the spot be-hosh...
----------  
AGAR MAI BILL GATES HOTA
Ek teacher kaha ki 'AGAR MAI BILL GATES HOTA' par essay likho. Saare students likhne lag gaye. Teacher ne dekha ki sab likh rahe hain but apna Pappu sirf smile kar raha tha, yahan vahan dekh rajah tha lekin likh nahin raha tha.

Teacher: Pappu, tum kyu nai likh rahey?

Pappu: Madam ji, main apni seceretry ka intzaar kar raha hun.

This is attitude...
----------


Feeding Chickens
Murgiyon Ke Farm Mein Inspection Ke Liye Ek Inspector Aaya.

Inspector: Tum Murgiyon Ko Kya Khilate Ho?

Pehla Aadmi: Janaab Bajra...

Inspector: Kharab Khana, Ise Giraftaar Kar Lo.

Dusra Aadmi: Sir Ji, Mein Chawal Daalta hun Inko.

Inspector: Galat Khana, Ise Bhi Giraftar Kar Lo.

Ab Baari Aayi Apne Santa Ki.

Santa (Darte-Darte): Hum Toh ji Murgiyon Ko 10-10 Rs De Dete Hain Aur Kehte Hain Ki Jo Tumhari Marji Ho Jaakar Khaa Lo.
----------  
Nice Dress!
A girl come in class wearing new sandals.

A boy comments: Chappal achhi hai.

Girl, gusse mein: Nikalun kya?

Then all the boys: Tumhaari dress toh aur bhi achchi hai......
----------  
What's In a Name
Ek baar ek ladka barsaat ki raat mein ek aunty ko, jo bus stop pe khadi thi, ghar chorne chala gaya.

Ghar pahunh kar aunty ne ladke ka shukriya kiya aur boli: Beta raat bohut ho gai hai, tum yahin BITTU ke kamre me so jao!
Ladka bola: Nahin aunty mein yahin SOFA par so jaunga.
Agle din Subah ek bohut hi sundar, hot ladki chai le kar aai.
Ladka: Aap kaun ho.......??
Ladki: Me BITTU hun. Aap kaun.....??
Ladka: Main saala ullu ka pattha....
----------  
Taweez ka kamaal!
Aurat: Baba ji, mera shohar ghar aatey hi mujhe maarna peetna shuru kar dete hain.

Baba ek taweez nikaal ke us aurat ko deta hai aur kehta hai: Woh jaise hi ghar aaye toh tum ye TAWEEZ apne daant ke neechey dabaa lena.

After 5 days...

Aurat: Baba Ji kamaal ho gaya. Taweez daant ke neechey dabane ka itna phayda hua ke ab woh mujhe kuch nahi kehte.

Baba: Ye phayda Taweez ka nahi, balki apni Zubaan band rakhne ka Hai...
----------


SOS Call...
Pappu ne live Radio Station call ki: Hello... Ji Ye Radio Station Hai ?

RJ: Ji Haan.

Pappu: Meri awaaz pura shehar sun raha hai ?

RJ: Ji Haan.

Pappu: Yani ghar mein jo meri behan radio sunn rahi hai wo bhi sun rahi hogi.?

RJ, gusse mein: Haaan bai haan .

Pappu: Hello Gullo! Agar meri aawaz sun rahi hai toh jaldi se motor chala de...! Main chhat par... toilet mein hun aur paani khatam ho gaya hai...
----------  
Tera kya hoga Kaaliya????
Gabbar ke adde par... Dhiskyon, dhiskyaon....
Gabbar: Yeh bhi bach gaya! Tera kya hoga Kaaliya?
Kaaliya: Mujhe mat maro sardaar, maine aapka namak khaya hai.
Gabbar: Safed namak ya kala namak?
Kaaliya: Safed.
Gabbar: Iodine tha kya usame?
Kaaliya: Haan.
Gabbar: Free flowing hai kya?
Kaaliya: Jee haan...
Gabbar: ISI mark hai kya?
Kaaliya: Haan.
Gabbar: 'Dukan' se liya ya 'Super Market' se ya sarkaari depot se?
Kaaliya: Gaon walo ne diya tha sardaar.
Gabbar: MRP dekha tha kya?
Kaaliya: Haan.
Gabbar: Expiry date bhi dekhi thi kya?
Kaaliya: Haan sardaar..
Gabbar: Tata tha ya Captain Cook?
Kaaliya: Sardar, main Namak Haram hoon... mujhe goli mar do.
----------  
Children Allowance
Banta ke 4 bachche the. Government ne elaan kiya: Jiske 5 bachche honge usko Rs 2000/ mahina diya jayega...

Banta ne apni biwi se kaha: Mera 1 beta meri girl friend ke pass hai, main usko bhi le ke aata hoon...

Banta jab vapas Ghar aya toh apney 2 bachche gayab...

Banta ne apni biwi se pucha: 2 bachche Kahah hain...???

Biwi: Jis-jis ke the vo le gaye. Tum ne akele ne toh elaan nahi suna tha...
----------  
A True Gentleman!
A Girl to a Boy in a train: Can I sit here?

Boy: It' all yours.

Girl: Can I take some water?

Boy: Ya sure, my goodness.

Girl, thodi der ke baad: Bhaiya agla station kaun sa hai?

Boy: Mere baap ne mere bheje mein GPS fit nahi kar rakha hai, jaldi se seat khaali kar, mujhe neend aa rahi hai.
----------



Pyaar Ka Bhoot!
Ek din khuda ne mujhse kaha: "Mat kar intezar is janam mein uska, Milna mushkil hai.
Maine bhi keh diya: "Lene de maza intezar ka, agle janam mein to mumkin hai."

Phir khuda ne kaha: "Mat kar itna pyar bahut pachhtayega."
Muskura ke maine kaha: "Dekhte hain tu kitna mujhe tadpayega."

Phir khuda ne kaha: "Bhool ja use, Chal tujhe jannat ki apsra se milata hu." Maine kaha: "Aa neeche dekh mere pyar ka muskurata chehra, tujhe jannat ki apsra bhulvata hu.

Gusse mein khuda ne kaha: "Mat bhool apni aukaat tu to ek insaan hai." Haas kar Maine kaha: "Toh mila de mujhe mere pyar se aur Saabit kar ki tu hi Bhagwan hai."

Phir khuda ne guuse mein uski mujhse shadi kara di. Sab bhoot utar gaya.
----------  
Urgent Call!
Ek husband market jaata hai aur kisi kaam se apni wife ko call karta hai.

Husband: Helloo, call me Shonu.
Wife: Mera Shona Babu....

Husband: Arrrrre.... Call Me Sweetheart...
Wife: My sweetu... Sweetheart....

Husband: Ufffff...... Call me Honey...
Wife: Mera hannu darling....

Husband: O pagal aurat, call kar mujhe, balance nahi hai aur mujhe bahut zaroori kuch puchna hai, emergency hai...

Wife: Oho... ok ok... Sorry... Sorry.. Abhi karti hu!
----------  
Not a Bad Mother-In-Law
Husban and wife mein jhagda ho raha tha...

Biwi: Kaash main apni maa ki baat maan leti aur tum se shaadi na karti.

Pati: Kya matlab tumhari maa ne tumhe mujh se shaadi karne ke liye mana kiya tha..?

Biwi: Aur nahi toh kya......

Pati: Hey Bhagwaan, main aaj tak us nek aurat ko kitna bura samjhta raha jisne mujhe bachana chaha...!
----------  
Unbreakable Mirror!
Ladki: Bhai saab, is mirror ka kya rate hai???

Shopkeeper: Iska rate? Yeh sirf 100 Rs ka behanji.

Ladki: Aur is waale ka kitna hai?

Shopkeeper: Iska ji sirf 200 Rs hai.

Ladki: Aur Bhaiya iska kitna hai, ye jo red colour ka hai?

Shopkeeper: Iska ji sirf 1000 Rs hai.

Ladki: Ohh...!!! Itna mehnga? Kya khaas baat hai is sheeshe mein???

Shopkeeper: Madam ji agar aap isko 100 floor se niche girao toh ye mirror 99 floors tak nai tutega... arre tutega kya behan ji, isko kuch bhi hi nahin hoga.

Ladki: Wah, kya baat hai! Bhaiya 2 piece pack kar do.
----------

Fastest Bird!
Teacher: Kaun si chidiya sabse fast urti hai...........??

Student: Mam, Haathi !!

Teacher: Nalayak!!! Tera baap kya karta hai.......??

Student: Ji woh Al Qaida mein aatankwadi ka kaam karte hai !!!

Teacher: Shabash beta! Likho bacchon, answer likho, HAATHI.
----------  
Clerk Ka Kamaal
Thekedar Se Setting Ho Jaane Ke Baad Clerk Ne Sahab Ko Bata Kar File Rakhi.

Sahab Ne Likha "Approved"

Do Din Baad Thekedar Apne Vaade Se Mukar Gaya.
Clerk Ne Sahab Ko Bataya.
Sahab Bole Ab Kya Karein?
Clerk Ke Dimaag Ka Kamaal Dekhiye...
Clerk Ne Kaha - Sir "Approved" Ke Pehle "Not" Likh Deejiye.

Ab Thekedar Pareshan. Phir Se Setting Huyi. Clerk Ne Phir Se Sahab Ke Saamne File Lekar Pahuncha.

Sahab Jhallaye Aur Clerk Se Pucha: Ab Kya Karein?
Phir Clerk Ke Dimaag Ka Kamaal Dekhiye...
Clerk Ne Kaha Sir: "Not" Mein Kewal "E" Laga Dein Means "Note Approved"

Ab Aap Hi Bataiye Ki Desh Kaun Chala Raha Hai.
----------  
Crossed Cheque!
There was a good looking woman who used to come to the bank.

All the guys working in the bank were always amazed to see her.

All instructed the cashier to shout "Cheque Aaya Re, Cheque Aaya Re..." as soon as she enters the bank.

This happened a couple of times. At first, the woman felt a little weird but then guessed what was going on.

One day when she came, as usual the cashier shouted "Cheque Aaya Re...."

The woman calmly showed her 'Mangalsutra' and shouted: "Cheque Toh Aaya Re Koi Phayda Nahin... Kyunki Ye Crossed Cheque Hai!!!"
----------  
Wrong Size!!!
Ek aurat chappal ki dukaan pe.

Aurat: Bhaiya, ek chappal dikhao?

Dukandaar: Number kya hai?

Aurat: 36 Number.

Dukandaar: Bhabhi Ji, dimag pe zor daalo aur soch ke batao ki kya lene aayi ho aap.
----------



Anything for Friends!
Bhagwan ne mujhse kaha ki Tu apna 1 pyara dost chhod de main tujhe Smartphone dunga...

2 ko chhod de toh Rolex ghadi dunga...

5 ko chhod de toh 50 lakh cash dunga...

Aur Sabhi doston ko chhod de toh Ferrari dunga...

Maine Bhagwan ko dekha aur kaha,

Hey Bhagwan..
Yeh dost wo hain jinhone meri har khushi, har gam mein saath diya...

Mere bachpan se lekar aaj tak mere saath rahe...

Kabhi main roya to apne hathon se mere ansoo pochhe...

Ek glass pani bhi piya to bhi mere saath share kiya...

Meri ek awaz par daude chale aaye...

Aur aap kehte ho ki mein ek "FERRARI" ke liye inhe chhod dun..???

KHAIR, Koi baat nahi...

Lekin "FERRARI" Red color ki hi dena....!!
----------  
Robot Car Aur Bachche!
Ek Aadmi Ek Aisi Robot Car Banat Hai Jo Bina Driver Ke Sab Kaam Karti Hai.

Ek Din Us Aadmi Ki Wife Usse Kehti Hai: Bachchon Ki School Ki Chhutti Ka Time Ho Gaya, Apni Car Se Bolo Baccho Ko Le Aaye.

Aadmi Ne Car Ko Bola: Go And Get My Kids From School.

Car Ko Gaye Kaafi Time Ho Gaya Tha.

Ek Ghanta Ho Gaya Lekin Car Nahi Aayi, Do Ghante Ho Gaye The Lekin Car Ka Abhi Bhi Koi Ata Pata Nahi Tha.

Aakhir Mein Aadmi Car Ko Dhundne Ke Liye Ghar Se Bahar Nikla Hi Tha Ki Car Bacchon Se Full Load Hokar Aa Rahi Thi.

Car Mein Colony Ke 4 Bacche, Boss Ke 2 Bacche Aur Kaamwali Ka Bhi 1 Baccha Tha.

Uski Wife Gusse Se Boli: Sach Sach Batao Kya Ye Tumhare Baccha Hain?

Aadmi Bhi Gusse Se Bola: Wo Sab To Thek Hai Lekin Pehle Tu Ye Bata Ki Car Mein Hamare Bacche Kyun Nahi Aaye?
----------  
Love Marriage!
Ladka Apni Maa Se Jaake Puchhta Hai: Maa Kya Love Marriage Karne Se Ghar Wale Naraaz Hote Hain?

Maa: Tu Pakka Kisi Chudail Ke Chakkar Mein Phas Gaya Hoga Aur Ye Sab Tujhe Usi Daayan Ne Kaha Hoga. Aajkal Ki Ladkiyan Toh Bas Ladko Ko Phasane Mein Lagi Rehti Hain, Jahan Achcha Ladka Dekha Nahi Ki Shuru Ho Jaati Hain... Beta Tu Inse Bach Ke Rehna, Ye Badi Dhokhebaaz Hoti Hain Aur Inka To Khaandaan Bhi.....

Ladka Maa Ko Beech Mein Tokta Hai Aur Kehta Hai: Maa Aisa Kuchh Nahi Hai, Wo Toh Papa Bata Rahe The Ki Aap Dono Ki Love Marriage Hui Thi...
----------  
Babaji ka Thullu!
Husband: I love you.
Wife: Babaji ka thullu.

Husband: I will die for you.
Wife: Babaji ka thullu.

Husband: I can't live without you.
Wife: Babaji ka thullu.

Husband: I can do anything for you.
Wife: Babaji ka thullu.

Husband: I will give you diamond ring.
Wife: Really???
Husband: Babaji ka thullu...
----------


Visiting Charges!
Santa: Doctor ke paas gaya aur bola ghar jaane ki kitne fees lete hain aap??

Doctor: 300 rupees.

Santa: Theek hai doctor ji, chaliye phir.

Doctor ne apna bag liya, bike nikali aur Santa ko le kar Santa ke ghar pahunch gaye.

Doctor bola: Mareez kahan hai ??

Santa: Yahan koi mareez nahi hai doctor ji, darasal baat yeh hai ki taxi wala 500 maang raha tha aur aapne 300 mein le aaye...
----------  
Bachpan Ke Cricket Rules
1. 8 Eenton (Bricks) Ki Wicket Hogi.

2. First Ball Try Hogi.

3. Batting Team Umpiring Karegi.

4. Ball Deewar Ko Direct Lagi Toh Six Aur Direct Baahar Gayi Toh Out.

5. Last Batsman Akela Batting Kar Sakta Hai.

6. Jo Beech Mein Game Chhodega Usse Kal Nahi Khilayenge.

7. Jo Ball Baahar Phenkega Woh Khud Lekar Aayega Aur Nahi Mili Toh Khareedkar Layega.

8. Chhote Bachche Sirf Fielding Karenge, Unki Batting Last Mein Aayegi.

9. Jab Andhera Ho Jaayega Toh Slow Ball Karaai Jaayegi.

10. Deewar Ko Lag Kar Catch Hua Toh Not Out Hoga.

11. 3 Ball Lagaatar Wide Toh Over Cancel.

12. Jo Jeetega Woh Agli Baar Batting Karega.

13. Jiska Bat Hoga Wohi Opening Karega.
----------  
Diwali Offer
Wife saw a board outside a shop.
Diwali Offer Ending Today:
Banarsi Saree Rs 10 Only.
Nylon Rs 8 only.

Cotton Saree Rs 5 only.
Excited Wife, to Husband,: Give me Rs 500, I'll buy 50 sarees. Husband: Beerbal ki maa, istri ki dukan hai woh.
----------  
Pappu Fail Ho Gaya!
Bahut Jyada Shaitaniyo Aur Faltu Ki Bakwas Karne Ki Vajah Se Pappu Ek Bar Fail Ho Gaya.

Teacher Ne Santa Ko Class Mein Bulaya Aur Boli.

Teacher: Tumhara Ladka Bada Hi Nalayak Ho Gaya, Jitna Faltu Ki Baton Mein Dimaag Lagata Hai Utna Study Pe Lagana Chahiye.

Santa: Madam Ji, Kya Ho Gaya Kyu Itna Gussa Kar Rahe Ho?
Teacher: Ye Dekho Vo Fail Hai. English Mein 14, Math Mein 17, Science Mein 18, SST Mein 11, Total 60.

Santa Ne Ye Suna Aur Kuch Pal Sochne Ke Bad Bola.

Santa: Wah Madam, Total Mein Toh Chha Gaya Apna Puttar..., Aur Kamaal Ki Baat Yeh Hai Ki Is Subject Ki Toh Tution Bhi Nahi Rakhi Thi.
----------


Akashwani
Banta TRAIN mein chadne laga tab akashwani hui: Is mein mat chad yeh patri se utar jayegi.

Jab Banta PLANE mein chadne laga tab awaaj aayi: Ye crash ho jayega.

Jab vo BUS chadne laga tab awaaz aayi: Yeh khai mein gir jayegi.

Banta gusse se: Kaun hai?

Aawaz: GOD.

Banta: Shadi ke waqt jab GHODI chad raha tha, tab aapka gala baith gaya tha kya?
----------  
Kutta Mar Gaya!
Ek Baar Ek Neta Ji Gaanv Mein Sabha Karne Ja Rahe The Lekin Gaanv Se Pehle Hi Unki Car Ke Neeche Ek Kutta Aa Gaya Aur Mar Gaya. Accident Ki Wajah Se Bhi Kharab Ho Gayi Aur Wahin Band Pad Gayi.

Neta Ji Ne Driver Ko Madad Laane Ke Liye Gaanv Mein Bheja.

Thodi Der Baad Jab Driver Lauta To Uske Gale Mein Dher Saari Malayein Padi Thi.
Neta Ji Ne Poochha: Tune Wahan Jaa Ke Aisa Kya Kiya Jo Tera Itna Samman Hua... Itne Haar Tere Gale MeEin Daal Diye Logon Ne???

Driver: Janaab, Maine Toh Sirf Itna Hi Kaha Ki Neta Ji Ki Car Ka Accident Ho Gaua Hai..... Aur Kutta Mar Gaya....
----------  
Management Lessons from Gabbar Singh
Gabbar Singh was a MANAGEMENT GURU as is reflected in some of the timeless management lessons he delivered thru the movie Sholay.

1. Jo Darr Gaya Samjho Mar Gaya - Courage and enterprise are important factors for laying the successful foundation of a growth oriented business.

2. Kitne Admi The ? - It's important to know the competition and its size. He understood that even a small team can make a difference.

3. Arey O Sambha, Kitna Inaam Rakhe Hai Sarkar Hum Par ? - Promoting one's own brand is very important and to be reiterated always.

4. 6 Goli, Aur Aadmi 3! - Create an illusion where his insurbodinates had a chance of survival but kills them in the next scene. Moral - Perform or perish.

5. Le Ab Goli Kha - Sometimes in the interest of the organisation you have to take hard and unpopular decisions.... So sometimes a leader has to 'fire' some employees.

6. Yeh Ramgarh Waale Apni Betiyon Ko Kaunsi Chakki Ka Aata Khilate Hai Re - Market research is important to understand value propositions !!

7. Yeh Haath Mujhey Dedey Thakur - Identify elements of threats in the market and take measures to minimise them.

8. Holi Kab Hai, Kab Hai Holi ? - Conduct advance mapping of key events within the industry and devise penetration strategy to have a competitive edge over your rivals.
----------  
Sher Ki Sawari
Pappu Apne Papa Santa Se Circus Dekhne Ke Liye Zidd Karta Hai.

Pappu: Papa Circus Dekhne Chalo Na.

Santa: No Son, I Am Very Busy.

Pappu: Papa Usmein Ek Ladki Ne Bina Kapdon Ke Sher Pe Sawari Ki Hai.

Santa: O Yaar Pappu... Bahut Ziddi Ho Gaye Ho, Apni Har Baat Zidd Karke Manva Hi Lete Ho, Chalo Bahut Din Ho Gaye Maine Bhi Sher Nahi Dekha.

Pappu Aur Santa Circus Dekhne Chale Jaate Hain. Santa Ne Sabse Aage Wali Seat Ki Tickets Li. Lion Show Shuru Hua Aur Khatam Bhi Ho Gaya Par Bina Kapdon Ki Ladki Nahi Aayi.

Sara Circus Show Kahatam Hone Ke Baad Santa: Oye Pappu, Tune Toh Kaha Tha Ki Ek Ladki Bina Kapdon Ke Aayegi?

Pappu: Bina Kapdon Ke To Sher Kaha Tha Papa, Ladki Nahi.
----------



Don't Be Sorry!
Banta ki biwi kaafi bimar thi aur hospital mein admit thi. Doctors ne 1 week tak uska check-up kiya, sab tests kiye.

Saari reports aane ke baad ek senior doctor ne Banta ko bulaya aur kaha: Banta ji ek baat batani hai apko.

Banta: Ji doctor saaba, kahiye.

Doctor: We are sorry Banta ji, apki biwi jyada se jyada 1-2 months ki mehman hai...

Banta: Docor saab, ismein sorry waali kya baat hai? Jahan itna time nikaal diya, gujar jayenge ye 1-2 mahine bhi jais-taise.
----------  
Insaan Aur Khuda
Ek din khuda ne mujhse kaha: Mat karintezar is janam mein uska, Milna mushkil hai.
Maine bhi keh diya: Lene de maza intezar ka, agle janam mein to mumkin hai.

Phir khuda ne kaha: Mat kar itna pyar bahut pachhtayega.
Muskura ke maine kaha: Dekhte hain tu kitna mujhe tadpayega.

Phir khuda ne kaha: Bhool ja use, Chal tujhe jannat ki apsra se milata hoon.
Maine kaha: Aa neeche dekh mere pyar ka muskurata chehra, tujhe jannat ki apsra bhulwata hoon.

Gusse mein khuda ne kaha: Mat bhool apni aukaat tu to ek insaan hai.
Hans kar maine kaha: Toh mila de mujhe mere pyar se aur saabit kar ki tu hi Bhagwan hai.

Phir khuda ne guuse mein uski mujhse shadi kara di. Sab bhoot utar gaya.
----------  
Types of Moms!
Aalsi Mummy
"EK baat tumhe kitni bar batani padhti hai?"

Dhamkane Waali Mummy
"Aane do papa ko, tumhari shikayat karungi."

Itihaas Pasand Mummy
"Jab main tumhari umar ki thi to ghar ki sari jimmedari sambhalti thi."

Bhavishya Batane waali Mummy
"Mujhe pata tha,Yeh tute ga."

Confused Mummy
"Mein Insaan hun ya Machine?"

Selfish Mummy
"Lunch me parantha tumhare liye diya tha ya tumhare doston ke liye?"

Shakki Mummy
"10 me se 10... Jarur tum ne cheating ki hogi."

Meri Mummy
"Is Whatsapp ko toh aag laga deni chahiye."
----------  
No More War!
Ram aur Raavan ka bada serious yudh chal raha tha. Tabhi Raavan ne Ram ke peechay kisi ko khada dekha.

Raavan: Chal yaar bye.

Ram: Kya hua?

Raavan: Kuch nahi yaar bas bye, le sita ko leja.

Ram: Arrey hua kya, ruk to sahi.

Raavan: Nahi yaar, achha I am sorry. Ok?

Ram: Dost nahi hai... Bata to sahi hua kya???

Raavan: Kuch nahi bhai baat hi khatam, no tension, no fikar... bas maje hi maje.

Ram: Nahi pehle bata plssssss, tujhe meri kasam, kya hua???

Raavan: Bas rehne de yaar, itni si baat pe tune Rajinikanth ko bula liya...
----------


Jhootha... Dhokhebaaz...
1st Girl: Aaj kal ke ladkon ka toh bilkul bhi bharosa nahin karna chahiye !!! Main toh ab uski shakl bhi nahin dekhungi.

2nd Girl: Kyon kya hua ??? Uska kisi aur ke saath bhi chaakar hai? Ya tumne usko kisi aur ladki ke sath dekh liya ?

1st Girl: Nahin usne mujhe kisi aur ladke ke sath dekh liya hai, jab ki woh kal bol raha tha ki wo out of city jaa raha hai... Jhootha.... Dhokhebaaz..... Kameena.....
----------  
Strike a Pose!
Photographer studio mein 6 saal ke bachche se bolta hai: Meri taraf dekho beta is camera se kabutar niklega.

Bachcha: Focus adjust kar, Jhallon wali baatein mat kar. Portrait mode use karna, macro ke sath, ISO 200 ke andar rakhna, High Resolution me pic aani chahiye Facebook pe upload karni hai warna paise nahi milenge. Non sense... 'Kabutar nikaaloge...' Tumhaare baap ne kabutar dala tha isme!!!
----------  
Pappu Rocks!
Ek aadmi apne dost ke ghar gya. Door-bell bajane pe Pappu bahar aaya.

Aadmi: Beta apne papa ko bulao.

Pappu: Ji wo nahi hai, wo bazar gye hain.

Aadmi: Achcha toh bade bhai ko bulao.

Pappu: Wo apne dosto ke saath cricket khelne gya hai.

Aadmi: Achcha aapki mummy to ghar par hongi...??

Pappu: Nahi, wo apni saheliyon ke saath picnic par gyi hain.

Aadmi irritate ho kar gusse mein bola: Abe toh tu akela ghar pe kya kar rha hai tu bhi kahin chala jata?

Pappu: Haan, tabhi to main yahan apne dost ke ghar aaya hun...!!!
----------  
Pappu's Future Plans
Pappu ko hamesha apne papa se daant padti rehti thi kyunki vo studies mein below average tha.

Ek din jab dono ek saath baith kar TV dekh rahe the tab achanak Pappu bola: Papa! Dekhna jab main business karunga na, toh achche achchon ke haath mein katora pakda dunga.

Santa, hairaani se: Achcha!!! Wo kaise?

Pappu haste hua bola: Gol-Gappe bechkar....
----------



Family Introduction
A man from UP is introducing his family:

1. Ee hai hamaar biwi..... Google Raani... Ek sawal poocho toh 10 jawab deti hai...!!!

2. Ee hai hamaar bitwa.... Facebook Kumar... Ghar ki baat sare colony tak pahuchata hai...!!!

3. Ee hai hamaar bitiya .... Twitter Kumari... Poori colony isko folow karti hai...!!!

4. Ee hai hamaar ammaji.. Whatsapp mata- pura din bud bud karti rehti hai..!!!

5. Aur hum... Hum hain Orkut Kumar... Hamka koi puchhta hi nahi...!!!
----------  
Wife Calls Hubby...
Wife: Khana kha liya?

Husband: Khana kha liya?

Wife: Batao na.

Husband: Batao na.

Wife: Pleaseee... batao na.

Husband: Pleaseee..... batao na.

Wife: Achcha ji! Meri naqal?

Husband: Achcha ji! Meri naqal?

Wife: I Love U!!!

Husband: Haan yaar, khana kha liya maine...
----------  
Intellectual Discussions!
Girfriend and boyfriend on phone:

Boy: Hi, kaisi ho jaan?
Girl Theek hun.
Boy: Aaj kya khaya dinner mein?
Girl: Tumhe bas yehi batein karni aati hain, kya khaya, kuan sa serial dekha, kaun sa song suna....
Boy: Oh!! Ok Ok, ye batao ki how shuld RBI fight these inflationary trends with minimum intervention in the money markets?
Girl: hmmmm.... daal chawal khaye hain, dahi aur salad bhi tha....
----------  
Pappu's Aim in Life!
Teacher: Tum bade hokar kya karoge?

Pappu: Shaadi.

Teacher: Nahi, mera matlab hai kya banoge?

Pappu: Dulha Banunga.

Teacher: Ohho, I mean to say, bade hoker kya haasil karoge?

Pappu: Dulhan.

Teacher: Abbe!!! Matlab bade ho kar mumy papa k liye kya karoge?

Pappu: Bahu launga.

Teacher: Arey bewakoof... Tumhare papa tumse kya chahte hain?

Pappu: Pota.

Teacher: Hey bhagwan. Abbe zindagi ka kya maksad hai?

Pappu: Hum do, hamare do !!!
----------



Seeking a Perfect Groom!
Pandit ek ladki waale ghar mein shaadi k liye ladke ki baat karne gaya.

Pandit: Aap logon ko kaisa ladka chahiye?"

Ladki Wale: Humein aisa ladka chahiye jo paan, cigarette, daaru, gutkha, jarda ya aur koi bhi nashe na karta ho, boiled khana khata ho aur bhagwaan ka naam jaapta ho.

Pandit: Yajman ji, aisa ladka toh aapko sirf ICU mein hi mil sakta hai.
----------  
The Ecstatic Rabbit
Cheetah cigarette ka kash lagane hi waala tha ki achanak khargosh wahan aaya aur bola, "Bhai chhod do nasha, aao mere sath, dekho jungle kitna khubsurat hai."

Cheetah khargosh ke sath chal diya.

Aage hathi cocaine le raha tha, khargosh phir bola, "Bhai chhod do nasha, aao mere sath, dekho jungle kitna khubsurat hai."

Hathi bhi sath chal diya.

Aage Sher whisky pene ki tayari kar raha tha, khargosh ne usko bhi wahi kaha.

Sher ne glass side pe rakha aur khargosh ko 5-6 thappad maar diye.

Hathi bola: "Arey bhai, kyun maar rahe ho is bechare ko?"

Sher Bola: "Ye saala roz gaanja peekar aise hi sabko puri raat jungle ghumata rehta hai."
----------  
You Are Not My Dad Anymore
Father, apne bete se: Agar iss baar tum exam mein fail hue toh mujhe kabhi papa mat kehna.

Exams ke kuch dinon ke baad jab result aaya tab baap ne bete ko apne room mein bualaya.

Father: How is your result?

Beta kuch nahin bolta aur chup-chaap sir jhukaye khada rehta hai.

Father: Behre ho gye ho kya? Maine pucha ki result kaisa raha tumhara?

Beta: Arre dimag ka dahi mat kar BABULAL tum baap hone ka haq kho chuke ho...
----------  
Bechaare Ladke
Ladki par hath uthaye to zalim;
Ladki se pit jaye to namard.

Ladki ko kisi ke sath dekh kar... lade to jealous;
Chup rahe to begairat.

Ghar se bahar rahe to awara;
Ghar me rahe to nakara.

Bachcho ko dante to buzdil;
Na dante to laparwah.

Biwi ko naukri se roke to shak karne wala;
Na roke to biwi ki kamai khane wala.

Aakhir bechara ladka kare toh kya kare.... ??? Mard Ko Bhi Dard Hota Hai...
----------



Confession!
A boy on a date in a BMW CAR.

Boy, "Maine tumse ek baat chupai hai."

Girl, "Kya?"

Boy, "I m already married."

Girl, "Tumne toh dara diya tha, maim samjhi ki yeh red colour ki BMW tumhari nahin hai."
----------  
Aur Udaao Mazaak!
Ek baba kisi mehfil mein gaye toh sab logon ne un ka mazaaq udaana shuru kar dia.

Baba ne kaha: Dekho hum faqeer log hote hain. Hamara mazaaq mat udaao.

Log khoob hansay. Achanak un sab ko nazar aana band ho gaya. Sab ko laga ki Baba ne un ko andhey hon shraap de diya.

Phir toh sab Baba ke saamne jhuk gaye aur kehne lage: Baba ji, hamein maaf kar do, ham se bhool ho gayi. Baba ne apna ek joota utara aur sab ko ek ek maara aur kaha: Kameeno !!! Light chali gayi hai. Koi jaa ke generator chalao, mujhe khud nazar nahin aa raha...
----------  
Teen Sawaal...
Ek naujawan ne ek buzurg se pucha:

Jab duniya ek din fanah ho jani hai toh log is ke peche kyun bhaagte hain?
Paisa duniya mein reh jayega toh log is ke peeche zindagi kyun lutaate hain?
Cheezon ko hasil karne ke liye doston ko dushmn kyun samajhte hain?

Buzurg ne teeno sawalon ko bade gaur se suna. Phir unhone jaib se ek machis ki dabbi nikali, usmein se 3 teeliyan uthayi, phir 2 teeliyan wapis rakh diya, aur 1 teeli ko tor ke us k 2 hisse kar diye, aur agla hissa phenk diya pichley hisse ko thora sa nokdaar banaya or munh ke qareeb laa ke danton mein phasa hua khana nikalne lage aur bole: Mujhe kya pata...?
----------  
Too Much TV...
3rd class ka bachcha apni Miss se kehta hai: Main aapko kaisa lagta hun... ?

Miss: Too sweet and cute.

Bachcha: Toh phir main apne mummi-papa ko aap ke ghar kab bhej dunu ??

Miss: Wo kyon?

Bachcha: Taaki wo hamari baat aage chalayein

Miss: Yeh kya bakwas hai.

Baccha: Tution padhane ke liye...!!! Miss aap bhi na kasam se TV dekh dekh ke kharab ho gayi hain...
----------


Little Star!!!
Chhote: Akshay Kumar bahut bada star hai na?

Bade: Haan hai toh...

Chhote: But uski wife itni badi star nahi hai... jyada chali nahin.

Bade: Nahin yaar, chali hai wo bhi, but uski shaadi ho gayi na.

Chhote: Nahin wo baat nahin hai, sabko pata hai.

Bade: Kisko pata hai?

Chhote: Bachhe bachhe tak ko pata hai ki wo nahi chali, wo ek choti star hai.

Bade: Wo kaise?

Chhote: Abe tune wo poem nahi suni? Twinkle-Twinkle little star...

Bade: Bakwas Band Kar.
----------  
Birthday Gift!
Sister to her brother: What are you giving to Grandmaa on her birthday?

Brother: A Football.

Sister: Is age mein? Aur vaise bhi Grandmaa kahan khelti hai?

Brother: Mere birthday per jo unhone Bhagavad Gita diya tha uska kya ?
----------  
Seedhe Shabdon Mein!
Aamir: Smiling...

Teacher: Aap muskura kyon rahe ho?

Aamir: Bahut dino se FB page ka admin banne ki ichcha thi aaj ban gaya hun, bahut maza aa raha hai.

Teacher: Jyada maze lene ki zarurat nahi hai. Ok tell me what is a post?

Aamir: Anything that is posted on facebook is a post sir.
Teacher: Can you please elaborate?

Aamir: Sir, jo bhi facebook pe log daalte hain wo post hai sir... ghumne gaye, uski photo daal diya!!! Post hai sir. Sir actually hum post se ghire hue hain!!! Katrina ki pic se Ronaldo ki kick tak!!! Sab post hai sir!!! Ek second mein comment, ek second mein like!!! Comment-Like, Comment-like....

Teacher: Shut up! ADMIN banke ye karoge??? Comment-like, comment-like. Chatur tum batao?

Chatur: Pictures, texts or Videos posted through Mobile or Tablet or laptop or desktop via different operating system using internet on facebook is called a post.

Teacher: Excellent!

Aamir: Per sir, maine bhi toh ye hi kaha lekin seedhe shabdon mein.

Teacher: Seedhe shabdon me karna hai toh kisi aur page ke admin bano.

Aamir: Par sir dusre admin bhi toh...

Teacher: Get out!

Aamir: Kya Sir ?

Teacher: Seedhe shabdon mein kahun toh bahar jayiye.

Aamir goes out and comes back.

Teacher: Kya hua?

Aamir: Kuch bhool gaya tha sir.

Teacher: Kya?

Aamir: An utility button given to us to protect our private data i.e. pictures, messages or personal information for being stolen or used for bad purpose by hackers or anyone else.

Teacher: Kehna kya chahte ho???

Aamir: Logout sir!!! Logout karna bhool gaya tha.

Teacher: Seedha seedha nahi bol sakte the?

Aamir: Sir, thodi der pehle try kiya tha but aapko pasand nahi aaya !!!
----------  
Treating Depression
Doctor Depression Ke Patient Se: Ji Mam, Bataiye, Kya Takleef Hai?

Lady Patient: Doctor Sahab, Dimaag Mein Bahut Hi Ulte-Seedhe Vichaar Aate Hain, Rukte Hi Nahin.

Doctor: Kab Aate Hai, Yeh Ulte-Seedhe Vichaar Aur Kahan Aate Hai?

Lady Patient: Doctor Ji, Kabhi Bhi Aa Jaate Hain.... Aur Kahin Bhi...

Doctor: Achcha Batao Kaise Vichaar Aate Hain?

Lady Patient: Abhi Ki Hi Baat Lo... Jab Main Yahan Aayi Toh Aapke OPD Mein Ek Bhi Patient Nahin Thaa. Toh Main Sochne Lagi Ki Doctor Sahab Ke Paas Koi Bhi Patient Nahin Hai... Inki Kamai Kaise Hogi... Aur Kamaai Nahin Hogi Toh Ghar Kaise Chalega. Itna Paisa Kharch Kiya Hoga Studies Pe... Ab Kya Karenge.. Hospital Banaane Mein Bhi Bahut Paisaa Lagaya Hoga, Ab Loan Ki EMI Kaise Bharenge ? Apne Bachchon Ki Studies Ki Liya Kahan Se Paisa Layenge... Kahin Kisanon Ki Tarah Suicide Toh Nahin Kar Lenge... Ek Din...!! Bas Doctor Sahab Aise Hi Kuch Bhi Vichaar Aate Rehte Hain Man Mein...

Ab Doctor Depression Mein Hai.
----------


Family Members
Pappu: Daadi neend nahi aa rahi, hum baate karein.

Daadi: Theek hai.

Pappu: Daadi kya hum hamesha 5 hi rahenge? Aap, mom, dad, main aur choti behen.

Daadi: Nahin beta aapki shaadi ho jayegi toh 6 ho jayenge.

Pappu: Phir behen chali jayegi shaadi karke toh phir 5 ho jayenge.

Daadi: Beta phir aapka beta ho jayega toh 6 ho jayenge.

Pappur: Phir aap mar jaaogi toh hum wapas se 5 ho jayenge.

Daadi: Kutte... Soja chup chap... jab dekho bakbak kata rehta hai, pata nahin kahan se seekhta rehta hai ulti-seedhi baatein, nalayak kahin ka....
----------  
Men are very Kind...
Men are very Kind and Women are very Selfish!
Wanna Proof??

Most women don't like to help unknown men; But all men are ready anytime to help unknown women. Aurat ke dil mein sirf uske lover ya pati ke liye jagah hoti hai.... But Aadmi ka dil itna bada hota hai ki us mein...

Dost ki girlfriend.
Biwi ki friends.
Saamne waali.
Baaju waali.
Oopar waali.
Neeche waali.
Kaam waali.
Apni saali.
Bhai ki saali.
Behan ki nanad.
Kids ki madams.
aur
Thodi Bahut biwi ke liye bhi jagah hoti hai....

Sach mein Aadmi ka dil bahut bada hota hai... Meri toh aankhe bhar aayi.
----------  
The Poor Chap!
Ek ladke ki shaadi ek bahut hi khubsurat ladki se fix hui.

Woh dono hamesha WhatsApp par baatein karte rahte the.

Phir kuch time ke baad dono ki shaadi ho gayi. First night ko ladke ne jab ladki ka ghoongat uthakar: Tum wakai bahut hi khubsurat ho... Tumhe kya gift karun...

Ladki sharmati hui boli: Humto toh aap taa Dill Taaiye.....

Bechaara ladka, Whatsapp ki jagah ek call kar leta to bach jaata.....
----------  
Another Dress!?!
Hubby: Ye kyaa tum ek aur suit le aayi ? Abhi parso hee to...

Wife chilla kar boli: Kyaa parso? Bolo..... Bolo kyaa kahaa tum ne? Phir se bolna zara ek baar. Ab chup kyun ho gaye, ruk kyon gaye? Kyaa parso, Parso kyaa, Bolo jaldi, Jaldi bolo, Bataa-O bhi ab, kyaa parso? Matlab kya hai tumhara? Kehna kya chahte ho... kya Kehna chahte ho?

Hubby: Kuchh nahi, main bus yeh keh rahaa thaa ki parso bhi ek hee suit laayi thi pagli, aaj to do le aati.....
----------



Wife!!!
Pehle main bahut dukhi rehta tha. Hamesha rota rehta tha. Mujhse kaam nahin ho pata tha. Gharwalon ke taane sun ke ro diya karta tha. Phir maine is naye product ke baare mein suna, jiska naam tha !!!...WIFE...!!!

Ye 'Wife' vakai lajwaab hai.

Ab mein apni puri neend 2-3 ghante mein hi puri kar leta hun.

Duniya bhar ke taane aur gaaliyaan hass hass ke sun leta hun.

Kitni bhi musibat aaye khush rehta hun.

Dukh-Sukh ki tensions se upar uth gaya hun.

Swarg-Narak, sab yahin hain, ab ye bhi samaj aa gaya hai.

Ab toh dushmanon se pyaar ho gaya hai.

Sach mein, ye 'WIFE ' vakai asardaar hai. Always keep your wife's picture as mobile screensaver. Whenever you face a problem, see the picture & say. If I can handle this, I can handle anything!
----------  
Anger Management!
1st Friend: Yaar meri biwi bahut gussa karti hai.

2nd Friend: ehle meri biwi bhi kaafi gussa kiya karti thi par ab bikul nahin karti.

1st Friend: Arey yaar please mujhe bhi batao ki tumne aisa kya kiya jo bhabhi ji itna shaant ho gayi?

2nd Friend: Ek din gusse mein thi toh maine keh diya ki, 'Budhaape mein gussa aa hi jata hai.' Bas woh din tha aur aaj ka din hai, tez Awaaz mein bhi baat nahi karti!
----------  
Office Hours
Boss: Kahan gaye the ?

Employee: Baal katwane.

Boss: Office hours mein?

Employee: Baal badhe bhi to office hours mein hee hai...

Boss: Ghar mein bhi to badhte hain.

Employee: To poore thode hee katwaye hai.
----------  
Onion Prices!
Is mehengai ke jamane mein yeh joke nahi Sachaai lagti hai...

Jeeto: Aaj to 5 rupey ke 3 pyaj mil gaye!

Santa (Excited): Arre wah... kahan se aur kaise??

Jeeto: 5 rupey ka ek usne diya, ek mai utha ke bhag gayi, aur ek usne mujhe fek ke mara....
----------



Height of Ignorance!
Two best friends coming out of the examination hall with chips and coke in hands.
First friend: Yaa aaj kaun sa paper tha???

Second friend: Shayad Maths ka tha yaar, but I m not sure...

First friend (surprisingly): Oye, you read the question paper???

Second Friend: Arrey nahin yaar! Mere paas kahan time tha, I saw a girl sitting besides me using a calculator.
----------  
Patni aur Ghadi Ke Beech Sambandh
Dono Ki Samaantayein:

1. Ghadi Chaubees Ghante Tic-Tic Karti Rehti Hai, Aur Patni Chaubees Ghante Kit-Kit Karti Rehti Hai!

2. Ghadi Ki Suiyaan Ghoom Phir Ke Wahi Aa Jaati Hain, Usi Prakaar Patni Ko Aap Kitna Bhi Samjha Lo, Wo Ghoom-Phir Kar Wahin Aa Jayegi Aur Apni Baat Manwayegi.

3. Ghadi Bigad Jaaye Toh Mechanic Ke Yaha Jaati Hai, Aur Agar Patni Bigad Jaaye Toh Maayke Jaati Hai.

4.Ghadi Ko Charge Karne Ke Liye Cell (Battery) Ka Prayog Hota Hai, Aur Patni Ko Charge Karne Ke Liye Salary Ka Prayog Hota Hai!

Vishamtaaiyein! - Differences
1. Ghadi Mein Jab 12 Bajte Hain Toh Teeno Suiyaa Ek Dikhaayi Deti Hain, Lekin Patni Ke Jab 12 Bajte Hain Toh Ek Patni Bhi 3-3 Dikhaayi Deti Hain!

2. Ghadi Ke Alarm Bajne Ka Fix Time Hai, Lekin Patni Ke Alarm Bajne Ka Koi Fix Time Nahin Hai!

3. Ghadi Bigad Jaaye Toh Ruk Jaati Hai, Lekin Jab Patni Bigad Jaaye Toh Shuru Ho Jaati Hai!

4. Sabse Bada Antar Yeh Hai Ki Ghadi Ko Aap Jab Chahe Badal Sakte Hain, Magar Patni Ko chah Kar Bhi Badal Nahin Sakte!
----------  
How Was I Born?
Pappu to his Mom: Mumma... Main kaise paida hua tha?

Mom: Maine ek box me mitti daal kar rakh di thi, kuch din baad uss mein se tum mile mujhe.

Pappu did the same thing...

Jab Kuch din baad usne jaa kar box khola aur dekha ki usmein ek Cockroach tha.

Pappu (Gussey se): Dil to karta hai ki tujhe goli maar dun... Par kya karu..!? Aaulad hai tu meri...!!!
----------  
Admission Form!
College Clerk: Beta yeh form tumne galat bhar diya hai. Yahaan address nahin naam likhna tha.

Student: Vikas Puri mera naam hi hai jee.

College Clerk: Achcha aur pita ka naam ?

Student: Ji Janak Puri.

College Clerk: Achch Dadaji ka naam ?

Student: Trilok Puri.

College Clerk: Hey Bhagwaan beta jaate jaate apni maaji ka naam bhi bata do.

Student: Maya Puri.

College Clerk: Main yeh sub nahin maanta. Koi aaya he tumhare saath family se tumhari admission ke liye.

Student: Ji mera bara bhai yeh.

College Clerk: Aapka naam ?

Bhai: Govind Puri!
----------


Don't Mess With Your Girlfriend
Girl: I Love You.
Boy: Ha ha ha.

Girl: I Miss You I Miss You.
Boy: Hahahahaha...

Girl: Me Tumhari Khatir Apni Jaan Bhi De Sakti Hun...
Boy: Hahahahahahahaha...

Girl: Tumhare Bina Me Zinda Nahi Reh Sakti.
Boy: Hahahahahahahahahahaha....

Girl: Mere Mummy Aur Daddy 1 Week Ke Liye Bahar Jaane Wale Hain. Main Ekdum Akeli Rahungi Ghar Main.
Boy: Kab???
Girl: Hahahahahahahahahahaha.... hahahahahahaha... hahahahahahahaha.... hahahahahahahah.... hahahahahahahaha hahahahahahaha... hahahahahahahaha haha...

Boy: Kab Jaanu ??
Girl: Hahahahahahahaha hahahahahaha.... hahahaahahah... haahahhaahhahahahahaha......

Boy: Bolo Na Janu, Kabbb??
Girl: hahahahahahaha.... hahaahahah.... haahahhaahhahahahaha.... hahahahahahahaha.... haahahahhaahahhaahhahaha......
----------  
Jhoota Kahin Ka
Ek Aadmi Jhoot Bolne Ki Wajah Se Kaafi Mashhoor Ho Gaya. Ek Din Vo Kisi Dusre Shaher Me Chala Gaya.

Ek Assi Saal Ki Budhi Aurat Ko Pata Chala Toh Darti Hui Aayi Aur Boli: Beta, Tum Hi Duniya Ke Sabse Jhoote Aadmi Ho Na ?

Aadmi Bola: Logon Ki Baaton Ko Dafa Karo... Main Toh Ye Dekh Kar Hairaan Hu Ki Is Umrr Mein Ye Husn, Ye Rang, Or Ye Dilkashhi.... Bahut Khud... Lajawaab...

Budhi Aurat, Sharmati Hui: Yaa Allah! Ye Log Bhi Kitne Zaalim Hain. Achche Bhale Sache Insaan Ko Jhoota Kehte Hain !!!
----------  
Boys and Pilgrimage!
Ek college ke final years ke kuch boys ek group banakar tirth yatra par jaate hain.

Yakinan saare students young the isliye group leader ne kaha, "Hum sab tirthyatra par ja rahe hain, bhagwaan ke darshanon ke liye. Isliye koi aisi waisi harkat mat karna ya koi ulti-seedhi baat mat bolna. Agar tumhe koi sundar ladki dikhayi di to apni aankhein band kar lena aur kehna, 'Hari Om'."

Thodi der baad ek ladke ne apni aankhein band karli aur bola, "Hari Om!!!"

Sabhi ladke: Kahan hai? Kahan hai?
----------  
Judge Bada Ya Daroga?
Court Mein Muqaddama Jeetne Ke Baad Judge Saahab Ne Bujurg Ko Badhaai Dete Hue Kaha: Baba Ji, Mubarak Ho, Aap Case Jeet Gaye.

Bujurg Kisaan Ne Kaha: Ram Ji Tumko Itni Tarakkee De ke Tum 'Daroga' Ban Jao.

Vakeel Bola: Lekin Baba Ji, 'Judge' Toh 'Daroga' Se Bahut Bada Hota Hai.

Bujurg Bola: Nahi Saaheb.... Meri Nazar Mein Toh Daroga Jyada Bada Aur Samjahdhar Hota Hai.

Vakeel Bola: Vo kaise?

Bujurg: Judge Saaheb Ne Muqaddama Khatam Karne Mein 10 Saal Laga Diye Jabki Daroga Ji Ne Shuru Mein Hee Kaha Tha 5 Hajaar Rupaya Do.... Do Din Mein Maamala Rapha-Dapha Kar Dunga!
----------


Doctor's Expressions!
When Bobby Darling was born, Doctor said: Mubarak ho, Dhokha hua hai.

When Ekta Kapoor was born, doctor said: Mubarak ho. Mubarak ho. Mubarak ho. Kaun hua hai, jaanne ke liye dekhiye agla episode.

When Manmohan Singh was born, Sholay was playing on the hospital TV, and AK Hangal said: Itna sannata kyun hai bhai?

When Prabhudeva was born, the doctor said: Thoda bachcha hilna band karega toh check karke batate hain.

When Arnab Goswami was Born - Before Doctors could say anything, Arnab Said: C'mon Tell me... How you pulled me? Nation wants to know That.

When Kangana Ranawat was born the doctors said: Mubalak ho ek totali beautiful girl hui hai.

When Rahul Gandhi was born, Doctor said: Mubarak ho, aapke sath majaak hua hai.

When Daya was born - Doctors ran away to open all the doors of hospital.

When Kamaal R Khan was born, Doctor tried to push him in.

When Tusshar Kapoor was born, the doctor said to Jeetendra: Maaf kar dijiye. Galti ho gayi.

When Nargis Fahkri was born doctor said mubaraq ho Duck ki behen Hui hai.

When Harman Baweja was born doctors said: Hrithik hua hai.
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Ghalib's Date
Ghalib ne girlfriend ko date par bulaya, wo late aayi....

Girl: Am I late ?

Ghalib: Arz hai....

Falak pe chand sitaron ko neend aa rahi hai,

Falak pe chand sitaron ko neend aa rahi hai,

Dusri ka time ho gaya hai, tu ab aa rahi hai.
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Santa gets Threat Calls
Santa Police station ja kar kehta hai: Inspector saab, mujhe ek FIR likhwaani hai.

Inspector: Kaun ho tum, kya hua, aur kiske khilaaf FIR karwaani hai?

Santa: Mujhe phone par jaan se marne ki dhamki mil rahi hai.

Inspector: Kaun de raha hai dhamkiyaan tumko, aur kya bol raha hai?

Santa: BSNL wale, kehte hai bill nahi bhara to kaat denge...!
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Cheque Aaya Re!
Ek Badi Hi Sundar Mahila Aksar Is Private Bank Mei Aaya Karti Thai. Is Bank Ke Sabhi Male Employees Us Mahila Ki Khoobsurati Se Bade Prabahavit The Aur Use Dekhne Ka Koi Mauka Haath Se Jaane Nahin Dete The.

Isliye Sabhi Ne Milkar Ko Cashier Ko Bol Rakha Tha Ki Jab Bhi Vo Mahila Aaye Toh Zor Se Awaaz Lagana: Cheque Aaya Re... Cheque...!

Jab Aisa 3-4 Baar Ho Gaya Toh Us Mahila Ko Bhi Samajh Aa Gaya Ki Ye Saara Chakkar Kya Hai... Aur Ho Na Ho Ye Awaaz Usi Ke Liya Lagti Hai.

Ek Din Jaise Hi Vo Aayi Toh Cashier Is Baar Bhi Zor Se Bola: Cheque Aaya Re... Cheque!

Ye Sunte Hi Mahila Ne Halka Sa Muskurate Aur Sharmaate Hue... Apna Mangalsutra Sabko Dikhate Hue Bade Hi Pyaar Se Boli: Cheque Toh Aaye Re... Lekin Account Payee Hai!!!
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Snakes and 'Fun'!
Chhote: Abe dukhi kyun hain?

Bade: Kuchh nahi yaar, pak raha hoon, bore ho gaya.

Chhote: Hmmmm, tujhe pata hai ek jaanwar hamesha maje mein rehta hai.

Bade: Kya baat kar raha hai yaar, hamesha?

Chhote: Haan yaar hamesha!!

Bade: Chahe kuchh bhi ho jaye?

Chhote: Haan, chahe kuchh bhi ho jaye.

Bade: Kaunsa jaanwar hai?

Chhote: Saanp.

Bade: Saanp. You mean Sake? Wo kaise?

Chhote: Abe saanp ke fun hota hai na, isliye....

Bade: Bakwas band kar!!!
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Facebook Waala Gyaan
Once a father beats up his son and when son starts crying father says sorry.

Son says: Take a piece of paper. Crumble it. Fold it. Now open it and say 'sorry' to it. Are the scars on the paper gone?

Dad says: Take my scooter and try to start. does it start? Nahin naa. Now give it 3-4 kicks. Now does it start? Hua na. Saale tu wahi scooter hai, koi paper nahi. Aage se ye Facebook/WhatsApp wala gyaan apne baap ko mat dena.
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Who's The Best?
Friend 1: Yaar Hamare Desh Mein Kis Community Ke Log Sab Se Achhe Nagrik Hain ?

Friend 2: Baniye...

Friend 1: Matlab?

Friend 2: Har Jagah Likha Hota Hai,
Desh Ke Acche Nagrik 'Baniye'
Desh Bhakt 'Baniye'
Samajhdar 'Baniye'
Imandar 'Baniye'
Sachche 'Baniye'
Padhe Likhe 'Baniye'
Samajik 'Baniye'
Vyavaharik 'Baniye'
Shakahari 'Baniye'
Satvik 'Baniye'
Dharmik 'Baniye'
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Rainy Day Laundry Blues
Santa jab bhi kapde dhota, baarish ho jaati thi.

Ek subah Santa ne dekha ki mausam bilkul saaf hai, aasmaan bilkul clear lag raha tha aur dhoop bhi nikal rahi thi. Usne socha ki aaj kapde dho leta hun.

Santa bhagwan ka shukriya kiya aur breakfast kar ke 11 baje dukaan se surf lene ke ghar se nikal pada.

Thodi der baad toofan chalna shuru ho gaya, badal bhi garazne lage, aur bijli bhi chamakne lagi.

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Tabhi Santa aasman ki taraf muh kar ke bola: Kidhar,... Kahan,...??? Arre nahi prabhu, main toh biscuit lene jaa raha hun.... Aap bhi na....
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Wild Life Photography
Jeeto, ek dum khush ho ke: Kya baat hai Jee, aaj toh meri Photo-Pe-Photo kheenche ja rahe ho?

Santa: Bas aise hi... dil kar raha hai.

Jeeto: Kya mein itni hot and smart lag rahi hun aaj?

Sata: Arre kuchh nahin pagli, aaj mere sarr pe Wild Life Photography ka bhoot sawaar Hai...
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Classification of Words
How should we define lower, middle class and upper class?

Lower class - Biskut
Middle class - Biskit
Upper class - Cookies

Lower class - Roomal
Middle class - Hankie
Upper class - Handkerchief, Kerchief

Lower class - Tamaatar
Middle class - Ta'may'to
Upper class - Toh'mah'toh

Lower class - Sauce
Middle class - Ketchup
Upper Class - Toh'mah'toh Condiment

Lower class - Lifafa
Middle class - En've'lope
Upper class - On'vo'lup

Lower class - Nimbu Paani/Shikanji
Middle class - Lemonade
Upper class - Virgin Mojito

Lower class - Paint
Middle class - Jeans
Upper class - Denims

Lower class - Chashma
Middle class - Goggles
Upper class - Shades
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Baat Ek Andaaz Anek
Ek Hi Baat Par 7 Alag Shaayaron Kaa Nazariyaa.

Mirza Ghalib
Sharab Peene De Ai Dost, Masjid Mein Baith Kar,
Yaa Wo Jagah Bataa De, Jahan Khudaa Na Ho.

Iqbal
Masjid Khudaa Kaa Ghar Hai, Koi Peene Ki Jagah Nahi,
Kaafir Ke Dil Me Jaa, Wahaan Khudaa Nahi.

Faraaz
Kaafir Ke Dil Se Aaya Hun Main Dekh Kar, Wahaan Jagah Nahi,
Khudaa Maujood Hai Wahan Bhi, Magar Usko Pataa Nahi.

Wasi
Khudaa Maujood Hai Puri Duniya Mein, Kahin Bhi Jagah Nahi,
Tu Jannat Mein Jaa, Wahan Peena Manaa Nahi.

Saqi
Peete Hai Gham E Duniya Bhulaa Ne Ke Liye, Aur Koi Baat Nahi,
Jannat Main Kahaan Gham Hai, Wahaan Peene Ka Mazaa Nahi.

Meer
Peete Hai Apne Maze Ke Liye, Khaamkhaan Badnaam Gham Hai,
Poori Botal Pee Kar Dekho, Phir Duniyaa Kya Jannat Se Kam Hai.

Amin
Duniya Jannat Ho Nahi Sakti Chahy Jitni Bhi Pee Loo,
Jannat Waliyo Ka Innam Ha Koi Tawaiyf Ka Ghar Nahi.
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How to Outsmart the Jinn...
Ek Pakistani, American aur Indian ek ship mein ja rahe the.

Achaanak ek Jinn aaya aur bola: Samundar mein koi cheez phenko, agar maine dhoondh li to main tumhein maar dunga aur na dhoondh paya to main tumhara Gulam.

Pakistani ne sui phenki. Jinn ne dhoondh li aur use maar diya.

American ne memory card phenk diya lekin Jinn ne vo bhi dhoondh liya aur use bhi maar diya.

Indian ne kuchh phenka...

Ginn ne bohut dhoondha... dhoondh dhoondh ke thak gaya aur leki usko kuch mila nahin. Pareshaan ho kar us ne pucha: Batao mere aaka main haar gaya."

Indian bola: Main bhi tera baap hoon, maine Disprin ki goli phenki thi, chal beta, ghar chal bohut kaam pada hai.
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The Baby Bump
Pappu: Papa Aunty ka pet itna kyun foola hua hai ?

Santa: I know ki, tu sab Jan ta hai, badmaash.

Pappu: Nahin papa, I don't know.

Santa: Chal, Chal, jhooth mat bol.

Pappu: Trust me dad, pease batao na, please, please, please...

Pappu: Wo, yaar... aunty ke pet mein paani bhara hua hai.

Pappu: Oh!... Achcha!!! Phir toh bachcha doob jayega...
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FACEBOOK Ki Leela...
Facebook ki leela sab par padi bhaari hai...

71 saal ki budhiya bhi yahan kunwaari hai...

Chacha ki bhi kismat badal jaati hai...

18 saal ki chaachi yahan mil jaati hai...

Ladke yahan ladkiyan ban jaate hein...

Nakali Id se aatank machaate hein...

Kuchh toh itne paagal ho jaate hein...

Din raat 'Add Me' - 'Add Me' chillaate hein!
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Exchange Offer!!!
Ek din Santa ne newspaper mein ek advertisement dekha:

'Apna Purana Mobile Do Aur New Mobile Lo'

Santa advertisement dekhar khush ho gaya aur us address per akela chala gaya.

Wahan koi shop nahi thi aur 2 ladke aise hi khade hue the.

Santa wahan jaakar un ladkon se us advertisement ke baare mein puchta hai.

Tabhi ek ladka chaaku nikaal kar kehta hai, "Ye ad humne hi diya tha, chal purana mobile de aur jaakar naya mobile le."
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Majboori?!?
Ek Sharaabi Sadak Ke Kinaare Bahut Jyaada Peene Ke Kaaran Lagbhag Besudh Saa Pada Huaa Thaa.

Ek Bhale Aadmi Ne Uske Paas Aakar Poochha: Aakhir Itni Jyaada Peene Ki Kya Jaroorat Thee ?

Sharabi: Majboori Thee. Peene Ke Alaawaa Aur Koi Chaaraa Hee Nahi Thaa.. !

Bhala Aadmi: Aaakhir Aisi Kya Majboori Ho Gayi Thi???

Sharaabi: Bottle Ka Dhakkan Gum Gayaa Thaa!!!!
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Driving License Test
Jab Mai Driving License Haasil Karane Ki Koshish Mein Tha to Driving License Ke Liye Chauthi Baar Driving Test Diya. Iss Dauraan Main Itna Mashoor Aur Pasandeeda Ho Chukaa Tha Ki Is Baar Officer Ne Mere Liye Sirf Ek Hee Sawaal Rakha Tha.

Sawal: Maan Lo Aap 90 Ki Speed Se Ek Aisi Sadak Se Gujar Rahe Ho Jiske Ek Aur Uncha Pahaad Aur Dusri Taraf Gehri Khaee Hai. Saamne Do Auratein Aa Jaati Hain.... Ek Jawaan Aur Ek Budhi. Ab Aap Kise Marenge...??

Maine Bhi Ek Dum Se Jawaab Likha Diya: Main Budhi Aurat Ko Maarunga.

Aur Har Baar Ki Tarah Is Baar Bhi Main Imtihaan Main Fail Ho Gaya. Main Jaakar Us Officer Se Mila Aur Fail Hone Ki Wajah Puchi Toh Usne Mujhe Dhyaan Se Dekha Aur Thandee Saans Bhar Kar Kaha: Main Aapko Akhiree Baar Bata Raha Hoon Ki Aap Break Maarenge.... Koi Aurat-Vaurat Nahin... Samjhe Aap???
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The New Hindi Lingo
CRICKET: Gol guttam lakad battam de danadan pratiyogita.

CRICKET TEST MATCH: Pakad dandu, maar mandu, de danaadan pratiyogita.

TABLE TENNIS: Lakdi ke phalak shetra pe le takaatak de takaatak.

LAWN TENNIS: Harit Ghaas par le tada tad, de tada tad.

LIGHT BULB: Vidyut Prakashak Kanch golak.

TIE: Kanth Langoti.

MATCH BOX: Ragdampatti Agni Utpaadan Peti.

TRAFFIC SIGNAL: Aavat Jaavat Suchak Jhandaa.

TEA: Dugdh Jal Mishrit Sharkara Yukt Parvatiya(pahaadi) Booti.

TRAIN: Sahasra Chakra Louh Path Gaamini.

ALL ROUTE PASS: Yatr Tatr Sarvatr Gaman Aagya Patr.

RAILWAY SIGNAL: Loh Path Gamini Suchak Yantra.

RAILWAY SIGNAL: Agni Rath Aava Gaman Soochak Pattika.

RAILWAY SIGNAL: Louh path gaamini aawagaman suchak yantra.

RAILWAY STATION: Bhabhka Adda.

BUTTON: Ast Vyast Vastra Niyantrak.

MOSQUITO: Gunjanhaari Manav Rakt Pipasu Jeev.

CIGARETTE: Shweta patra mandit dhumra shalakha.
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Personal Calls at Work
Ek Baar Ghar Ke Phone Ka Bill Bahut Jyada Aa Jaata Hai. Ghar Ke Sabhi Members Hairaan-Pareshaan Ho Jaate Hain Aur Discuss Karte Hain Ki Aakhir Itna Bill Kaise Aa Sakta Hai... Kaun Hai Jo Sabse Jyada Calls Karta Hai Ghar Ke Phone Se.

Father: Ye Toh Hadd Ho Gayi. Itna Jyada Bill... Main Toh Ghar Ka Phone Almost Nahin Ke Barabar Use Karta Hun... Saari Baatein, Apne Main-Main Aur Lambi Calls Office Ke Phone Se Karta Hoon.

Mother: Main Bhi Jyadatar Office Ka Phone Use Karti Hoon. Apni Friends Ke Saath Itni Saari Baatein Agar Ghar Ke Phon Se Karungi Toh Kaise Chalegaa.

Beta: Dad, Apko Toh Pata He Hai Ki Main Subah Saat Baje Ghar Se Office Ke Lie Nikal Jaata Hoon. Jo Baat Karni Hoti Hai Vo Office Ke Ke Phone Se Karta Hoon.

Beti: Meri Company Ne Toh Mere Desk Par He Phone Diya Hua Hai... Main Bhi Apni Sab Calls Us Phone Se He Karti Hoon.

Ab Gharwale Ye Sochkar Pareshaan The Ki Jab Ghar Ke Saare Members Office Ka Phone Use Karte Hain Toh Phir Ye Ghar Ke Phone Ka Bill Itna Aaya Kaise?

Ghar Ki Naukarani Chupchaap Khadi Sun Rahi Thee. Gharwale Uski Taraf Shak Ki Nazron Se Dekhne Lage Toh.... Naukarani Boli: Toh Kya Memsaab... Aap Sab Bhi To Jahan Par Kaam Karte Ho Vahin Ka Phone Use Karte Ho... Hai Ki Nahin... ? Maine Bhi Vahi Kiya... Toh Ismein Aise Dekhne Ki Zaroorat Kya?
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Well-Educated Wife!
Husband: Wow, Tum itni Gulabi kaise lag rahi ho???

Wife: When your lovely words touch the bundle branches of the circulation system of my heart, it starts beating faster & increased output is trans mitted to adrenals which start secreting glucon to increase blood glucose level & to combatthis emergency, Pituitary output also increases which raises blood estrogen level, Causing vasodilation and I look PINK...

MORAL: Jyada padhi likhi biwi romance ki Mummy-Didi ek kar deti hai...
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Achcha Aur Bura...
Life mein 2 baatein hamesha yaad rakhna...

Pehli Baat:
Har insaan itna bura nahin hota, jitna "PAN Card" Aur "Aadhar Card" mein dikhta hai,
Aur itna achcha bhi nahin hota, jitna "Facebook" aur "Whatsapp" pe dikhta hai.

Dusri Baat:
Har insaan itna bura nahin hota, jitna uski "Biwi" & "GF" usko samajhti hai,
Aur itna achcha bhi nahin hota, Jitna uski "Maa" usko samjhti hai.
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The Generous Lawyer!
Ek aurat apne bachche ko liye ro rahi thi.

Ek vakil ne rone ki wajah puchi, toh us aurat ne kaha ki mera beta bimaar hai or dawa ke liye paise nahin hain.

vakil ne us aurat ko 1000 ka note dia aur kaha ki jao dawa le lo, Rs 100 ka doodh bhi le lena, baaki paise mujhe wapis de dena.

Aurat thodi der baad dawa aur dudh le aayi aur baaki Rs 650 vakil ko wapas kar diye.

vakil khush hua aur sochne laga ke Neki kabhi zaya nahi jati, Doctor ko fees mil gayi, bachche ko dawa mil gai aur......mera nakli note bhi chal gaya !!!
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The Puri Family
College Clerk: Beta yeh form tumne galat bhar diya hai. Yahaan address nahin apna naam likhna tha.

Student: Vikas Puri mera naam hi hai jee.

College Clerk: Achcha aur pita ka naam?

Student: Ji Janak Puri.

College Clerk: Achcha Dadaji ka naam?

Student: Trilok Puri.

College Clerk: Hey Bhagwaan beta jaate jaate apni maa ka naam bhi bata do.

Student: Maya Puri.

College Clerk: Main yeh sub nahin maanta. Koi aaya he tumhare saath family se tumhaari admission ke liye.

Student: Ji mera bara bhai hai yeh.

College Clerk: Aapka naam?

Bhai: Govind Puri!
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Tough Examiner!
Exam ka examiner bahut strict tha aur paper bahut tough tha. Examiner hall mein lagataar chakkar laga raha tha aur kisi ko cheating nahin karne de raha tha.

Pappu ne ek chit mei kuch likha aur vo chit us examiner ko de di. Examiner ne jaise hi vo chit khol ke padi, vo chup chaap apni chair pe jaa ke baith gaya.

Exam khatam hone ke baad sab students Pappu ke paas gaye aur pucha: Yaar tune us chit mein kya likha tha?

Pappu: Sir, peechhe se aapki pant phati hui hai..........!!!!!!!!.
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Rajinikanth vs Kattappa
Ek Baar Rajinikanth Aur Kattappa Ki Mulaqat Ho Jaati Hai.

Rajinikanth: Tumhe Pata Hai Mere Gaon Mein Light Nahin Thi, Main Agarbatti Jalaakar Uski Roshni Mein Padta Tha.

Kattappa: Mere Gaaon Mein Toh Light Bhin Nahin Thi Aur Hamaare Paas Agarbatti Ke Paise Bhi Nahin The, Phir Bhi Mai Padha.

Rajinikanth: Kaise?

Kattappa: Mera Ek Dost Tha Prakaash, Usko Apne Paas Bitha Leta Tha. Aur Jab Bhi Baarish Hoti Thi Aur Prakaash Bheeg Jaata Tha Tab Bhi Main Padh Leta Tha.

Rajinikanth: Kaise?

Kattappa: Gaon Mein Jyoti Naaam Ki Ladki Bhi Toh Thi, Uske Paas Baith Kar.

Rajinikanth Benhosh.
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Punishing Pappu
Pappu ko hamesha school mein galtiyon ki wajah se maar ya daant padti rehti thi.

Ek din Pappu ne phir se hamesha ki tarah homework nahin kiya tha aur isliye teacher us ko daant raha tha.

Teacher: Sach-sach bata homework kyun nahi kiya? Sach bolna nahin toh chaddi utaar ke maarunga.

Pappu ne bade bholepan se poocha: Sir, jab galti meri hai toh phir ap kyun chaddi utaroge?
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Love Mariage!
Beta: Mummy kya love marriage karne se ghar wale naraaz hote hain?

Maa: Tu pakka kisi churail ke chakkar mein hoga or yeh sab tujhe usi daayan ne kaha hoga, ladkiyan to bus ladkon ko fasane mein hi lagi rehti hain, jahan achcha ladka dekha shuru ho jaati hain. Beta meri baat dhyaan se suno.. inke chakkron mein kabhi mat padna, inse bach ke rehna, yeh bahut smart aur dhokebaaz type ki hoti hain aur inka koi deen-imaan bhi...

Beta: Aisa kuch nahi hai mom, woh to daddy bata rahe the ki aap dono ki love marriage hui thi.
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I Love you!
Aurton ke Ek Group se poocha gaya ki kon kon apne SHOHRON se pyar karti hain?

Sab Ne Hath khare kardiye...

In sab ko ek-ek msg dia giya k apne apne SHOHRON ko send karen...

"I LOVE YOU "

To Inke shohron ke jawab kuch youn aaye...

1: Tumhari tabiyat theek hai na?

2: Ab kya ho gaya ? phir se car maar di.

3: Excuse me!

4: Sirf itna batao ki kitne paise chahiye?

5: Nasha to nahi kar lia?

6: Ab kya kardia tumne? main is baar maaf nahi karoonga.
Aur Sab Se acha jawab ye tha.
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..
...
7: Kaun hain aap?
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Who Started It?
Santa aur uski wife Jeeto mein jhagda hua toh Jeeto ne apni maa ko phone kiya, "Maa mera un se jhagda ho gaya hai. Main 1 month ke liye aap ke paas aa rahi hun."

Jeeto's mother, "Jhagda kis ne start kiya??????"

Jeeto, "Unho ne."

Jeeto's mother: "Jhagda us kambakhat ne kiya hai saza bhi ushe hi milni chahiye. Tum wahi thehro main aa rahi hun 3 Month k liye."
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Look-alikes!
Daughter in law: Is my nose flat?

Mother in law: No Baby.

Daughter in law: Am I fat like an Elephant?

Mother in law: You have a fine physique, you are a Barbie Doll.

Daughter in law: Am I dark colour?

Mother in law: No no, You are so sweet.

Daughter in law: Then why people tell me that you look like your mother in law ?

Mother in law: Laawan Jutti, Bandri Jaee, Majj kisay thaan di... Kali Habhshan... kidaan bakwaas kardi ae.
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Oh My God!!!
Ek Ameer Aurat Apni Kuch Problems Ke Chalte Ek Baba Ji Ke Paas Pahunchi Aur Unko Apni Problems Batayi.

Baba Ji Ne Us Aurat Ki Saari Problems Ko Bade Hi Dhyaan Se Suna Aur Phir Bole: Beta... Chinta Karne Waali Ki Koi Baat Nahin Hai... In Sabhi Problems Ka Hal Ho Jayega... Lekin Kuch Kharch Ayega.

Aurat: Kitna Kharch Ayega Baba Ji?

Baba: Mein Tumse Jyada Toh Nahin Le Sakta. Puranon Ke Anusaar Hamare Kul 33 Crore Devi-Devta Hain... Tum Sabke Naam Se Bas Ek-Ek Paisa Daan Kar Do.

Aurat Ne Man Hi Man Mein Calculate Kiya Toh Baba Ke Hisaan Se Kul 33 Lakh Lage Jayenge. Lekin Vo Bhi Kaafi Tez Thi... Jhat Se Boli: Theek Hai Baba Ji... Aap Baari-Bari Se Sabka Naam Lete Jaiye Mein Ek-Ek Paisa Rakhti Jaungi.

Baba Ji Abhi Bhi Behosh Hain...
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Military Genealogy!!!
Subedaar Deedar singh from the armoured corps had one desire that he has a stable of boys who would all join his regiment and get that honour for him and the family just like he had done.

So when the first born arrived, he didn't heed to his mother asking him to conduct the naamkarn ceremony and announced his child to be christened "Leftaan Singh" (Lieutenant Singh)... after all, he was the first in the heirarchy!

When the next son came, he coughed and announced "Kaptaan (Captain) Singh."

Thus began the saga of ritual home grown promotions, till he had Major Singh, Karnail (Colonel) Singh, Bargader (Brigadier) Singh and finally Jarnail (General) Singh.

Sache Patshaah, in his benevolence had been magnanimous and he could rest now, but then arrived a beautiful baby girl. Subedaar sahab was stumped and paced up and down to figure out an appropriate name. His wife, seeing his frustration, called out, "Gal suno, biba da nau ARMAD KAUR na rakhh daiye???"
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Never Annoy Your Barber
Manglu: Apne Pasandeeda Hair Cuting Salon Mein Shave Karwaane Pahuncha.

Shave Karwate Samaye Uska Dhyaan Baaju Waali Khali Kursi Par Gaya Toh Usne Naai Se Puchcha Kya Baat Hai Bhai Aaj Tera Partner Golu Nahi Dikh Raha Hai. Chhuti Par Hai Kaya?

Barber Ne Jawaab Diya: Vo Toh Jail Mein Hai!

Manglu: Kyun Bhai!? Kya Ho Gya Aisa?? Kya Kar Diya Golu Ne???

Barber: Vo Kya Hai Ki Aajkal Dhanda Bahut Manda Chal Raha Hai Isliye Golu Bahut Pareshan Rehta Tha! Kal Ek Grahak Aaya, Usne Shave Karwayi Toh Golu Ne Us Se Pucha Ki Massage Bhi Kar Dun Kya? Toh Us Grahak Ne Mana Kar Diya! Bas Golu Ko Gussa Aa Gya Aur Usne Uske Gale Par Ustra Maar Diya. Filhaal Golu Attempt Of Murder Ke Case Mein Andar Hai!

Manglu: Aree Bhai Yeh Toh Bada Hi Bura Huya!

Barber: Haan Sachmuch Bahut Bura Huya! Achcha Chaliye Choriye Aapki Shave Toh Ho Gayi, Masaage Bhi Kar Dun Naa?

Manglu (Ghabrakar): Haan Haan Bhai, Kyun Nahi, Jaroor, Jaroor Mujhe Toh Baal Bhi Thode Bade Lag Rahe Hain... Lage Haath Vo Bhi Kaat De Bhai... Bas Naraaz Na Hona!
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Chanakya Neeti
One day Chitragupt told Brahma that he should stop this scheme that if ladies keep Karva Chauth... they will get the same husband for the next 7 Janam.

Brahma asked, "Why?"

Chitragupt: Prabhu... it's becoming difficult to manage. The ladies want the same husband and the husbands want a new wife. It.s a problem to convince both.

Brahma: But this can't be stopped. It's been going on since times immemorial.

Just then Naarad muni comes and he suggested: On earth, there is a great person called 'Chanakya'. Ask him for a solution.

(Chitragupt meets Chanakya)

In one minute Chanakya solves the problem. He advised Chitragupt: Any lady who wants the same husband... tell her that, she will also get the same MOTHER IN LAW..!

All women screamed, "Nahiiiiiii!!!!!
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The Big Book!
Ek baar ek ladka ghar mein sharaab pee kar aaya aur apne Dad se bachne ke liye ek badi si book lekar padhne laga!

Dad: Oye nalaayak, aaj phir sharab pee kar aaya hai kya...?

Son: Nahin Dad, bilkul nahin, kyun?

Dad: Kamine, toh phir pichle 10 minute se breifcase khol ke kya bak-bak kar raha hai...
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Flight Attendant
A man finds a beautiful girl in an airline uniform at an airport cafe sitting next to him...

He thinks to himself: She is a flight attendant, but which airline does she work for?

Hoping to get her attention he leans towards her and says the Jet airways slogan: The Joy Of Flying...

She doesn't pay any attention...

Again he leans and says the GoAir's slogan: Fly Smart... and again gets no response.

Again he leans over to say SpiceJet's slogan: Flying For Everyone...

This time the girl turns and says to him: Kya Takleef Hai Re Tere Ko Haramkhor???

Man leans back, smiles and says, "Ohhh.... Air India...!!!"
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Sharabiyon Ke Muhavare
Muhavare Aur Unke Sharabic Arth:

Haath Paanv Phoolna: Samay Pe Daaru Ka Na Milna.

Oont Ke Moonh Mein Jeera - Daaru Kam Padna.

Kaleja Thanda Hona - Pehle Peg Ka Gale Se Neeche Utarna.

Munh Meetha Karna - Pehli Baar Kisi Ko Daaru Pilana.

Haath Saaf Karna - Party Mein Bottle Ko Dheere se Paar Kar Dena.

Neki Kar Dariya Mein Daal - Free Mein Yaaron-Doston Ko Pilana.

Aankh Phadakna - Nasha Utar Jaana.

Aankh Laal Karna - Ful Tunn Ho Jaana.

Andhe Ki Laathi - Koi Free Mein Pilaane Waala Mil Jaana.

Angaron Pe Pair Rakhna - Daaru Pee Ke Gar Jaana.

Til Ka Taad Banana - Daaru Peekar Updesh Dena.

Than-Than Gopal - Peene Ke Liye Paise Na Hona.

Dum Mein Dum Aana - Peene Ke Saath Chakna Ka Jugaad Ho Jaana.

Chaati Pe Saanp Lotna - Bina Jaankaari Ke Theke Ka Band Ho Jaana.

Kaam Tamaam Karna - Puri Bottle Khatam Karna.
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Santa and His Padosan
Ek Baar Santa Ki Padosan Bhabhi Bahaut Beemar Ho Jaati Hai. Use Khoon Ki Zarurat Padti Hai Toh Santa Dauda-Dauda Hospital Pahunch Jaata Hai Aur Apna Khoon Daan Karke Aa Jata Hai.

Theek Hone Ke Baad Padosan Santa Ka Shukriya Karne Ke Liye Uske Ghar Jaati Hai.

Padosan: Aapne Mujhe Apna Khoon Dekar Meri Jaan Bachayi, Aapka Bahaut Bahaut Shukriya.

Santa Sharmate Hue Bola: Bhabhi Ji... Ismein Shukriya Ki Koi Baat Nahi, Bhale Hi Aap Pe Main Na Chadh Saka, Kam Se Kam Mera Khoon Toh Aap Pe Chadh Gaya.
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Toh Phir Katwa Le
Wife: Jaanu Main Apne Baal Katwa Loon????

Husband: Katwa Le...

Wife: Magar Itni Mushkil Se Lambay Kiye The...

Husband: Toh Phir Na Katwa...

Wife: Magar Ajkal Chhotay Baal Ka Fashion Hai...

Husband: Toh Phir Katwa Le...

Wife: Magar Chhotay Balon Ki Choti Nahi Banti....

Husband: Toh Phir Na Katwaa...

Wife: Soch Rahi Hun Experiment Kar Ke Dekh Loon...

Husband: Toh Phir Katwa Le...

Wife: Lekin Agar Kharab Ho Gaye Toh?

Husband: Toh Phir Na Katwa...

Wife: Meri Friends Kehti Hain Ki Mere Face Cut Pe Chhote Baal Suit Karenge...

Husband: Toh Phir Katwa Le...

Wife: Agar Suit Na Kiye Toh Aap Responsible Hongey....

Husband: Toh Phir Na Katwa...

Wife: Vaise Chhotey Baal Sambhalna Asaan Hota Hai...

Husband: Toh Phir Katwa Le...

Wife: Dar Lagta Hai Kaheen Bhadde Na Lagein....

Husband: Toh Phir Na Katwa....

Wife: Achcha Ab Decide Kar Lia Maine... Katwa He Leti Hun...

Husband: Toh Phir Katwa Le...

Wife: Toh Phir Kab Chalengy ????

Husband: Toh Phir Na Katwa...

Wife: Main Ammi Ki araf Janey Ki Baat Kar Rahi Hun...

Husband: Toh Phir Katwa Le....

Wife: Aap Kya Keh Rahay Hain???? Apki Tabiyat Toh Theek Hai ?

Husband: Toh Phir Na Katwa....

Yeh Husband Bechara Ab Agra Ke Pagal Khanay Main Baitha Sara Din Yehi Bolta Rehta Hai....

Toh Phir Katwa Le...
Toh Phir Na Katwa.
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Strange Back Pain
Santa Apni Problem Leke Doctor Ke Pass Gaya Aur Bola: Doctor Sahab, Jab Bhi Main Seedha Khada Rah Kar... Halka Sa Jhuk Kar Apni Left Leg Ghutne Se Modkar Seedha Karta Hoon... Phir Right Leg Ko Ghutne Se Modkar Seedha Karta Hoon Tab Kamar Mein Dard Hota Hai.

Doctor, Hairani Se: Abe Agar Aisa Karne Se Dard Hota Hai Toh Tu Aisa Drama Karta Hi Kyun Hai?

Santa, Badi Hi Masoomiyat Se: Toh Kya Main Ab Underwear Bhi Na Pahnu?
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Single or Married ?
A man got a call from unknown number.
Girl: Hi, are you single???
Man: Yes, but who are you ???
Ans: Your wife.... Aaj Ghar Aana Tab Bataoungi...

Another call from unknown number...
Girl: Are you married ??
Man: Yes, but who are you ??
Girl: Your girlfriend,... you cheat!!!
Man: Sorry baby, I thought it was my wife.
Ans: Wife Hi Hoon Kamine, Aaj Tu Bas Ghar Aaja.
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Moh, Lobh Aur Swarth
Ye Jo Kulfi Khaate Hue Apna Ek Haath Kulfi Ke Neech Lagaye Rehte Hain... Taaki Kulfi Gire Na...
Ise Geeta Mein Sri Krishna Ne MOH Kaha Hai.

Aur Kulfi Khatam Hone Ke Baad Bhi Jo Kulfi Ki Stick Chuste Rehte Hain...
Ise Geeta Mein Sri Krishna Ne LOBH Kaha Hai.

Aur Jo Kulfi Ki Stick Ko Phainkte Nahin Hain Aur Yeh Sochkar Ghar Le Jaate Hain Ki Bachchon Ke School Project Work Ke Kaam Aaye...
Ise Geeta Mein Sri Krishna Ne SWARTH Kahaa Hai.
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Log Kya Kahenge...
Gharwale Ladki Ki Marzi Ke Bina Ladki Ki Shaadi Kar Rahe The.

Ladki Apni Maa Se Kehti Hai: Mammi, Main Ye Shaadi Nahi Karungi Aur Agar Tumne Mujhse Zabardasti Ki To Main Ghar Se Bhaag Jaungi Aur Apne Boyfriend Se Marriage Kar Lungi.

Maa Rote Hue: Beti Ye Kya Keh Rahi Hai Tu, Maine Tere Baap Se Bhaag Ke Shaadi Ki, Teri Badi Behan Aur Teri Bua Ne Bhi Bhaag Ke Shaadi Ki, Tera Bhai Naukrani Ke Saath Bhaga Aur Teri Maasi Ek Dukandaar Ke Saath Bhaag Gayi, Tera Chacha Apni Padosan Ke Saath Aur Uski Ladki Apne Tutuion Wale Teacher Ke Saath Bhag Gayi.
Aur Toh Aur Tera Baap Do Baar Padosan Ke Sath Bhaag Gaya Aur Ab Tu Bhi Bhaag Jayegi Toh Iss Ghar Ki Kya Ijjat Reh Jayegi, Log Kya Kahenge... Beta Hamari Izzat Ka Kuch Toh Khayal Kar.
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Dummy Partner
Once Mrs. Aggarwal was being cross examined in Court by a lawyer.

Mrs. Aggarwal had said that she was a partner in her husband's firm, but the lawyer of the opposite party was trying to prove that she was only a dummy partner (for reducing income tax).

The lawyer kept asking her what exactly she did for the firm.

At first she hee'd and hawed, but ultimately, when the lawyer kept repeating his question, she said in exasperation: Tum Itne Bewaqoof Vakeel Ho.... Itna Bhi Na Samajh Paye? Mera Kaam Hai Firm Ke Liye Partners Produce Karna.
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